carney and cosplay

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has decided not to secrete the press anymore. This may not be a huge deal to you. But it is to me because I always wanted to cosplay as Jay Carney.

For those who don’t know, cosplay is when you dress up as somebody else. Like people who dress up as Spider-Man at a comic book convention. That’s cosplay.

So why Jay Carney? Because I could totally pull it off! And political cosplay is one of my 17 favorite kinds of cosplay on my list of “Favorite Cosplay Themes.”

It’s also super easy! I wear glasses and own a suit! Done! Super Carney to the rescue!

Ok. Maybe I would make my Jay a little more comic booky than he already is. But still.

I would also press a lot of things. Like benches and printings. Because I would be a Press Secretary.

A lot of people don’t like the word “secretary” these days. I wonder why? I mean, Press Secretary is a pretty impressive job! You talk for the President!

And the Secretary of State deals with foreign policy all the time. That Kerry guy is always going to different places to make world peace!

Some people say, “I’d rather be called an Administrative Assistant instead of a Secretary.”

Really? But secretaries are creating world peace!

Maybe it’s because these White House secretaries have other titles with them. Maybe secretaries should have more specific names at businesses. Like Secretary of Awesome. Or Ninja Secretary.

Or Ninja Secretary of Awesome.

Oh…wait…I think I have a new title at work! I need to get that on my business card!

If only I was important enough to get a business card.

I’m off to make world peace as the Ninja Secretary of Awesome!

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

resume resuyou

Japan needs a ninja! I’m not kidding! Let me put down the actual job posting.

“Wanted: Part-time ninja for entry-level position. No experience required.”

What?! How awesome is that?! Guess who’s going to Japan? I’ll give you a hintMEEEEEEE.

The pay isn’t great. But I would be a ninja. They provide a black costume and a “book of secrets.” Then, I would teach children how to be little ninjas. No big deal. JUST THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE UNIVERSE.

I decided to get my resume in order so I could make this transition in life. And, as luck would have it, I found a handy article telling me what words I should and should not put on a resume!

For example, do NOT put these on your resume: best of breed (unless you’re applying for a dog job), team player (unless you’re applying for a football job), dynamic (unless you’re applying for a duo job), track record (unless you’re going for a jog job)

You should put these words (without parenthetical jokes): launched, under budget, created, volunteered

Oddly enough, my resume does not say any of these things. It says “I’m totally awesome and you should hire me to be a ninja.”

I’ve had the same resume for years. I think it will finally make sense when I send it to Japan. Now that I think about it, it has become clear why I did not get that public relations job at the United Nations. (But saying United Nations Public Relations if so much fun!)

I will now put “I’m totally awesome and you should hire me to be an under budget ninja.”

The job offers will come flooding in now.

I’m off to pack for Japan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

food in 3d

NASA is super cool. I love NASA. For 317 reasons. The latest reason is that they have given a grant to a company that wants to make food. IN 3D!

No special glasses required! And this isn’t post-production 3D like the movies! This is actual food in full-on three dimensions!

If I had to choose my dimensionally favorite food, it would have to be the 3 kind. It’s too hard pick up anything 2D. 4D is always tough to hold onto since it’s going through time. And 5D is just a mess until you say its name backwards! Kltpzyxm! (A Superman fan will find that funny! Everyone else is allowed to continue to think I am not funny.)

This NEW 3D food will be made with a printer. Kinda like a replicator in Star Trek! (Second Star Trek reference of the week! Score!) This 3D printer will have proteins, carbohydrates, and sugars instead of ink to make “edible food products!”

Instead of printing out a picture of a pen for your “Pictures of Pens” scrapbook, you can print out a pen made of proteins, carbohydrates, and sugars for you “Eatings of Pens” edible food products...book!

Edible food products are great. So much better than inedible food products.

Of course, I’m a huge fan of edible non-food products. Nothing is more fun than eating not-food!

Except maybe ninja robot penguins. They’re really fun, too.

I’m off to eat my food in the third dimension.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

words with squid

A lot of people have mobile devices. Phones to play Words with Friends. Tablets to play Words with Friends. Scrabble boards to play Words with Friends.

Wait...maybe not that last one...

With all this need to play with words, the world needs to keep making mobile devices! And one is clearly not enough! That is why they predict that by the end of the year, there will be more mobile devices than humans.

That's right, it's our own fault that machines are taking over the world! You have no reason to get upset when they figure out how to laser you and control your brain. It's your own fault. Because you love friends and words.

Luckily, I'm prepared. When all your phones and tablets start sprouting legs and arms and lasers and flame throwers, I have a team of squid ready to fight back.

Not just any squid, FLYING squid. These things squirt water to propel themselves out of the ocean. Then fly, like, 100 feet!

With that kind of water pressure, they could totally just aim their squirters at the army of iPads and take them all down!

Unless computers figure out how to waterproof themselves.

Or if they buy raincoats.

I guess I didn't plan this too well. I should probably train the squid with some ninja moves, too.

I'm off to get 48 points on a triple word square with "squid."

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

surgery and football

Scientists in Great Britain have created the future for you! TODAY!

They are working on robots that can speak 20 languages, play football, AND perform surgery! (Since it is in Great Britain, I imagine that they mean international football/american soccer. But as far as I know, they're basically the same thing with different scoring rules.)

Soon, you'll be able to watch them play football/soccer while replacing a heart and ALSO take customer service calls from one of twenty different languaged locations!

Luckily, they haven't created robots that know how to ninja or wizard you. But we should be careful JUST IN CASE.

See, soccer/football is a gateway sport. It often leads to ninja.

Also, little known fact, surgerying is a gateway activity to wizarding/witchcrafting!

And an even lesser known fact, knowing how to speak 20 languages is a gateway skill to learning 21 languages!

If you have a robot that knows ninja and wizard and 21 languages, you have a recipe for disaster!

Or tim tams. I can never remember which.

I hope it's the tim tams. Otherwise, we're doomed.

I could go for a tim tam right now.

If I could only make it past the ninja/witch/robot yelling at me in another language.

I'm off to find a gateway robot.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

lean back for health

I recently saw an article that said sitting is bad for you. I'm cool with that. I like to stand most of the time. It's more fun. It's easier to dance when you're standing. 

BUT! They said that if you are sitting it is best to recline and NOT sit straight up!

Since I do a lot of driving, I wanted to test this out. So far...not great.

I have to put the seat REALLY close to the pedals so I can recline and still reach the steering wheel.

I know some people do that because it's really cool to look "relaxed" behind the wheel. But what people DON'T see is my knees squished against the dashboard.

So what do I do? It's better for my body to be reclined. But it's so uncomfortable for my legs! If my legs were 30 cm shorter, this would be perfect.

Why did I have to be cursed/blessed with beautiful, long legs?! They're amazing when I have to go ninja-kick evil robot otters, but such a pain when I have to drive to the locations that said evil resides.

And since I do a lot of driving to evil locations, my legs are unhappy. And unhappy legs means less amazing ninja skills.

Less amazing ninja skills means evil could win. But is sitting straight up also a form of evil? Is evil out to get me from every direction?

I smell an evil conspiracy.

I also smell burning rubber. I don't know why. I should probably worry about that because it's making me a little light-headed.

I'm off to adjust my seat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tattoo yourself

I've had this blue dot on my hand for years. I mean, I remember having it in elementary school. I don't know where I got it, but it has never gone away.

WELL! I've asked around, and people are telling me that it IS possible to tattoo yourself! One theory is that I must have inked myself at a very young age so deep that the skin grew over it and now I have a small tattoo on my hand.

What's that? You say I'm totally hardcore for giving myself a tattoo?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think I did it when I was behind bars. Crib-style. I had to show my cabbage patch kid who was the boss.

Turned out he was the boss because he took WAY more abuse than I did. And I named him Michael Knight, so he's automatically tougher than I am.

THEORY TWO! Turns out they sometimes give a small tattoo to twins. Well, one of the twins. So you know which is which. Could I have a twin? And not just a twin, but I'm the imperfect one that was dotted!

Where is this perfect version of me? Is he or she a ninja? A movie star? A vampire?

I've been told I look like a Flynn Rider. Is that my twin?! Is that who I'm supposed to be?! Why can't I be Flynn Rider?!

Okay...so maybe Flynn Rider is a stretch, but a 9-year-old girl thinks I look like him, so I'll believe her.

I'm off to find a third theory.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj