gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

buckingham presents

Sometimes I forget how cool it would be to be a part of the royal family at Buckingham Palace.

I mean, it seems like it’s kinda blah. Just being all princey or something. Having to do lots of public events and just smile a lot when I’d RATHER be sitting around reading comic books! In the Royal Comic Book Reading Room. (Which is currently a chair in my apartment.)

But maybe the events would be worth it! People just send them gifts all the time! Random gifts to say “Thank You” for being royalty!

Queen Elizabeth got a candy castle! I know! That would be so perfect for me. If you ever walked into my dreams, you have seen that I live in a candy castle with my pet unicorn, Starglitter.

Starglitter and I eat the castle every day. Then fall asleep in a sugary haze. Then wake up the next morning to a new candy castle!

My dreams are awesomer than yours. So feel free to join me in mine and get some candy.

Apparently nobody likes Prince Phillip. He got a wooden box. That’s it. I’ve never met Prince Phillip, so maybe he’s into that sort of thing. He might have a whole wooden box collection. Which would make him a…very…exciting person…

Princess Anne got some sweet stuff! She got a garden gnome AND a painting of her riding a moose!

Garden gnomes are always helpful. Especially in gardens. Perhaps they work well in wooden boxes. I don’t know.

But a painting of her riding a moose?! What would compel you to even paint that? Why a moose? Is she an actual moose-rider? Is this something people do?

And why wasn’t the garden gnome in the picture? THAT would have been a cool gift. I would like a copy of that painting for my Reading Room/Chair.

I’m off to find a gnome with a paint brush.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bigger candy wins again

I’ve said this for years. When you make candy and want to sell more of it, just MAKE IT BIGGER.

Finally, m&m’s are joining the party! This year, they are adding new MEGA-style candy-coated chocolate.

THREE TIMES the amount of chocolate getting coated with candy! That will also require some extra candy coating! I don’t know the coating-to-chocolate ratio, so I cannot tell you exactly how much more coating will be needed, but I’m fairly confident it will be LOTS more!

I have also tried some new flavors of m&m’s. Generally, I’m not a fan of possessive candy, but having done my research on them, I feel like it’s acceptable to try new varieties. But I will NOT let them own me!

There is a white chocolate peppermint flavor and a holiday mint flavor.

Both tasted minty. And were good. You can probably get them cheaper now. I did.

Though, I am not quite sure what flavor “holiday” is. I did not know that was, in fact, a flavor. Or that it was even a variety of mint!

I mean, there’s wintergreen mint, pepper mint, and spear mint, but what is "holiday?" And how do you make it minty?!

Doing intense research online came up with nothing. So, I cannot officially tell you what "holiday" is or how it became a flavor.

Maybe it's more like saying, "That's cool." Or, "That's awesome." When I was younger, I used to say, "That's totally mint!" I should say that more often.

I DID enjoy green flavor recently. NOT wintergreen. Unspecified-season green. It was in the form of yoghurt that was frozen. I would say it tasted "mint," but that might be confusing. Since the flavor was not mint. It was just "green." Green tastes good.

Green Tastes Good would also be a good name for a band.

I’m off to lick a holiday.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more canadian currency

Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.

A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!

Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”

Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!

The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.

The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.

These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!

It will be so much fun!

Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”

Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”

Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”

Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”

Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.

I’m off to syrup my maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

yeah yeah yeah

Yeah!

That’s all you needed to hear isn’t it? Now you will believe EVERYTHING I SAY.

According to MIT you will! They found out that “yeah” is the “most persuasive word” in business. It will help you get your way and make people trust you.

Other strong words are “meeting” and “start.”

Trusting me so far? I bet you are! Yeah! Trust me!

I am going to start putting “yeah” into everything I say. I might just put it in random spots. You know, to instill even MORE trustiness!

I think I’ll gather everybody I know and tell them this:

Let’s START the MEETING about why I need more money and candy and a pet porcupine. YEAH! MEETING time! I would like to START by saying that building me a candy castle is the best idea ever. We should START making this castle immediately. We can have a MEETING about this building soon. YEAH, building this castle is a great idea. Also, the moat should be filled with chocolate. YEAH, chocolate. Let’s START the MEETING about the chocolate moat tomorrow. YEAH!

How about that?! Don’t you trust me now?! You find my words VERY PERSUASIVE! Do my bidding!

YEAH! You will! Because I used the MOST POWERFUL WORD IN BUSINESS! I used it excessively, which means, you will trust me excessively.

Do you want stuff to? Us it yourself!

Do you want a robot to hang your laundry? YEAH!

Do you want a cake made out of cookies? YEAH!

Do you want a stick of artificially-flavored, minty gum?! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

All these things and so much more can be yours! Yeah!

I’m off to START a MEETING. YEAH.

Enjoy Everything. Yeah.

-dj

unicorn customs

Can a unicorn get through customs? Yes. As long as the unicorn has magically disguised itself as a little girl!

There’s a girl from South Wales who was able to get through security in Turkey with a fake passport. A passport FOR A UNICORN.

She got this fake passport for her stuffed unicorn as part of her “Design A Bear” toy. I guess they want to make sure your stuffed animal can travel the world with you.

During the rush through Turkey customs, they gave the unicorn’s passport to the person working there instead of little Emily’s passport! And they got through!

I’m not sure what this says about security in Turkey, but I do know what it says about my new passport picture.

It’s going to be a picture of a unicorn! My name will be Sprinkle Sparkle and I will travel the world on magic, love, and United Airlines!

If anybody asks why, in my current shape, I don’t look like the picture, I will tell them that I’m in secret “human form” because there are many evil wallaby spies trying to get all my unicorn secrets from me.

Like our secret moon base. And where we store all our candy.

I’d be, like, the James Bond of unicorns. Starring in GoldenHorn. Or Unicorns are Forever. Or License to Frolic.

I’d also work for the Queen of England.

The only difference is that I would order my frosting stirred, not shaken. Because…well…can you even shake frosting? Wait…can I get a frosting shake?!

That sounds soooooo gooooood!

I’m off to shake and stir and frosting.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's a good snack

I was thinking about going to the movies. I don't actually go very often, but I THINK about it LOTS.

Did you know that you can buy popcorn at the movies? It's a pretty popular choice for a movie-snack. Candy is also very popular.

And, if the movie theater is awesome, pizza, nachos, and pretzels are also popular. Actually, they pretty much have anything you could ever want there. It's really just a food court...with movies.

Do you think they'd let me make my own snack? I kinda want to try something. I'll buy a medium popcorn, but ask if they can put it in the large bucket. THEN! I'll buy a bunch of candy. Like gummy bears and Skittles and M&M's and Twizzlers and put them all in the bucket and shake it around so I have a candy/popcorn Bucket Of Fun!

Wait...why are M&M's possessive? What do they own? I always thought one candy-coated chocolate was a single M&M and that many of them were M&Ms. But NO. They are officially M&M's!

After hours of research, I found out for you! They are named after the guys who invented them. Mars and Murrie. So, do Mars and Murrie still claim ownership to every candy-coated chocolate in every bag we buy?

They do! The bag says "M&M's Chocolate Candies!" I've been wrong all these years! I call them M&Ms, but that's not what they are! They're just officially Chocolate Candies!

I can't believe I never knew this. Luckily, everybody knows what I'm looking for when I say M&M's. If they made frozen fish or glass cleaner, it might have caused some problems in my life.

Me: "I'm in the mood for M&M's."

You: "To clean your mirrors? Or did you want M&M's Fish Sticks and Custard?"

Me: "Not those! The Chocolate Candies!"

You: "Oh! Well, you should be more specific since M&M's owns multiple items."

Me: "I really should be. But since this conversation is imaginary, it's not really a problem."

Correct! It is not a problem! But, it could have been if Mars and Murrie didn't get lazy and stop at chocolate candies.

I'm off to get a bucket of fun.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that was an odd day: part one

I don't usually notice too much in a day. Well, I suppose I notice a lot of things. But nothing that really stands out. Yesterday had quite a few...um...stand-outish things.

I was at the Super Market buying lots of YUMMY foods. I believe this market is super because it came from another planet and our sun gives it super powers. Even though the website doesn't say that, I'm sure it's true.

I was waiting to purchase my citrus and bread and coffee when a small child walked into my line. I'm not sure if the child had a parent, but if it did, the parent was not visible. This line had candy and toys in it. Nothing big, just little things. This young child took a bag of toys and began stuffing it down the back of his pants!

At first, I thought, "The back of the pants?! Really?! Is that where you want your stolen toys to be?" Then I remembered reading many stories of people getting taken to jail and doing the same thing. Mostly with illegal substances. And again, I generally ask, "Is that where you want your illegal substances to be?"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if he was planning on stealing these toys because he didn't actually stuff the whole thing down his pants. Just the top part. So when he walked away it was more like a "tail." Clearly visible to anybody behind him. Like a "toy tail."

He may or may not have known that I saw this whole thing. He was wearing sweat pants, so it could have just been an easy place to put them due to a lack of pockets. Sometimes when I wear sweat pants, I...okay, I don't own a pair of sweat pants, so I can't even seriously make a joke about them.

Then I thought that it might be okay to carry things that way! So I took my loaf of bread and stuffed part of it into the back of my pants. And let me tell you, having a "bread tail" is probably the most empowering thing you will ever do!

Except when hungry geese are nearby. Then...it's not so great.

This has already gone on too long and that was only PART of my day! I'm not sure if you want to know the rest of it, but it's coming anyway!

I'm off to buy some sweat pants.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

agriculture is children

The Department of Agriculture just put out a new study. Detailing the cost of raising a child.

Because your child is agriculture! According to the government. Actually, they're kinda right. I found out on the web of world wideness that agriculture is "the cultivation of animals, plants, fungi...used to sustain human life."

What are babies? FUNGI! No...wait...they are human life!

And what better way to sustain human life than by actual human life!

Raising a kid is EXPENSIVE! I could never afford it. For parents making $50,000 a year, it costs about $10,000! Just for one kid!

If I had that much money to spend on somebody a year, it would NOT be for my kid! It would totally be for me! And maybe my dragon. Named unicorn.

I know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the Department of Agriculture have a bunch of agencies and offices?"

Yes. They do. The one that specifically calculates the cost of a child is the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. Leading me again to ask the question, "WHO ORGANIZED OUR GOVERNMENT?!"

Is this a way to trick people? Would you EVER think to look for children in the Department of Agriculture: Subsection: Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion?

NO! Now if they had a Center for Candy and Awesome and Pizza and Cartoons and More Candy and Promotion and Agriculture...and Candy, THAT is where I would look for information about raising children.

In fact, I have decided to create that Department. I am also the President of that Department. You know what? I think I'll become the Presidents of ALL the Departments! Just to help the government make more sense. Because I ALWAYS make sense.

Maybe that will give me an extra $10,000 to buy comic books for me and my dragon.

I'm off to agricult.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's no maple leaf

Canada is in a fiscal crisis! You could say (and this will be funny later when you know the story) that they are on a fiscal limb! (It's a tree joke...wait for it...)

Canada has brand new $20 bills. As always, they look like colorful  candy. (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, everything in Canada is sugary and edible.) But, there is a BIG botanical brouhaha over the dollar design. More specifically, the maple leaf. (See? The tree joke is making sense now!)

The leaf on the new bill has FIVE lobes! Five you say? Five I say!

You know from your years of botanical studies that the 5-lobed maple leaf is from the invasive Norway maple tree. NOT the beautiful 3-lobed sugar maple that proudly sits on the Canadian flag.

Now the banks and botanists are fighting. It WILL go down in history as the Bank/Botanical Battle Boogaloo.

The bank said it's a mish-mash of ALL maple trees. Because they accept all maple currency in Canada. Botanists aren't buying it...and are afraid it won't buy them anything.

You: "Here's your payment for all these plants and tree-things I'm buying at this wonderful botany store."

Botanist Cashier: "What's this? This isn't money! And trust me, I know from silly looking money, eh! I'm full-on Canadian and KNOW what a sugar maple leaf looks like and this, my friend, is Norwegian money!"

You: "I swear this is real money! Even though it looks totally fake like all Canadian money even though it's really real, eh!"

Botanist Cashier: "Get out of my store you Norwegian counterfeiter! Mounties! I need some Mounties! Royal Canadian Mounties! This person is Norwegian!"

That was the last time I did anything botanical. It was also the last time I rode a horse. But that's more hippological and less botanical.

I'm off to maple a tree.

Enjoy Everything, Eh.

-dj

for crying out loud

For crying out loud, you get a lot of attention! And you also start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which grammar people LOVE.

Grammatical sarcasm aside, I heard somebody say "for crying out loud" the other day and I started repeating it to myself trying to figure out what it could possibly mean. We say it so fast when we actually use it.

"Did you get your candy yet?"

"Halloween is still 7 months away, fercryinoutloud!"

(By the way, buying Halloween candy should be done every day of the year. It's candy. It's good. Eat it every day.)

Or maybe it's for getting prizes!

"For crying out loud, you will get our award for Out Loudness!"

"Since everybody else in class cried internally, you get the Cry Award for crying out loud!"

Everybody cheers! Some internally.

Prepositional exclamatory phrases aside, I really didn't have much else to talk about.

Well, I DID try something new. I love cutting up an apple and eating it with peanut butter. LOVE IT. I ALSO love peanut butter and toast.

Since I enjoy honey and jam and jelly on toast, I decided to try honey and jam and jelly on apple slices! Separately.

They were ok. They didn't taste bad, kinda just...there. Not NEARLY as exciting as peanut butter and apple!

So yeah...nothing special. My life can't always be exciting, for crying out loud!

I'm off to cry internally. Which sounds really, really sad.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

trick or tre...oh...nobody there

Another Halloween and no candy given out. I wasn't sure this year.

See, I've lived in a few different apartments and sometimes they're near a road and sometimes not. Last year, I moved to a new place VERY close to the road, so I thought I might get some trick-or-treaters!

Then a giant snow monster came and destroyed Halloween.

This year, I bought candy...again...and wondered if somebody might come by. We were pretty clear after the hurricane, so I thought there might be a chance.

OH! Speaking of the hurricane! I have some neighbors who live in houses with yards. I don't have a yard, but they do! One of these neighbors did NOT clean the leaves from their yard AT ALL. You couldn't actually see the grass. It was all leaves. It was pretty cool.

Then the hurricane came and blew ALL of his leaves into the yard next door! A yard that WAS clean!

Yesterday, when I got home from worky, previously clean-yard-man was blowing the leaves BACK to the previously leaved yard.

It was awesome and apposite. (Can you tell I learned a new word?)

After the leaf boundary battle, I got ready for Halloween. Ghost candle, spooky music, bowl full of jelly. I was good to go.

Then nobody came.

Now I'm stuck with 370 pieces of candy.

Well...363...I couldn't help myself.

Fine...347. But I have an excuse! I got a bag with Skittles! You can't say no to tasting the rainbow!

I'm off to count backwards from 347.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the final say on candy corn

There is no guarantee that this is actually the last time I will write about candy corn.

But it could be.

I tried all the new candies and cookies that have been created to TASTE like candy corn.

And they were good.

I decided to give candy corn another chance. I never used to like it. It was always...not right.

I have changed my mind. I now like it! It's good! I don't know if they changed anything, but the bag does say that it is made with "real honey." And, well, you know how passionate I am about honey!

I have a theory about the "bad" candy corn. People put it in a dish and it sits out and gets dry and nasty. THAT is when it is gross! And THAT might be why I never liked it!

So keep it fresh in the bag so kids don't get scarred like I did!

AND NOW they make different flavors! They have original, which I guess is honey-flavor, caramel, AND caramel apple! They also have a nondescript-flavor pumpkin!

Apparently, Canada is rumoured to have a Blueberry Cobbler Candy Corn. I have NO idea what compelled the Canadians to make that, but I love them for it. And if you know any Canadian candy smugglers, I am willing to pay top dollar for a bag of that.

Legally speaking, I didn't just ask that. (Even though I really did. Shhhh...)

Candy corn, I apologize for treating you so badly for so long. I hope we can get along now. And by get along, I mean I will buy many bags of you and eat like crazy.

I'm off to visit a...friend...at the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cows love candy and corn

I've been talking about candy corn a lot lately. This isn't actually about that, but it's about BOTH of those things. Together. But not together in the way you are thinking!

Hooked yet? Good! Because this is fun!

There was a pretty bad drought this year. That was bad for corn. Without corn, it's tough to get corn FEED. Without corn feed, it's tough to feed cows. Without cows, it's tough to get milk and hamburgers and butter and yogurt (or yoghurt) and that "moo" sound they make.

Farmers needed to fill the corn gap. So they decided to use candy! See, there's an excess of cookies and gummy worms and marshmallows and fruit loops and more that can be added to their corn feed to get the cows nice and plump!

Sounds good, right?! I mean, that's probably the perfect meal!

I kinda wish I could be a cow for a little while. Just to try it.

I bet those cows taste SO good! I'm not much of a steak-eater, but if my steak tasted like gummy worms! How could I NOT order it?! That and some marshmallow milk! O! M! G!

Guess what?! I can almost kinda be like a cow! A very wise woman recently told me she loves to eat popcorn with candy in it! I love popcorn and candy! Why not combine them?! How did I not think of this?!

Instead of corn feed, just use some popped corn and throw candy and gummy worms and fruit loops and cookies and ANYTHING in there! That HAS to be the perfect food!

We live in an amazing world full of candy steak and candy popcorn. If you ever need to practice cow farming, let me know. I'm more than happy to help out.

I'm off to be a cow and pop my corn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

I wash my car at night

So I can't see the spots I missed? What?!

I was driving. At night. Because legally I can do that now (Take that, sunset!). And it was a dark night. You know, not a whole lot of moon out there.

I drove by a house and saw somebody washing their car! The only reason I could see the car-washing was because my headlights were on! This was a dark area and I couldn't see any lights from his house or anything!

Just washing his car! In the dark!

Why would you do that?! Like, what advantage do you have by washing your car at night? Is there some secret I don't know about? Something about getting a cleaner clean or a sparklier sparkle or a buffier buff by doing it under the stars?

Does it even have anything to do with the stars?

I DON'T KNOW! Because I was too afraid to stop and ask! C'mon...you mean to tell me that you would stop and talk to somebody who was washing their car at night? That wouldn't frighten you?

Want to scare kids coming up to your house this halloween? Be that guy washing your car in your driveway. If any Batman or Cinderella is brave enough to walk up that driveway, they have EARNED your candy.

I couldn't do it. I'm not that strong.

Luckily, I'm an adult and I'm allowed to use a legally-acquired credit card to purchase LARGE AMOUNTS OF CANDY from the store WITHOUT having to walk by nighttime car-washers.

Take that wax-man!

I'm off to load up in the seasonal aisle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

everybody ride the turtle

I love turtles. They're really cool. And super cute!

Plus, some of them become ninjas. Which is totally radalicious.

Also, 60 million years ago, they were cars!

Well, not cars, but as big as a small car. I have a small car (its name is Blue Kryptonite 360, if you didn't know). I love my small car.

But I would NOT complain if I drove to work every morning on a GIANT TURTLE!

These giant turtles also had giant jaws that could eat crocodiles!

Which is perfect because, like you, I'm always avoiding crocs on my drive to work in the morning.

So, in a perfect world, I would put on my driving scarf and my driving goggles, hop on my turtle, and zoom off to work. Without worrying about getting eaten by crocodiles.

Well...in a perfect world I would be the Mayor of Candy City. And the crocodiles would be chocolate. The turtle would not be, though. Because I don't want to drive candy. I want to eat it.

I like this world. Let's make it happen.

I'm off to do my candy mayoral-duties.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

trees, not birds

I know birds love trees. And that's great. I love trees. I have never made a nest in a tree, but I still love them.

Today is Arbor Day! And for some reason, people celebrate Bird Day at the same time!

Bird Day is NOT until May 4! PLEASE LET ARBOR CELEBRATE ALONE!

It's brutally unfair to arbors to throw birds into their day.

How would you like it if your birthday came a week before National Phone Day and all day long people put them together and were, like, "Tell your phone I said hello!"

"Oh, yeah...happy birthwhatever..."

How does that feel? Not good.

Do you want our perennial woody plants to feel that way?

I didn't think so.

So make sure you bring a little gift out for every tree you see today. Give it a hug and let it know how much you love it.

Buy expensive gifts, too. Like...diamonds...and candy. And let me know where all these trees are so I can...um...make sure the trees get their gifts and nobody steals it.

I'm just trying to do my part. Protecting the trees.

And don't say anything nice to birds today. They get their day next week. They can wait. Impatient, hollow-boned wing flappers...

I'm off to picnic with a tree.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

canada's current currency

I know a lot of people make jokes about Canada. I may have done it in the past. BUT! I also praise Canada for their amazing candy and snack foods! They have all sorts of stuff up there that you just can't get in our boring country.

Money is something else that Canada decided to make funner. It's awesome! It's all different colors and stuff. How fun is that?!

Not fun enough for the Royal Canadian Mint! They said that it needs be even funnerer!

They have just created the glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter!!!!!!!!!

I am NOT kidding!

On one side is a pachyrhinosaurus lakustai. It looks like what most dinosaurs look like. But turn the lights off, and you see the glowing skeleton of the dinosaur!

Why isn't all American money like that! I WANT GLOWY MONEY!

On the other side is Queen Elizabeth.

Her skull does not glow. But that would have been awesome.

I have a lot of big change transactions happening in dark places at night and if I could see the glowing skull of George Washington when I made these...transactions...I wouldn't have to worry so much about dropping my quarters!

I'm sure you have the same problem. Though, I don't know if you do what I do at night.

I'm not allowed to talk about it, but let's say that if I didn't do what I do, Mars and Venus might not be so friendly.

Maybe I can transfer to Canada so I can use dinosaur money.

Or maybe you can write to your state representative and let them know you want glow-in-the-dark money.

Because Canada has it. And we don't want to look uncool to Canada.

I'm off to the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj