fruit cutter 2: mangry

I thought I could cut fruit. I really, really did. I was prancing in a beautiful world full or cut pineapples and watermelons! Everybody was smiling and happy and dancing! I thought I could handle anything!

That overconfidence was my downfall. Into a descent of fruit salad fury.

First, the mango. The mango got me mangry. I tried a few different cutting techniques. Wanna know what you should do with a mango? NOTHING. It’s mostly pit! Or, whatever is in it! It’s only worth a small bite of fruit!

If you never had one, here’s an easy way to try it. Get a 2x4. Preferably a tougher wood. Like a Grey Ironback. Then take one banana and spread it around the 2x4 so you have a thin layer of fruit.

Then try to eat it. THAT is a mango.

After the mango mangling, I thought I would have some fun with fruit that I already loved. Bananas, strawberries, and pineapple. I thought, “I’ll make a fancy fruit salad!”

NOPE! Don’t do it! Cutting a strawberry is silly! You can just eat it as is. There is no reason to cut it into slices. You get, like, two slices. Don’t waste your time.

And bananas just go smoosh. The end.

See, you have to cut pineapples and watermelons because they have a thick shell. But bananas? NO! It’s not natural to cut them! You don’t have to!

The same with strawberries! It’s against nature!

You don’t want to fight nature, do you?

NO. YOU DON’T.

I’m off to eat fruit the way it is meant to be eaten at dictated by nature.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

soft foods for me

I am getting some crowns put on my teeth. Why? Because my teeth are royalty! That’s why!

Also because my teeth are a mess. I’ve had pretty much EVERY TOOTH EVER get filled in because of a cavity.

So now I have these temporary caps on my teeth and they are killing me! It’s so hard to eat! I don’t know if this is what it’s like when a baby is teething, but I’m going to say it is.

It’s super hard to eat. But it also feels good to bite down. So I eat to make my jaw feel better, but it’s so hard to eat that it’s a pain. I think this is a catch-22. Or a catch-twenty-tooth.

I have been eating a lot of bananas. They are easy. Also, tried an avocado for the first time. That was fun! Have you seen the pit in that thing?! It’s huge! I have no idea what’s in it, but I’m guessing it’s a baby dinosaur. That’s why I made a little nest and sit on it while I’m watching Star Trek.

Another new thing I tried is creamed spinach. I really never expected to eat that, but it sounded soft. It’s like a weird drippy green solid that actually tastes pretty good.

I know I’m not selling it well, but when you’re desperate for food like I am, you gotta learn to take what you can get! Life isn’t easy for us royal teethers!

Trying to find soft foods to eat has also made me appreciate the internet more. Like finding out what fruits have skin that I can and cannot eat. Honestly, I have NO idea what’s edible!

I started to look up if I could eat the skin of an avocado. Google automatically filled out my search with mango! I didn’t even know that was a question! I never bought a full-on, uncut mango at the store. But guess what! Some people could get a rash from it! So it’s kinda better not to risk it!

Shouldn’t fruit be labeled to let me know this? Am I really so out of touch with food that I should have known that? Should I just stick with bananas because that’s all I can afford?

The answer is “yes” to all of those questions.

I’m off to sit on my nest.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

going bananas for bananas

Did you know bananas are bad for monkeys? Would you ever have guessed that?!

A zoo in England is saying that bananas have too much sugar for monkeys. And the calorie count is too high. Because they eat human bananas.

I honestly had no idea that bananas were grown to please humans. We decided to breed them to be sweeter. I guess they started growing bananas and sugar cane in the same field and made the yummy treat we have today.

Editor’s Note: The science of that statement may or may not be true. Since it was completely made up.

Now that they are off the bananas, they are less aggressive. They also have “thicker and better” fur.

Should I stop eating bananas? I would LOVE thicker and better fur! Who doesn’t want that?!

I like bananas. I also like the word banana. I think it is one of the few fruits that can be used to describe something not fruit-related.

How did it happen that saying something is “bananas” meant that it’s crazy or wild? I’ve never seen a banana do anything crazy.

Maybe I’m just hanging out with the wrong bananas. (Get it? That’s funny because bananas are a hanging fruit!)

More fruits should mean other things. Peachy is a nice one. Why doesn’t apple mean anything?

Like, “No way! You beat Metroid?! That’s so apple!”

I’m going to start using that.

I’m off to have an apple day.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

not bear or bull

But monkey! It's a monkey market!

I don't know much (I know nothing) about stocks. I DO know that there are bears and bulls. Similar to my party last night (from what I remember).

Well, science and monkeys have given us more information about stocks! Actually, science and monkeys are pretty good at figuring out everything in the world.

Some researchers asked monkeys to pick their stocks. They also had fund managers pick some stocks. Guess who’s living in a tree made of gold now?

Yep! The monkeys! They picked the better stocks and used their billions to buy a gold and diamond forest filled with figs and bananas.

A very healthy diet. If you like potassium and fiber. And who doesn't?!

I think there should be a movie about bears and bulls and monkeys. Like Kung Fu Panda meets Wall Street. OH!  And there would be a Gecko! Because that's already kinda there!

Why isn't Disney/Pixar making more movies about stock trading? Seems like a silly decision to ignore the millions they could make in merchandising.

Like a bull in a suit. Or a monkey with an oak desk. A gecko in a jail cell.

ALL of them with Kung Fu action! Because, in my head, most stocks are traded after a Kung Fu fight.

Beware of my High Yield Attack! Finish him with the Capital Gains of Doom!

I'm off to diversify.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

mutant mosquito mayhem

This is kinda funny to me. It might not be as funny to you. But it really should be.

Let me start with the real story. Mosquitoes mutate in, like, an hour. They did a study with DEET to find out how effective it really is at keeping mosquitoes away.

Some guy put DEET on his arm and stuck it into a box of mosquitoes. They didn't like it.

A few hours later, they did it again to the same mosquitoes. Guess what?! They mutated! Their antennae changed so they didn't care about DEET any more and started eating the guy!

If they can mutate that quickly, they have the (unscientifically proven) ability to mutate into giant monsters that will eat all our blood and chocolate!

We do NOT want that!

You should be scared. But not too scared. The guy who did the study is Dr. James Logan.

Get it? I'll wait...Still no? I'll give you a hint WOLVERINE!

That's right! Wolverine is back! James Logan is Wolverine! Well...the Wolverine of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

Which is still pretty tough. I mean...bad hygiene is almost like a super villain.

So yeah...Wolverine is studying mutant mosquitoes. Sorry...Dr. Wolverine.

Wouldn't it be awful if fruit flies were like mosquitoes? Like, they suck the flesh out of a fruit? You open a banana, and it's empty inside! NO BANANA!

That's probably my worst nightmare ever.

I'm off to pretend I'm Wolverine. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the citrus experiment

I've been testing out citrus. I found that some citrus items have been showing up in the stores in very fun bags with cute cartoon citrus-people on them. When I see cute citrus, I buy!

If you sell something in a fun package, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get it. I'm easy like that.

Normally, I would avoid citrus. For two reasons:

One: It's expensive.

Other: It's really hard to peel.

Bananas are good. EASY to peel. Citrus-peel always sticks to the juicy fruit center! I never had an easy way to peel it off!

Until now! A very wise friend of mine told me to roll it. Put the fruit on a table, then put my hand on it and roll it around firmly. That separates the fruit from the skin a little and makes for an easier peeling. And it totally works!

Now I'm trying all sorts of fun citrus! I even found the Sunkist Citrus Wheel online to help me with my shopping. Seriously, you have no idea how excited I am now that I can peel my citrus!

I plan on taking a trip around the entire Citrus Wheel. It might take me long time, but I believe that I will be a better, if not Vitamin C-er, person at the end of it.

So far: Cara caras: check. Blood orange: check. (And extra fun because you can pretend to be an Orange Vampire. Hsssss.) Navel oranges: check. Clementines: check.

You better look out Dancy Tangerines, I'm comin' for you next. You could say you danced your last tango-rine in Paris. (You don't have to...but you could.)

I'm off to roll my citrus.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fall into autumn

It's that wonderful time of year when the air gets cool, the leaves change color, and we make everything all gourdy.

That's right! It's Fall! Or Autumn! Or...wait...it's both!

That's the problem we have with this season. It has two names. So some people decided to do some research on it. And pretty much couldn't come up with a good answer why.

After reading almost the whole article one time, there was no clear answer why the "cool down" season has two names! I even considered reading the article again, but got distracted by a candy corn and decided against it.

Why not just keep the two names? Nothing wrong with that! A season so nice, we named it twice!

BUT! I have an even more eleganter solution! A combination of names to make it sound even better!

Autumnfall!

No more confusing conversations about this time of year anymore!

"It's a beautiful fall!"

"Who fell?! That's awful to say it was beautiful! I guess if somebody DID fall, it's nice that they got to fall during this beautiful autumn."

"What's an oddum? Is that some sort of banana?"

Golly...I can't COUNT how many times I've had that conversation! (Keep in mind, I don't know how to count.)

With the brand new autumnfall, everybody will always know what you're talking about and there will be fewer problems with bananas.

Don't even get me STARTED on banana problems!

I'm off to get my autumfall gourds.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj