gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

rhymes with food and good and yummy

I tried more new foods! Well, I guess you really can’t call all of it food. But it IS all edible!

It’s Halloween season again! That means candy corn…and…well…I guess that’s really the only specific Halloween candy…is back!

There are a lot of other things that come out with different flavors for Halloween, but you really only get candy corn as a new item. And until recently, I wasn’t a fan of candy corn. (Now that I am a fan, I like to say I’m a “Fandy Corn.”)

I am ALSO a fan of things that TASTE like it! Like candy corn flavored M&M’s! They’re made with white chocolate, which I don’t usually like. But cover that white chocolate with a candy coating? Love it!

A new surprise for me this year is Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn! This is so good! It has the texture of candy corn, but tastes more like a jelly bean. Kind of like a jelly bean without the outer shell.

Whoa…how crazy is that?! Some things taste better WITH an outer shell and some taste better WITHOUT the outer shell! This Halloween is LITERALLY blowing my mind out of its outer shell! I think I’m having a Halloween existential crisis!

But before things get TOO crazy, let’s talk about more fun foods I tried! Cotton Candy grapes! Have you tried these? Through some sort of cross-pollinating fun, they made these grapes taste like Cotton Candy! Because, well, we always want our actual foods to NOT taste like what they are!

They were…ok. I mean, the bag smelled really good! And they were a much sweeter tasting grape than usual. Buuuuuuuuut…they did not make me think I was eating pure cotton candy. Well…pure is a word used loosely. As a sweet grape, they were good.

Also! I tried some MORE real food! Broccolini! I love broccoli, but never tried its “ni” variety. It tasted good, but I think I like broccoli better. Broccolini is more stalk than shrubbery. I LOVE the shrubbery part. I’m not a stalker.

I’m off to cotton my candy and corn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

for crying out loud

For crying out loud, you get a lot of attention! And you also start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which grammar people LOVE.

Grammatical sarcasm aside, I heard somebody say "for crying out loud" the other day and I started repeating it to myself trying to figure out what it could possibly mean. We say it so fast when we actually use it.

"Did you get your candy yet?"

"Halloween is still 7 months away, fercryinoutloud!"

(By the way, buying Halloween candy should be done every day of the year. It's candy. It's good. Eat it every day.)

Or maybe it's for getting prizes!

"For crying out loud, you will get our award for Out Loudness!"

"Since everybody else in class cried internally, you get the Cry Award for crying out loud!"

Everybody cheers! Some internally.

Prepositional exclamatory phrases aside, I really didn't have much else to talk about.

Well, I DID try something new. I love cutting up an apple and eating it with peanut butter. LOVE IT. I ALSO love peanut butter and toast.

Since I enjoy honey and jam and jelly on toast, I decided to try honey and jam and jelly on apple slices! Separately.

They were ok. They didn't taste bad, kinda just...there. Not NEARLY as exciting as peanut butter and apple!

So yeah...nothing special. My life can't always be exciting, for crying out loud!

I'm off to cry internally. Which sounds really, really sad.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

trick or tre...oh...nobody there

Another Halloween and no candy given out. I wasn't sure this year.

See, I've lived in a few different apartments and sometimes they're near a road and sometimes not. Last year, I moved to a new place VERY close to the road, so I thought I might get some trick-or-treaters!

Then a giant snow monster came and destroyed Halloween.

This year, I bought candy...again...and wondered if somebody might come by. We were pretty clear after the hurricane, so I thought there might be a chance.

OH! Speaking of the hurricane! I have some neighbors who live in houses with yards. I don't have a yard, but they do! One of these neighbors did NOT clean the leaves from their yard AT ALL. You couldn't actually see the grass. It was all leaves. It was pretty cool.

Then the hurricane came and blew ALL of his leaves into the yard next door! A yard that WAS clean!

Yesterday, when I got home from worky, previously clean-yard-man was blowing the leaves BACK to the previously leaved yard.

It was awesome and apposite. (Can you tell I learned a new word?)

After the leaf boundary battle, I got ready for Halloween. Ghost candle, spooky music, bowl full of jelly. I was good to go.

Then nobody came.

Now I'm stuck with 370 pieces of candy.

Well...363...I couldn't help myself.

Fine...347. But I have an excuse! I got a bag with Skittles! You can't say no to tasting the rainbow!

I'm off to count backwards from 347.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

unwieldy halloween

I'm no horror movie expert. I mean, I never really got into them. And maybe that's why I don't get "Friday The 13th."

Freddy's knife-fingers? How effective is that?! I mean, really, I can barely slice bread when I'm holding a knife with my whole hand! It has to be nearly impossible trying to do anything with them attached to a glove!

I feel like I would try to slash something and they would just get all bendy. There is a good possibility that he'll break a finger if he gets caught on something!

Who wants that? I mean, does he have good health insurance? Because if he doesn't, he's paying for all those broken finger visits out of pocket!

THAT adds up! Trust me! I once had spoon-fingers as a part-time job and I broke my fingers a few times. And I was only scooping custard!

Trying to cut through people? THAT'S hard! Peoples are thick! And not pre-sliced like bread!

Okay, I know he does it all in dreams. I guess he has a good hospital in dream land. They probably fix him up pretty quickly.

But still, every other horror/slasher person probably has an easier time slashing and horroring.

I suppose I can't knock the guy for trying to be original in an already crowded killer market.

Still, are the broken fingers worth it?

I got a bowl of custard that says no.

It's weird that I have talking custard. But it's not weird that we're friends.

I'm off to find my spoon glove.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

I wash my car at night

So I can't see the spots I missed? What?!

I was driving. At night. Because legally I can do that now (Take that, sunset!). And it was a dark night. You know, not a whole lot of moon out there.

I drove by a house and saw somebody washing their car! The only reason I could see the car-washing was because my headlights were on! This was a dark area and I couldn't see any lights from his house or anything!

Just washing his car! In the dark!

Why would you do that?! Like, what advantage do you have by washing your car at night? Is there some secret I don't know about? Something about getting a cleaner clean or a sparklier sparkle or a buffier buff by doing it under the stars?

Does it even have anything to do with the stars?

I DON'T KNOW! Because I was too afraid to stop and ask! C'mon...you mean to tell me that you would stop and talk to somebody who was washing their car at night? That wouldn't frighten you?

Want to scare kids coming up to your house this halloween? Be that guy washing your car in your driveway. If any Batman or Cinderella is brave enough to walk up that driveway, they have EARNED your candy.

I couldn't do it. I'm not that strong.

Luckily, I'm an adult and I'm allowed to use a legally-acquired credit card to purchase LARGE AMOUNTS OF CANDY from the store WITHOUT having to walk by nighttime car-washers.

Take that wax-man!

I'm off to load up in the seasonal aisle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all that candy cornery

It's almost Halloween! The best holiday ever! Because it's all about candy!!!

Unfortunately, there is this stuff called "candy corn" that I've never actually liked. You would THINK it was awesome. Corn is good. Candy is good. Candy Corn SHOULD be amazing!

It is not.

Well...it didn't USED to be. NOW it is! Because it has inspired other (good) candies to have a corn flavor! And those are good! It's so weird, but it feels so good!

Like Candy Corn DOTS! Now, I know what you're thinking, "All DOTS taste the same, don't they?"

Yes. Yes, they do. And every single color is wonderful. Including candy corn color.

M&Ms also made a Candy Corn candy-coated treat. This has white chocolate inside the coating made of candy. I actually don't like white chocolate too much.

And, if you remember from earlier, I don't really like candy corn.

BUT! When you put a hard shell over white chocolate and claim that it has natural and artificial candy corn flavor? It tastes good!

It's shocking! There are wonders in this world. And most of them are made from sugar.

Thank goodness for that. It would be a shame if the closest thing to a "wonder" we had was made out of turnips. That would ruin my day.

Though...add a candy coating and we might have something. Hmmm...

I'm off to coat my turnip DOTS with a shell.

Enjoy Everything!

-dj

a slice of american pi

I can't believe I missed this yesterday! The U.S. population was pi times 100 million!

314,159,265!!!!!!

Unfortunately, it happened at 2:29 PM yesterday. Which, is kind of a lame time. Okay, so it's not lame. It's not quite 2:30 (the time to see the dentist), but it still has something going for it!

See, 2:29 PM is also 14:29. And 1.429 IS a good number! The density of Oxygen is 1.429 g/L at 0 degrees Celsius, 101.352 kPa!

So technically, the U.S. population was Pi times 100 million at the density of Oxygen (0 degrees Celsius, 101.325kPa)!

Yesterday was a good day for being a circle. And for breathing.

Okay, EVERY day is good for being a circle and breathing! But yesterday was extra good! I think for Halloween, I'll be a breathing circle.

If people ask, "What are you supposed to be?"

I'll answer proudly, "August 14, 2012! Hashtag awesome!"

Oh yeah. That just happened.

I'm off to check my density.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

a dot for every occasion

DOTS are the greatest candy ever. How do I know that? I eat them. THAT is how I know. Somebody harnessed the sweet taste of heaven and put it into a small chewy “dot” for humans to enjoy.

A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”

I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.

AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!

I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!

There's, like, a DOT for every holiday!

I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?

Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!

They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!

So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!

Any other gift says, “You're kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”

It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.

I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj