resume resuyou

Japan needs a ninja! I’m not kidding! Let me put down the actual job posting.

“Wanted: Part-time ninja for entry-level position. No experience required.”

What?! How awesome is that?! Guess who’s going to Japan? I’ll give you a hintMEEEEEEE.

The pay isn’t great. But I would be a ninja. They provide a black costume and a “book of secrets.” Then, I would teach children how to be little ninjas. No big deal. JUST THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE UNIVERSE.

I decided to get my resume in order so I could make this transition in life. And, as luck would have it, I found a handy article telling me what words I should and should not put on a resume!

For example, do NOT put these on your resume: best of breed (unless you’re applying for a dog job), team player (unless you’re applying for a football job), dynamic (unless you’re applying for a duo job), track record (unless you’re going for a jog job)

You should put these words (without parenthetical jokes): launched, under budget, created, volunteered

Oddly enough, my resume does not say any of these things. It says “I’m totally awesome and you should hire me to be a ninja.”

I’ve had the same resume for years. I think it will finally make sense when I send it to Japan. Now that I think about it, it has become clear why I did not get that public relations job at the United Nations. (But saying United Nations Public Relations if so much fun!)

I will now put “I’m totally awesome and you should hire me to be an under budget ninja.”

The job offers will come flooding in now.

I’m off to pack for Japan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space cannons

You know how we have NASA? Japan has a space program, too. But with a cooler name! JAXA! It’s the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency.

Don’t think it’s a cool name? Try this experiment. Jump into a room full of people one day and yell, “NASA!”

Then, the next day, do the same thing, but shout, “JAXA!”

Which one gets the better reaction? That’s right! JAXA! Trust me, I’ve been testing this out for weeks! Besides being banned from 38 businesses, I now know that JAXA is much more fun to scream.

JAXA has created a space cannon. To shoot at asteroids. Much like the 1979 Atari game.

This is technically supposed to shoot an asteroid so they can collect debris to test. But I’m pretty sure it’s really being made just in case a giant asteroid decides to attack Earth. Japan will shoot it for us and save the planet.

Also, in my head, they shoot the asteroid and yell “JAXA!” right after. If Japan doesn’t shout it, I will.

When I was space pirate, I had space cannons on my ship. They were not used for research. They were used to save damsels and…um…guys in distress. What’s the guy version of damsel? What is "damsel?" Hold on…I have to go look this up.

…

Got it! A damsel is a “young, unmarried woman.” It looks like “bachelor” is the best choice for an opposite.

We would save damsels in distress and bachelors in…um…bleakness! Bleakness works!

What was I talking about again? Oh…right…me being a space pirate. Which is totally true. And I would yell “JAXA!” after every successful mission.

I didn’t succeed a lot. That’s why I’m not a space pirate anymore.

I’m off to cannon an asteroid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

goldfish in d minor

Fish are musical geniuses! Science has proven it!

Researchers in Japan wanted to see if goldfish could figure out different musical compositions. So, they trained goldfish to tug on a string when Bach was playing.

If Stravinsky was playing, they weren’t supposed to do anything.

Being a Bach fan, I would pretty much do the same thing. Clearly these Goldfish have good taste. Except the one that tugged the string for Stravinsky. That goldfish and I don’t get along. You NEVER tug for Stravinsky.

There were over 100 training sessions to get the goldfish to learn that you tug on Bach. But it worked!

They can now distinguish The Rite of Spring from Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

And when they were listening to Robin Thicke, the fish would start twerking. Which is awesome and weird at the same time.

I had a fish once. Sammie. She was the best fish EVER. And after a few training sessions, she knew when it was feeding time! As soon as I picked up the food container, she would swim to the top. If I didn’t pick up the container, Sammie knew that nothing was happening.

Well, not exactly nothing. She knew it was time for me to talk about comic books for a few hours. I don’t think she liked that because she would keep tugging on the string.

I still don’t know why I had that string in there. Or why it was connected to my patent pending Bach Musical Machine. But, it was fun talking comics in G Major and listening to a Fugue in A Minor.

Then Sammie and I would talk medical advancements from 1734-1786.

Sammie also wrote a lot of classical music. They were mostly existential pieces about a plastic scuba diver. Sometimes they were about bubbles.

I’m off tug on Bach.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj