resume resuyou

Japan needs a ninja! I’m not kidding! Let me put down the actual job posting.

“Wanted: Part-time ninja for entry-level position. No experience required.”

What?! How awesome is that?! Guess who’s going to Japan? I’ll give you a hintMEEEEEEE.

The pay isn’t great. But I would be a ninja. They provide a black costume and a “book of secrets.” Then, I would teach children how to be little ninjas. No big deal. JUST THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE UNIVERSE.

I decided to get my resume in order so I could make this transition in life. And, as luck would have it, I found a handy article telling me what words I should and should not put on a resume!

For example, do NOT put these on your resume: best of breed (unless you’re applying for a dog job), team player (unless you’re applying for a football job), dynamic (unless you’re applying for a duo job), track record (unless you’re going for a jog job)

You should put these words (without parenthetical jokes): launched, under budget, created, volunteered

Oddly enough, my resume does not say any of these things. It says “I’m totally awesome and you should hire me to be a ninja.”

I’ve had the same resume for years. I think it will finally make sense when I send it to Japan. Now that I think about it, it has become clear why I did not get that public relations job at the United Nations. (But saying United Nations Public Relations if so much fun!)

I will now put “I’m totally awesome and you should hire me to be an under budget ninja.”

The job offers will come flooding in now.

I’m off to pack for Japan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all you need is honey

Did you hear about this?! Some guy nursed a bumble bee back to health. With honey!

Yes! He saw the bee on the ground looking pretty awful. He put a little honey on his hand and picked up the bee and it started eating! Then, it started eating more and getting stronger and was healthy again!

How amazing is that?! Even if it's fake, I don't care!

I may or may not have a degree in medical doctoriness, but I think this could change medical science forever!

I'm going to go to the hospital and have everybody drink honey. Then, when everybody is cured of everything, we will have a party. With a water slide.

I wonder if water slides work if you put honey on them instead of water? A honey slide. Hmmm...I may have to try that.

Oh! And there will bee (did that on purpose for funniness) a pool filled with honey! Honey pools are the best! Unless you like big splashes with your cannonballs. Then they're not so good.

But if you want a good upper-body workout, do laps in a honey-filled pool. A few of those and you could have the strength of a bee! A bee with the POWER OF HONEY!

I think bees and I have a lot in common. Bees love honey and I love honey.

Okay, so it's only one thing in common, but it's a BIG thing in common.

Maybe I should get a pet bee. We could eat honey together, watch Star Wars, fly kites, make prank calls to the United Nations (Hey Ban Ki-moon, is that your cell phone buzzing? NO IT'S MY BEE! *hang up* hahaha!)...oh the fun we would have!

I'm off to put honey in my hands and adopt a bee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj