Monday, June 30, 2014

taxes and pose

Have you heard about this “yoga tax” that could happen in D.C.? This is crazy. They want to add a tax to gyms so it will cost more to be healthy. As if trying to be healthy isn’t hard enough, now they want to make it more expensive!

I kinda understand taxes. I know that stuff costs money. Roads need to be fixed and the government needs money for that. I know that spending isn’t always done well, but it’s still needed.

So, taxes on gases makes sense because gas fuels the cars and the cars mess up the roads and the roads need to get fixed. I know that’s very simplified and idealist, but the basic premise is logical, right? But what’s the point of taxing exercise? It’s not like the government does anything to fix the gym equipment!

I HATE going to the gym. I go, but it’s a battle EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s so hard to force myself to go. There is NOTHING fun about the gym or exercise. Sitting at home and eating and watching TV IS fun.

I go to the gym because I’m told it’s good for me. I don’t come home feeling better about myself or healthy. I come home tired and sweaty. Then I eat and watch TV, because, as stated earlier, THAT IS FUN.

For years, there have been lots of newsy things saying that there’s an “obesity epidemic.” Exercise COULD be helpful against that, right?

SO WHY MAKE IT HARDER ON PEOPLE.

That’s like telling people that it’s healthier to eat fruits and vegetables, but we’re going to add fists to them and they will punch you before you eat them.

Or like telling people that you need to go to the dentist, but you’re going to have to hold electric eels with pet snakes during the checkup.

Or like tell you that there’s going to be a new Transformers movie.

So. Much. Hurt.

Let’s hope they realize this is a bad idea. Not just the tax, all of these ideas.

I’m off to king pigeon pose.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, June 27, 2014

fruit cutter

I’m a fruit cutter and I’m proud to admit it!

I’ve been testing some new fruits lately, but I’m insanely lazy. I have no desire to cook or prepare food. I don’t know why people would want to do that. It takes so much time!

You know what you could be doing? SOMETHING FUN.

Well, I’ve been testing out my cutting skills on watermelons and pineapples. And guess what! I don’t mind it! I’m shocked that I’ve done this more than once. Seriously. Making food kills me.

Literally. I die every single time. Luckily, I come back to life right after it happens. It’s very strange. In my head, I imagine that everybody else hates it as much as I do.

Of course, some people tell me that I think differently than most people. I don’t believe them.

So yes! I cut large shelled fruit! Well…it’s not a shell. Peel? Rind, I guess? Why are there so many names for the fruit skin?

Like, there are orange and banana peels. For some reason, the watermelon has a “rind.” And it looks like the pineapple just calls it the skin.

Can’t we just have one name for all this stuff? Like, Fruit Shield? Or Fruit Wall? Or Annoying Part Keeping Me From Sweetness?

How did people even find out there was fruit inside? I mean, maybe a watermelon fell and broke open. But what is it about a pineapple that says, “Hey! Open me up for a sweet treat! I know I kinda look like a porcupine/hedgehog thing with funky hair, but I promise that you can touch me and not die!”

I still don’t completely trust them. When cutting a pineapple, I never know if they will just attack. It could happen! Pineapples could just be sitting there…waiting…and when we least expect it…Pina Colada Assault! Here’s manganese in your face!

That’s why I shoot my pineapples with an arrow first. From a safe distance. In the supermarket. Then bring it home.

I won’t be caught unawares. Sadly, I’m not allowed in most supermarkets anymore.

I’m off to skin the apple of pine.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, June 26, 2014

aliens love visiting us

Have you ever heard of Paul Hellyer? He was the Canadian Minister of National Defense in the 1960s. He says that “at least 4 known alien species have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.”

That’s right! I guess he’s been talking about it for years, but for some reason people aren’t buying it.

How could you NOT?! He was a minister! Of defense! He probably had lunch with aliens all the time!

He said that there’s a whole federation of aliens out there that are generally good folks. But they won’t interfere with species that aren’t in their federation.

Yes, I know, he stole the premise of Star Trek and the Prime Directive. But still! That doesn’t mean it’s not true!

So they just watch us from one of Saturn’s moons to see what we do next. Because that’s where they hang out. I don’t know why.

He also said that aliens have visited and offered to help us take care of the planet. They won’t force us to do anything because, you know, the Prime Directive, but they are worried about how we treat the planet. So they came by years ago and said, “Hey, we see that you’re kinda messing up this nice place. We would love to help out. Saturn’s moons are pretty bland. We would much rather use this planet as a vacation spot. I mean, just look at Aruba!”

That may or may not have been the EXACT transcript. I wasn’t there. But I’m a pretty good maker-upper of totally accurate history.

Oh! And he also says that there are two species of aliens on Earth RIGHT NOW. They have jobs in the United States government!

Lucky. Do you know the benefits you get with a government job?! They probably get to use the government's spaceships for free and just have to log the light years.

Why can’t I be an alien? Are there any government positions open on Saturn’s moons? I’m willing to travel.

I’m off to check the Titan section of craigslist.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, June 23, 2014

maybe I use too many words

So, the popular app right now is “Yo.” Which sends messages to your contacts. But the only message it sends is “Yo.”

Seriously. That’s it. If you haven’t heard about this, well…Yo.

Now you have.

When I write, I actually try to make it about a page. The old standard piece of paper. 8.5x11. I’m sure you’ve seen one before in a museum.

Kids, ask your parents what paper is.

Now, in the ye olden days (like, last week), if I wanted to say “Yo” to a friend, I would have to open the messaging app, tap on someone’s name, tap a "y," then an "o," then tap send. I guess a period would be in there, too.

That’s six taps! With the Yo app, you open the app and then tap a person’s name and that’s it! Two taps! That is a savings of FOUR taps!

Imagine what you could do with that time! You could Yo two more people!

The Yo people say that “Yo” can mean anything you want. It depends on the context.

I have one issue with that. THERE IS NO CONTEXT. Yo within a context of Yo only means Yo! It can mean nothing else!

Am I the only one who sees this?!

Clearly I am too verbose. I mean, I’ve used, like, 225 words so far. That's way more than two letters. When I could have just put “Yo” on the top and been done with it. The context of the Yo is CLEARLY apparent!

This has to be a joke. Maybe in a week we’ll find out that it was a clever prank on the world and I didn’t get it.

Let’s hope that happens. Soon. Please.

I’m off to yo.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, June 19, 2014

hello, my name is awesome

Wouldn’t you be thankful if your parents named you Awesome?

You would! And that’s why a woman is trying to change her daughter’s middle name!

A woman in Alaska had a daughter a few years ago. Here name is Viviana Contea Flores. When mom was pregnant, she asked her 11-year-old son to help her pick a name.

He said Danger. Because her son knows what cool is.

Mom said no to that. So he asked about giving the new baby the middle name of Awesome.

Mom said no to that, too! I mean, seriously, why ask if you’re going to say no to perfectly valid names?

But! Mom has finally realized that Awesome is an AWESOME name! And is trying to change it legally!

If you want my advice, why not go all the way? Danger Awesome Flores is a great name. Or even Awesome Danger Flores.

But really, what’s the point of a middle name? Your last name identifies your family. I guess it’s useful when addressing people with proper titles or something. And the first name is what people call you.

I suppose some people want to be called by their middle name if they don’t like their first name. Also, some parents give their children multiple middle names. I don’t know why. Maybe they couldn’t decide on just one? Or they want them to write fantasy books? Just add "R.R." and you have a hit!

Can I get some more middle names? I think I would like to add Awesome to my name. Maybe Purple. Or TARDIS! That’s a good one!

Or just change my name completely! To Awesome R.R. Purple TARDIS!

Now I understand the middle name! Without it, there would be no Purple! And I like Purple!

Sometimes I just amaze myself.

I’m off to Alaska. R.R.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, June 16, 2014

cheese on wood

I don’t know much about cheese. I don’t really eat it very often. I have nothing AGAINST cheese. I just don’t spend a lot of time with it.

But I know that some people do! And for you, this could be scary! The FDA is “concerned” about wood-aged cheese.

Apparently, some artisan cheeses are ripened on wooden boards. They use wood because there’s something about it being porous and allowing the perfect amount of moisture and bacteria to ripen the cheese. (Spruce and Ash are good wood choices for your cheese making.)

Well, the FDA is worried that a BAD bacteria is going to get into cheese, as well. Listeria.

Wooden cheese lovers are not happy about this, so they are trying to figure out if this is really a problem. And THAT is where Arthur Hill comes in!

Arthur is a food scientist who studies cheese at the University of Guelph in Canada.

That’s right! There’s a place called Guelph! Where you can rent a bike! See the Donkey Sanctuary! And enjoy the Just for Cats Internet Cat Video Festival!

You can also learn about cheese! Because that’s what Arthur does! He’s a cheese scientist. Which is real. I mean, there’s a science for everything, and cheeses has all sorts of molds and bacteria and curdles, so it seems like a study full of culture. (HA!)

Now, I found this story online. How does one even FIND a cheese scientist? Maybe that’s why I’m not a journalist. I wouldn’t even know where to look for that.

Well, I suppose I know now. The Dairy Building in Guelph.

Professor Hill says the FDA might be overreacting. Though, he might not really care because he’s in Canada and the FDA doesn’t really tell him what to do. Also, he might be distracted by the Cat Video Festival.

I’m off to visit the donkeys.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, June 12, 2014

toilet it go

Apparently people aren't happy with the number of bathrooms in their home. They want MORE.

A new study says that new homes are being built with at least THREE bathrooms.

You know what I say? GOOD.

That might not be necessary if it's a new couple buying the house and there are only two people. But if they plan on having children, they need those bathrooms! If four people REALLY have to go after a long drive, you definitely want more than one bathroom in the house.

Luckily, I live alone and I have at least one bathroom.

Actually, I would like a house with bathrooms all over the place. Then, if I had to go, I wouldn't have to go very far. Maybe have a bathroom attached to every room of the house. Living room, den, bedroom, closets...

What's the difference between a den and living room, anyway?

Hold on...let me check...

Ok, the internettings helped me out. See, a den is supposed to be the quieter family room. The living room is a social room where guests can come and chat!

The living room is generally near the entrance of the house and the den is hidden away. Far, far away. Possibly in another galaxy. Just in case your family needs a REALLY quiet spot.

Also, the bathroom in the living room is more social, so that's awkward. The den bathroom is much quieter.

My house would even have a bathroom attached to the bathroom. Like a bathroom inception.

The bathroom that is attached to the bathroom is great when you need a bathroom.

I'm off to house a bathroom...or room a bathhouse?

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, June 9, 2014

happy money

CNN recently asked people “How much money do you need to be happy?”

Guess what! Most people said that if they had about $100,000 a year, they would be happy!

Wanna know how many people said that money can’t buy happiness? 6%! That’s it! And they are kinda right. Money can’t actually buy an emotion. BUT! It does buy all the stuff that gives me the happy emotion!

Like jelly beans.

$100,000 is SO far out of my realm of money options that I can’t even imagine what I’d do with that much money.

Ok. That’s a lie. I know exactly what I would do. I would buy a pool. Then I would fill it with jelly beans. Then I would swim in it every day. And have a pool party every week with mutant, party jellyfish. I would also invite peanut butter over. Because peanut butter and I are besties.

I should figure out a way to make millions of monies. OH! You know what I think would make me rich? Fruit-shaped containers.

Many fruits are soft when they are ripe. And that makes them so hard to transport! I think they make a banana one, but why stop there?! I just had a pear. It was all beaten up because it was in my bag! There is no pear container!

Or an avocado case. Because you don’t want that all messed up. Or containers for watermelon slices! I use my sandwich container, but it’s not a perfect fit. Sometimes I have to squish some of my melon to make it fit. NOBODY wants squished melons!

I will call it the “FruitCase” and I will sell it on infomercials late at night when people are tired and desire unbruised fruit.

I’m off to get fruity rich.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, June 5, 2014

soft foods for me

I am getting some crowns put on my teeth. Why? Because my teeth are royalty! That’s why!

Also because my teeth are a mess. I’ve had pretty much EVERY TOOTH EVER get filled in because of a cavity.

So now I have these temporary caps on my teeth and they are killing me! It’s so hard to eat! I don’t know if this is what it’s like when a baby is teething, but I’m going to say it is.

It’s super hard to eat. But it also feels good to bite down. So I eat to make my jaw feel better, but it’s so hard to eat that it’s a pain. I think this is a catch-22. Or a catch-twenty-tooth.

I have been eating a lot of bananas. They are easy. Also, tried an avocado for the first time. That was fun! Have you seen the pit in that thing?! It’s huge! I have no idea what’s in it, but I’m guessing it’s a baby dinosaur. That’s why I made a little nest and sit on it while I’m watching Star Trek.

Another new thing I tried is creamed spinach. I really never expected to eat that, but it sounded soft. It’s like a weird drippy green solid that actually tastes pretty good.

I know I’m not selling it well, but when you’re desperate for food like I am, you gotta learn to take what you can get! Life isn’t easy for us royal teethers!

Trying to find soft foods to eat has also made me appreciate the internet more. Like finding out what fruits have skin that I can and cannot eat. Honestly, I have NO idea what’s edible!

I started to look up if I could eat the skin of an avocado. Google automatically filled out my search with mango! I didn’t even know that was a question! I never bought a full-on, uncut mango at the store. But guess what! Some people could get a rash from it! So it’s kinda better not to risk it!

Shouldn’t fruit be labeled to let me know this? Am I really so out of touch with food that I should have known that? Should I just stick with bananas because that’s all I can afford?

The answer is “yes” to all of those questions.

I’m off to sit on my nest.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, June 2, 2014

carney and cosplay

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has decided not to secrete the press anymore. This may not be a huge deal to you. But it is to me because I always wanted to cosplay as Jay Carney.

For those who don’t know, cosplay is when you dress up as somebody else. Like people who dress up as Spider-Man at a comic book convention. That’s cosplay.

So why Jay Carney? Because I could totally pull it off! And political cosplay is one of my 17 favorite kinds of cosplay on my list of “Favorite Cosplay Themes.”

It’s also super easy! I wear glasses and own a suit! Done! Super Carney to the rescue!

Ok. Maybe I would make my Jay a little more comic booky than he already is. But still.

I would also press a lot of things. Like benches and printings. Because I would be a Press Secretary.

A lot of people don’t like the word “secretary” these days. I wonder why? I mean, Press Secretary is a pretty impressive job! You talk for the President!

And the Secretary of State deals with foreign policy all the time. That Kerry guy is always going to different places to make world peace!

Some people say, “I’d rather be called an Administrative Assistant instead of a Secretary.”

Really? But secretaries are creating world peace!

Maybe it’s because these White House secretaries have other titles with them. Maybe secretaries should have more specific names at businesses. Like Secretary of Awesome. Or Ninja Secretary.

Or Ninja Secretary of Awesome.

Oh…wait…I think I have a new title at work! I need to get that on my business card!

If only I was important enough to get a business card.

I’m off to make world peace as the Ninja Secretary of Awesome!

Enjoy Everything.

-dj