law & order: sgu - special geese unit

China is using geese to fight crime. I’m not kidding. The police are totally for it. I guess it saves them money from actually…um…having to go out and do policey stuff?

They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”

Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”

The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”

I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.

Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.

I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.

Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.

It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.

So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.

Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.

I’m off to join the geese police.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that was an odd day: part one

I don't usually notice too much in a day. Well, I suppose I notice a lot of things. But nothing that really stands out. Yesterday had quite a few...um...stand-outish things.

I was at the Super Market buying lots of YUMMY foods. I believe this market is super because it came from another planet and our sun gives it super powers. Even though the website doesn't say that, I'm sure it's true.

I was waiting to purchase my citrus and bread and coffee when a small child walked into my line. I'm not sure if the child had a parent, but if it did, the parent was not visible. This line had candy and toys in it. Nothing big, just little things. This young child took a bag of toys and began stuffing it down the back of his pants!

At first, I thought, "The back of the pants?! Really?! Is that where you want your stolen toys to be?" Then I remembered reading many stories of people getting taken to jail and doing the same thing. Mostly with illegal substances. And again, I generally ask, "Is that where you want your illegal substances to be?"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if he was planning on stealing these toys because he didn't actually stuff the whole thing down his pants. Just the top part. So when he walked away it was more like a "tail." Clearly visible to anybody behind him. Like a "toy tail."

He may or may not have known that I saw this whole thing. He was wearing sweat pants, so it could have just been an easy place to put them due to a lack of pockets. Sometimes when I wear sweat pants, I...okay, I don't own a pair of sweat pants, so I can't even seriously make a joke about them.

Then I thought that it might be okay to carry things that way! So I took my loaf of bread and stuffed part of it into the back of my pants. And let me tell you, having a "bread tail" is probably the most empowering thing you will ever do!

Except when hungry geese are nearby. Then...it's not so great.

This has already gone on too long and that was only PART of my day! I'm not sure if you want to know the rest of it, but it's coming anyway!

I'm off to buy some sweat pants.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj