Nestle has decided to make a machine that will give you all the nutrients you need with the push of a button. It’s being researched now at the NIHS. No, not the National Institute for Highway Safety. That’s just silly. It’s the Nestle Institute of Health Sciences. (Yes. They have an institute.)
I wonder if that was there when they invented Nesquik (previously known as Nestle Quik)?
Scientist 1: “Milk isn’t chocolaty enough.”
Scientist 2: “I agree. And it’s not pink enough. What could we do to make it pinker?”
Scientist 3: “Let’s make a chocolate powder to add to it! And a strawberry powder! And it will be healthier!”
Scientist 1: “That’s not a bad idea! Wait…who are you? You don’t work here! And why do you have a giant ‘N’ on your necklace?”
Scientist 2: (Grabbing his lab coat and hat) “It’s a bunny!
Quik Bunny: “You can’t catch me! I’m Quik!”
Then history was made with tastier milk and safer speeds on the highway.
This new product will, in theory, scan your body and let you know what nutrients you’re missing. Then it will make a powder of some sort, because that’s what Nestle does, that you add to your milk to give you a healthy day!
They call it “Iron Man.” I have no idea why. I mean, it’s slightly more like a Replicator from Star Trek. It doesn’t create a suit of armor to fight evil with, it creates a food to eat.
Well, not food. Powder. Because the Quik Bunny is now in charge of Nestle and EVERY idea has to involve powder.
His new jingle is, “If you can’t add it to milk, and you can’t make it Quik, YOU’RE FIRED because you make me sick!”
He’s pretty ruthless. Seriously, you can't powder ruth, so it's just completely gone.
I’m off to milk my powder.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Showing posts with label star trek. Show all posts
Showing posts with label star trek. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
aliens love visiting us
Have you ever heard of Paul Hellyer? He was the Canadian Minister of National Defense in the 1960s. He says that “at least 4 known alien species have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.”
That’s right! I guess he’s been talking about it for years, but for some reason people aren’t buying it.
How could you NOT?! He was a minister! Of defense! He probably had lunch with aliens all the time!
He said that there’s a whole federation of aliens out there that are generally good folks. But they won’t interfere with species that aren’t in their federation.
Yes, I know, he stole the premise of Star Trek and the Prime Directive. But still! That doesn’t mean it’s not true!
So they just watch us from one of Saturn’s moons to see what we do next. Because that’s where they hang out. I don’t know why.
He also said that aliens have visited and offered to help us take care of the planet. They won’t force us to do anything because, you know, the Prime Directive, but they are worried about how we treat the planet. So they came by years ago and said, “Hey, we see that you’re kinda messing up this nice place. We would love to help out. Saturn’s moons are pretty bland. We would much rather use this planet as a vacation spot. I mean, just look at Aruba!”
That may or may not have been the EXACT transcript. I wasn’t there. But I’m a pretty good maker-upper of totally accurate history.
Oh! And he also says that there are two species of aliens on Earth RIGHT NOW. They have jobs in the United States government!
Lucky. Do you know the benefits you get with a government job?! They probably get to use the government's spaceships for free and just have to log the light years.
Why can’t I be an alien? Are there any government positions open on Saturn’s moons? I’m willing to travel.
I’m off to check the Titan section of craigslist.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
That’s right! I guess he’s been talking about it for years, but for some reason people aren’t buying it.
How could you NOT?! He was a minister! Of defense! He probably had lunch with aliens all the time!
He said that there’s a whole federation of aliens out there that are generally good folks. But they won’t interfere with species that aren’t in their federation.
Yes, I know, he stole the premise of Star Trek and the Prime Directive. But still! That doesn’t mean it’s not true!
So they just watch us from one of Saturn’s moons to see what we do next. Because that’s where they hang out. I don’t know why.
He also said that aliens have visited and offered to help us take care of the planet. They won’t force us to do anything because, you know, the Prime Directive, but they are worried about how we treat the planet. So they came by years ago and said, “Hey, we see that you’re kinda messing up this nice place. We would love to help out. Saturn’s moons are pretty bland. We would much rather use this planet as a vacation spot. I mean, just look at Aruba!”
That may or may not have been the EXACT transcript. I wasn’t there. But I’m a pretty good maker-upper of totally accurate history.
Oh! And he also says that there are two species of aliens on Earth RIGHT NOW. They have jobs in the United States government!
Lucky. Do you know the benefits you get with a government job?! They probably get to use the government's spaceships for free and just have to log the light years.
Why can’t I be an alien? Are there any government positions open on Saturn’s moons? I’m willing to travel.
I’m off to check the Titan section of craigslist.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, August 26, 2013
today is a good day to collect unemployment
WARNING! This post has a lot of bad jokes involving Star Trek and the warrior race of Klingons. You have been warned!
Apparently warrioring (or is it warriorring?) isn’t too lucrative these days. At least, not in Illinois. Because Klingons are having a tough time finding work there.
It’s a little known (totally untrue) fact that Klingons love Chicago. And Chicago's lovely suburbs.
Actually, I’ve never been to Chicago or any of its suburbs, so I can’t really comment on their loveliness, but I’m sure they’re great. I don’t want to lead you astray with hearsay and rumors. I only work with truths and facts. (When it suits my needs.)
This part IS true. The Illinois Department of Unemployment offers information in Spanish, Polish, Russian, Chinese, and Klingon! So, obviously, there must be enough Klingon (or Klingon-speaking) families there to warrant that translation!
Though, you might not find any Klingons actually applying for unemployment. They are a very proud race and don’t like to ask for help. Like, ever.
Though, I hear there is a lot of good theatre in Chicago, so maybe it’s not the lack of a need for warriors, but rather a lack of needed actors. Because, as Gorkon said, “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.”
Oh, you didn’t know? Shakespeare was a Klingon. Why do you think there’s so much fighting?
Also, can you understand anything in Shakespeare? No. Because it’s written in badly translated Klingon. Don’t they teach you this in Historical Literature Class?
FYI...if you’re a Chicago theatre, there are many Klingons looking for work. Sadly, there isn't a Star Trek show on right now in need of Klingon actors.
If you're looking for warriors in Chicago, there are plenty of Klingons ready for battle. Because Klingons don’t know the meaning of the word “unemployment.”
Seriously. They don’t. The word doesn’t exist to them. They’re warriors. They don’t give up.
I’m off to practice with my bat’leth.
Enjoy Everything. ( or “tlv Hoch” for you Klingons)
-dj
Apparently warrioring (or is it warriorring?) isn’t too lucrative these days. At least, not in Illinois. Because Klingons are having a tough time finding work there.
It’s a little known (totally untrue) fact that Klingons love Chicago. And Chicago's lovely suburbs.
Actually, I’ve never been to Chicago or any of its suburbs, so I can’t really comment on their loveliness, but I’m sure they’re great. I don’t want to lead you astray with hearsay and rumors. I only work with truths and facts. (When it suits my needs.)
This part IS true. The Illinois Department of Unemployment offers information in Spanish, Polish, Russian, Chinese, and Klingon! So, obviously, there must be enough Klingon (or Klingon-speaking) families there to warrant that translation!
Though, you might not find any Klingons actually applying for unemployment. They are a very proud race and don’t like to ask for help. Like, ever.
Though, I hear there is a lot of good theatre in Chicago, so maybe it’s not the lack of a need for warriors, but rather a lack of needed actors. Because, as Gorkon said, “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.”
Oh, you didn’t know? Shakespeare was a Klingon. Why do you think there’s so much fighting?
Also, can you understand anything in Shakespeare? No. Because it’s written in badly translated Klingon. Don’t they teach you this in Historical Literature Class?
FYI...if you’re a Chicago theatre, there are many Klingons looking for work. Sadly, there isn't a Star Trek show on right now in need of Klingon actors.
If you're looking for warriors in Chicago, there are plenty of Klingons ready for battle. Because Klingons don’t know the meaning of the word “unemployment.”
Seriously. They don’t. The word doesn’t exist to them. They’re warriors. They don’t give up.
I’m off to practice with my bat’leth.
Enjoy Everything. ( or “tlv Hoch” for you Klingons)
-dj
Thursday, May 30, 2013
food in 3d
NASA is super cool. I love NASA. For 317 reasons. The latest reason is that they have given a grant to a company that wants to make food. IN 3D!
No special glasses required! And this isn’t post-production 3D like the movies! This is actual food in full-on three dimensions!
If I had to choose my dimensionally favorite food, it would have to be the 3 kind. It’s too hard pick up anything 2D. 4D is always tough to hold onto since it’s going through time. And 5D is just a mess until you say its name backwards! Kltpzyxm! (A Superman fan will find that funny! Everyone else is allowed to continue to think I am not funny.)
This NEW 3D food will be made with a printer. Kinda like a replicator in Star Trek! (Second Star Trek reference of the week! Score!) This 3D printer will have proteins, carbohydrates, and sugars instead of ink to make “edible food products!”
Instead of printing out a picture of a pen for your “Pictures of Pens” scrapbook, you can print out a pen made of proteins, carbohydrates, and sugars for you “Eatings of Pens” edible food products...book!
Edible food products are great. So much better than inedible food products.
Of course, I’m a huge fan of edible non-food products. Nothing is more fun than eating not-food!
Except maybe ninja robot penguins. They’re really fun, too.
I’m off to eat my food in the third dimension.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
No special glasses required! And this isn’t post-production 3D like the movies! This is actual food in full-on three dimensions!
If I had to choose my dimensionally favorite food, it would have to be the 3 kind. It’s too hard pick up anything 2D. 4D is always tough to hold onto since it’s going through time. And 5D is just a mess until you say its name backwards! Kltpzyxm! (A Superman fan will find that funny! Everyone else is allowed to continue to think I am not funny.)
This NEW 3D food will be made with a printer. Kinda like a replicator in Star Trek! (Second Star Trek reference of the week! Score!) This 3D printer will have proteins, carbohydrates, and sugars instead of ink to make “edible food products!”
Instead of printing out a picture of a pen for your “Pictures of Pens” scrapbook, you can print out a pen made of proteins, carbohydrates, and sugars for you “Eatings of Pens” edible food products...book!
Edible food products are great. So much better than inedible food products.
Of course, I’m a huge fan of edible non-food products. Nothing is more fun than eating not-food!
Except maybe ninja robot penguins. They’re really fun, too.
I’m off to eat my food in the third dimension.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
the computer in your hand
I saw some video a few weeks ago that has stuck in my mind. It was Newton Leroy Gingrich. You might call him Newt. Because you’re his buddy. And when you buddy with somebody, you shorten their name.
At least, that’s what I see people do on television. I don’t know what it’s like to have a buddy.
Newty Newt put out a video about his phone. His “smartphone.” He doesn’t like the name. He says that it is no more phone than it is a computer. Basically, it’s a computer that also makes phone calls. All from the palm of your hand!
And he’s absolutely right! Yeah, these things basically started out as phones, but are you really making phone calls on it?! NO! You’re playing games and looking at Facebook and taking pictures for Instagram!
It is, in fact, a device that communicates with other devices. Hence, the first name I will propose to Newton. A “Communicator.”
Just like they used in Star Trek! I think it would be a fitting homage to a show about the future that we are finally catching up to. So, if you ever ask me to text you, I will use my communicator to do it.
If you don’t like that name, I have one more to propose. “Dragon.”
You: “Could you check on the weather?”
Me: “Sure, let me just get my dragon and find out.”
You: “And then call Newton about the movies?”
Me: “Absolutely. I’ll call him with my dragon.”
You: “Also, could you attack an evil castle holding a demon wizard casting a spell of lameness over the world?”
Me: “Yep! My dragon will take care of that! With a very awesome app!”
See?! Wouldn't you look cool if you had a dragon, too?!
Or you could keep calling it a smartphone. Yawn.
I’m off to watch youtube with my dragon.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
At least, that’s what I see people do on television. I don’t know what it’s like to have a buddy.
Newty Newt put out a video about his phone. His “smartphone.” He doesn’t like the name. He says that it is no more phone than it is a computer. Basically, it’s a computer that also makes phone calls. All from the palm of your hand!
And he’s absolutely right! Yeah, these things basically started out as phones, but are you really making phone calls on it?! NO! You’re playing games and looking at Facebook and taking pictures for Instagram!
It is, in fact, a device that communicates with other devices. Hence, the first name I will propose to Newton. A “Communicator.”
Just like they used in Star Trek! I think it would be a fitting homage to a show about the future that we are finally catching up to. So, if you ever ask me to text you, I will use my communicator to do it.
If you don’t like that name, I have one more to propose. “Dragon.”
You: “Could you check on the weather?”
Me: “Sure, let me just get my dragon and find out.”
You: “And then call Newton about the movies?”
Me: “Absolutely. I’ll call him with my dragon.”
You: “Also, could you attack an evil castle holding a demon wizard casting a spell of lameness over the world?”
Me: “Yep! My dragon will take care of that! With a very awesome app!”
See?! Wouldn't you look cool if you had a dragon, too?!
Or you could keep calling it a smartphone. Yawn.
I’m off to watch youtube with my dragon.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, April 19, 2013
poll me maybe
There's a company that polls Americans. About anything and everything. They call themselves Public Policy Polling. They are awesome because they ask the most RIDICULOUS questions.
They asked about aliens and conspiracies and stuff and it's amazing how many people believe in some things. I guess 47 million people believe the government is controlling our minds through TV.
Which, if they are, they're not getting a lot done. Unless they want people to not agree on politics most of the time, then they're doing a GREAT job.
They ALSO asked if the world is run by lizard people. 12 million people think this is true! Totally, absolutely true!
Whaaaaat is going on in the world?! Did I completely miss something? Like...the actual existence of lizard people? And not just their existence, but the fact that they have jobs as government officials? With great benefits, possibly including heated rocks?
I'm pretty sure I've seen lizard people on Doctor Who and on Star Trek. Neither group decided to rule the human race. They were not terribly impressed.
I wish there were lizard people. I mean, humans are great and all, but we're all pretty much the same. Biologically speaking. It would be nice to have a little more variety.
Maybe find an alien with two hearts. Or a lizard person with lizardy skin. Or Yoda.
Sometimes I like to believe that Star Trek is a documentary that was shot in the future and sent back in time as an awesome science fiction show. If they polled me on that, I would have totally said that Star Trek was 100% real.
And THAT is why lizard people sigh and hang their heads when they look at the human race.
I'm off to watch TV. Because the voices tell me to.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
where no dog has barked before
I like Star Trek: The Next Generation. It is one of my mostest favoritest shows ever! It was so good. STILL so good.
Last night, movie theaters around the country showed two episodes from season one to celebrate the release of ST:TNG on Blu-ray.
It was awesome.
What was even more AWESOMER was the dog at the show! YES! There was a canine there!
It was in a rolling pet carrier thingy. I always knew that all species loved Star Trek. I just didn't know all species were allowed in the movies!
Can you bring a dog into a movie theater? Well...I now know that you can. Cuz it happened. I don't think they tried to sneak it in. It was pretty clearly a dog. In a carrier. Not, like, a lump in a suitcase that was barking.
They brought the dog in and it just watched the movies and didn't make a sound! It was so interested in the Enterprise going to the edge of the universe and Data finding his evil brother!
Does it cost extra to bring a dog in? It didn't actually take up any seats. It was sitting on its owner's lap. Maybe a child's ticket?
I should have asked, but I don't know much dog, so I probably wouldn't have understood the answer. All I remember from my dog classes is how to ask for cheese and where the bathroom is.
Grwoof wruf ruff whimper?
Huh...I guess they don't have cheese at the movie candy counter.
I'm off to the Enterprise.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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