agriculture is children

The Department of Agriculture just put out a new study. Detailing the cost of raising a child.

Because your child is agriculture! According to the government. Actually, they're kinda right. I found out on the web of world wideness that agriculture is "the cultivation of animals, plants, fungi...used to sustain human life."

What are babies? FUNGI! No...wait...they are human life!

And what better way to sustain human life than by actual human life!

Raising a kid is EXPENSIVE! I could never afford it. For parents making $50,000 a year, it costs about $10,000! Just for one kid!

If I had that much money to spend on somebody a year, it would NOT be for my kid! It would totally be for me! And maybe my dragon. Named unicorn.

I know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the Department of Agriculture have a bunch of agencies and offices?"

Yes. They do. The one that specifically calculates the cost of a child is the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. Leading me again to ask the question, "WHO ORGANIZED OUR GOVERNMENT?!"

Is this a way to trick people? Would you EVER think to look for children in the Department of Agriculture: Subsection: Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion?

NO! Now if they had a Center for Candy and Awesome and Pizza and Cartoons and More Candy and Promotion and Agriculture...and Candy, THAT is where I would look for information about raising children.

In fact, I have decided to create that Department. I am also the President of that Department. You know what? I think I'll become the Presidents of ALL the Departments! Just to help the government make more sense. Because I ALWAYS make sense.

Maybe that will give me an extra $10,000 to buy comic books for me and my dragon.

I'm off to agricult.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

animals need tissues

Animals are getting sick. Maybe on purpose?

We had bird and piggy flu. Now we have to watch out for Seal Flu!

When it started with the birds, we thought it was a fluke ("fluke" as in accident, not the fish). Then the pigs got the flu, but it didn't seem too bad.

Now that seals want to give us the flu, a conspiracy arises. These animals are INFECTING THEMSELVES with the flu just to give us the sniffles!

Turtles don't do that. They actually try to avoid the flu by wearing little wool caps. Because they know how cute it looks.

Seals would look cute with wool caps, too. But they don't wear them. Because they want the flu.

Silly seals.

I think there are very few things that are cuter than turtles wearing little wool caps.

I also think that acorns don't get enough credit for growing into trees.

Did you know that it's good luck to put an acorn on your windowsill? It's supposed to protect you from getting struck by lightning. At least, that's what it did for Thor. I don't know why that matters to Thor, though. He can summon lightning, so I figure he can just unsummon it...right?

Maybe if I put some acorns in my nose and a wool cap on my head I won't get seal flu. Or struck by lightning.

Maybe that's not a good idea. Not after the marble incident.

Don't put marbles in your nose.

I'm off to find some acorns and wool.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj