my phone is too big

That line is hilarious to two other people. One of them probably doesn’t even remember me. The other probably isn’t reading this right now.

But in my head, I’m laughing so hard that if I were drinking some sort of liquid, it would be coming out of my nose. And possibly other places as well.

I'm afraid this post will get all ranty and I apologize for that. (I don't really, I love to rant!)

I realize that I’m often different. I don’t know how it happened. I remember when I first got a smartphone. It wasn’t that long ago, so if I didn’t remember it, we would have to worry about my brain.

It’s a good phone. It does what I want. Calls people. Texts people. Checks twitter. Plays Words with Friend. Maybe someday I’ll get another friend and I can upgrade to Words with Friends.

The phone isn’t bleeding edge. It wasn’t even newish when I got it. It just does what I need. Now, it’s been a few years and I’m looking for a new phone, but I was hoping for something smaller.

WHAT?! SMALLER?!?! Who wants that?! Well…me, I guess. And apparently I’m the only one.

My phone has a 4.3-inch screen. Which is actually average to small these days. But I hate carrying around something so big!

So, I’m thinking of getting an iPhone 4s with a 3.5-inch screen. Because I'm very secure.

I really thought I would want a big screen, but I’m finding out that I really hate carrying it around.

Why am I talking about this? I have no idea. I just needed to vent. And my Friend from Words is sick of hearing about it.

Though, Apple doesn’t have Swype. Swype is a magical keyboard that makes me happier than peanut butter. You should try it.

But, I am a fan of items named after fruit. Especially apples. Apples are good.

But apples and peanut butter are even better.

I’m off to compare sizes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cuttlefish instagram

Researchers at the University of Buffalo know what’s important! They have been working on making Wi-Fi available…UNDERWATER!

Ever heard of a tweeting fish? You will now!

Sorry, that was a bad joke. But you should know, most of the jokes are bad. Deal with it.

Imagine having Facebook everywhere you go! You could be on your yacht and sail for days and never have to worry about missing a post.

Just think of the selfies you could post on Instagram! “Me in the Atlantic! #oceanfun #selfie #bluewater” Or “Me in the Pacific! #selfie #beautifulday #whatsthatfinbehindme”

Granted, they’re not doing this so you can play with your phone on every inch of the world. They say there are practical reasons, too.

Mostly because Aquaman is bored and the only member of the Justice League NOT on Facebook. Partly because it could actually help with tons of research about our oceans.

Also, for safety reasons! It could help detect a tsunami or other strange underwater disasters.

Like, if you follow a shark on Twitter, you’ll know what beach to avoid. (I warned you about the jokes!)

They did say this could be used for many things like “helping law enforcement track drug traffickers to protecting the ocean’s inhabitants.”

Yep! After many years working with the DEA (not true), I know that traffickers love posting selfies WITH location services ON!

“Smooth sailing and sunny days! #selfie #hash #dealer #cuteoutfit”

He was easy to catch.

I’m off to FishFaceBook.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

stamping out safety

So Michelle Obama has this “Let’s Move” thing going on to encourage people to exercise and stuff. One way to get the word out was with a new line of stamps.

But! These stamps are now all destroyed! For safety reasons!

No, the stamps weren’t toxic or sharp or anything. The images on the stamps were dangerous. They had “unsafe” images. Like a kid doing a cannonball into a pool. Or somebody doing a handstand without a helmet. One even had a skateboarder NOT wearing knee pads!

I know! That’s just crazy!

So instead of influencing children to do all of these unsafe things, they decided to destroy all the stamps. Because, you know, what kids see on stamps they ALWAYS do.

SERIOUSLY?! This is what they decided to do?!

How many kids even know what a stamp is?! They barely even use email these days! It’s mostly texting and Twitter and Facebook!

And unless your kid is a philatelist, then they probably will never even touch a stamp!

(For you non-stampers, a philatelist is a collector of stamps. I’m pretty sure kids don’t do that anymore. Collecting apps is way more exciting.)

Also, who wears a helmet for a handstand?! When did that start happening? And what’s dangerous about a cannonball? You’re jumping into water! A belly flop is dangerous. THAT hurts. But the cannonball gets you into the water just as safely as any other dive.

The knee pads…well…I can understand that one. Knees and cement are a painful combination. I have plenty of knee scars to prove it.

But again, WHAT CHILD WILL EVER USE A STAMP. And if they accidentally mailed a letter, what child would look at that stamp and say, “WHOA! Stamp-kid isn’t wearing knee pads. I don’t think I’ll ever wear them again! You are totally way more influential than all those TV shows I watch, stamp!”

NO! That will never happen! Because it’s just plain silly!

I’m off to do a handstand without a helmet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

apostrophusion

An area in England has decided to get rid of the apostrophe from their street signs because it's too confusing. Luckily, the APS was there to make sure that DIDN'T happen!

Oh, the APS is the Apostrophe Protection Society. They exist because...um...I guess they want to make sure the apostrophe doesn't get pushed around by other, bigger punctuations and typographical marks.

IMAGINE the confusion when driving around Devonshire and you're looking for King's Crossing (a crossing officially owned by the king) and you come across Kings Crossing (a place where you would see many kings crossing at the same time)!

It would be chaos! Rampant, unapostrophed, King's/Kings chaos!

You would never know if Lloyds Hill had many Lloyds on it or if it were actually owned by a Lloyd! And I am not kidding when I say that I have ALWAYS wondered that! (I even have the T-Shirt to prove it!)

There was once a battle against the # (hash) that the apostrophe lost. Like, hardcore lost. Have you ever been on Twitter? You should be. It's awesome. But if anything is hash tagged, then the apostrophe is gone. Gone!

But I LOVE all punctuations and typographical marks! I can't go a day without thanking the ampersand or the guillemets!

For now, I can't have the best of both worlds. But don't tell the APS that I love Twitter. They will dash over and backslash me with a dagger. (Look up punctuations and that sentence is totally hilarious!)

I'm off to make more punctual jokes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj