don't eat sharks

There was a story out about the Velvet Belly Lantern Shark. Even though it is the most romantically named shark, it's probably not one you want to cuddle with.

Okay, you probably don't ever want to cuddle with sharks. If you ARE a shark-cuddler, watch out for this one!

The story was talking about their bioluminescence. They wanted to find out why they glow on the top AND on the bottom. The bottom is probably to look like light hitting the water so predators from below don't know that there's a shark above them.

The lights on top are part of spikes! YES! SPIKES! They have these little spiny things poking out of them that glow!

Let me tell you how scary this is: Imagine Wolverine. He has claws that come out of his hands. Now imagine it is night and Wolverine is coming after you. Normally, you wouldn't see that coming, so you can't panic until it's too late.

NOW, imagine that his claws glow! All you see coming at you are glowing claws and you have to just watch as your demise approaches. Like a death-rave. SNIKT!

That is what these sharks are saying! "You want my velvety belly? Come and get it! But see how good it feels to swallow my glowing thorns, fool!"

Life lesson: Swallowing thorns is not pleasant. At any point in the process.

Life wish: I really wish humans had bioluminescence. I would like to glow. From my claws!

SNIKT!

I'm off to pretend I'm Wolverine.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the eagle has landed better

On this day in history, Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon for the Apollo 11 mission! It happened in 1969. That was a long time ago. 

Unless you are a time traveler, then it might have only been yesterday. I don't know when you're from. I like the name Armstrong.

And Buzz. Those are cool names. Instead of an eagle landing on the moon (which is totally possible because eagles are hardcore birds), they should make it a shark. With legs. That knows how to dance.

Buzz Armstrong will fly this shark to the moon and say, "The shark has landed on its legs on the moon!"

Then he'll use a jet pack to rocket out of the shark's mouth! Without a helmet because Buzz is so tough he can breathe in moon-space!

He'll stand on the moon and say, "That's one awesome jet pack landing for me. One amazing dance routine for mankind!"

Then he and the shark-ship will dance like crazy! And not bad dancing, either. Good dancing. Like breakdancing. Or crunk.

Then Buzz's pet wolf will jet pack out of the shark too! This won't be any regular wolf; this is, like, a wolf the size of a bus! And his name is Awesome! Buzz rides Awesome around the moon and says, "Apollo goes up to 11, moonies!"

Then they fly through space fighting crime and saving space-babies and stuff.

That's what really happened. I think. They just show that grainy video to hide the truth. They didn't think people could handle its epicness. I hope you can now. I don't want to blow your mind.

If I did, I apologize.

I'm off to crunk.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hybrid sharks are only the beginning

Hybrid sharks have been found in Australia! The "official" story is that some sharks who like cold water have mated with sharks who like warm water. Because of climate change, the water is getting warmer everywhere, so they are creating mutant sharks that can live in medium-temperature water!

Once sharks learn how to swim in medium temperatures, you KNOW what comes next! Sharks who walk on land and wear razor-tipped bowler hats and have fins that shoot fire!

Hopefully the next stage of human evolution makes us razor-proof. And maybe we can shoot fire-extinguisher stuffs from our fingers.

Let's hope other animals don't learn how to live in comfortable temperatures. I mean, what will happen if polar bears learn how to live in 70-degree weather?

That's right! Telekinesis!

They might already be here. You never know. The person next to you RIGHT NOW could be a polar bear. I hear they shave themselves to blend in.

Make some seal noises. If they start to look hungry...RUN!

I would suggest making seal noises around everybody you see today. Just to be safe.

And please tell me where you will be doing this. I would like to watch. For scientific and safety reasons.

Not to laugh. I swear.

I'm off to watch you act sealy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj