Did you know that Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees? It's true! They said, "Do you know how cold it is?! Ach! I am not going out there!"
I'm pretty sure "Ach" is a common German saying. I don't know anybody who IS German. But I did play a German woman once in a play. So, technically, I'm an expert in Germanology.
Due to this lack of desire to freeze their spritzes off, they made some fake trees. Out of goose feathers.
I don't know much about geese. They may or may not enjoy a defeathering. I never have a problem when I get MY defeathering done, but I'm not a goose.
They took these goose feathers and dyed them. I'm guessing green, but that isn't in the story. I actually kinda hope that they dyed them all sorts of different colors. Because that would be so pretty!
Imagine having a soft and fluffy rainbow Christmas tree! THAT is what I call a Christmas miracle!
Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, your rainbow feathers amaze me.
It's ok for you to sing that. It's a new holiday classic.
If you don't have a goose, you might as well just make a tree out of cotton candy. Any color would work. I like pink. Then you can eat the tree. And build a new one. Then eat that one, too.
Or, if you're in Germany, Das Butterbrot might be a good alternative.
I'm off to dampfnudel. Ach.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Showing posts with label goose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goose. Show all posts
Monday, December 9, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
law & order: sgu - special geese unit
China is using geese to fight crime. I’m not kidding. The police are totally for it. I guess it saves them money from actually…um…having to go out and do policey stuff?
They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”
Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”
The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”
I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.
Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.
I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.
Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.
It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.
So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.
Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.
I’m off to join the geese police.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”
Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”
The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”
I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.
Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.
I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.
Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.
It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.
So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.
Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.
I’m off to join the geese police.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Sunday, December 23, 2012
christmas letter review
Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year. I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! Tomorrow you will see my year of 2012, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last two years. Because my life continues FOREVER! It's, like, a Never Ending Story! So below, I put 2010 and 2011 with hopes that it will help you understand 2012. So curl up with your Luck Dragon and enjoy!
christmas letter 2010
So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!
So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.
In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.
I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.
Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.
An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.
I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.
The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.
The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.
As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.
I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.
He said, “Why are you smiling?”
I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”
He said back, “And what is it.”
I said, “I am not left handed.”
BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.
And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?
Until next year.
THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.
I'm off to take a break and celebrate.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
____________
christmas letter 2011
What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!
It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.
So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?
Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.
Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.
Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.
This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.
Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.
After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.
It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!
This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.
Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.
We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.
And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...
I'm off to take break from farming.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
christmas letter 2010
So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!
So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.
In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.
I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.
Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.
An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.
I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.
The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.
The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.
As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.
I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.
He said, “Why are you smiling?”
I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”
He said back, “And what is it.”
I said, “I am not left handed.”
BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.
And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?
Until next year.
THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.
I'm off to take a break and celebrate.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
____________
christmas letter 2011
What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!
It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.
So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?
Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.
Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.
Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.
This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.
Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.
After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.
It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!
This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.
Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.
We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.
And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...
I'm off to take break from farming.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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