It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.
I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)
If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.
I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee. I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)
Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.
Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”
Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”
Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”
Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.
I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.
I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Showing posts with label easter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label easter. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Friday, September 27, 2013
library scam
Have you heard about this place called “The Library?”
It’s totally real. I don’t know if it’s legal to go there, but they have this great scam going.
I can “borrow” all sorts of stuff from them. They just give it to me! If I bring it back by a certain date, it’s totally free! If I’m late, there’s a fee, but that’s to be expected from any black market deal.
I’ve seen movies that have “Chop Shops.” They DON’T sell cutlery. They DO steal cars and sell parts to other people. If you need something in another state, they’ll get it to you for the right price.
This “library” does the same thing! I can go online and request a comic book. If my local library doesn’t have it, they get it from another one!
How crazy is that?! Again…all free! This is probably the LEAST profitable chop shop idea I’ve ever heard of, but I imagine that the late fees are expensive. Probably billions of dollars and maybe some sort of limb.
I don’t know, but I don’t want to risk a visit from a library enforcer. I’ve been to the library. People are scared to even talk in there. It’s eerily quiet. I can only imagine that we’re being watched. Mess up one book, and you’re “checked out.”
That’s what they call it there. Like when they say “sleepin’ with the fishes” in mob movies.
The library “Don” is somebody called “Dewey Decimal.” I don’t know if this person is even real, but Dewey keeps track of everything in EVERY library.
And if I’ve learned 2 things in my life, one is to never mess with anybody named Dewey.
The other is to stock up on jelly beans during Easter sales. Because that’s when they’re fresh.
If you can handle the fear, you should use this library, too. It’s a good deal. I don’t know how long they’ll last, but if you don’t tell the authorities, we could scam the system for a LONG time.
I’m off to get a book AND return it on time.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
It’s totally real. I don’t know if it’s legal to go there, but they have this great scam going.
I can “borrow” all sorts of stuff from them. They just give it to me! If I bring it back by a certain date, it’s totally free! If I’m late, there’s a fee, but that’s to be expected from any black market deal.
I’ve seen movies that have “Chop Shops.” They DON’T sell cutlery. They DO steal cars and sell parts to other people. If you need something in another state, they’ll get it to you for the right price.
This “library” does the same thing! I can go online and request a comic book. If my local library doesn’t have it, they get it from another one!
How crazy is that?! Again…all free! This is probably the LEAST profitable chop shop idea I’ve ever heard of, but I imagine that the late fees are expensive. Probably billions of dollars and maybe some sort of limb.
I don’t know, but I don’t want to risk a visit from a library enforcer. I’ve been to the library. People are scared to even talk in there. It’s eerily quiet. I can only imagine that we’re being watched. Mess up one book, and you’re “checked out.”
That’s what they call it there. Like when they say “sleepin’ with the fishes” in mob movies.
The library “Don” is somebody called “Dewey Decimal.” I don’t know if this person is even real, but Dewey keeps track of everything in EVERY library.
And if I’ve learned 2 things in my life, one is to never mess with anybody named Dewey.
The other is to stock up on jelly beans during Easter sales. Because that’s when they’re fresh.
If you can handle the fear, you should use this library, too. It’s a good deal. I don’t know how long they’ll last, but if you don’t tell the authorities, we could scam the system for a LONG time.
I’m off to get a book AND return it on time.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, January 9, 2012
a dot for every occasion
DOTS are the greatest candy ever. How do I know that? I eat them. THAT is how I know. Somebody harnessed the sweet taste of heaven and put it into a small chewy “dot” for humans to enjoy.
A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”
I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.
AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!
I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!
There's, like, a DOT for every holiday!
I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?
Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!
They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!
So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!
Any other gift says, “You're kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”
It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.
I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”
I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.
AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!
I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!
There's, like, a DOT for every holiday!
I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?
Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!
They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!
So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!
Any other gift says, “You're kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”
It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.
I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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