library scam

Have you heard about this place called “The Library?”

It’s totally real. I don’t know if it’s legal to go there, but they have this great scam going.

I can “borrow” all sorts of stuff from them. They just give it to me! If I bring it back by a certain date, it’s totally free! If I’m late, there’s a fee, but that’s to be expected from any black market deal.

I’ve seen movies that have “Chop Shops.” They DON’T sell cutlery. They DO steal cars and sell parts to other people. If you need something in another state, they’ll get it to you for the right price.

This “library” does the same thing! I can go online and request a comic book. If my local library doesn’t have it, they get it from another one!

How crazy is that?! Again…all free! This is probably the LEAST profitable chop shop idea I’ve ever heard of, but I imagine that the late fees are expensive. Probably billions of dollars and maybe some sort of limb.

I don’t know, but I don’t want to risk a visit from a library enforcer. I’ve been to the library. People are scared to even talk in there. It’s eerily quiet. I can only imagine that we’re being watched. Mess up one book, and you’re “checked out.”

That’s what they call it there. Like when they say “sleepin’ with the fishes” in mob movies.

The library “Don” is somebody called “Dewey Decimal.” I don’t know if this person is even real, but Dewey keeps track of everything in EVERY library.

And if I’ve learned 2 things in my life, one is to never mess with anybody named Dewey.

The other is to stock up on jelly beans during Easter sales. Because that’s when they’re fresh.

If you can handle the fear, you should use this library, too. It’s a good deal. I don’t know how long they’ll last, but if you don’t tell the authorities, we could scam the system for a LONG time.

I’m off to get a book AND return it on time.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

remember the whistle

If you bumped into a friend after 20 years, would you remember them?

I guess it depends on the friend. And maybe the age. If I had a friend that I haven’t seen since I was 8, I probably would not recognize them 20 years later.

But a dolphin can! Dolphins are crazy good at remembering stuff! Like their friends!

Some dolphinologist wanted to see if dolphins could remember each other after 20 years apart. He found some dolphins that were together early in their life, then separated and moved around for 20 years. He recorded one of the dolphin’s whistles and then played it to another one.

Guess what?! The dolphins would remember their friend’s whistles!

How crazy is that?! Next time I see somebody I know, I think I will whistle. Just to see if they recognize me.

Me: *whistle*

Friend from 20 years ago: “Um…are you ok?”

Me: *whistle*

Friend: “Do you need something?”

Me: *WHISTLE*

Friend: “Kids, run out to the car and call the police! I’ll hit this weirdo with French bread until they get here!”

The funny thing is that every time I bump into an old friend, that’s what happens. Whether I whistle or not. ("Whether I whistle" is fun to say.)

Okay, that’s not true; I don’t have any old friends. That’s just what happens when I talk to people in the supermarket. And, oddly enough, at the library.

I’m off to check out a book and a loaf of French bread.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sweetened condensed milk

If I had a band, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I wrote a book, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had a child, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had anything that I was allowed to name, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk! Because it's so much fun to say!

I have never actually tasted sweetened condensed milk until recently. It's true! I've heard about it. People whisper about it on the street and there are legends about it in ancient Brazilian temples, but I've never tasted its goopness.

Now I have. I decided to try it because it always sounded good. I mean...it's sweetened! So really, how could it not be good!

I bought a can. I didn't know WHAT to do with it. I went to the library, but got distracted. I don't want to talk about it, but let's just say I have a lot of DVDs reserved right now.

I then looked for recipes online. THAT is where I found it. Toast. That magical marvel of bread when its atomic structure changes from Br to To.

Safety Note: Do NOT put Bromine Br into a toaster. Bread Br is ok. Bromine Br will probably kill you. And it will not turn into toast. It will just turn into you dead.

In Asia, they put sweetened condensed milk on toast all the time! I tried it and it's awesome!

I had no idea that it was so much fun to say AND eat!

If your weekend is getting boring and you're looking to add to your periodic table of the condiments, get some sweetened condensed milk!

Then just yell it out for fun! SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK!

I'm off to To my Br. (Again, NOT Bromine)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj