drone flocks

A town in Colorado is selling hunting licenses for drones. Because I guess there are a lot of drones in Colorado?

I’m actually not sure about drone migrations. I’m not really an expert. I’m guessing that if you can catch a wild drone, you might be able to put an electronic tag on it so we can follow it around.

Or, since it’s already electronic, do we need to put an unelectronic tag on it? I’ll have to look into that.

I DO know for a fact that drones tend to go to the Middle East in winter. I think it has something to do with the warmer climate, but we don’t really know. It’s a mystery...like the migration of monarch butterflies and retirees.

But in Colorado, due to the lack of natural drone predators, there are far too many drones in the air. It’s causing all sorts of electronic interference and a slight buzzing sound for people with hearing aids.

So, they need to control the population by making it legal to hunt them during the warmer months. And any month Colorado is at war with the United States. More likely the warmer months.

Drones don’t provide much for meat, but their insides are good for fixing boom boxes and vacuum cleaners.

Mounting them on your wall is one way to impress your friends. And yes, size does matter. The smaller the drone, the more impressed people are. Because they know it took REAL skill to hit something that small.

I mean, seriously, hitting something large that isn’t moving is pretty easy. But those tiny drones are quick! You hit that, and you’re the sharpest shooter in the woodland!

If you have a drone problem in your state, you should write to your FAA representative about drone hunting.

But be very careful, evolution has given some drones very good protection. Like missiles. But like bees, once the missiles have been used, they don’t grow a new one.

Still, getting shot with a missile stings slightly worse than a bee.

I’m off to mount a drone.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There's no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What's the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they're stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer's Note: I'm actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn't I listen to my own advice?

Editor's Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, "Let me taste that!"

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there's not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I'm off to tap a tree. I hope it's a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the colors of honey

I love honey. And I never thought it could get better, but France has figured out a trick to make a honey rainbow! Honey Rainbow would be a great name for a 60's folk musical act.

Actually...Honey Rainbow would be a great name for anything. You should name your next child Honey Rainbow. You'll thank me later.

In le France, bees love nectar. And by nectar, I mean M&M sugar! They've been eating colored sugar from the candy factor and using it to make their honey!

The honey is coming out green and blue! This is the greatest thing to hit honey since the pot!

For some reason, the honey-dealers aren't selling it. They say that it tastes like honey. It just has a different color.

Sooo...what's the problem? I don't know if they're just being stubborn, but they should sell it. Honestly, tell me, you'd buy all of it if you could, right?! It's green honey!

How is that NOT the coolest thing ever?!

What is wrong with French beekeepers?!

I'm going to go to Franceland and DEMAND that they sell it to me. If they say no, I will call upon my bee army to attack them.

Those bees worked HARD for that blue honey! They thought, "Wouldn't it be so nice of us to give our beekeeping friends something new to sell? To make them MORE MONEY than they've ever seen in their life?"

And those ungrateful beekeepers won't even sell it. That is an INSULT to the bees.

Bees don't like to be treated that way. They would protest with the music stylings of Honey Rainbow, but the time for peace has past.

I wants my green honey. And the bees want to attack.

I'm off to lead the bee-ttalion. (tee hee)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the love apple

Did you go to the 28th annual tomato contest in Boston? WELL! Every year Mary Kassler and Bob Heiss test tomatoes on taste, firmness, color, and shape. I don't know why shape matters. Or color. Or firmness. Doesn't it just have to taste good?

And it's a tomato! They don't even taste good! Full disclosure, I don't actually like tomatoes. I like them only in ketchup flavor.

They even call the tomato the "love apple."

As much as I ADORE the term "love apple," I cannot give that name to the tomato. I actually can't think of anything except the apple that deserves to be called "love apple." Maybe a pineapple? Or banana? Strawberry, probably. Definitely NOT tomato.

I would never eat a tomato like an apple...unless, perhaps, I could not clearly see the produce display and only had blurry colors from which to pick. Then I might, accidentally, pick up a tomato and take a bite out of it. But the shape, color, and firmness would have to trick me. (Now I see why that's judged!)

But of course, that would only happen if my glasses fell into the river.

Which they did.

I was swatting at a bee near my head and BOOP! glasses flew off and into the river!

So if you are showering and some glasses fall out of the nozzle (that's a fun world), those are mine. Thanks.

If you do not return them, I will blame you for all mishaps involving love apples.

And by love apples, I mean gross tomatoes.

I'm off to squint at the produce.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bees knees run away

There's a bee problem. They are leaving. There are a lot of theories as to why this is happening. The latest one says pesticides are the problem.

But, are bees really dying? Or are they leaving on purpose?

Here's what we should REALLY be afraid of: The bees know something we humans (and any other species that might read my words) don't know.

What aren't the bees telling us?! Why are they keeping secrets?!

Can they sense an attack from some evil underground dragon? Or maybe they can hear the signals from aliens who are ready to attack us? TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON, BEES!

True story (probably not): When I was 14, I nursed an injured bee back to health. It broke its wing and I put a tiny cast on it and fed it honey and pollen until it could fly again. We shared lots of heart warming moments while acoustic guitars and pianos played in the background. It was very emotional.

So bees, if you are reading this, save me. And a few other people I like. And everybody who makes comic books. So I can still read them.

And stinging me (actually did happen) is NOT a good way to pay me back. Seriously. I cried when that happened.

So, you owe me. Like, twice.

I'm off to nurse a bee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

first sharks now this?!

Oh no. This is bad. I know zombies are totally hip right now, but this is just scary.

Zombie Bees.

Affectionately called "zombees" by apiarists.

Unaffectionately called "ZOMBIE BEES ARE TRYING TO KILL ME" by everybody else.

It's like "The Walking Dead" if it became "The Fly-And-Sting-You-And-Lure-You-Into-A-False-Sense-Of-Security-With-Their-Sweet-Nectar Dead."

I love honey. I eat it every day. I also use it as a face wash. Should I worry about becoming a zombie?

Will I become a BEE?! WILL I BECOME A MUTANT HUMAN/BEE/ZOMBIE HYBRID LIKE THE HYBRID SHARKS?!?!

These are all questions that one must ask oneself when that self enjoys honey made by not yourself!

These are also questions that one must ask oneself when oneself doesn't know what that self should write about when blogging about that self's love of honey.

OH! You know what else is good? Honey peanut butter.

Oh no...my peanut butter could make me a zombie too!

Eh...it's worth it. Honey peanut butter is really good. Good enough to go zombie for.

I'm off to zombee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj