fruit cutter

I’m a fruit cutter and I’m proud to admit it!

I’ve been testing some new fruits lately, but I’m insanely lazy. I have no desire to cook or prepare food. I don’t know why people would want to do that. It takes so much time!

You know what you could be doing? SOMETHING FUN.

Well, I’ve been testing out my cutting skills on watermelons and pineapples. And guess what! I don’t mind it! I’m shocked that I’ve done this more than once. Seriously. Making food kills me.

Literally. I die every single time. Luckily, I come back to life right after it happens. It’s very strange. In my head, I imagine that everybody else hates it as much as I do.

Of course, some people tell me that I think differently than most people. I don’t believe them.

So yes! I cut large shelled fruit! Well…it’s not a shell. Peel? Rind, I guess? Why are there so many names for the fruit skin?

Like, there are orange and banana peels. For some reason, the watermelon has a “rind.” And it looks like the pineapple just calls it the skin.

Can’t we just have one name for all this stuff? Like, Fruit Shield? Or Fruit Wall? Or Annoying Part Keeping Me From Sweetness?

How did people even find out there was fruit inside? I mean, maybe a watermelon fell and broke open. But what is it about a pineapple that says, “Hey! Open me up for a sweet treat! I know I kinda look like a porcupine/hedgehog thing with funky hair, but I promise that you can touch me and not die!”

I still don’t completely trust them. When cutting a pineapple, I never know if they will just attack. It could happen! Pineapples could just be sitting there…waiting…and when we least expect it…Pina Colada Assault! Here’s manganese in your face!

That’s why I shoot my pineapples with an arrow first. From a safe distance. In the supermarket. Then bring it home.

I won’t be caught unawares. Sadly, I’m not allowed in most supermarkets anymore.

I’m off to skin the apple of pine.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

meat doesn't go there

I don't know what's going on in Detroit, but bacon is not an adhesive bandage. I mean, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I guess I could be wrong.

It turns out doctors have, in fact, used bacon to stop massive nose bleeding. YUP! You have to stick bacon up your nose!

Now, kids...don't stick stuff up your nose. Not bacon or marbles or anything deep fried, without your parents permission.

Parents, if you permit your kids to stick bacon and marbles and anything deep fried up their nose...I'm not sure if you're the greatest or the worst parents ever.

So if you're looking for some sort of bleeding-stopper at the store and you find "nose bacon" on the shelf, you may want to try it.

If you find some "ear sausages" on the shelf, you...wait...where are you?!

What are these stores you go to?!

That's just weird stuff. If you EVER need me to buy stuff for you, I'm not going to your freaky pig-body part stores.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

I don't want to know where a pork rind might go. I don't even know what a "rind" is. And I don't WANT to know.

I'm off to stop the bleeding.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj