house is closed

I saw this house the other day with a “Closed” sign on it.

Can they do that?! Can I just “Close” my house?! It's not like I'm the government and can shut down, right?!

Or am I? I could just put hours on my door when visitors are allowed!

Granted, I haven’t had a visitor to my home in…well…ever actually.

But it’s nice to think that if I ever NEEDED some privacy, that I could put a sign out there!

If I’m in an entertaining mood, I could just flip the sign around to say “Open” and everybody would come by!

Maybe that’s why nobody comes over. I don’t have a sign saying “Open” when I'm in a “let’s all watch Doctor Who and read comic books together” mood.

Hmmm…yeah, I’m pretty sure I'd still have no visitors.

Even with a “Closed” sign, I’d probably still go up to the house and look in the windows to see if anybody was there. I do that with stores. If there is a store that I REALLY want to go to, I’ll put my face right up to the window to make extra, super sure that nobody is there.

Don’t deny it! You’ve done it too! Like when you find a cupcake store and you’re really in the mood for a cake of cuppen! You’ll hope that even though they closed 3 hours earlier, the owner might still be in there making cupcakes for anybody willing to smoosh their face on the window!

Because you do that at your job, right? You stay extra late just hoping that you can work more for people who need your services long after your scheduled hours.

Maybe I should just get a hat that has a small “Open” and “Closed” sign on it. Maybe some hours as well. To let people know when I’m available for talkins.

It would be a cowboy hat. Because I would look cool in that.

I’m off to put a sign on my door.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

heating the pain away

I hurt myself the other day. I pulled something.

Well, I didn't actively pull something. Like a car out of a ditch. Or a sword out of a stone (even though I could totally do that). I hurt a muscle in my shoulder. (I'm totally muscular, too.) Probably tearing some of the tendons and stuff.

Whatever I did, it hurt. I decided to get a heating pad. I got this thing that I microwave and then rest it on my shoulder. It's awesome.

It's by Bed Buddy. With a teddy bear picture!

I love teddy bears. I totally respect a group that enjoys picnics. I mean, who goes on picnics?

Teddy bears do. I don't mean buying some food and then eating it outside. Teddy bears go full-on picnic. Blankets, baskets, dance, shout. And they literally do this all day. Until 6pm. Then their mommies and daddies get them home to bed.

Because, you know, they've just been hardcore picnicking for hours.

Then they rest and warm up torn muscles.

Also, my heating wrap thing smells like popcorn. Because I only use my microwave to heat up water, popcorn, and this Bed Buddy.

Too bad teddy bears don't smell like popcorn. That could be bad, though. When they're in the forest having a good picnic, the smell of popcorn might attract wildebeests. And you don't want them at a picnic. They're very rude and tend to eat all the cupcakes.

Stinky wildebeests. Go have your own picnic. With the toucans. They're meanies, too.

I'm off to warm my muscles.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

triple isn't very big

I love cotton balls! They're so useful! I mean, when you need something cottoned, then they can totally get the job done! Except they are too small!

I even buy the triple size cotton balls. TRIPLE! I can't imagine what single size cotton balls would look like. They're probably microscopic. As in, you would need four super strong microscopes to even SEE them.

Not even being overdramatic, either.

I wish they made them a little bit bigger. I know triple sounds great. Like, triple size cupcakes would be cool. But at that point, would they just become "cake?"

At what size does a cupcake become a cake? Are they related? I have seen giant cupcakes, but they look like cake. So are they the same? Are they different species in the Edible Kingdom?

Where in evolution did the cake and the cupcake split?

These are questions that are way above my head. I may have the occasional existential crisis in life, but this is TOO existential.

"Occasional Existential" would be a good name for a band, though.

Unfortunately, existentially and unexistentially speaking, I still don't have a solution to my cotton balls.

"The Cotton Ball Solution" would also be a cool name for a band. Or a book. About cupcakes. And bunnies. OH! Maybe they travel through time and save the world!

Or not...I really gotta stop watching so much Doctor Who.

I'm off to get bigger cotton balls.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

chimpanzees and orangutans are cool

Chimpanzees and orangutans are longly-named and adorable primates. Sadly, for these furry friends, they also have midlife crisiseses like their human cousins.

I've gone through many crisiseseses in my life. Because, really, you NEVER know when your ACTUAL middle of life will be! It's best to have a regular crisis every few years just to make sure you get that midlife one. Don't want to miss out!

Researchers questioned the chimps and orangs on how successful they felt. Apparently, they felt like they haven't achieved much in life. Still haven't paid off their tree mortgage. Still sitting at that rock answering phones all day. Going home to a bucket of food and an ipad left by their keepers.

What happened to your dreams?! Traveling the world! Being a movie star! Taking a woman up a building! Owning a small cupcakery in New York!

What happened to freedom!!!

I'll tell you what happened! SOCIETY...and tranquilizer darts from animal researchers...But mostly society!

If only these orangazees were allowed back into the wild, life would be fulfilling.

Actually, if humans were freed from the binds of the world and allowed to live in the wild, we would have a whole new world! A new fantastic point of view! (Now Aladdin is stuck in your head. Sorry.)

A world of freedom! A world of LIVING!

Do they have Doctor Who in the wild? I like that show. Maybe give me wild freedom and the BBC. That would be great.

I'm off to have a crisis.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the proper way to eat a cupcake

I saw something yesterday that told me I was eating cupcakes all wrong.

Here's what you're supposed to do. Rip off the bottom. Put it on top of the frosting. Then eat. So, it's like two "slices" of cupcake with frosting in the middle.

No. That is NOT how you eat a cupcake. THAT is how you eat a whoopie pie. If I wanted a whoopie pie, I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A WHOOPIE PIE!

Since I bought a cupcake, I will eat it LIKE A CUPCAKE SHOULD BE EATEN! Awkwardly bite it on the top or the side and get frosting on my face. Like it was meant to be!

I'm sorry to get so excited about this, but really, it's unnatural to eat a cupcake like a whoopie pie. THAT is why we make BOTH wonderful pastries!

Cupcake comes  from the words "cup" and "cake." Cup means: hand-held liquid holder. Cake means: fluffy, crumbly goodness topped with frosting.

One day, somebody didn't want to eat a whole cake, so they took their tin cup (in ye olde dayes, everybody had tin cups) and put all the cake ingredients in there. Baked it. Put frosting on it. And the cupcake was born.

That person's neighbor, Mr. Whoopie (the cupcake person's name is lost to history because the pastry is not named after them and if you don't get a pastry named after you, nobody will ever remember who you are), loved cake-food and frosting, but didn't like the mess. So he put frosting in the middle of two cakey items.

Today's lesson: if you want a whoopie pie, get one. If you want a cupcake, get one. If you want to eat your cupcake like a whoopie pie...hang your head in shame.

I'm off to cup my cake and whoopie my pie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj