fit into my genes

It took the power of the Supreme Court to decide that your genes are your genes and nobody can patent them.

Which stinks for me, because I had sent thousands of letters to the patent office to get patents for all of your genes.

Then I was going to charge you for having your genes and you would have to pay me to keep being all genie and stuff.

Can’t do that now! Thanks a lot, Supreme Court!

I guess some company found a gene and put a patent on it. The court said that they didn’t actually INVENT anything. They just FOUND something. You can’t patent something that you just find when you’re looking for it!

That’s like you looking in the sky and seeing the sun and thinking, “I just found this giant thing in the sky that is totally bright! I need to patent that because I want to make money from it!”

Doesn’t work that way!

Now, if you created a NEW sun with variations and improvements on the old sun, you could probably patent that. I don’t know where you would put it, though. I mean, the sun is pretty big. It’s bigger than my library. And THAT is BIG!

I wish I could patent my genes. I bet I have some really cool ones. I can jump pretty high. I know my vision isn’t great, but with glasses, I can totally see far.

I don’t really wear jeans, though. I know it’s different, but they sound the same. I like cargo pants. I generally have a lot of cargo, so I need the pants to transport that cargo. Very useful.

I would also like to patent my idea for an envelope that has flavored glue.

I’m off to copyright and trademark and lick an envelope.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

perfectly packed pickles, please

We are in the middle of International Pickle Week! Some of you may know that I'm a HUGE fan of the pickle. It is my favorite fruit/vegetable. I say fruit/vegetable because it is generally called a vegetable unless you go to court. By law, it is a fruit.

If you are ever in a law pickle where a pickle was used for something illegal, make sure you call it a fruit. The U.S. Supreme Court will (maybe) arrest you if you do not.

As much as I love pickles, I did NOT know there was an actual organization regulating pickles. Pickle Packers International has been "serving the pickled vegetable industry for over 100 years."

Or "pickled fruit industry" for you Supreme Courters.

The PPI has all sorts of great information on their website.

Wanna dance? Try the Pickle Polka!

Going out for a fancy date? You can buy some pickle earrings and a bracelet!

But they're not ALL fun & games! (Please ignore the fact that there is a "Fun & Games" section on their website.)

They will also test your pickle's crunch. For your pickle to be deemed an OFFICIAL pickle, it MUST have an audible crunch that can be heard from a minimum distance of 10 paces.

Anything less than that and the pickle is destroyed. And you are slapped with a much sturdier regulation pickle.

So be careful. I've been pickle-slapped before. It hurts.

Luckily, I was able to eat it after. And the Vitamin K healed my wounds. (In case you forgot, pickles are jam-packed with Vitamin K. And Vitamin K has been unproven to heal all wounds.)

I'm off to pickle polka.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj