all you need is lava

There is a small town on Hawaii’s Big Island that is near an active volcano. It’s been erupting since 1983. And people still live there.

I’m not sure how to react to this. Luckily there aren’t too many people there. They don’t actually KNOW how many people. They’re trying to find out. They said about “20-30 households” have been notified.

"And why do people live there," you and I ask?! Affordable land!

I know very little about land ownership. The closest I came to owning land was a small chunk of Maine that I almost kinda owned. I would have been able to build a small shack.

But still! That would NOT have been near a CONTINUOUSLY ACTIVE VOLCANO. It’s Maine! I mean, I can’t totally rule out the possibility of a freak volcano suddenly popping up from the depths of the Earth to say, “Hello, Maine! I would like to settle down on this small parcel of land and share my lava with you!”

It’s unlikely, but possible. What’s totally possible is this volcano doing something very explodey! Lava has been slowly coming closer to the town since last week. It’s about a mile away from a house. That house has been warned. They don’t have to evacuate yet. Just a “hey…what’s up…there’s lava over there.”

Maybe I’m not made for island living. If lava was ever about a mile away from me, I would go Very Far Away. I mean, a mile isn’t that far. I can run a mile. And I can barely run. If lava was chasing me, then a mile would NOT save me.

I wish lava was like pie filling. Like, just that sweet goo that is in a cherry pie. Then I would live near every volcano. I would sit outside waiting for the lava to hit my house. My house would be made out of pie crust.

Wait! Maybe it is pie filling! Maybe that’s why people live there! They know something I don’t!

I might have to go taste some lava. Just to be sure.

I’m off to Hawaii.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There's no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What's the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they're stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer's Note: I'm actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn't I listen to my own advice?

Editor's Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, "Let me taste that!"

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there's not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I'm off to tap a tree. I hope it's a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj