Thursday, July 26, 2012

you never think they'll eat you


Crazy scientists always trying to create something that should NEVER exist. And they are doing it again. They have created a "jellyrat." 

Taking the heart of a rat and bio-engineering (I don't know what that word really means, but it sounds "evil scientisty") it to a thin layer of silicone, they have created a jellyfish-like creature.

Wanna know how I found a jellyfish-like creature? I SAW A JELLYFISH AT THE AQUARIUM. We don't need a cyborg rat-heart jellyfish! They already exist!

If these things learns how to jump out of the water and breathe air (Which it will, you know. These things always learn how to evolve.), it looks like it will jump onto your face and SUCK YOUR BRAIN!

I don't know about you, but I need my brain for simple AND complicated tasks. Like walking or holding a fork OR STAYING ALIVE.

So if you feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', then you know that the jellyrats have started their attack.

Luckily, I know a few beavers from the future who have laser eyes and metal hands and stuff.

They are here to protect the future from a jellyrat invasion. So we're good.

Well, I hope we are. Unless my brain has already been sucked out and I'm just telling you what they tell me to tell you.

Then hope is already lost.

I'm off to check my brain before I wreck my brain.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

where no dog has barked before


I like Star Trek: The Next Generation. It is one of my mostest favoritest shows ever! It was so good. STILL so good. 

Last night, movie theaters around the country showed two episodes from season one to celebrate the release of ST:TNG on Blu-ray.

It was awesome.

What was even more AWESOMER was the dog at the show! YES! There was a canine there!

It was in a rolling pet carrier thingy. I always knew that all species loved Star Trek. I just didn't know all species were allowed in the movies!

Can you bring a dog into a movie theater? Well...I now know that you can. Cuz it happened. I don't think they tried to sneak it in. It was pretty clearly a dog. In a carrier. Not, like, a lump in a suitcase that was barking.

They brought the dog in and it just watched the movies and didn't make a sound! It was so interested in the Enterprise going to the edge of the universe and Data finding his evil brother!

Does it cost extra to bring a dog in? It didn't actually take up any seats. It was sitting on its owner's lap. Maybe a child's ticket?

I should have asked, but I don't know much dog, so I probably wouldn't have understood the answer. All I remember from my dog classes is how to ask for cheese and where the bathroom is.

Grwoof wruf ruff whimper?

Huh...I guess they don't have cheese at the movie candy counter.

I'm off to the Enterprise.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, July 20, 2012

the eagle has landed better



On this day in history, Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon for the Apollo 11 mission! It happened in 1969. That was a long time ago. 

Unless you are a time traveler, then it might have only been yesterday. I don't know when you're from. I like the name Armstrong.

And Buzz. Those are cool names. Instead of an eagle landing on the moon (which is totally possible because eagles are hardcore birds), they should make it a shark. With legs. That knows how to dance.

Buzz Armstrong will fly this shark to the moon and say, "The shark has landed on its legs on the moon!"

Then he'll use a jet pack to rocket out of the shark's mouth! Without a helmet because Buzz is so tough he can breathe in moon-space!

He'll stand on the moon and say, "That's one awesome jet pack landing for me. One amazing dance routine for mankind!"

Then he and the shark-ship will dance like crazy! And not bad dancing, either. Good dancing. Like breakdancing. Or crunk.

Then Buzz's pet wolf will jet pack out of the shark too! This won't be any regular wolf; this is, like, a wolf the size of a bus! And his name is Awesome! Buzz rides Awesome around the moon and says, "Apollo goes up to 11, moonies!"

Then they fly through space fighting crime and saving space-babies and stuff.

That's what really happened. I think. They just show that grainy video to hide the truth. They didn't think people could handle its epicness. I hope you can now. I don't want to blow your mind.

If I did, I apologize.

I'm off to crunk.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

lean back for health


I recently saw an article that said sitting is bad for you. I'm cool with that. I like to stand most of the time. It's more fun. It's easier to dance when you're standing. 

BUT! They said that if you are sitting it is best to recline and NOT sit straight up!

Since I do a lot of driving, I wanted to test this out. So far...not great.

I have to put the seat REALLY close to the pedals so I can recline and still reach the steering wheel.

I know some people do that because it's really cool to look "relaxed" behind the wheel. But what people DON'T see is my knees squished against the dashboard.

So what do I do? It's better for my body to be reclined. But it's so uncomfortable for my legs! If my legs were 30 cm shorter, this would be perfect.

Why did I have to be cursed/blessed with beautiful, long legs?! They're amazing when I have to go ninja-kick evil robot otters, but such a pain when I have to drive to the locations that said evil resides.

And since I do a lot of driving to evil locations, my legs are unhappy. And unhappy legs means less amazing ninja skills.

Less amazing ninja skills means evil could win. But is sitting straight up also a form of evil? Is evil out to get me from every direction?

I smell an evil conspiracy.

I also smell burning rubber. I don't know why. I should probably worry about that because it's making me a little light-headed.

I'm off to adjust my seat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, July 16, 2012

combine them all for easy use


I found a beverage that has a COMBINED serving of fruit and vegetables. Legally, I am supposed to have 2 cups of fruit and 3 cups of vegetables every day. 

If I do not, I get slapped by a cruciferous vegetable.

Cruciferous always makes me think iron is having a bad day. Luckily, every time we're missing an r, iron lives another day!

No, not because it's ion. This is more of a chemistry joke than an electron joke.

It's funny...really...well, I mean, if I have to explain it, it's not funny. Just trust me, somebody will like it!

So, in theory, we need 5 servings of both during the day. This beverage counts as one COMBINED serving. So...I guess...half of each?

I have no idea how to follow the servings rule after that. Therefore, we need a new system. ALL fruits and veggies will be combined!

Now you can enjoy some yummy garlemons! Maybe throw some carricots in your salad! Or snack on some zuccananas!

This makes life so much easier! Have 5 fruiggies in the day and you can avoid a slapping!

...

You're still annoyed by my joke earlier, aren't you. Look, don't blame me for the confusion. Blame Faraday! If he didn't start using the term "ion" when he was playing with electrodes, it would have died with the Greeks and we wouldn't even THINK that's what I meant by the missing r! We would just have to worry about the Latin root for ferrous!

This would be so much easier if I knew how to make sense.

I'm off to drink a fruiggie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, July 13, 2012

they see what we're doing


Your plants are watching you. Don't look at them! You don't want them to know that you know that they see you. 

Some research shows that plants can "see" things. They can't see what we see because plants don't have eyes. But their leaves and stems and stuff are watching you. Right. Now.

Creepy, right?! And we just LET these things into our homes to watch us!

Upon reading this, I stopped bringing my fern into the shower with me every morning. It now sits in my closet under a pile of clothes so it can't see anything.

I'm thinking of planting it outside, but I'm afraid it will grow tall enough to peek into my window. Like that tree across the street. I know what those leaves are looking at. And I don't like it.

I called the police about the tree staring into my window, but they didn't do anything about it.

Well, they did something, but it wasn't what I was hoping. It was less "arresting the tree" and more "laughing at me and telling me to stop calling."

So, I yelled at the tree to stop staring at me. My neighbor didn't like that. The cops may or may not have been involved again.

Let that be a lesson to you. Plants are watching. They may be plotting. I know they've been around for millions of years, but that's just to make us think we're safe. When we are least expecting it, they'll attack.

Or have they already...

Dun Dun Duuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!

I'm off to photosynthesize.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

taste a lot of stuff


My grapes come in a bag. The bag says "Taste the sunshine flavor!"

And you know what?! They DO taste like sunshine! I have no reference point for the actual taste of sunshine, but I trust plastic bags. Has a plastic bag ever lied to you? No.

I enjoy tastes of things. Like rainbows. Skittles found out what a rainbow tastes like and put it into a chewy droplet that I love.

Wanna know what I do now? Are you sure you can handle it? I fill a bowl with grapes and Skittles! Now I eat sunshine and rainbows for breakfast, lunch, dinner AND brunch!

Yes! You read that correctly! Sunshine and rainbows!

You: "What are you eating?"

Me: "SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS!"

You: "Are you sure? It looks like a bowl of grapes...with...are those Skittles in there?"

Me: "SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS!"

You: "You're beginning to scare me."

Me: "And you are beginning to kill my sunshine and rainbow buzz!"

You: "Sorry...I'll leave."

Me: "SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS!"

So that was my day so far. I hope you're just as sunshiny and rainbowy. Bowey? Bowie? You get the point.

I'm off to dance in the street.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, July 9, 2012

really big mega time!


Frisbee is trademarked. Wham-O owns the name. I wanted to make sure you knew that. I also wanted to make sure they knew that I gave them total credit for it. 

Before the kids in CT started calling it a Frisbee (trademarked), it was called a Pluto Platter!

But the Pluto Platter and Frisbee (trademarked) are just some of the many names that describe a FLYING DISC!

That's what it is! I love tossing the ol' flying disc around. I always have one in my car. Just in case. I go with a classic 140-gram disc. Good for all occasion discing. Don't want to go heavyweight if you're with a novice, you know?

Maybe you're not a novice. Maybe you're a little more wild. Maybe...perhaps...you're a little more mega. We can't all be mega, but some of us are born that way.

Me and Lady Mega included.

That is why I'm happy to see the REALLY BIG MEGA FLYING DISC! YES! The average flying disc is 20-25 cm in diameter. The REALLY BIG MEGA FLYING DISC is a whopping 58.42 cm!

That's not just really. That's not just big. That's not even just MEGA! THAT'S REALLY BIG MEGA!

What do you do with something REALLY BIG MEGA?

TOSS IT!

At least that's what it says on the display at the supermarket. I'm surprised the supermarket could contain such a disc. It's only super.

Now a REALLY BIG MEGA MARKET? THAT is the kind of place I would expect such radical items. But since the market is called Big Y, they are allowed to carry BIG items. Really and mega, too.

I've said it for years, I don't need to invent anything, I just need to make something bigger and give it a bigger name.

Expect a SUPER HUGE MEGALICOUS FLYING AMAZO DISC in stores next year. A minimum of 79.34 cm.

Take that Pluto Platter. You're not a planet any more. You're just a pie pan.

I'm off to toss it.

-dj

Friday, July 6, 2012

my teeth feel soft


Do you sometimes notice your teeth feeling different? Like, one day they're all hard and ready to chomp. Then the next day they feel soft and all you want to do is bite your lip a little because it's squishy. 

Teeth are cool. I have a bunch of them. I love my calcified, whitish structures. (Thanks wikipedia!) Without these incisors and molars and amalgam fillings I would have to swallow candy whole!

Thank goodness for my teeth! And fake teeth inserts. Most of my teeth innards are gone because of cavities. That's not my fault, though. I blame sugar. If it didn't love my teeth so much, they wouldn't get all holey.

I sometimes wish sugar was spelled "shugar." Or "shuga." That's funner to say. Or shay. Nah...we'll keep it as "say."

"SH" words are fun to say. Whether you have soft teeth or not. I wonder why teeth feel different sometimes? Or is that just my teeth?

Don't you hate it when you bite your lip! That kills me! Then you have this bump of skin in your mouth and you HAVE to keep biting at it even though you know it's just going to make it worse!

Then one day, it's gone.

Then another day, your teeth feel soft again.

Should I go to the dentist? I just went, like, two weeks ago! I like the dentist. They always make my teeth feel good.

Candy makes my teeth feel good. Well, it makes me feel good. When I feel good, my teeth feel good. Going to the dentist is like candy for my teeth.

I should become a dentist and have that be my motto.

"Dr. Awesome DMD: Like candy for your teeth."

I'm off to gnaw my lip.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, July 5, 2012

get your groove on and your boson


If you love science, put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't show any emotions!

There was a big announcement the other day letting us know that the Higgs boson most likely exists. One of the physicists is quoted as saying, "It is very much a smoking duck that walks and quacks like the Higgs."

Which pretty much means...well...I don't know what that means. Because that statement makes NO sense. That is why I love it and have said it 30 times today in response to unrelated questions.

You: "How's the day going? Working hard or hardly working?"

Me: "It is very much a smoking duck that walks and quacks like the Higgs."

You: "Riiiiiiight..."

Other You: "How about those fireworks last night? Pretty sweet, right?!"

Me: "It is very much a smoking duck that walks and quacks like the Higgs."

Other You: "I heard that!"

Cleary one of you understands me better than the other you.

Basically, all you need to know is that we want the Higgs boson to exist because if it does, it helps to explain how the universe formed. If it doesn't exist, my theory of "I made it when I was bored and was playing with quarks" becomes the prominent theory.

Hawking keeps telling me that my theory is dumb. I tell him to stick his head in a black hole. (Get it! That's funny because he writes about black holes! ...it's funny to some people...)

Oh! BTW! I broke another plate yesterday! What's up with that?! It is very much a smoking duck that walks and quacks like the Higgs.

I'm off to buy new plates.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, July 2, 2012

more wheels for more fun


When the weather gets warmer, you see a lot of people out on their motorcycles. They're like a bicycle with a motor. 

Two wheels. One in the front. One in the back.

But lately, I've seen a lot more motor-tricycles on the road. And they are awesome! Who didn't love riding a tricycle when they were a kid?! They're so much fun!

Imagine that fun with a motor! IT'S A MOTORTRIKE!

Not only that, but imagine the stability that comes from having two wheels in the back! I mean, my car has two wheels in the back and I never flip over!

I remember making vroom vroom noises on my trike. Now I don't have to! The motortrike takes care of that for me!

And they are actually called motortrikes! Which makes them even COOLER!

I just wanted to make sure you knew about these things. You should also buy one. Or two. So you can give one to me. I miss my tricycle and I don't think I can fit on the little ones these days.

But a big motortrike? I can ride that like the three-wheeled wind! VROOOOOOOOM!

And it's easier to transport pie in them. Because there's more room in the back. And I like transporting pie.

Still doesn't help me sneak pie into the movie theater. That's a tough one.

I'm off to vroom my pie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj