today is a good day to collect unemployment

WARNING! This post has a lot of bad jokes involving Star Trek and the warrior race of Klingons. You have been warned!

Apparently warrioring (or is it warriorring?) isn’t too lucrative these days. At least, not in Illinois. Because Klingons are having a tough time finding work there.

It’s a little known (totally untrue) fact that Klingons love Chicago. And Chicago's lovely suburbs.

Actually, I’ve never been to Chicago or any of its suburbs, so I can’t really comment on their loveliness, but I’m sure they’re great. I don’t want to lead you astray with hearsay and rumors. I only work with truths and facts. (When it suits my needs.)

This part IS true. The Illinois Department of Unemployment offers information in Spanish, Polish, Russian, Chinese, and Klingon! So, obviously, there must be enough Klingon (or Klingon-speaking) families there to warrant that translation!

Though, you might not find any Klingons actually applying for unemployment. They are a very proud race and don’t like to ask for help. Like, ever.

Though, I hear there is a lot of good theatre in Chicago, so maybe it’s not the lack of a need for warriors, but rather a lack of needed actors. Because, as Gorkon said, “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.”

Oh, you didn’t know? Shakespeare was a Klingon. Why do you think there’s so much fighting?

Also, can you understand anything in Shakespeare? No. Because it’s written in badly translated Klingon. Don’t they teach you this in Historical Literature Class?

FYI...if you’re a Chicago theatre, there are many Klingons looking for work. Sadly, there isn't a Star Trek show on right now in need of Klingon actors.

If you're looking for warriors in Chicago, there are plenty of Klingons ready for battle. Because Klingons don’t know the meaning of the word “unemployment.”

Seriously. They don’t. The word doesn’t exist to them. They’re warriors. They don’t give up.

I’m off to practice with my bat’leth.

Enjoy Everything. ( or “tlv Hoch” for you Klingons)

-dj

a dot for every occasion

DOTS are the greatest candy ever. How do I know that? I eat them. THAT is how I know. Somebody harnessed the sweet taste of heaven and put it into a small chewy “dot” for humans to enjoy.

A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”

I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.

AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!

I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!

There's, like, a DOT for every holiday!

I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?

Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!

They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!

So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!

Any other gift says, “You're kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”

It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.

I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj