smell ya later

Let me get nasally nostalgic on you here. Nasalgic, I think, is the technical term.

Do you ever smell something and it reminds you of a moment from your childhood? That happened to me the other day. First, some backstory. Don’t worry, it’s really quick.

When I was a kid, Sunday morning was Donut Morning! Then we would visit my grandfather and uncles. It was awesome.

See? Super short story! But you needed to know it because that is what I thought about the other day!

I went to the gym, and when I got out of the car, the smell in the air reminded me of one of those mornings. I am not totally sure why.

Now, it’s possible that there was something in the air that smelled like my grandfather’s house. Also, there IS a Dunkin’ Donuts near my gym. So the smell of donuts COULD have been around. (Also, a great marketing move!)

Oddly enough, there is also a food processing plant next door. Which smells like ketchup most of the time. I don’t think they make catsup, but I don’t ask questions…not after what happened last year.

Anywhooooo, the air smelled like Donut Sunday.

I tell you all of this because a company in Paris has created an oPhone! For olfactory funness where you can text smells to people! Instead of just texting an emoji of a cup of coffee, the phone will emit a coffee smell!

So far, they’ve sent the smell of bread, flowers, and “the smell of Paris 300 years ago.”

I’m not sure if that’s something you want to send. People didn’t really shower much back then, so…you know...not flowery.

You know what’s a better smell? Donut Sunday! That’s what I would like you to text me. Actually, just bring me a donut. And a coffee. And a sundae. On a Sunday. Just text me that every day is Donut Sunday. I don’t care if it smells. In fact, please make it NOT smell.

I’m off to wax nostalgic. With scented candle wax.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that was an odd day: part one

I don't usually notice too much in a day. Well, I suppose I notice a lot of things. But nothing that really stands out. Yesterday had quite a few...um...stand-outish things.

I was at the Super Market buying lots of YUMMY foods. I believe this market is super because it came from another planet and our sun gives it super powers. Even though the website doesn't say that, I'm sure it's true.

I was waiting to purchase my citrus and bread and coffee when a small child walked into my line. I'm not sure if the child had a parent, but if it did, the parent was not visible. This line had candy and toys in it. Nothing big, just little things. This young child took a bag of toys and began stuffing it down the back of his pants!

At first, I thought, "The back of the pants?! Really?! Is that where you want your stolen toys to be?" Then I remembered reading many stories of people getting taken to jail and doing the same thing. Mostly with illegal substances. And again, I generally ask, "Is that where you want your illegal substances to be?"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if he was planning on stealing these toys because he didn't actually stuff the whole thing down his pants. Just the top part. So when he walked away it was more like a "tail." Clearly visible to anybody behind him. Like a "toy tail."

He may or may not have known that I saw this whole thing. He was wearing sweat pants, so it could have just been an easy place to put them due to a lack of pockets. Sometimes when I wear sweat pants, I...okay, I don't own a pair of sweat pants, so I can't even seriously make a joke about them.

Then I thought that it might be okay to carry things that way! So I took my loaf of bread and stuffed part of it into the back of my pants. And let me tell you, having a "bread tail" is probably the most empowering thing you will ever do!

Except when hungry geese are nearby. Then...it's not so great.

This has already gone on too long and that was only PART of my day! I'm not sure if you want to know the rest of it, but it's coming anyway!

I'm off to buy some sweat pants.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sweetened condensed milk

If I had a band, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I wrote a book, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had a child, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had anything that I was allowed to name, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk! Because it's so much fun to say!

I have never actually tasted sweetened condensed milk until recently. It's true! I've heard about it. People whisper about it on the street and there are legends about it in ancient Brazilian temples, but I've never tasted its goopness.

Now I have. I decided to try it because it always sounded good. I mean...it's sweetened! So really, how could it not be good!

I bought a can. I didn't know WHAT to do with it. I went to the library, but got distracted. I don't want to talk about it, but let's just say I have a lot of DVDs reserved right now.

I then looked for recipes online. THAT is where I found it. Toast. That magical marvel of bread when its atomic structure changes from Br to To.

Safety Note: Do NOT put Bromine Br into a toaster. Bread Br is ok. Bromine Br will probably kill you. And it will not turn into toast. It will just turn into you dead.

In Asia, they put sweetened condensed milk on toast all the time! I tried it and it's awesome!

I had no idea that it was so much fun to say AND eat!

If your weekend is getting boring and you're looking to add to your periodic table of the condiments, get some sweetened condensed milk!

Then just yell it out for fun! SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK!

I'm off to To my Br. (Again, NOT Bromine)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

unwieldy halloween

I'm no horror movie expert. I mean, I never really got into them. And maybe that's why I don't get "Friday The 13th."

Freddy's knife-fingers? How effective is that?! I mean, really, I can barely slice bread when I'm holding a knife with my whole hand! It has to be nearly impossible trying to do anything with them attached to a glove!

I feel like I would try to slash something and they would just get all bendy. There is a good possibility that he'll break a finger if he gets caught on something!

Who wants that? I mean, does he have good health insurance? Because if he doesn't, he's paying for all those broken finger visits out of pocket!

THAT adds up! Trust me! I once had spoon-fingers as a part-time job and I broke my fingers a few times. And I was only scooping custard!

Trying to cut through people? THAT'S hard! Peoples are thick! And not pre-sliced like bread!

Okay, I know he does it all in dreams. I guess he has a good hospital in dream land. They probably fix him up pretty quickly.

But still, every other horror/slasher person probably has an easier time slashing and horroring.

I suppose I can't knock the guy for trying to be original in an already crowded killer market.

Still, are the broken fingers worth it?

I got a bowl of custard that says no.

It's weird that I have talking custard. But it's not weird that we're friends.

I'm off to find my spoon glove.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

magic with sprinkles

People in 1936 were very spoiled. And I'm SO glad they were!

Toast was not good enough for them. Toast is one of the most magical foods EVER. It's not just "cooked bread." Nope, bread goes through a complete genetic change and becomes toast in a magical machine called a "toaster."

It's the only food I eat that changes its name when heated.

Well...magic wasn't enough for people in 1936. NOPE! They said, "Wow...this toast is pretty magical, but wouldn't it be more magical with sprinkles?"

And the world said YES!

They created chocolate sprinkles to put on toast. You got it! THAT is the reason we have chocolate sprinkles today.

So the next time you get some ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, stare deeply at the sprinkles settling on that mound of ice cream and say, "Thank you toast. Without you, these scoops of ice cream would be less sprinkly and more melty."

Say it really loudly, too. It will be funny. And educational to all the people who do not know the history of the chocolate sprinkle.

I think if I were a pony, I would like to change my name to Chocolate Sprinkle. Or Toast.

Both are pretty awesome.

I'm off to sprinkle my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bread on the side of the road

That's what I saw. Just an innocent loaf of bread. On the side of the road. It was so sad.

I love bread. I used to eat bread raw. Right out of the bag. I know, you like to cook it first, but I was a crazy kid.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I do cook it. Most of the time. Sometimes, late at night, when I'm craving something naughty, I'll just open a bag of bread and start eating.

I know! I'm wild!

But that's me.

I was tempted to stop and pick up that lonely loaf of bread. I was THIS CLOSE to doing it.

I just adore bread. All kinds, too! Wheat, honey oat, 12-grain, 9-grain, oatmeal, yummy, all of them!

Cook it in the toaster or just eat it out of the bag! It's good stuff!

I don't know who invented bread, but that was a smart person. I bet it was Einstein or Curie or Tesla or something. They were smart and all of them liked fields of wheat.

Next time you pick up a loaf of bread, think of me.

Then think of a banana wearing a cape. Because that's really funny.

I'm off to save some banana bread.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj