pecan do it

That headline is funny if you pronounce “pecan” as “pee-can.” If you say “pih-kahn” or “pee-kahn,” then I’m not very clever. Let’s pretend I am very clever.

I just saw a shocking story. SHOCKING! The price of pecans is going up! Demand, bad weather, and pecan-stealing fairies have created the perfect economic storm!

I love pecan pie. It’s so good! If you’ve never had it, go buy one. Now. Get a real one, though. Like, REAL. It should taste like sugar and maple and pecan having a party in your mouth.

I was surprised how much I love pecan pie. Well, not TOO surprised. It is mostly sugar and if you put enough sugar on anything, it’s a good pie. Like sugar pie. You wouldn’t think that sugar alone would make a good pie, but put even MORE sugar on sugar, and you have a GREAT pie!

Why did the pecan get a pie? I love almonds and cashews. But they don’t have any pies, do they?

Oh! OH! OHHHHH! Wait! They do! After a quick search on the internet, I found a chocolate cashew and triple-almond pie WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!

Other nut-themed pies do NOT get the attention that pecan pie gets, but it sounds like they should! These sound fantastic!

I think I’m going to have a nut-themed pie party. Everybody will pick a nut. Then make a pie based on that nut. Then I will make t-shirts for everybody that says “I’m nuts about pies!” Or maybe "I'm pies about nuts!" Or both.

I’m going to have this celebration on Thanksgiving. Because that’s my favorite pie-based holiday. I know some people have turkey and stuff. I don’t know why. My family definitely celebrates it with pie. Lots and lots of pie.

Hopefully you don’t have a nut allergy. If you do…I’m so, so, so sorry. I will hold a moment of silence for you during my party. A moment to remember all the people who can’t have nuts without going on anaphylactic shock.

OR! I could serve EpiPens for dessert! So please come to the party anyway!

On a side note, ice cream pie also exists. Just thought you should know.

I’m off to nut some pies.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There's no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What's the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they're stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer's Note: I'm actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn't I listen to my own advice?

Editor's Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, "Let me taste that!"

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there's not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I'm off to tap a tree. I hope it's a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

lots of stuff...IN SPACE

India shot a bunch of Canadian stuff into space today! I don't know why today. (Or why it's in India.) Maybe everything just happened to be ready to go to space at the same time and they thought they would kill seven escape velocities with a single rocket. In India.

First, let me tell you about the "Canadian Suitcase." That's the unofficial name for it. I use that name because the official name is LAME. The Canadian Space Agency's Near-Earth Object Surveillance Satellite. Or NEOSSat. Seriously. That's what they call it for short.

Granted, I'm not Canadian. NEOSSat might actually be a common word in Canada. Like Maple or Bacon. Maybe it's an ancient Canadian word meaning "maple bacon...in space!"

NEOSSat (or maple bacon in space) is going to look for asteroids and space junk. So we know what kind of stuff could fall on us.

For some reason, they did not put lasers on it to shoot space junk or asteroids.

ALSO going into space are the Bright Target Explorer (or betterly code-named BRITE) satellites. They are 2 super tiny space telescopes that will look at stars.

Also, no lasers. Which is weird because if stars or asteroids or junk star falling onto Earth, wouldn't we want to stop them?

NEOSSat: "Hey Earth! There's this giant asteroid coming right at you!"

BRITES: "Also, Earth, there are a bunch of stars falling on you, too!"

EARTH: "As unlikely as all that seems, why don't you laser them or something!"

NEOSSat: "Um...we were built without lasers."

BRITES: "Yeah... ... ...awkward..."

EARTH: "Who built you?!"

NEOSSat/BRITES: "Canada."

EARTH: "Curse you Canada! Stop maple-ing bacon and start lasering!!!"

And that is why we can't have nice things.

I'm off to maple my bacon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's no maple leaf

Canada is in a fiscal crisis! You could say (and this will be funny later when you know the story) that they are on a fiscal limb! (It's a tree joke...wait for it...)

Canada has brand new $20 bills. As always, they look like colorful  candy. (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, everything in Canada is sugary and edible.) But, there is a BIG botanical brouhaha over the dollar design. More specifically, the maple leaf. (See? The tree joke is making sense now!)

The leaf on the new bill has FIVE lobes! Five you say? Five I say!

You know from your years of botanical studies that the 5-lobed maple leaf is from the invasive Norway maple tree. NOT the beautiful 3-lobed sugar maple that proudly sits on the Canadian flag.

Now the banks and botanists are fighting. It WILL go down in history as the Bank/Botanical Battle Boogaloo.

The bank said it's a mish-mash of ALL maple trees. Because they accept all maple currency in Canada. Botanists aren't buying it...and are afraid it won't buy them anything.

You: "Here's your payment for all these plants and tree-things I'm buying at this wonderful botany store."

Botanist Cashier: "What's this? This isn't money! And trust me, I know from silly looking money, eh! I'm full-on Canadian and KNOW what a sugar maple leaf looks like and this, my friend, is Norwegian money!"

You: "I swear this is real money! Even though it looks totally fake like all Canadian money even though it's really real, eh!"

Botanist Cashier: "Get out of my store you Norwegian counterfeiter! Mounties! I need some Mounties! Royal Canadian Mounties! This person is Norwegian!"

That was the last time I did anything botanical. It was also the last time I rode a horse. But that's more hippological and less botanical.

I'm off to maple a tree.

Enjoy Everything, Eh.

-dj

oceans of syrup 11

So earlier this year, Canada had some maple syrup missing. 3,000 tons of it. Luckily, the thieves have been caught! YES! 18 people were captured taking maple syrup out of the "Official Strategic Reserve of Maple Syrup" in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.

It's Canadian. What do you expect for a name?

How much syrup is that, you ask? Good enough for 180 million pancakes. Or, if you're like me, good for 10 pancakes. I like a LOT of maple syrup.

Now, in these United States of America, we have a Strategic Oil Reserve. Which kinda makes sense. You may not be a fan of the petrol, but we need it. A lot. It kinda runs EVERYTHING.

Would the world actually stop if maple syrup was gone? I mean...do you really need a STRATEGIC reserve of it?

Oh...did I mention they have 46 MILLION POUNDS OF IT ON RESERVE! STRATEGICALLY!

Now if we could only power cars on maple syrup! That would be something special! I would just go to the pump and chug it!

I don't do that now. Because gas does NOT taste good. And it might kill me. Which is bad. So don't do that.

Now we know why nobody attacks Canada. They have all the maple syrup. NOBODY wants to mess that up!

"Hello? Canada? We're going to attack you with big weapons and stuff."

"Oh, hi. Yeah, we have all your maple syrup, you know, eh. If you ever want to eat a pancake again, you might want to rethink this decision. Eh?"

"Oh...um...does the United States have anything cool?"

"Nope."

"Ok. We'll call them. Thanks for the syrup!"

That conversation happens every day. It might be time to move to Canada.

I'm off to maple my syrup.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj