hello kitty

So there was a lot of news recently about Hello Kitty. It’s coming up on the 40th anniversary of Hello Kitty and during some research, one reporter found out that Kitty is NOT a cat!

This shocked every human on the planet.

Kitty White is the character that you see with Hello Kitty. They don’t really say what species she is. Just that she is a “happy little girl.” She only resembles a cat. She actually has a cat, so she can’t be a cat. That would be weird.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have always thought Hello Kitty products were cute. I mean look at that bow! It’s adorable! How can you not love it?!

On their website you can find all sorts of wonderful information about Kitty and her friends and family. Did you know she enjoys collecting stars, making pancakes, and eating cookies?

Did you know that I enjoy the same things! Also! Bonus Fact! We are both Scorpios!

I bet we would be best friends if I wasn’t human or cat and just a gender. Which is still possibly true. I don’t really know.

She also has a twin sister. That has to be hard on Mimmy. I mean, her sister is an international sensation. I’m sure Mimmy is happy for her, but still, LOTS of pressure.

Also, she has a seal living in her backyard. Mori the seal just sunbathes there. I don't know if that's legal. Mori IS a seal, too. She doesn’t just look like one.

See, some of her friends ARE animals. Others are just assigned a gender. I can understand why people would be confused.

I hope your life isn’t too shaken by the “not-a-cat” news. I’m sorry if I shocked you. But you deserved to know.

I’m off to make pancakes and collect stars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There's no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What's the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they're stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer's Note: I'm actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn't I listen to my own advice?

Editor's Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, "Let me taste that!"

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there's not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I'm off to tap a tree. I hope it's a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

oceans of syrup 11

So earlier this year, Canada had some maple syrup missing. 3,000 tons of it. Luckily, the thieves have been caught! YES! 18 people were captured taking maple syrup out of the "Official Strategic Reserve of Maple Syrup" in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.

It's Canadian. What do you expect for a name?

How much syrup is that, you ask? Good enough for 180 million pancakes. Or, if you're like me, good for 10 pancakes. I like a LOT of maple syrup.

Now, in these United States of America, we have a Strategic Oil Reserve. Which kinda makes sense. You may not be a fan of the petrol, but we need it. A lot. It kinda runs EVERYTHING.

Would the world actually stop if maple syrup was gone? I mean...do you really need a STRATEGIC reserve of it?

Oh...did I mention they have 46 MILLION POUNDS OF IT ON RESERVE! STRATEGICALLY!

Now if we could only power cars on maple syrup! That would be something special! I would just go to the pump and chug it!

I don't do that now. Because gas does NOT taste good. And it might kill me. Which is bad. So don't do that.

Now we know why nobody attacks Canada. They have all the maple syrup. NOBODY wants to mess that up!

"Hello? Canada? We're going to attack you with big weapons and stuff."

"Oh, hi. Yeah, we have all your maple syrup, you know, eh. If you ever want to eat a pancake again, you might want to rethink this decision. Eh?"

"Oh...um...does the United States have anything cool?"

"Nope."

"Ok. We'll call them. Thanks for the syrup!"

That conversation happens every day. It might be time to move to Canada.

I'm off to maple my syrup.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter review

Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year. I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! Tomorrow you will see my year of 2012, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last two years. Because my life continues FOREVER! It's, like, a Never Ending Story! So below, I put 2010 and 2011 with hopes that it will help you understand 2012. So curl up with your Luck Dragon and enjoy!

christmas letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

____________

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sail away, sail away, sail away

Some people believe the world is going to end soon. BUT! They have figured out how to be saved!

Pretty sweet, right? And they're just telling us how we can be saved too! Pic de Bugarach is an "upside down" mountain. It's pretty cool, actually. It's in France. So it's French.

This mountain is kinda sweet because, geologically speaking, it is upside down! Newer rocks are on the bottom. "Scientists" say that when the mountain erupted, the peak shot up into the air and flipped over and landed back inside itself.

Like a mountain pancake.

The rest of us know that aliens picked up the mountain and flipped it over so they would have a good place to land their large space boats.

You know what I love about space boats? Their music. They listen to a lot of Enya. They have the Orinoco Flow. That's a space sailor term meaning "we're a totally awesome boat that won't hit anything like icebergs."

I also love origami on Tuesdays.

“Origami On Tuesdays” is a good name for a band.

So is “Mountain Pancake.”

I would like a mountain of pancakes. Covered with peanut butter. And chocolate. And syrup. And strawberry Quick. The powder kind, not the goo. It's more fun to eat it that way.

I hope they serve that on my space boat cruise.

I'm off to book a space ticket.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj