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Researchers at the University of Buffalo know what’s important! They have been working on making Wi-Fi available…UNDERWATER!

Ever heard of a tweeting fish? You will now!

Sorry, that was a bad joke. But you should know, most of the jokes are bad. Deal with it.

Imagine having Facebook everywhere you go! You could be on your yacht and sail for days and never have to worry about missing a post.

Just think of the selfies you could post on Instagram! “Me in the Atlantic! #oceanfun #selfie #bluewater” Or “Me in the Pacific! #selfie #beautifulday #whatsthatfinbehindme”

Granted, they’re not doing this so you can play with your phone on every inch of the world. They say there are practical reasons, too.

Mostly because Aquaman is bored and the only member of the Justice League NOT on Facebook. Partly because it could actually help with tons of research about our oceans.

Also, for safety reasons! It could help detect a tsunami or other strange underwater disasters.

Like, if you follow a shark on Twitter, you’ll know what beach to avoid. (I warned you about the jokes!)

They did say this could be used for many things like “helping law enforcement track drug traffickers to protecting the ocean’s inhabitants.”

Yep! After many years working with the DEA (not true), I know that traffickers love posting selfies WITH location services ON!

“Smooth sailing and sunny days! #selfie #hash #dealer #cuteoutfit”

He was easy to catch.

I’m off to FishFaceBook.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

stamping out safety

So Michelle Obama has this “Let’s Move” thing going on to encourage people to exercise and stuff. One way to get the word out was with a new line of stamps.

But! These stamps are now all destroyed! For safety reasons!

No, the stamps weren’t toxic or sharp or anything. The images on the stamps were dangerous. They had “unsafe” images. Like a kid doing a cannonball into a pool. Or somebody doing a handstand without a helmet. One even had a skateboarder NOT wearing knee pads!

I know! That’s just crazy!

So instead of influencing children to do all of these unsafe things, they decided to destroy all the stamps. Because, you know, what kids see on stamps they ALWAYS do.

SERIOUSLY?! This is what they decided to do?!

How many kids even know what a stamp is?! They barely even use email these days! It’s mostly texting and Twitter and Facebook!

And unless your kid is a philatelist, then they probably will never even touch a stamp!

(For you non-stampers, a philatelist is a collector of stamps. I’m pretty sure kids don’t do that anymore. Collecting apps is way more exciting.)

Also, who wears a helmet for a handstand?! When did that start happening? And what’s dangerous about a cannonball? You’re jumping into water! A belly flop is dangerous. THAT hurts. But the cannonball gets you into the water just as safely as any other dive.

The knee pads…well…I can understand that one. Knees and cement are a painful combination. I have plenty of knee scars to prove it.

But again, WHAT CHILD WILL EVER USE A STAMP. And if they accidentally mailed a letter, what child would look at that stamp and say, “WHOA! Stamp-kid isn’t wearing knee pads. I don’t think I’ll ever wear them again! You are totally way more influential than all those TV shows I watch, stamp!”

NO! That will never happen! Because it’s just plain silly!

I’m off to do a handstand without a helmet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the computer in your hand

I saw some video a few weeks ago that has stuck in my mind. It was Newton Leroy Gingrich. You might call him Newt. Because you’re his buddy. And when you buddy with somebody, you shorten their name.

At least, that’s what I see people do on television. I don’t know what it’s like to have a buddy.

Newty Newt put out a video about his phone. His “smartphone.” He doesn’t like the name. He says that it is no more phone than it is a computer. Basically, it’s a computer that also makes phone calls. All from the palm of your hand!

And he’s absolutely right! Yeah, these things basically started out as phones, but are you really making phone calls on it?! NO! You’re playing games and looking at Facebook and taking pictures for Instagram!

It is, in fact, a device that communicates with other devices. Hence, the first name I will propose to Newton. A “Communicator.”

Just like they used in Star Trek! I think it would be a fitting homage to a show about the future that we are finally catching up to. So, if you ever ask me to text you, I will use my communicator to do it.

If you don’t like that name, I have one more to propose. “Dragon.”

You: “Could you check on the weather?”

Me: “Sure, let me just get my dragon and find out.”

You: “And then call Newton about the movies?”

Me: “Absolutely. I’ll call him with my dragon.”

You: “Also, could you attack an evil castle holding a demon wizard casting a spell of lameness over the world?”

Me: “Yep! My dragon will take care of that! With a very awesome app!”

See?! Wouldn't you look cool if you had a dragon, too?!

Or you could keep calling it a smartphone. Yawn.

I’m off to watch youtube with my dragon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

leave a message

I read something the other day about the new etiquette required for use with your mobile phone. Or "cell" phone, as the kids call it. And adults. And non-age specific people who like the word "cell."

The deal is this: If you call, don't leave a message unless it is SUPER important. Otherwise, the other person will see that you called and call you back. Or, after calling and getting to voicemail, hang up and text the voicemail message you WOULD have left.

Because reading a text takes less time than calling your voicemail and putting in your password and listening to the voicemail.

This way, you won't be a burden to the other person. Because leaving messages is rude and totally uncalled (pun intended) for these days.

Yet, only a few years ago, people would LOVE to get messages and voicemails! Not a burden at all getting to hear your friends! In fact, it was a small treat in the day! Now your voice is hindering their Facebook time!

How rude of you!

One of the (possibly many) reasons I don't have friends might be due to my voicemail messages. I leave long ones. LONG. The voicemail cuts me off. Then I call back to leave PART 2 of my message. Sometimes, but not often, requiring a trilogy of messages!

THAT is how you know I care about you. I'm willing to spend the time to rant and rave about absolutely nothing for 3 voicemail messages.

Currently, nobody calls me back. And generally text me to never call again.

I may have to rethink my methods. Instead of calling, I'll just text you with my message. Now you'll just have to get 30 texts at a time from me.

I'm just trying to be etiquettey. Because I'm a gentleman like that.

I'm off to mail a voice and text.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj