foresight activation

Hershey’s is looking to hire a Senior Manager in “Foresight Activation.” Somebody who can see what trends will be happening in the future and make sure that Hershey acts on those trends.

They should hire me. President Hershey, this is my resume.

I see people eating chocolate bars. That is the trend. I will act on that trend by eating a chocolate bar.

The end.

Hire me.

Still not convinced?! Looking for something a little more radical? Okay, Hershey, try THIS on!

Think about how you get a TV show. It’s just info over the air. The same with Wi-Fi at home. Data just going through you.

Well! How about doing the same thing with chocolate bars! I was thinking of calling it Wonkavision. Or Wo-Fi.

That might not be legal. So, how about Hershyvision! And He-Fi!

If that’s not enough to convince you, here’s my last idea.

Put stuff in chocolate bars. Not just peanuts and caramel. Do a full-on nut bar! With peanuts, cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, and walnuts! Make it BIG.

Or do a seed bar with pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds!

Put in caramel and chocolate goo and gummy bears and popcorn and waffles and honey and maple syrup! You can even do it with the Kisses. Put a gummy bear in each one!

This is what the people want!

Now hire me.

I’m off work my activision.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There's no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What's the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they're stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer's Note: I'm actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn't I listen to my own advice?

Editor's Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, "Let me taste that!"

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there's not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I'm off to tap a tree. I hope it's a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

honey laundering

As much as I wish I thought of that term, I did not. But it IS real!

I love honey. I may have said that before, but I would like to say it again. I LOVE HONEY! I use it for pretty much everything in my life. EVERYTHING.

Okay, I have never used honey to do my laundry, but that's not what this article is about. Now that I think about it, though, I feel like adding honey to the washing machine might be a great idea. Kids, try that at home. Let me know what happens. Don't tell your parents who told you to do it. Pretend it was totally your idea. Because you're super smart.

Turns out honey is big business. Big enough to have "counterfeit" honey come into the country! YES! Some unsavory companies have been selling honey that is not actually honey at all! Just corn syrup and sugar!

Now, I would never complain about chugging a jug (a jug chug) of corn syrup and sugar, but not when I want pure, unadulterated honey!

Luckily, astronomy has found a way to save you from funny honey. A laser isotope ratio-meter can analyze your honey to tell you exactly where it came from! Right down to the longitude and latitude of the flower petals!

What? You don't have a laser isotope ratio-meter? Why not?! Don't you search for methane gas on Mars a few times a week?

You should be! It's fun! I do it almost every day! While sipping a jug of honey!

I'm like Neil deGrasse Tyson. If Neil deGrasse Tyson were Winnie the Pooh.

Can we actually make that happen for a children's book series? That would combine my two idols and my love of honey. Thanks.

I'm off to Hayden Planetarium at Pooh Corner.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

in the mood for food that's good

Make sure you say "good" like "food" and "mood." It's funner that way.

I sometimes think that I should start my own food blog. Not that anyone reads my non-food blog. And not that anyone likes any of the food choices I make. But, I do often write about my adventures in fooding because every new food experience is an adventure!

Sometimes it ends with a new favorite food. Other times...well...my tummy doesn't like me so much and questions my decisions.

I DID try some new things recently that I encourage you all to do. Today. And again tomorrow.

Apples and hummus! Not just ANY hummus. SUPER HUMMUS! I found this stuff the other day because I was looking to get into hummus. I know I've had it before and I've always liked it, but I never really kept up with it. We casually hung out, but I wanted to make us a little more BFFy. Luckily, I found Super Hummus.

I like to think that if Superman or The Hulk or Wolverine had a hankerin' for hummus, they would eat Super Hummus. Therefore, since I'm part super, I had to buy Super Hummus.

Now that I AM a regular hummuser, I decided to go off the vegetable path and try it with an apple. Bear with me, it gets a little complicated here. It tasted good...after the first few slices. See, the apple had to dry a little before it was good. It started too juicy and that didn't work well with the hummus.

As you may or may not know, I've been experimenting with peanut butter and honey. I love the combination of the two. I also love cinnamon. The word and the spice. One of my favorite things to say is "cinnamon in it."

Go ahead. Say it really fast. Fun, isn't it! I can't stop saying it! Cinnamoninit!

Now I CAN say it all the time! My mom suggested some honey AND cinnamon AND peanut butter on toast. Four of my favorite things combined! My mom is a genius. It is amazing!

And now, if I ever have company that wants a snack, I will make this for them. Wanna know why? I'll show you...

You/Guest: "This is great! How did you get toast to taste so fun?"

Me: "It has cinnamon in it!"

You/Guest: "CINNAMONINIT!"

As a bonus, I just found out that "Toast To Taste" is also really fun to say.

I'm off to toast to taste cinnamon in it.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

for crying out loud

For crying out loud, you get a lot of attention! And you also start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which grammar people LOVE.

Grammatical sarcasm aside, I heard somebody say "for crying out loud" the other day and I started repeating it to myself trying to figure out what it could possibly mean. We say it so fast when we actually use it.

"Did you get your candy yet?"

"Halloween is still 7 months away, fercryinoutloud!"

(By the way, buying Halloween candy should be done every day of the year. It's candy. It's good. Eat it every day.)

Or maybe it's for getting prizes!

"For crying out loud, you will get our award for Out Loudness!"

"Since everybody else in class cried internally, you get the Cry Award for crying out loud!"

Everybody cheers! Some internally.

Prepositional exclamatory phrases aside, I really didn't have much else to talk about.

Well, I DID try something new. I love cutting up an apple and eating it with peanut butter. LOVE IT. I ALSO love peanut butter and toast.

Since I enjoy honey and jam and jelly on toast, I decided to try honey and jam and jelly on apple slices! Separately.

They were ok. They didn't taste bad, kinda just...there. Not NEARLY as exciting as peanut butter and apple!

So yeah...nothing special. My life can't always be exciting, for crying out loud!

I'm off to cry internally. Which sounds really, really sad.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

there's a hurricane in my tummy

I'm having a problem.

I have no idea how much food to eat. I can't quite figure it out. I know people keep telling me, "You don't have to worry about what you eat."

Well, I think I do. Because today my tummy has declared war on my body. Not a cyber war, either. This is full on battle where my tummy is trying to advance up throatopolis but my swallowing soldiers are fighting back.

I think it's a losing battle.

I'm not sure if I ate too much yesterday or ate something bad. But I never know when I'm full. My stomach never says, "Ok, that's enough food." It usually says, "Just keep on eating, I love it!"

Until today. When it doesn't love it. At all.

Luckily, there is a storm going on and if I don't eat, I won't run out of food supplies! That's a big plus! I stocked up on peanut butter and candy corn for the hurricane.

Hmmm...may have figured out why I'm regurgitatey.

Anywhizzle, found Blackberry Cobble Candy Corn! YEP! MORE flavors of candy corn!

Now, this is a different company that does NOT make their candied corn with REAL honey. And you can tell! It's not as good. It might not have anything to do with the honey, but I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with the honey.

Also, the unnatural combination of blackberry cobbler and candy corn may have devastating effects on your stomach. But again, may or may not be the reason.

I'm off to curl up and groan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the final say on candy corn

There is no guarantee that this is actually the last time I will write about candy corn.

But it could be.

I tried all the new candies and cookies that have been created to TASTE like candy corn.

And they were good.

I decided to give candy corn another chance. I never used to like it. It was always...not right.

I have changed my mind. I now like it! It's good! I don't know if they changed anything, but the bag does say that it is made with "real honey." And, well, you know how passionate I am about honey!

I have a theory about the "bad" candy corn. People put it in a dish and it sits out and gets dry and nasty. THAT is when it is gross! And THAT might be why I never liked it!

So keep it fresh in the bag so kids don't get scarred like I did!

AND NOW they make different flavors! They have original, which I guess is honey-flavor, caramel, AND caramel apple! They also have a nondescript-flavor pumpkin!

Apparently, Canada is rumoured to have a Blueberry Cobbler Candy Corn. I have NO idea what compelled the Canadians to make that, but I love them for it. And if you know any Canadian candy smugglers, I am willing to pay top dollar for a bag of that.

Legally speaking, I didn't just ask that. (Even though I really did. Shhhh...)

Candy corn, I apologize for treating you so badly for so long. I hope we can get along now. And by get along, I mean I will buy many bags of you and eat like crazy.

I'm off to visit a...friend...at the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all you need is honey

Did you hear about this?! Some guy nursed a bumble bee back to health. With honey!

Yes! He saw the bee on the ground looking pretty awful. He put a little honey on his hand and picked up the bee and it started eating! Then, it started eating more and getting stronger and was healthy again!

How amazing is that?! Even if it's fake, I don't care!

I may or may not have a degree in medical doctoriness, but I think this could change medical science forever!

I'm going to go to the hospital and have everybody drink honey. Then, when everybody is cured of everything, we will have a party. With a water slide.

I wonder if water slides work if you put honey on them instead of water? A honey slide. Hmmm...I may have to try that.

Oh! And there will bee (did that on purpose for funniness) a pool filled with honey! Honey pools are the best! Unless you like big splashes with your cannonballs. Then they're not so good.

But if you want a good upper-body workout, do laps in a honey-filled pool. A few of those and you could have the strength of a bee! A bee with the POWER OF HONEY!

I think bees and I have a lot in common. Bees love honey and I love honey.

Okay, so it's only one thing in common, but it's a BIG thing in common.

Maybe I should get a pet bee. We could eat honey together, watch Star Wars, fly kites, make prank calls to the United Nations (Hey Ban Ki-moon, is that your cell phone buzzing? NO IT'S MY BEE! *hang up* hahaha!)...oh the fun we would have!

I'm off to put honey in my hands and adopt a bee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the colors of honey

I love honey. And I never thought it could get better, but France has figured out a trick to make a honey rainbow! Honey Rainbow would be a great name for a 60's folk musical act.

Actually...Honey Rainbow would be a great name for anything. You should name your next child Honey Rainbow. You'll thank me later.

In le France, bees love nectar. And by nectar, I mean M&M sugar! They've been eating colored sugar from the candy factor and using it to make their honey!

The honey is coming out green and blue! This is the greatest thing to hit honey since the pot!

For some reason, the honey-dealers aren't selling it. They say that it tastes like honey. It just has a different color.

Sooo...what's the problem? I don't know if they're just being stubborn, but they should sell it. Honestly, tell me, you'd buy all of it if you could, right?! It's green honey!

How is that NOT the coolest thing ever?!

What is wrong with French beekeepers?!

I'm going to go to Franceland and DEMAND that they sell it to me. If they say no, I will call upon my bee army to attack them.

Those bees worked HARD for that blue honey! They thought, "Wouldn't it be so nice of us to give our beekeeping friends something new to sell? To make them MORE MONEY than they've ever seen in their life?"

And those ungrateful beekeepers won't even sell it. That is an INSULT to the bees.

Bees don't like to be treated that way. They would protest with the music stylings of Honey Rainbow, but the time for peace has past.

I wants my green honey. And the bees want to attack.

I'm off to lead the bee-ttalion. (tee hee)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

first sharks now this?!

Oh no. This is bad. I know zombies are totally hip right now, but this is just scary.

Zombie Bees.

Affectionately called "zombees" by apiarists.

Unaffectionately called "ZOMBIE BEES ARE TRYING TO KILL ME" by everybody else.

It's like "The Walking Dead" if it became "The Fly-And-Sting-You-And-Lure-You-Into-A-False-Sense-Of-Security-With-Their-Sweet-Nectar Dead."

I love honey. I eat it every day. I also use it as a face wash. Should I worry about becoming a zombie?

Will I become a BEE?! WILL I BECOME A MUTANT HUMAN/BEE/ZOMBIE HYBRID LIKE THE HYBRID SHARKS?!?!

These are all questions that one must ask oneself when that self enjoys honey made by not yourself!

These are also questions that one must ask oneself when oneself doesn't know what that self should write about when blogging about that self's love of honey.

OH! You know what else is good? Honey peanut butter.

Oh no...my peanut butter could make me a zombie too!

Eh...it's worth it. Honey peanut butter is really good. Good enough to go zombie for.

I'm off to zombee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj