all you need is lava

There is a small town on Hawaii’s Big Island that is near an active volcano. It’s been erupting since 1983. And people still live there.

I’m not sure how to react to this. Luckily there aren’t too many people there. They don’t actually KNOW how many people. They’re trying to find out. They said about “20-30 households” have been notified.

"And why do people live there," you and I ask?! Affordable land!

I know very little about land ownership. The closest I came to owning land was a small chunk of Maine that I almost kinda owned. I would have been able to build a small shack.

But still! That would NOT have been near a CONTINUOUSLY ACTIVE VOLCANO. It’s Maine! I mean, I can’t totally rule out the possibility of a freak volcano suddenly popping up from the depths of the Earth to say, “Hello, Maine! I would like to settle down on this small parcel of land and share my lava with you!”

It’s unlikely, but possible. What’s totally possible is this volcano doing something very explodey! Lava has been slowly coming closer to the town since last week. It’s about a mile away from a house. That house has been warned. They don’t have to evacuate yet. Just a “hey…what’s up…there’s lava over there.”

Maybe I’m not made for island living. If lava was ever about a mile away from me, I would go Very Far Away. I mean, a mile isn’t that far. I can run a mile. And I can barely run. If lava was chasing me, then a mile would NOT save me.

I wish lava was like pie filling. Like, just that sweet goo that is in a cherry pie. Then I would live near every volcano. I would sit outside waiting for the lava to hit my house. My house would be made out of pie crust.

Wait! Maybe it is pie filling! Maybe that’s why people live there! They know something I don’t!

I might have to go taste some lava. Just to be sure.

I’m off to Hawaii.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pie from the sky

I don’t claim to understand what’s happening between North and South Korea. I know they don’t talk much. Well, maybe they talk a lot, but not all the words are very nice.

The North runs a pretty tight ship. The South is a little more free-wheelin. (A term I probably won’t ever use again. That’s not true, I love it.)

Clearly, I know almost nothing about Korea. So don’t use me as a resource when writing your Social Studies paper.

I DO know that the South loves to make Choco Pies! They’re basically a Moon Pie. Two slices of cake with marshmallow in the middle and then covered with chocolate. If you never had one, it’s delicious!

They used to deliver these to the North all the time because, as stated earlier, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. But the North has decided that Choco Pies are now banned as a symbol of capitalism. I have no idea why. Are CEOs paid with pastries?! How did I not know this?! I need to become a CEO!

The South decided that they could not live with that! They put 10,000 Choco Pies into balloons to fly over to the North and give the people Choco Pies!

Why can’t every conflict be fought this way?! It would be so much better!

General: “The bear claws are closing in on the border. What can we do?”

Major: “I don’t know, sir. They’ve put IEDs everywhere!”

General: “Hmmm…improvised eclair desserts. Not bad. They’re sloppy, but effective. We should start with a flan attack. If that doesn’t work, get the tarts ready. And if all else fails…we macaroon at noon.

Major: “Sir…you can’t be serious. What if they have jelly beans? What if they have pecans?! Pie, sir! What about their pie?!”

General: “Major! You will do as I say! We are at war…we live with the decisions we make. And regret the decisions we make. Every. Single. Day.

It’s a tough life dealing with confectionery conflicts and buttery battles.

I’m off to alliterate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cake and vegetables

Happy National Carrot Cake Day! I am eating carrot cake right now. It is so good. Do you like carrot cake? Are you sure about that?

I was convinced that I did NOT like it. If you ever asked me to have a slice of carrot cake, I would have yelled, “Cake from a carrot?! Are you kidding?! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

And out loud, I would have said, “No thanks. I don’t like carrot cake.”

Well guess what! Both the loud voice inside my head and the voice that actually makes noises from my mouth would have been incorrect!

If you know me, you might have noticed that I’ve become a fan of pumpkin-related items lately. Like pie, muffins, cookies, and seeds. I distinctly remember not liking pumpkin pie as a kid. I can’t remember if I actually tried it, but I’m pretty sure I did. I’m also pretty sure I did not enjoy it.

Well, one day, my friend gave me a pumpkin cookie and I LOVED IT! So, I decided to retry some foods.

Because, as Shakespeare said, “doth not the appetite alter?” Apparently it doth! It dothed all over the place!

Feeling love for the pumpkins, I decided to try carrot cake again. Thank the good bard I did! It’s fantastic!

I mean, I love carrots. I literally eat them every day. And that’s not a “literally” that really means “figuratively.” It’s a very literal literally. Literally.

So why aren’t there other vegetable cakes? I love broccoli and peppers. Where are they?

OH! Just looked online and found that there is a beetroot cake AND a parsnip cake!

Parsnip is a fun word. Give me a minute. I’m going to say it a bunch of times.

…

Ok, back. And ready to get my cakes from vegetables! You should too! If you haven’t tried a food for a while, give it a shot. When I said I would die before eating carrot cake, I did not think I should live till I were caked with carrots!

I’m off to butcher more Shakespeare.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

dunk your cookies

Do you eat cookies in milk?! COLD MILK?! What are you doing! How could you do that to that poor cookie?!

PUT THE COOKIE DOWN. I'm here to make your cookie experience better.

Well, not me, but Heston Blumenthal. He found that many people said cookies dipped in a hot beverage tasted better and he wanted to figure out why. So, he stuck this MS-Nose tube UP his nose to test it out. Really. That's what he did.

It measures the flavors going to your mouth from the aroma of what you are eating. He tried it with cookies and found out that when you dunk the cookie in a warm beverage, the methylbutanol levels went through the roof!

I guess methylbutanol is what makes cookies taste so cookie-y.

I don't know why, but I always trust a guy with a tube in his nose!

So next time you’re eating cookies, take a moment and heat up your beverage. Milk is good. He's British, so he uses tea. I have never done that, but might be worth a try! Hot chocolate is good too. I like cookies dipped in coffee! THAT is the best!

If you are not doing that, you are only hurting yourself and the cookie will not respect you. Ever.

Cookie Monster might drive by your house and give you nasty looks. (He really won't, he's too nice.)

I'll also dunk muffins and pie in my coffee. Just in case you were curious. Wanna know what happens to my methylbutanol levels when I do that? Look at the size of the universe. Then look bigger. THAT is what happens.

I'm off to dip my cookies and roll down your street with Cookie Monster. Don't make us give you the stink-eye.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

national pie day

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned how much I love pie. That's a lie. I am sure I've mentioned it a lot. But I'm PRETTY sure I haven't mentioned National Pie Day! TODAY!

It is officially sanctioned by the (totally real) American Pie Council. There are celebrations going on all over the United States! There are places where you can get free pie! Get pie stickers! Even get your picture taken with a pie!

No time to get to those? The Great American Pie Festival is coming later this year! The American Pie Council does NOT mess around. They know that pie needs to be celebrated nationally and festivally.

Their website has pie recipes, ways to celebrate National Pie Day, AND pie merch!

I have decided to throw all my clothes away and buy ALL pie attire. I shall call it Haute (Apple Pie) Couture.

Even though I don't like apple pie. Well, I have yet to have an apple pie that I liked. There are officially 231 different varieties of apple pie logged in the council's archives. I will not rule out the chance that I will like 147 of them.

So please, have a pie party today. A pie-rty! Get all your pie-pals together and make pie! Then eat pie! Then make MORE pie! Then EAT more pie! Then recite the Pie Oath!

In pie-est day and crusty night,
No filling shall escape my sight,
Apple, pecan, and strawberry I bite,
Let's eat some pie, Green Lantern's light!

Okay...so I stole the oath from Green Lantern...and couldn't figure out a good way to end it. But still, Green Lantern loves pie, so I'm pretty sure it works. Instead of a power ring, I have a power pie.

I'm off to eat pie. Simple as that.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all aboard the chocolate train

Well, it's Thanksgiving Eve! The night we put out gourds for Gobble Claus to snack on while he delivers giblets and pies to all the good children.

AND, it looks like Gobble got my Thanksgiving letter this year! I asked for a train made of chocolate and it's here!

I don't know why he delivered it to Brussels. I guess it ran out of chocolate steam. Had to stop there. I'm sure it will be delivered to my house soon. To pick me up. So I can go on a trip around the world.

Then, after that, I can eat it. It's 2,755 pounds. 112 feet long. And ONLY has 6.5 MILLION calories!

That is the kind of train I can get aboard! I think I will travel on it all day on Thanksgiving and toss out pies to everybody I see.

I'll be like a pie fairy.

Then I'll eat it. I don't want to eat it until after I ride it. I suppose I could snack a little while locomoting, but not the wheels. I'll just have pieces of roof in the warmer climates. Because I'm going around the world. In a chocolate train.

OH! I just thought of something! Instead of "locomotion," I'll be traveling in "chocomotion!" That's the best word ever!

My life is amazing!

I'm off to chocomote.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

really big mega time!

Frisbee is trademarked. Wham-O owns the name. I wanted to make sure you knew that. I also wanted to make sure they knew that I gave them total credit for it. 

Before the kids in CT started calling it a Frisbee (trademarked), it was called a Pluto Platter!

But the Pluto Platter and Frisbee (trademarked) are just some of the many names that describe a FLYING DISC!

That's what it is! I love tossing the ol' flying disc around. I always have one in my car. Just in case. I go with a classic 140-gram disc. Good for all occasion discing. Don't want to go heavyweight if you're with a novice, you know?

Maybe you're not a novice. Maybe you're a little more wild. Maybe...perhaps...you're a little more mega. We can't all be mega, but some of us are born that way.

Me and Lady Mega included.

That is why I'm happy to see the REALLY BIG MEGA FLYING DISC! YES! The average flying disc is 20-25 cm in diameter. The REALLY BIG MEGA FLYING DISC is a whopping 58.42 cm!

That's not just really. That's not just big. That's not even just MEGA! THAT'S REALLY BIG MEGA!

What do you do with something REALLY BIG MEGA?

TOSS IT!

At least that's what it says on the display at the supermarket. I'm surprised the supermarket could contain such a disc. It's only super.

Now a REALLY BIG MEGA MARKET? THAT is the kind of place I would expect such radical items. But since the market is called Big Y, they are allowed to carry BIG items. Really and mega, too.

I've said it for years, I don't need to invent anything, I just need to make something bigger and give it a bigger name.

Expect a SUPER HUGE MEGALICOUS FLYING AMAZO DISC in stores next year. A minimum of 79.34 cm.

Take that Pluto Platter. You're not a planet any more. You're just a pie pan.

I'm off to toss it.

-dj

more wheels for more fun

When the weather gets warmer, you see a lot of people out on their motorcycles. They're like a bicycle with a motor. 

Two wheels. One in the front. One in the back.

But lately, I've seen a lot more motor-tricycles on the road. And they are awesome! Who didn't love riding a tricycle when they were a kid?! They're so much fun!

Imagine that fun with a motor! IT'S A MOTORTRIKE!

Not only that, but imagine the stability that comes from having two wheels in the back! I mean, my car has two wheels in the back and I never flip over!

I remember making vroom vroom noises on my trike. Now I don't have to! The motortrike takes care of that for me!

And they are actually called motortrikes! Which makes them even COOLER!

I just wanted to make sure you knew about these things. You should also buy one. Or two. So you can give one to me. I miss my tricycle and I don't think I can fit on the little ones these days.

But a big motortrike? I can ride that like the three-wheeled wind! VROOOOOOOOM!

And it's easier to transport pie in them. Because there's more room in the back. And I like transporting pie.

Still doesn't help me sneak pie into the movie theater. That's a tough one.

I'm off to vroom my pie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

always make it bigger

If I've said it once, I've said it 3.141592653589793... times! If candy is good, BIGGER candy is better!

It's simple math. If Domingo has a Twix bar and Sunshine has a BIGGER Twix bar, how much more awesomer is Sunshine?

Answer: WAY MORE AWESOMER!

I bring this up because Williams-Sonoma has something amazing. I don't know who Williams-Sonoma is, but he or she must be some kind of Willy-Wonka-style wizard or witch who can make candy bigger.

There is a giant peanut butter cup on their website! It's, like, the size of a big pie! (get it? pie/pi? from earlier?) How cool is that?! It's two layers of chocolate cake with peanut butter in the middle of them. THEN it is covered with a chocolate shell!

Not hard like a turtle shell. Hard enough to hold in cake, but soft enough to eat.

And you can buy it!

The website SAYS that it serves 10. But I'm pretty sure that means 1. Or maybe, on a good day, 3.14 people.

I would love to have a giant DOT. Like, big enough for me to eat into and live inside. That would be cool.

I bet ants feel like that. Not bear ants, but regular ants.

I wish I could be an ant. Not a bear ant, a regular ant.

I'm off to make it bigger.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj