animals need tissues

Animals are getting sick. Maybe on purpose?

We had bird and piggy flu. Now we have to watch out for Seal Flu!

When it started with the birds, we thought it was a fluke ("fluke" as in accident, not the fish). Then the pigs got the flu, but it didn't seem too bad.

Now that seals want to give us the flu, a conspiracy arises. These animals are INFECTING THEMSELVES with the flu just to give us the sniffles!

Turtles don't do that. They actually try to avoid the flu by wearing little wool caps. Because they know how cute it looks.

Seals would look cute with wool caps, too. But they don't wear them. Because they want the flu.

Silly seals.

I think there are very few things that are cuter than turtles wearing little wool caps.

I also think that acorns don't get enough credit for growing into trees.

Did you know that it's good luck to put an acorn on your windowsill? It's supposed to protect you from getting struck by lightning. At least, that's what it did for Thor. I don't know why that matters to Thor, though. He can summon lightning, so I figure he can just unsummon it...right?

Maybe if I put some acorns in my nose and a wool cap on my head I won't get seal flu. Or struck by lightning.

Maybe that's not a good idea. Not after the marble incident.

Don't put marbles in your nose.

I'm off to find some acorns and wool.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

countries at rock bottom prices!

I live in the United States of America. There are a bunch of states. Some unincorporated territories. A federal district. Decent places.

But what we really need is a Greece! We don't have one of those yet!

The European Union isn't happy with Greece. They're all, like, "You don't have any money to pay rent."

Greece isn't happy with the E.U. and they're all, "We want to be the minority! We don't need your austerity!" (Green Day reference. It's clever. Trust me. It might make one person laugh.)

(Parenthetical side note: I don't even know what the word austerity means. And I don't understand world economics. I never even heard of the European Union until this morning. But I do consider myself an expert in the subject.)

If Greece goes solo, the United States should pick it up! We can probably get it super cheap. And who doesn't love a deal? I think I saw it on groupon today, too! Even better!

Greece has some nice mountains. Beautiful islands! Seals and turtles live there in harmony! Why wouldn't you want to buy it?!

Cuz if you don't buy it, I will.

Greece: It's Hellas Good. (Look it up. That's another clever reference that nobody will get without doing some research. I think it's funny.)

I'm off to find more olympic sized jokes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hybrid sharks are only the beginning

Hybrid sharks have been found in Australia! The "official" story is that some sharks who like cold water have mated with sharks who like warm water. Because of climate change, the water is getting warmer everywhere, so they are creating mutant sharks that can live in medium-temperature water!

Once sharks learn how to swim in medium temperatures, you KNOW what comes next! Sharks who walk on land and wear razor-tipped bowler hats and have fins that shoot fire!

Hopefully the next stage of human evolution makes us razor-proof. And maybe we can shoot fire-extinguisher stuffs from our fingers.

Let's hope other animals don't learn how to live in comfortable temperatures. I mean, what will happen if polar bears learn how to live in 70-degree weather?

That's right! Telekinesis!

They might already be here. You never know. The person next to you RIGHT NOW could be a polar bear. I hear they shave themselves to blend in.

Make some seal noises. If they start to look hungry...RUN!

I would suggest making seal noises around everybody you see today. Just to be safe.

And please tell me where you will be doing this. I would like to watch. For scientific and safety reasons.

Not to laugh. I swear.

I'm off to watch you act sealy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj