gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

aquari-yum

An aquarium in Dallas decided to feed jellyfish some peanut butter for a while to see what happened.

Guess what DID happen! That’s right! Peanut Butter Jellyfish!

They put peanut butter into the tank with the jellyfish and after the jellyfish absorbed all the peanut buttery goodness, they grew up to be big and strong peanut butter jellyfish!

Why do this? Because jellyfish were always kinda jealous (jellyous?) of crabs. Crabs can be made into cake. Everybody loves cake.

So, jellyfish wanted to be made into a beloved food as well.

Who wouldn’t?

I mean, I’m sure you remember the “Mole v. Horse” decision of ’39. The big court case on where “guaca” would end up.

Horses settled on “radish,” but they have never been happy with it.

I know it seems like having the word “jelly” in their name already makes them pretty sweet. But do you ever just eat jelly plain out of the jar?

You do? Yeah…me too. And we are totally normal.

But they wanted something with a little more kick. And THAT is why scientists like to feed peanut butter to jellyfish!

I hear that they are going to start feeding mackerels some noodles and cheese. Mackereloni and Cheese might be the next display we see at the aquarium.

I’m off to put some butter in the halibut tank.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cake and vegetables

Happy National Carrot Cake Day! I am eating carrot cake right now. It is so good. Do you like carrot cake? Are you sure about that?

I was convinced that I did NOT like it. If you ever asked me to have a slice of carrot cake, I would have yelled, “Cake from a carrot?! Are you kidding?! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

And out loud, I would have said, “No thanks. I don’t like carrot cake.”

Well guess what! Both the loud voice inside my head and the voice that actually makes noises from my mouth would have been incorrect!

If you know me, you might have noticed that I’ve become a fan of pumpkin-related items lately. Like pie, muffins, cookies, and seeds. I distinctly remember not liking pumpkin pie as a kid. I can’t remember if I actually tried it, but I’m pretty sure I did. I’m also pretty sure I did not enjoy it.

Well, one day, my friend gave me a pumpkin cookie and I LOVED IT! So, I decided to retry some foods.

Because, as Shakespeare said, “doth not the appetite alter?” Apparently it doth! It dothed all over the place!

Feeling love for the pumpkins, I decided to try carrot cake again. Thank the good bard I did! It’s fantastic!

I mean, I love carrots. I literally eat them every day. And that’s not a “literally” that really means “figuratively.” It’s a very literal literally. Literally.

So why aren’t there other vegetable cakes? I love broccoli and peppers. Where are they?

OH! Just looked online and found that there is a beetroot cake AND a parsnip cake!

Parsnip is a fun word. Give me a minute. I’m going to say it a bunch of times.

…

Ok, back. And ready to get my cakes from vegetables! You should too! If you haven’t tried a food for a while, give it a shot. When I said I would die before eating carrot cake, I did not think I should live till I were caked with carrots!

I’m off to butcher more Shakespeare.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

my dishwashing oven

Using the dishwasher to cook food is a thing. A real thing that people actually do. Look it up. I wish I could say it’s one of the random ideas I had that nobody should take seriously! But it’s not! It’s a real idea that people take for seriously reals!

They will actually use the dishwasher to cook food!

There are many recipes online for this! The most popular one seems to be salmon. Which, according to smart people, it basically poaches the salmon.

If you don’t know what poaching is, it’s what happens when you use hot water, steam, and dish detergent to cook food. People used to do it in 1887. Then they realized that it was gross and stopped in 1888.

There ARE other things you can cook in the dishwasher. Like lasagna! Just wrap it in tin foil and you have an authentic Italian dinner!

I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t this a waste of energy? YES! It is! UNLESS you fill the dishwasher with dishes first. Which you can do, as long as your food is in airtight containers.

That is how you cook in a dishwasher.

I would like to bake a cake and some cookies in the dishwasher. Because I want them to come out creamy and soft. Like the salmon. But tasting less like salmon and more like cookie-cake.

I don’t actually have a dishwasher. I just have a small oven. I DO have a sink AND a bottle of dish soap. So, I’m going to cook salmon in the sink tonight.

You should come over and try it. I’m sure it will be poach-a-licous.

After that, I’ll throw some cookie dough in the sink for a while for dessert.

My sink-dinner will blow you away! And by “blow you away,” I mean “make you sick and send you to the hospital.”

Practically the same thing.

I’m off to poach a dishwasher.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

triple isn't very big

I love cotton balls! They're so useful! I mean, when you need something cottoned, then they can totally get the job done! Except they are too small!

I even buy the triple size cotton balls. TRIPLE! I can't imagine what single size cotton balls would look like. They're probably microscopic. As in, you would need four super strong microscopes to even SEE them.

Not even being overdramatic, either.

I wish they made them a little bit bigger. I know triple sounds great. Like, triple size cupcakes would be cool. But at that point, would they just become "cake?"

At what size does a cupcake become a cake? Are they related? I have seen giant cupcakes, but they look like cake. So are they the same? Are they different species in the Edible Kingdom?

Where in evolution did the cake and the cupcake split?

These are questions that are way above my head. I may have the occasional existential crisis in life, but this is TOO existential.

"Occasional Existential" would be a good name for a band, though.

Unfortunately, existentially and unexistentially speaking, I still don't have a solution to my cotton balls.

"The Cotton Ball Solution" would also be a cool name for a band. Or a book. About cupcakes. And bunnies. OH! Maybe they travel through time and save the world!

Or not...I really gotta stop watching so much Doctor Who.

I'm off to get bigger cotton balls.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tires shouldn't do this

I don't know much about cars, but I'm PRETTY sure tires are not supposed to get all woobly when you are driving. And if they do, should you keep driving? Even if they unwooble?

I was driving the other day. On the highway. Or freeway. Or parkway. Or motorway. Or autobahn. I actually don't know if there is a difference with any of those words. Pick your favorite.

I was driving. It was a road. I was not woobling. Everybody was going pretty fast. One car on this road started to slow down because their front wheels were NOT going straight. They were totally wobbling! Like crazy!

This car slows down a little. Then the wheels magically straighten out! So they speed off again!

If my tires EVER got possessed like that, I would stop in the middle of the road and trade my car with somebody who did NOT have wobble-wheels!

I've never seen anything like it.

I've also never seen anything like a giant cake falling from the sky and landing in my arms.

(I'm hoping that "things I've never seen before" start becoming "things I have seen and will possibly eat")

...

No cake yet. I'll wait. I mean, I saw the wibbly, wobbly, woobly wheels. I SHOULD be seeing that cake soon.

It would be cool if car tires were also cake. And instead of air, you filled it with cotton candy. A cotton candy filled cake-tire sounds delicioustastic.

I'm off to taste my tires.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj