time comes to you

Why travel to the future when you can make the future come to you! A man in Tehran claims he created a kinda, sorta time machine.

It doesn't really flux capacitate. More like flux caprintout...itate...

Ali has created the "Aryayek Time Traveling Machine." It will tell you what will happen to you in the next 5-8 years of your life. Using "complex algorithms."

I will also tell you what will happen in the next 10 years of your life. Using algorithms of complexion.

Find me in 10 years and let's check on my accuracy.

Know why we don't have access to this AMAZING device yet?! He says that "the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight."

Which, granted, is probably true. So you can't blame the guy.

But who cares about that?! I travel in time at least twice a year! I'll go forward and backwards one FULL HOUR. It's crazy. I really can't explain it. My phone will just pop forward an hour or back an hour sometimes!

My phone is amazing! It takes pictures and plays music and texts AND takes me through time!

I may have a time travel app. I don't remember finding that at the app store, but time travel may or may not have messed up my memory.

Also, many blows to the head may or may not have messed up my intelligence. So says my anesthesiologist. Wait...no...maybe it was the neurosthesiologist?

I can't remember.

I'm off to fall back in time.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

leave a message

I read something the other day about the new etiquette required for use with your mobile phone. Or "cell" phone, as the kids call it. And adults. And non-age specific people who like the word "cell."

The deal is this: If you call, don't leave a message unless it is SUPER important. Otherwise, the other person will see that you called and call you back. Or, after calling and getting to voicemail, hang up and text the voicemail message you WOULD have left.

Because reading a text takes less time than calling your voicemail and putting in your password and listening to the voicemail.

This way, you won't be a burden to the other person. Because leaving messages is rude and totally uncalled (pun intended) for these days.

Yet, only a few years ago, people would LOVE to get messages and voicemails! Not a burden at all getting to hear your friends! In fact, it was a small treat in the day! Now your voice is hindering their Facebook time!

How rude of you!

One of the (possibly many) reasons I don't have friends might be due to my voicemail messages. I leave long ones. LONG. The voicemail cuts me off. Then I call back to leave PART 2 of my message. Sometimes, but not often, requiring a trilogy of messages!

THAT is how you know I care about you. I'm willing to spend the time to rant and rave about absolutely nothing for 3 voicemail messages.

Currently, nobody calls me back. And generally text me to never call again.

I may have to rethink my methods. Instead of calling, I'll just text you with my message. Now you'll just have to get 30 texts at a time from me.

I'm just trying to be etiquettey. Because I'm a gentleman like that.

I'm off to mail a voice and text.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

words with squid

A lot of people have mobile devices. Phones to play Words with Friends. Tablets to play Words with Friends. Scrabble boards to play Words with Friends.

Wait...maybe not that last one...

With all this need to play with words, the world needs to keep making mobile devices! And one is clearly not enough! That is why they predict that by the end of the year, there will be more mobile devices than humans.

That's right, it's our own fault that machines are taking over the world! You have no reason to get upset when they figure out how to laser you and control your brain. It's your own fault. Because you love friends and words.

Luckily, I'm prepared. When all your phones and tablets start sprouting legs and arms and lasers and flame throwers, I have a team of squid ready to fight back.

Not just any squid, FLYING squid. These things squirt water to propel themselves out of the ocean. Then fly, like, 100 feet!

With that kind of water pressure, they could totally just aim their squirters at the army of iPads and take them all down!

Unless computers figure out how to waterproof themselves.

Or if they buy raincoats.

I guess I didn't plan this too well. I should probably train the squid with some ninja moves, too.

I'm off to get 48 points on a triple word square with "squid."

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

trees, not birds

I know birds love trees. And that's great. I love trees. I have never made a nest in a tree, but I still love them.

Today is Arbor Day! And for some reason, people celebrate Bird Day at the same time!

Bird Day is NOT until May 4! PLEASE LET ARBOR CELEBRATE ALONE!

It's brutally unfair to arbors to throw birds into their day.

How would you like it if your birthday came a week before National Phone Day and all day long people put them together and were, like, "Tell your phone I said hello!"

"Oh, yeah...happy birthwhatever..."

How does that feel? Not good.

Do you want our perennial woody plants to feel that way?

I didn't think so.

So make sure you bring a little gift out for every tree you see today. Give it a hug and let it know how much you love it.

Buy expensive gifts, too. Like...diamonds...and candy. And let me know where all these trees are so I can...um...make sure the trees get their gifts and nobody steals it.

I'm just trying to do my part. Protecting the trees.

And don't say anything nice to birds today. They get their day next week. They can wait. Impatient, hollow-boned wing flappers...

I'm off to picnic with a tree.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj