buckingham presents

Sometimes I forget how cool it would be to be a part of the royal family at Buckingham Palace.

I mean, it seems like it’s kinda blah. Just being all princey or something. Having to do lots of public events and just smile a lot when I’d RATHER be sitting around reading comic books! In the Royal Comic Book Reading Room. (Which is currently a chair in my apartment.)

But maybe the events would be worth it! People just send them gifts all the time! Random gifts to say “Thank You” for being royalty!

Queen Elizabeth got a candy castle! I know! That would be so perfect for me. If you ever walked into my dreams, you have seen that I live in a candy castle with my pet unicorn, Starglitter.

Starglitter and I eat the castle every day. Then fall asleep in a sugary haze. Then wake up the next morning to a new candy castle!

My dreams are awesomer than yours. So feel free to join me in mine and get some candy.

Apparently nobody likes Prince Phillip. He got a wooden box. That’s it. I’ve never met Prince Phillip, so maybe he’s into that sort of thing. He might have a whole wooden box collection. Which would make him a…very…exciting person…

Princess Anne got some sweet stuff! She got a garden gnome AND a painting of her riding a moose!

Garden gnomes are always helpful. Especially in gardens. Perhaps they work well in wooden boxes. I don’t know.

But a painting of her riding a moose?! What would compel you to even paint that? Why a moose? Is she an actual moose-rider? Is this something people do?

And why wasn’t the garden gnome in the picture? THAT would have been a cool gift. I would like a copy of that painting for my Reading Room/Chair.

I’m off to find a gnome with a paint brush.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

house is closed

I saw this house the other day with a “Closed” sign on it.

Can they do that?! Can I just “Close” my house?! It's not like I'm the government and can shut down, right?!

Or am I? I could just put hours on my door when visitors are allowed!

Granted, I haven’t had a visitor to my home in…well…ever actually.

But it’s nice to think that if I ever NEEDED some privacy, that I could put a sign out there!

If I’m in an entertaining mood, I could just flip the sign around to say “Open” and everybody would come by!

Maybe that’s why nobody comes over. I don’t have a sign saying “Open” when I'm in a “let’s all watch Doctor Who and read comic books together” mood.

Hmmm…yeah, I’m pretty sure I'd still have no visitors.

Even with a “Closed” sign, I’d probably still go up to the house and look in the windows to see if anybody was there. I do that with stores. If there is a store that I REALLY want to go to, I’ll put my face right up to the window to make extra, super sure that nobody is there.

Don’t deny it! You’ve done it too! Like when you find a cupcake store and you’re really in the mood for a cake of cuppen! You’ll hope that even though they closed 3 hours earlier, the owner might still be in there making cupcakes for anybody willing to smoosh their face on the window!

Because you do that at your job, right? You stay extra late just hoping that you can work more for people who need your services long after your scheduled hours.

Maybe I should just get a hat that has a small “Open” and “Closed” sign on it. Maybe some hours as well. To let people know when I’m available for talkins.

It would be a cowboy hat. Because I would look cool in that.

I’m off to put a sign on my door.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tell earth we're busy tonight

I was doing research on very important things when I came across an article about aliens. 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I was looking up stories about aliens when I came across an article about aliens. But I DO that so I can share important news with you! 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I do that because I like to read about aliens. 

Anyway! Back to the story! I came across a theory as to why we haven’t met any aliens yet because it's unlikely that humans are the only creatures in the entire universe. 

Now, it could be pretty tough for any of those other beings to actually travel to Earth. But, if they did, they probably have the ability to NOT be seen. 

So, what if they did come here, observed, and kinda said, “Meh…let’s go to another planet.”

I know! I read that theory and was ALSO offended! How could these aliens NOT want to hang out with us?! 

If there are any aliens flying by Earth and reading this, let me show you that we’re worth a visit! 

I will show you a good time! Here’s our day. We’ll go to Panera and get some food. Then get some frozen yoghurt (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose). Then we’ll go to the comic book store and buy lots and lots of comics. Read lots and lots of comics. Then we’ll find a fair and get some cotton candy and ride the carousel! 

Then, for day 2, we’ll have a Doctor Who marathon and eat tons of candy! 

Day 3 will consist of tea and crumpets. I don't know what a crumpet is, but we'll buy some and eat them and then run through the sprinkler. 

If that doesn’t entice you, well I’m pretty much out of ideas. I mean, that would probably be the best three days ever. I don’t know anybody who would disagree. 

Granted, I don’t know a lot of people. But if I DID, they WOULD agree. 

I’m off to crumpet. 

Enjoy Everything. 

-dj

cheetah on the titans

If you read comic books, you’re probably shouting, “The Titans would never allow Cheetah onto their team! That’s just crazy talk!”

And you would be correct. Luckily, nobody reads comic books anymore. Except me.

If you’re normal, you might be thinking more about football and jungle kitties. And you would be correct!

There is an American football team called the Tennessee Titans. I know absolutely NOTHING about football. I only know that there is a team called the Titans. I love them because they are named after a comic book super hero team. That is all it took.

They have a really fast guy on the team. (Not The Flash. Unfortunately.) His name is Chris Johnson. He wants to race a cheetah.

Not Wonder Woman’s enemy. An actual cheetah from the jungle.

He’s going to do this on TV. Because he thinks he can win.

I LOVE that he’s going to do this, but I’m pretty sure he’ll lose. A cheetah’s top speed is 75 mph. That’s fast.

In THEORY. Again, THEORETICALLY, a human could MAYBE get to 40 mph. But the fastest recorded human running was about 28 mph.

That’s a big difference. Also, I don’t know if our Titan knows this, but cheetahs are carnivores, so…um…if he doesn’t run fast enough, he won’t be running much. Ever.

I will watch this because I always cheer The Titans on. Because it makes me feel like I know sports even though I’m really cheering for a comic book team.

If you ever hear me say, “Go Titans!” you’ll know why.

On a side note, I’ve decided that I’m the fastest land animal. I was just bitten by a radioactive cheetah. Because I couldn’t run faster than it. Luckily, it was radioactive and gave me speed powers. Also, it didn't eat me, just a bite. (There’s nothing dangerous about that situation.)

The Titans should hire me. The football team AND the super hero team. My name will be Super-Fast Cheetah Guy. That’s a good solid name.

I’m off to race a cheetah.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

on my world, it means hope

I guess that’s only on your world. I finally saw “Man of Steel” the other day. (Yeah, it takes me a while to finally get to the movies! I’m busy reading comics!)

So, was there any “hope” in this movie? Not really. Am I a movie critic? Nope! What I say here is just one comic book fan’s rant. Nothing special. Oh, and if you’re even lazier than I am going to the movies, there are spoilers. Also, this is really long and boring. (I just finished writing and realized that it’s REALLY, REALLY long! Like, too long to even bother reading, so go do something productive! Like, swim a marathon or play drums on your belly or something.)

I liked the movie. It was a good action movie. Not a good Superman movie. Superman is supposed to instill hope in us! This Superman did nothing like that!

I’ll start with the gooooooood stuff! The action was great! It was some of the best “super” fighting I’ve seen. Fast, but clear. Really well done. Almost as good as the end of “The Avengers,” but not as fun. Still, super cool! (Get it? Super? HA!)

The new Krypton origin was clever and totally worked. I liked it a lot. Also, all that stuff about the government not trusting an alien coming to Earth and the crazy amount of military in the movie made a lot of sense. So that was good. Especially Christopher Meloni doing what he does best. Being awesome.

Smallville? Not so awesome. Pa Kent keeps telling his son NOT to save lives! Don’t show your powers! Soooo...what could possibly inspire young Clark Kent to actually become Superman? Nothing. There is NO inspiration for him to be a hero! Way to be a buzzkill, Pa!

Like I said, the fighting was cool, but the amount of destruction was crazy! And, sure, Superman may have saved the planet, but Metropolis is gone. Literally gone. With maybe 4 people from the Daily Planet alive. Seriously. Superman made absolutely no effort to worry about humans. He actually only caught two people falling. Two.

Then, at the end, Zod is using his heat vision all over the place. Superman holds him back from killing a few people (finally, he’s saving somebody!) and to save the day, he snaps Zod’s neck.

No. Just…no. Superman doesn’t do that! I think they were trying to make it seem like he had no choice. Really?! Um…how about JUST TURNING HIS HEAD A LITTLE INSTEAD OF ALL THE WAY AROUND! Clearly that’s an option! Or making him look upward. OR STANDING UP AND FLOATING A FEW INCHES TO LET THE PEOPLE RUN AWAY! YOU CAN FLY!

Then, at the end, the military trusted Superman. But I can’t believe that the human race could possibly like him at all. Hope? Nope! (I just thought of that clever rhyme!)

So there. That’s my rant. This would have been a perfect alien invasion movie. I guess starring Will Smith or Keanu Reeves as a good super-powered alien who saves the day, but is kinda “meh” about destruction. Again, not a good Superman movie.

I never thought I’d say any Superman movie could be worse than “Returns.” But “Returns” is actually looking like a great movie now! Sure it had its flaws (boy howdy, did it have flaws!), but at least Superman was Superman!

I remember having many complaints about Batman not being very “Batman” in the recent trilogy, also. For some reason, almost every Marvel Comics movie keeps true to the character AND makes a great movie. DC Comics just can’t seem to do that.

But, people are still seeing the movies, so I guess that’s good. Whatever brings money to the company to keep making comic books! Go spend your money on “Man of Steel” movies and DVDs and Blu-rays and laserdiscs! I’ll keep buying the comics. (Sorry this is so long! I'm a little crazy. But, I warned you!)

I’m off to take a deep breath and find the real Superman. (Which I did by reading good Superman comic books all weekend!)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

no sitting down on the job

I’ve read comic books for a long time. Probably 99.99999999999% of my life. I love them. From super heroes to crime noir, comic books are the bestest!

I like to think I know a few things about comics. I may have trouble remembering everything, but I know a good amount. Especially things that are “common knowledge.”

Like, Superman comes from Krypton. Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider. Wolverine is the best there is at what he does. You know, random stuff like that.

Now, I love super hero comics. I really do. But I understand that they are from big companies and the editors have more say than the writers most of the time. Which is too bad. That would NEVER stop me from reading them, though!

One writer dealt with all the rewriting that he had to do and a scene where Batman sits next to somebody on the roof had to be changed last minute. He asked why and the editor said that Batman never sits down. Common knowledge!

WHAT?! How is that common knowledge?! He HAS to sit sometimes! He drives a car! And a plane! And a submersible!

I understand that Batman is generally jumping around beating up evil and stuff. He can still sit if he needs to! Everybody loves a good sit!

Luckily, the internet has responded by making a tumblr page with pictures of Batman sitting down.

So, please, don’t be afraid to have Batman sit. He can do more sitting down than I could do in...probably any position. And please, editors, I understand that shareholders are important, but I’m also pretty sure they’ll be fine if Batman rests his legs for a minute.

Or not. I don’t really know what happens in shareholder meetings. Maybe they all stand around and fight crime. When I say “stand,” I mean “sit.” When I say “fight crime,” I mean “make tons of money.”

I know this was a little too “comic booky” for the average person to care about. But sometimes I just need to rant a little. Publicly. For all the shareholders to see. Because shareholders are some of my biggest fans.

I’m off to sit down for a minute and hold a good share.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

agriculture is children

The Department of Agriculture just put out a new study. Detailing the cost of raising a child.

Because your child is agriculture! According to the government. Actually, they're kinda right. I found out on the web of world wideness that agriculture is "the cultivation of animals, plants, fungi...used to sustain human life."

What are babies? FUNGI! No...wait...they are human life!

And what better way to sustain human life than by actual human life!

Raising a kid is EXPENSIVE! I could never afford it. For parents making $50,000 a year, it costs about $10,000! Just for one kid!

If I had that much money to spend on somebody a year, it would NOT be for my kid! It would totally be for me! And maybe my dragon. Named unicorn.

I know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the Department of Agriculture have a bunch of agencies and offices?"

Yes. They do. The one that specifically calculates the cost of a child is the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. Leading me again to ask the question, "WHO ORGANIZED OUR GOVERNMENT?!"

Is this a way to trick people? Would you EVER think to look for children in the Department of Agriculture: Subsection: Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion?

NO! Now if they had a Center for Candy and Awesome and Pizza and Cartoons and More Candy and Promotion and Agriculture...and Candy, THAT is where I would look for information about raising children.

In fact, I have decided to create that Department. I am also the President of that Department. You know what? I think I'll become the Presidents of ALL the Departments! Just to help the government make more sense. Because I ALWAYS make sense.

Maybe that will give me an extra $10,000 to buy comic books for me and my dragon.

I'm off to agricult.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

light the way to the bathroom

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of the dark, but when it's dark, I get afraid. Thank goodness for my night lights! They're so helpful!

But! I might not have the perfect night light path. I live in a pretty small apartment, but it's still hard to walk around at night since I have so much junk.

I also have three different night lights. Each is a different size and shape and brightness.

I COULD buy more, but I don't have any money in the Night Light Slush Fund. I had to take all the money from the Night Light Jar and put it into the Comic Book Slush Fund Jar and the Food Slush Fund Jar and the Slushie Slush Fund Jar. Slush is fun to say.

Those jars are also empty. Slush empty.

Now I'm trying to figure out the PERFECT location for each night light. See, if I put the bright one in the bathroom, I can REALLY SEE the sink from far away!

Unfortunately, the trail TO the sink is darkish. But if I put the bright one in the middle of the path to the sink, the bathroom is dark.

And don't get me started on the medium light. I have no idea where to put that.

To make things even MORE complicated, the medium light has color options. Green and blue. I keep switching it to see if one is brighter than the other.

I think green is slightly brighter. But it might be the blue option.

Luckily, when I spend hours at night trying to figure this out, I don't feel crazy.

That only happens when I talk about after.

Hows abouts we ignore this whole conversation and talk about something else like ponies or sorbet or yarn. Those are all not-crazy topics.

I'm off to change the subject.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bad at keeping time

Have you heard about this Doomsday Clock? It's not a very good clock. I mean, the time changes all willy-nilly! Some guy can just move it forward a minute or two. But then, another guy can go there and move it back!

What kind of clock is that? I might miss Sesame Street! Or my plane! Or anything else that will happen at any previously planned designated time!

I mean, I have this clock at home that keeps going. Like, I set it once, and then the second hand keeps going around and the minutes keep moving forward and stuff and I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to go.

But this Doomsday Clock is getting moved back and forth by some evil scientist.

At least, I imagine it's an evil scientist. What OTHER kind of scientist would name something a "Doomsday" clock?!

I've read enough comic books to know that when "Doomsday" is used to describe something, that something is made to destroy the world.

Here's my idea. Move the minute hand WAY before doomsday o'clock and take the batteries out. This way, we won't have to worry about any doomsdayery happening.

If possible, could we move it to 2:30? I like that time. That's when it's time to go to the dentist. (That joke makes me laugh EVERY TIME!)

Or, if that's not possible, could we at least set it to Pretzel Time. That'd be swell. Thanks.

I'm off to set my clock.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj