fruit cutter 2: mangry

I thought I could cut fruit. I really, really did. I was prancing in a beautiful world full or cut pineapples and watermelons! Everybody was smiling and happy and dancing! I thought I could handle anything!

That overconfidence was my downfall. Into a descent of fruit salad fury.

First, the mango. The mango got me mangry. I tried a few different cutting techniques. Wanna know what you should do with a mango? NOTHING. It’s mostly pit! Or, whatever is in it! It’s only worth a small bite of fruit!

If you never had one, here’s an easy way to try it. Get a 2x4. Preferably a tougher wood. Like a Grey Ironback. Then take one banana and spread it around the 2x4 so you have a thin layer of fruit.

Then try to eat it. THAT is a mango.

After the mango mangling, I thought I would have some fun with fruit that I already loved. Bananas, strawberries, and pineapple. I thought, “I’ll make a fancy fruit salad!”

NOPE! Don’t do it! Cutting a strawberry is silly! You can just eat it as is. There is no reason to cut it into slices. You get, like, two slices. Don’t waste your time.

And bananas just go smoosh. The end.

See, you have to cut pineapples and watermelons because they have a thick shell. But bananas? NO! It’s not natural to cut them! You don’t have to!

The same with strawberries! It’s against nature!

You don’t want to fight nature, do you?

NO. YOU DON’T.

I’m off to eat fruit the way it is meant to be eaten at dictated by nature.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

yummy yummy fruit salad tree

Fruit salad trees are a thing. A thing that is real! Totally Real!

I know you think I’m making this up, but I’m not! If you look it up online, you will find that there are FAKE trees that grow bananas and apples and oranges and everything.

These are NOT those. Some tree scientists in Australia can make a tree have different fruits on it. But they do have to be related.

There’s a citrus tree with oranges and lemons and limes and stuff. A stone fruit tree with peaches and plums and apricots. An apple tree with different apples. And a nashi tree.

I didn’t know what a nashi was until today. It’s like the Asian pear.

They make these trees by grafting branches from multiple fruit trees together. The branches will keep growing different kinds of fruit for their whole life!

You can buy these trees and TOTALLY freak out your neighbors! They’ll never know what happened!

They’ll think you’re some crazy fruit scientist and they’ll worry that you’re growing an army of broccoli (not a fruit, but they're scarier) soldiers in your basement and call the CIA to come over and investigate you and then you’ll invite the CIA in for some citrus smoothies that you made using only one tree and your neighbor will feel silly and sit in the shade of their orange grove and look longingly at your citrus tree and wish they could eat something other than oranges but won’t be able to so they'll just sit there peeling orange after orange crying tears of vitamin c onto their “Orange you glad I made fresh juice” sweater.

Or maybe they’ll just come over and enjoy a tangelo. Either way, you have the better tree.

There are also pomato plants. Where they graft a tomato and a potato plant together. You get tomatoes on top and potatoes underground!

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why aren’t they doing this with humans?”

That’s a good question. And I don’t know. I would love to grow lemons and limes on myself. Hopefully they’re working on that.

I’m off to nashi.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj