butterflies will drink your tears

Because they’re hardcore like that. First they make you cry. Then they laugh. Then they drink your tears. Not so much as a way to mock you, but because they enjoy salty water.

It turns out that butterflies will land on turtles and drink their tears. Because of the sodium. Turtles cry sodium. SODIUM!

Not yell it, silly! (Even though it’s super fun to yell the word sodium.) Like, when you cry watching Bridge to Terabithia! (At least, that's what makes me cry. A lot.)

I just find this funny because when I usually hear somebody in a movie yell about drinking tears, it’s by a fairly evil person making children cry in sadness.

Unless butterflies ARE evil and like to destroy the will of turtles! I know they look all pretty and fluttery, but you should see the way they attack poor defenseless flowers. It’s ruthless.

Literally, there are no Ruths around. At all. It’s crazy.

I wonder if I would attract butterflies to me if I put salt on my skin? Would they start attacking me? Would they laugh as they landed on me to torment me with their proboscis?

I’m very antiboscis, so I don’t think I would appreciate their proboscisity.

Maybe I should just bring a sad turtle to the butterfly conservatory. Then I can have lots of butterflies visit. And I won’t have to pour salt all over myself. Which may or may not be uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard about a spa that does a butterfly facial by putting salt on your face and letting butterflies attack. Oh...I should start that spa! I’d be a great spa owner! I’m all about pampering! I pamper like crazy!

I’m off to salt and spa.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

putting the magic in cicadas

There’s a lot of news about the “cicada onslaught” that is coming soon. Should you be worried?

YES! You should! These aren’t your ordinary cicadas! They are magicicadas! Called that because they know how to use MAGIC!

Cicadas are odd little bugs. They mate, then go underground and plot for 17 years (some for 13), then come back up and mate again. It’s really pretty cool. They varied their breeding enough that cicadas pop up almost every year.

BUT! Magicicadas are a special breed of cicada that have been to Hogwarts and grow under the whomping willow.

This year, they estimate that at least 30 million magicicadas will emerge on the east coast! If they climb on top of each other, they could make it to the moon and back! Which cicadas love to do!

How do they attract a mate? They shake their abdomen. It’s super loud.

When I shake my abdomen, it does not attract mates. It usually gets me arrested. It DOES work for magicicadas, though. Which makes me think that Justin Timberlake and Bruno Mars MIGHT be magicicadas.

On a slightly unrelated, but just as scary, note, giant snails have invaded Houston. So, even if you wanted to leave the east coast, you’ll probably bump into a giant snail.

And if you remember, snails have teeth and will eat your car. And sometimes they fly and will eat your plane (if you are trying to fly to the west coast).

I don’t have any proof of flying snails, but I’m sure snails dream about flying. Are there any flying, shelled creatures? If not, I should invent one. Like a flying turtle. Oh! I think I have a new favorite imaginary (soon maginary) animal!

I’m off to put my shell and wings on.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

animals need tissues

Animals are getting sick. Maybe on purpose?

We had bird and piggy flu. Now we have to watch out for Seal Flu!

When it started with the birds, we thought it was a fluke ("fluke" as in accident, not the fish). Then the pigs got the flu, but it didn't seem too bad.

Now that seals want to give us the flu, a conspiracy arises. These animals are INFECTING THEMSELVES with the flu just to give us the sniffles!

Turtles don't do that. They actually try to avoid the flu by wearing little wool caps. Because they know how cute it looks.

Seals would look cute with wool caps, too. But they don't wear them. Because they want the flu.

Silly seals.

I think there are very few things that are cuter than turtles wearing little wool caps.

I also think that acorns don't get enough credit for growing into trees.

Did you know that it's good luck to put an acorn on your windowsill? It's supposed to protect you from getting struck by lightning. At least, that's what it did for Thor. I don't know why that matters to Thor, though. He can summon lightning, so I figure he can just unsummon it...right?

Maybe if I put some acorns in my nose and a wool cap on my head I won't get seal flu. Or struck by lightning.

Maybe that's not a good idea. Not after the marble incident.

Don't put marbles in your nose.

I'm off to find some acorns and wool.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

everybody ride the turtle

I love turtles. They're really cool. And super cute!

Plus, some of them become ninjas. Which is totally radalicious.

Also, 60 million years ago, they were cars!

Well, not cars, but as big as a small car. I have a small car (its name is Blue Kryptonite 360, if you didn't know). I love my small car.

But I would NOT complain if I drove to work every morning on a GIANT TURTLE!

These giant turtles also had giant jaws that could eat crocodiles!

Which is perfect because, like you, I'm always avoiding crocs on my drive to work in the morning.

So, in a perfect world, I would put on my driving scarf and my driving goggles, hop on my turtle, and zoom off to work. Without worrying about getting eaten by crocodiles.

Well...in a perfect world I would be the Mayor of Candy City. And the crocodiles would be chocolate. The turtle would not be, though. Because I don't want to drive candy. I want to eat it.

I like this world. Let's make it happen.

I'm off to do my candy mayoral-duties.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

countries at rock bottom prices!

I live in the United States of America. There are a bunch of states. Some unincorporated territories. A federal district. Decent places.

But what we really need is a Greece! We don't have one of those yet!

The European Union isn't happy with Greece. They're all, like, "You don't have any money to pay rent."

Greece isn't happy with the E.U. and they're all, "We want to be the minority! We don't need your austerity!" (Green Day reference. It's clever. Trust me. It might make one person laugh.)

(Parenthetical side note: I don't even know what the word austerity means. And I don't understand world economics. I never even heard of the European Union until this morning. But I do consider myself an expert in the subject.)

If Greece goes solo, the United States should pick it up! We can probably get it super cheap. And who doesn't love a deal? I think I saw it on groupon today, too! Even better!

Greece has some nice mountains. Beautiful islands! Seals and turtles live there in harmony! Why wouldn't you want to buy it?!

Cuz if you don't buy it, I will.

Greece: It's Hellas Good. (Look it up. That's another clever reference that nobody will get without doing some research. I think it's funny.)

I'm off to find more olympic sized jokes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj