Have you ever heard of Paul Hellyer? He was the Canadian Minister of National Defense in the 1960s. He says that “at least 4 known alien species have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.”
That’s right! I guess he’s been talking about it for years, but for some reason people aren’t buying it.
How could you NOT?! He was a minister! Of defense! He probably had lunch with aliens all the time!
He said that there’s a whole federation of aliens out there that are generally good folks. But they won’t interfere with species that aren’t in their federation.
Yes, I know, he stole the premise of Star Trek and the Prime Directive. But still! That doesn’t mean it’s not true!
So they just watch us from one of Saturn’s moons to see what we do next. Because that’s where they hang out. I don’t know why.
He also said that aliens have visited and offered to help us take care of the planet. They won’t force us to do anything because, you know, the Prime Directive, but they are worried about how we treat the planet. So they came by years ago and said, “Hey, we see that you’re kinda messing up this nice place. We would love to help out. Saturn’s moons are pretty bland. We would much rather use this planet as a vacation spot. I mean, just look at Aruba!”
That may or may not have been the EXACT transcript. I wasn’t there. But I’m a pretty good maker-upper of totally accurate history.
Oh! And he also says that there are two species of aliens on Earth RIGHT NOW. They have jobs in the United States government!
Lucky. Do you know the benefits you get with a government job?! They probably get to use the government's spaceships for free and just have to log the light years.
Why can’t I be an alien? Are there any government positions open on Saturn’s moons? I’m willing to travel.
I’m off to check the Titan section of craigslist.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Showing posts with label canada. Show all posts
Showing posts with label canada. Show all posts
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
cheese on wood
I don’t know much about cheese. I don’t really eat it very often. I have nothing AGAINST cheese. I just don’t spend a lot of time with it.
But I know that some people do! And for you, this could be scary! The FDA is “concerned” about wood-aged cheese.
Apparently, some artisan cheeses are ripened on wooden boards. They use wood because there’s something about it being porous and allowing the perfect amount of moisture and bacteria to ripen the cheese. (Spruce and Ash are good wood choices for your cheese making.)
Well, the FDA is worried that a BAD bacteria is going to get into cheese, as well. Listeria.
Wooden cheese lovers are not happy about this, so they are trying to figure out if this is really a problem. And THAT is where Arthur Hill comes in!
Arthur is a food scientist who studies cheese at the University of Guelph in Canada.
That’s right! There’s a place called Guelph! Where you can rent a bike! See the Donkey Sanctuary! And enjoy the Just for Cats Internet Cat Video Festival!
You can also learn about cheese! Because that’s what Arthur does! He’s a cheese scientist. Which is real. I mean, there’s a science for everything, and cheeses has all sorts of molds and bacteria and curdles, so it seems like a study full of culture. (HA!)
Now, I found this story online. How does one even FIND a cheese scientist? Maybe that’s why I’m not a journalist. I wouldn’t even know where to look for that.
Well, I suppose I know now. The Dairy Building in Guelph.
Professor Hill says the FDA might be overreacting. Though, he might not really care because he’s in Canada and the FDA doesn’t really tell him what to do. Also, he might be distracted by the Cat Video Festival.
I’m off to visit the donkeys.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
But I know that some people do! And for you, this could be scary! The FDA is “concerned” about wood-aged cheese.
Apparently, some artisan cheeses are ripened on wooden boards. They use wood because there’s something about it being porous and allowing the perfect amount of moisture and bacteria to ripen the cheese. (Spruce and Ash are good wood choices for your cheese making.)
Well, the FDA is worried that a BAD bacteria is going to get into cheese, as well. Listeria.
Wooden cheese lovers are not happy about this, so they are trying to figure out if this is really a problem. And THAT is where Arthur Hill comes in!
Arthur is a food scientist who studies cheese at the University of Guelph in Canada.
That’s right! There’s a place called Guelph! Where you can rent a bike! See the Donkey Sanctuary! And enjoy the Just for Cats Internet Cat Video Festival!
You can also learn about cheese! Because that’s what Arthur does! He’s a cheese scientist. Which is real. I mean, there’s a science for everything, and cheeses has all sorts of molds and bacteria and curdles, so it seems like a study full of culture. (HA!)
Now, I found this story online. How does one even FIND a cheese scientist? Maybe that’s why I’m not a journalist. I wouldn’t even know where to look for that.
Well, I suppose I know now. The Dairy Building in Guelph.
Professor Hill says the FDA might be overreacting. Though, he might not really care because he’s in Canada and the FDA doesn’t really tell him what to do. Also, he might be distracted by the Cat Video Festival.
I’m off to visit the donkeys.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, May 5, 2014
canada lost some gravity
Turns out the Hudson Bay in Canada misplaced some of its gravity. It’s true! They’re not quite as serious as the rest of the world!
HA! That’s funny. Sort of.
Anyway, this lack of gravity IS real. I guess if you weighed 150 pounds here, you would lose 1/10th of an ounce on the Hudson Bay.
It has something to do with Ice Age glaciers and magma. It created an area with less mass making your gravitational pull there slightly weaker.
The actual studies are pretty cool and have to do with some satellites measuring gravity while cruising around the Earth. Yes! Stuff in space is measuring your weight to the tenth of an ounce! How cool is that?!
That’s like me looking at a fruit fly and telling you what it’s thinking every second!
They think about fruit most of the time. Sometimes they think about their short time on this planet and hope to do something of value with the few days they have to experience a sunrise and love and how they can make the world a better place to live and try to make their children happy.
Then they just think about fruit again.
Now, if you want to weigh a tiny bit less, you could move there. But it’s not super warm. The average temperature is -5 degrees Celsius. That’s, like, 23 degrees Fahrenheit.
You’ll have to wear 50 heavy jackets, but the lack of gravity will make them feel slightly lighter!
And if you’re trying to cut back on your salt intake, the Hudson Bay might be for you! The bay’s water has a lower salinity level.
You know, because without the gravity keeping that salt in the water, it just floats away into space. (That is not a scientifically accurate explanation why.)
Also, as a side note, gravity is lighter in my car. I know that because my radio clock keeps speeding up. Clearly the only explanation is gravitational time dilation. And my many travels to the Hudson Bay.
I’m off to think about fruit.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
HA! That’s funny. Sort of.
Anyway, this lack of gravity IS real. I guess if you weighed 150 pounds here, you would lose 1/10th of an ounce on the Hudson Bay.
It has something to do with Ice Age glaciers and magma. It created an area with less mass making your gravitational pull there slightly weaker.
The actual studies are pretty cool and have to do with some satellites measuring gravity while cruising around the Earth. Yes! Stuff in space is measuring your weight to the tenth of an ounce! How cool is that?!
That’s like me looking at a fruit fly and telling you what it’s thinking every second!
They think about fruit most of the time. Sometimes they think about their short time on this planet and hope to do something of value with the few days they have to experience a sunrise and love and how they can make the world a better place to live and try to make their children happy.
Then they just think about fruit again.
Now, if you want to weigh a tiny bit less, you could move there. But it’s not super warm. The average temperature is -5 degrees Celsius. That’s, like, 23 degrees Fahrenheit.
You’ll have to wear 50 heavy jackets, but the lack of gravity will make them feel slightly lighter!
And if you’re trying to cut back on your salt intake, the Hudson Bay might be for you! The bay’s water has a lower salinity level.
You know, because without the gravity keeping that salt in the water, it just floats away into space. (That is not a scientifically accurate explanation why.)
Also, as a side note, gravity is lighter in my car. I know that because my radio clock keeps speeding up. Clearly the only explanation is gravitational time dilation. And my many travels to the Hudson Bay.
I’m off to think about fruit.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, January 3, 2014
go home text, you’re drunk
Scientists in Canada have successfully sent a text message...using vodka! This is totally true!
Now you don’t even have to drink to send a drunken text message! “Science: Making texts from last night more efficient!”
They texted “O Canada” across a room. 4 meters in fact! If you don’t know what a meter is, it’s like a Canadian yardstick.
They entered the letters. Then used a spray bottle full of vodka to spray the text in binary code. Then a little fan got the vodka across the room to the receiver.
I never said it was high tech. They only had $100 and a bottle of vodka. It’s not like anybody was going to fund this project.
Though, I know people who would have a VERY different night if they only had $100 and a bottle of vodka.
At least with the Canadian scientists, I don’t have to pick them up from the carousel at the county fair at 3AM.
This all leads me to believe that Canada needs better mobile phone service. I don’t know what Verizon or ATT are doing, but they clearly aren’t putting up enough towers there.
But if Absolut needs a business partner, I’m pretty sure that we’d do pretty well setting up a bunch of cell towers that sprayed vodka.
I’m off to pick up my friend. He’s stuck in a trunk. An elephant’s trunk. Again.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Now you don’t even have to drink to send a drunken text message! “Science: Making texts from last night more efficient!”
They texted “O Canada” across a room. 4 meters in fact! If you don’t know what a meter is, it’s like a Canadian yardstick.
They entered the letters. Then used a spray bottle full of vodka to spray the text in binary code. Then a little fan got the vodka across the room to the receiver.
I never said it was high tech. They only had $100 and a bottle of vodka. It’s not like anybody was going to fund this project.
Though, I know people who would have a VERY different night if they only had $100 and a bottle of vodka.
At least with the Canadian scientists, I don’t have to pick them up from the carousel at the county fair at 3AM.
This all leads me to believe that Canada needs better mobile phone service. I don’t know what Verizon or ATT are doing, but they clearly aren’t putting up enough towers there.
But if Absolut needs a business partner, I’m pretty sure that we’d do pretty well setting up a bunch of cell towers that sprayed vodka.
I’m off to pick up my friend. He’s stuck in a trunk. An elephant’s trunk. Again.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, December 16, 2013
doorknobs and broomsticks
I had no idea that doorknobs were complicated objects...in Canada.
In Vancouver, the town has decided that every building should only be opened with levers INSTEAD of knobs.
And while both words are fun to say, Vancouver isn’t big enough for both of them. Even though it IS the eighth largest municipality in Canada. The seventh largest, Winnipeg, is still big enough for both knobs and levers. Brampton, on the other hand, at ninth largest, doesn’t even know what a knob is.
They might not even know what a door is. I never asked.
So why the big hoopla over doorknobs?! I guess people don’t like them. Some find them hard to use. I don’t know what’s going on in Canada to make doorknobs hard to turn, but somebody MIGHT be making them incorrectly.
What I do agree with is the decision to change all sinks and shower faucets as well. Because if I had a doorknob on those, it might be hard to turn when things get wet. Which sometimes happens around sinks and showers.
Well, at my sink and shower. I don’t know what YOU do around your sinks and showers, but I have lots of water.
Perhaps you just use sand. In that case, turning shouldn’t be a problem.
So unless Vancouverinians are making doorknobs out of butter and grease, they should be ok.
Oh…they are? Really? That’s…an odd choice for doorknob material.
Well then! Problem solved! Let’s lever this place up!
I’m off to turn the knob.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
In Vancouver, the town has decided that every building should only be opened with levers INSTEAD of knobs.
And while both words are fun to say, Vancouver isn’t big enough for both of them. Even though it IS the eighth largest municipality in Canada. The seventh largest, Winnipeg, is still big enough for both knobs and levers. Brampton, on the other hand, at ninth largest, doesn’t even know what a knob is.
They might not even know what a door is. I never asked.
So why the big hoopla over doorknobs?! I guess people don’t like them. Some find them hard to use. I don’t know what’s going on in Canada to make doorknobs hard to turn, but somebody MIGHT be making them incorrectly.
What I do agree with is the decision to change all sinks and shower faucets as well. Because if I had a doorknob on those, it might be hard to turn when things get wet. Which sometimes happens around sinks and showers.
Well, at my sink and shower. I don’t know what YOU do around your sinks and showers, but I have lots of water.
Perhaps you just use sand. In that case, turning shouldn’t be a problem.
So unless Vancouverinians are making doorknobs out of butter and grease, they should be ok.
Oh…they are? Really? That’s…an odd choice for doorknob material.
Well then! Problem solved! Let’s lever this place up!
I’m off to turn the knob.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, November 18, 2013
shoot my suit
Is being a professional-type person dangerous? I don’t really know what “professional” people do. I know they wear suits. I know this because I’ve seen it on TV.
See, on TV, people put on suits and carry leather lunch boxes (which, for some reason, contain papers and boring stuff instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) to an office where they sit and look at computers.
It never SEEMED dangerous. But it must be! Some guy in Canada (yay Canada!) made a suit using carbon nanotubes under the fabric to make the suit bulletproof! It can stop bullets and knife blades.
What is going on at your office?! I’ve heard that business can be a “dog eat dog” world, but really, stop making paper clips into shivs! This is not civilized behavior!
I suppose this would be good if you’re a spy like James Bond.
If this IS an issue, why only suits? I understand women can also wear suits, but it seems like they should also have more female-oriented fashions. Unless women don’t shoot each other at work.
I DO know that Black Widow would probably wear something like this. Maybe some evening wear.
Luckily, I don’t have this problem at work. If I did, I would ask for a bulletproof cardigan and cargo pants.
Yes, I only wear clothes that begin with the letter C. C is for Cool. And I’m Cool like that.
It’s too bad bulletproof clothes can’t protect you from bad, alphabetical jokes.
Maybe I’ll become a comedian and ONLY do alphabetical jokes. It will be funny (no, it won’t) AND educational for toddlers!
OH! I just thought of something! Bulletproof mittens! So I can catch bullets! How awesome would that be!
I’m off to learn the alphabet.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
See, on TV, people put on suits and carry leather lunch boxes (which, for some reason, contain papers and boring stuff instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) to an office where they sit and look at computers.
It never SEEMED dangerous. But it must be! Some guy in Canada (yay Canada!) made a suit using carbon nanotubes under the fabric to make the suit bulletproof! It can stop bullets and knife blades.
What is going on at your office?! I’ve heard that business can be a “dog eat dog” world, but really, stop making paper clips into shivs! This is not civilized behavior!
I suppose this would be good if you’re a spy like James Bond.
If this IS an issue, why only suits? I understand women can also wear suits, but it seems like they should also have more female-oriented fashions. Unless women don’t shoot each other at work.
I DO know that Black Widow would probably wear something like this. Maybe some evening wear.
Luckily, I don’t have this problem at work. If I did, I would ask for a bulletproof cardigan and cargo pants.
Yes, I only wear clothes that begin with the letter C. C is for Cool. And I’m Cool like that.
It’s too bad bulletproof clothes can’t protect you from bad, alphabetical jokes.
Maybe I’ll become a comedian and ONLY do alphabetical jokes. It will be funny (no, it won’t) AND educational for toddlers!
OH! I just thought of something! Bulletproof mittens! So I can catch bullets! How awesome would that be!
I’m off to learn the alphabet.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
more canadian currency
Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.
A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!
Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”
Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!
The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.
The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.
These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!
It will be so much fun!
Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”
Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”
Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”
Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”
Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.
I’m off to syrup my maple.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!
Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”
Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!
The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.
The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.
These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!
It will be so much fun!
Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”
Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”
Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”
Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”
Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.
I’m off to syrup my maple.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Thursday, September 19, 2013
candy, catsup, coins, and canada
What’s up with this?! How come all the good stuff happens in Canada?!
Seriously. I mean, I’ve praised Canada a million times for the amazing candy they sell there.
Sugar is practically the major food group in these United States! (At least, it is for me. It should be for you, too.) But for some reason, you can’t find a Wunderbar or a Coffee Crisp here. I have NO idea why.
Editor’s Note: If you never had a Wunderbar, find one. Imagine a Butterfinger and a Caramello having a baby. THAT is a Wunderbar. Also known as heaven.
Another Editor's Note: It's not a real baby. Don't eat babies.
If we’re not eating candy, we’re probably having potato chips. Lately, I’ve seen more and more catsup/ketchup chips in the United States. But I couldn’t find them for years. And even now that I CAN find them, none taste as good as the Canadian ones.
It’s weird that it took so long. I mean, we put catsup/ketchup on fries all the time. Why not chips?
But I digress. More than usual. The REAL reason I’m alliterating my headline comes down to money. Specifically…coins. Even morer specificallyer…Superman.
Canada is minting Superman coins! For his 75th birthday! Why isn’t the United States doing this?
If you don’t know, Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Joe was born in Toronto, but Jerry was born in Cleveland! And Superman was created in Cleveland!
I think it’s only fitting to put Superman on every denomination of our currency. Presidents on bills are lame. Supermans on bills is AWESOME.
Can I order Superman coins from Canada? Sure. Would I rather get Superman from my ATM. YES!
At least Canada knows how to mint money!
I’m off to make it minter.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Seriously. I mean, I’ve praised Canada a million times for the amazing candy they sell there.
Sugar is practically the major food group in these United States! (At least, it is for me. It should be for you, too.) But for some reason, you can’t find a Wunderbar or a Coffee Crisp here. I have NO idea why.
Editor’s Note: If you never had a Wunderbar, find one. Imagine a Butterfinger and a Caramello having a baby. THAT is a Wunderbar. Also known as heaven.
Another Editor's Note: It's not a real baby. Don't eat babies.
If we’re not eating candy, we’re probably having potato chips. Lately, I’ve seen more and more catsup/ketchup chips in the United States. But I couldn’t find them for years. And even now that I CAN find them, none taste as good as the Canadian ones.
It’s weird that it took so long. I mean, we put catsup/ketchup on fries all the time. Why not chips?
But I digress. More than usual. The REAL reason I’m alliterating my headline comes down to money. Specifically…coins. Even morer specificallyer…Superman.
Canada is minting Superman coins! For his 75th birthday! Why isn’t the United States doing this?
If you don’t know, Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Joe was born in Toronto, but Jerry was born in Cleveland! And Superman was created in Cleveland!
I think it’s only fitting to put Superman on every denomination of our currency. Presidents on bills are lame. Supermans on bills is AWESOME.
Can I order Superman coins from Canada? Sure. Would I rather get Superman from my ATM. YES!
At least Canada knows how to mint money!
I’m off to make it minter.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
law & order: sgu - special geese unit
China is using geese to fight crime. I’m not kidding. The police are totally for it. I guess it saves them money from actually…um…having to go out and do policey stuff?
They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”
Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”
The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”
I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.
Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.
I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.
Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.
It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.
So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.
Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.
I’m off to join the geese police.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”
Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”
The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”
I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.
Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.
I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.
Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.
It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.
So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.
Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.
I’m off to join the geese police.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, July 12, 2013
coffee in kandahar
Our troops need coffee! Well, not our troops, but Canada’s troops!
Wait…our troops need coffee too! I’m writing this in the United States, in case you didn’t know. Canada is north of me.
I don’t know much about the military. One of the military departments called me when I started looking into college. Maybe it was the Army? National Guard? I can’t remember. But they asked if I ever thought about joining. I told them that I probably wouldn’t be too good at it.
If you ever meet me, you’ll see why. I’m not very strong. I don’t even have the potential to be strong. I told them that.
They asked me what I liked to do, so I told them that I like to write. The guy on the phone said that they have a newspaper I could work on!
Can you imagine what our military would be like if I wrote for them?! Go ahead, read a few of these “articles” I write. Now, imagine these being written for our troops.
I’m pretty sure I’d be fired. Fast. That, or the world would think we’re fighting evil lightning wizards, laserbots, and diamond dragons every week on the Death Star. (Which we are, but they’re keeping it a secret.)
Untangently speaking, Canada has a coffee chain called “Tim Hortons.” That's Canadian for "Coffee." It’s pretty huge there. Turns out, they put some Tim Hortons with the Canadian troops in Kandahar! They were hoping to build more of them for future missions, but a spokesperson said they were “no longer required.”
WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense! Coffee and donuts “no longer required?” Sounds to me like the enemy has infiltrated from within!
Laserbots have taken over the Canadian military and plans on eating all the donuts and drinking all the coffee for themselves leaving the troops to be drowsy and unsugared!
Then evil will win the war! I should have done my civic duty and joined the Canadian’s military newspaper. Then this wouldn’t be happening. I’d be, like, the Lois Lane of the Canadian military. Wait…I meant to say Clark Kent. Not Lois. I really need to fix my “Backspace” button.
I’m off to enlist some coffee.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wait…our troops need coffee too! I’m writing this in the United States, in case you didn’t know. Canada is north of me.
I don’t know much about the military. One of the military departments called me when I started looking into college. Maybe it was the Army? National Guard? I can’t remember. But they asked if I ever thought about joining. I told them that I probably wouldn’t be too good at it.
If you ever meet me, you’ll see why. I’m not very strong. I don’t even have the potential to be strong. I told them that.
They asked me what I liked to do, so I told them that I like to write. The guy on the phone said that they have a newspaper I could work on!
Can you imagine what our military would be like if I wrote for them?! Go ahead, read a few of these “articles” I write. Now, imagine these being written for our troops.
I’m pretty sure I’d be fired. Fast. That, or the world would think we’re fighting evil lightning wizards, laserbots, and diamond dragons every week on the Death Star. (Which we are, but they’re keeping it a secret.)
Untangently speaking, Canada has a coffee chain called “Tim Hortons.” That's Canadian for "Coffee." It’s pretty huge there. Turns out, they put some Tim Hortons with the Canadian troops in Kandahar! They were hoping to build more of them for future missions, but a spokesperson said they were “no longer required.”
WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense! Coffee and donuts “no longer required?” Sounds to me like the enemy has infiltrated from within!
Laserbots have taken over the Canadian military and plans on eating all the donuts and drinking all the coffee for themselves leaving the troops to be drowsy and unsugared!
Then evil will win the war! I should have done my civic duty and joined the Canadian’s military newspaper. Then this wouldn’t be happening. I’d be, like, the Lois Lane of the Canadian military. Wait…I meant to say Clark Kent. Not Lois. I really need to fix my “Backspace” button.
I’m off to enlist some coffee.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, June 10, 2013
phone home atari
There’s an urban legend of a treasure. A treasure that would make pirates scream like a giddy girl on pizza day. A treasure that would make tigers purr like kittens in teacups! A treasure that would make gold coins look like a pile of yellow underwear lint!
A landfill where it is rumored Atari dumped a bunch of cruddy video games (mostly E.T.) in 1983!
I had an Atari 2600. It rocked. I also had the E.T. video game! I’m not sure if it belonged to me or my brother. It most likely belonged to my brother because he was older and smarter and had a job building a time machine for the government when we were kids, so he had lots of money to throw around.
At least, that’s what he told me. If I disagreed, he would beat me up. I generally agreed.
I can still remember TO THIS DAY that I could NOT understand what to do in E.T. AT ALL. I guess nobody else could figure it out because it is considered one of the worst video games of all time! Atari was so embarrassed by it that they took E.T. (and possibly a bunch of other awful games) and secretly dumped them into a landfill in southern New Mexico.
The story says that 10-20 trucks FILLED with games were buried with hopes that they would just die a quiet death there.
NO SUCH LUCK! A Canadian production company is going to film a documentary with them digging through the landfill for the games! I don’t know why. I guess Canada just got the Atari 2600 and can’t find any games for it. Sometimes things happen later in Canada.
I also remember a game called Track and Field. I think it gave me carpal tunnel. You had to move the joystick back and forth REALLY fast to get your character to run. I would put my palm on the top of the joystick and shake my hand back and forth like crazy to get a good time. Like I was waving at the floor really, really fast.
I may have gotten a good score, but now my hands can’t stop shaking. The doctors say it’s a genetic disease. I say it’s post Atari stress disorder.
There’s a possibility that this is all false. Atari has never said that ANY of this is true. Hopefully it is. I would like to play Yars' Revenge again.
I’m off to track and also field.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A landfill where it is rumored Atari dumped a bunch of cruddy video games (mostly E.T.) in 1983!
I had an Atari 2600. It rocked. I also had the E.T. video game! I’m not sure if it belonged to me or my brother. It most likely belonged to my brother because he was older and smarter and had a job building a time machine for the government when we were kids, so he had lots of money to throw around.
At least, that’s what he told me. If I disagreed, he would beat me up. I generally agreed.
I can still remember TO THIS DAY that I could NOT understand what to do in E.T. AT ALL. I guess nobody else could figure it out because it is considered one of the worst video games of all time! Atari was so embarrassed by it that they took E.T. (and possibly a bunch of other awful games) and secretly dumped them into a landfill in southern New Mexico.
The story says that 10-20 trucks FILLED with games were buried with hopes that they would just die a quiet death there.
NO SUCH LUCK! A Canadian production company is going to film a documentary with them digging through the landfill for the games! I don’t know why. I guess Canada just got the Atari 2600 and can’t find any games for it. Sometimes things happen later in Canada.
I also remember a game called Track and Field. I think it gave me carpal tunnel. You had to move the joystick back and forth REALLY fast to get your character to run. I would put my palm on the top of the joystick and shake my hand back and forth like crazy to get a good time. Like I was waving at the floor really, really fast.
I may have gotten a good score, but now my hands can’t stop shaking. The doctors say it’s a genetic disease. I say it’s post Atari stress disorder.
There’s a possibility that this is all false. Atari has never said that ANY of this is true. Hopefully it is. I would like to play Yars' Revenge again.
I’m off to track and also field.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, June 3, 2013
sticky money smells good
Canada has new money that smells like maple syrup! Well, that’s according to the citizens of Canada. Also known as Canadanites.
According to the official Bank of Canada, “The bank has not added any scent to the new bank notes.”
So why is everybody smelling maple syrup? Some people think it’s all psychosomatic. That people want to believe it, so they all smell maple syrup. (Is it normal to smell your money? Is that a Canadanite thing to do? Is it weird that I DON'T smell my money?)
I have another theory. Everything in Canada is made out of maple syrup. Do you remember Fraggle Rock? And the Doozers? They made all their buildings out of radishes and the Fraggles LOVED them!
Well, Canadians are like maple syrup Doozers. I mean, maple syrup is pretty much everywhere in Canada. It practically grows on trees. So the Bank of Canada (secretly) said, “Let’s use this stuff to make money!”
And make money they did!
The bad thing is that the money can melt. You may think I am making that up. I am not. Though I sometimes (almost always) fabricate the facts, this one is not fabricated at all. The money melts and gets sticky when it gets too warm. It’s best to store your money in the fridge to keep it fresh. If you put it in your wallet, it might get gooey on a hot day.
I know, this is Canada, you would never think it gets hot there. But it’s tricky because of their Celsius temperatures!
You might say, “It’s only 40 degrees out! My money won’t melt!” Then you go outside and maply syrup money is melting everywhere! Because when you convert 40 Canada into American-language, it’s 104 degrees!
I’m going to bring a bottle of maple syrup to the Bank of Canada and tell them all my money melted and they should give me new money. I’ll get a really big jug, so they’ll have to give me billions of dollars. I’ll be maple-rich!
I’m off to dance my cares away.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
According to the official Bank of Canada, “The bank has not added any scent to the new bank notes.”
So why is everybody smelling maple syrup? Some people think it’s all psychosomatic. That people want to believe it, so they all smell maple syrup. (Is it normal to smell your money? Is that a Canadanite thing to do? Is it weird that I DON'T smell my money?)
I have another theory. Everything in Canada is made out of maple syrup. Do you remember Fraggle Rock? And the Doozers? They made all their buildings out of radishes and the Fraggles LOVED them!
Well, Canadians are like maple syrup Doozers. I mean, maple syrup is pretty much everywhere in Canada. It practically grows on trees. So the Bank of Canada (secretly) said, “Let’s use this stuff to make money!”
And make money they did!
The bad thing is that the money can melt. You may think I am making that up. I am not. Though I sometimes (almost always) fabricate the facts, this one is not fabricated at all. The money melts and gets sticky when it gets too warm. It’s best to store your money in the fridge to keep it fresh. If you put it in your wallet, it might get gooey on a hot day.
I know, this is Canada, you would never think it gets hot there. But it’s tricky because of their Celsius temperatures!
You might say, “It’s only 40 degrees out! My money won’t melt!” Then you go outside and maply syrup money is melting everywhere! Because when you convert 40 Canada into American-language, it’s 104 degrees!
I’m going to bring a bottle of maple syrup to the Bank of Canada and tell them all my money melted and they should give me new money. I’ll get a really big jug, so they’ll have to give me billions of dollars. I’ll be maple-rich!
I’m off to dance my cares away.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, February 25, 2013
lots of stuff...IN SPACE
India shot a bunch of Canadian stuff into space today! I don't know why today. (Or why it's in India.) Maybe everything just happened to be ready to go to space at the same time and they thought they would kill seven escape velocities with a single rocket. In India.
First, let me tell you about the "Canadian Suitcase." That's the unofficial name for it. I use that name because the official name is LAME. The Canadian Space Agency's Near-Earth Object Surveillance Satellite. Or NEOSSat. Seriously. That's what they call it for short.
Granted, I'm not Canadian. NEOSSat might actually be a common word in Canada. Like Maple or Bacon. Maybe it's an ancient Canadian word meaning "maple bacon...in space!"
NEOSSat (or maple bacon in space) is going to look for asteroids and space junk. So we know what kind of stuff could fall on us.
For some reason, they did not put lasers on it to shoot space junk or asteroids.
ALSO going into space are the Bright Target Explorer (or betterly code-named BRITE) satellites. They are 2 super tiny space telescopes that will look at stars.
Also, no lasers. Which is weird because if stars or asteroids or junk star falling onto Earth, wouldn't we want to stop them?
NEOSSat: "Hey Earth! There's this giant asteroid coming right at you!"
BRITES: "Also, Earth, there are a bunch of stars falling on you, too!"
EARTH: "As unlikely as all that seems, why don't you laser them or something!"
NEOSSat: "Um...we were built without lasers."
BRITES: "Yeah... ... ...awkward..."
EARTH: "Who built you?!"
NEOSSat/BRITES: "Canada."
EARTH: "Curse you Canada! Stop maple-ing bacon and start lasering!!!"
And that is why we can't have nice things.
I'm off to maple my bacon.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, February 1, 2013
that's no maple leaf
Canada is in a fiscal crisis! You could say (and this will be funny later when you know the story) that they are on a fiscal limb! (It's a tree joke...wait for it...)
Canada has brand new $20 bills. As always, they look like colorful candy. (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, everything in Canada is sugary and edible.) But, there is a BIG botanical brouhaha over the dollar design. More specifically, the maple leaf. (See? The tree joke is making sense now!)
The leaf on the new bill has FIVE lobes! Five you say? Five I say!
You know from your years of botanical studies that the 5-lobed maple leaf is from the invasive Norway maple tree. NOT the beautiful 3-lobed sugar maple that proudly sits on the Canadian flag.
Now the banks and botanists are fighting. It WILL go down in history as the Bank/Botanical Battle Boogaloo.
The bank said it's a mish-mash of ALL maple trees. Because they accept all maple currency in Canada. Botanists aren't buying it...and are afraid it won't buy them anything.
You: "Here's your payment for all these plants and tree-things I'm buying at this wonderful botany store."
Botanist Cashier: "What's this? This isn't money! And trust me, I know from silly looking money, eh! I'm full-on Canadian and KNOW what a sugar maple leaf looks like and this, my friend, is Norwegian money!"
You: "I swear this is real money! Even though it looks totally fake like all Canadian money even though it's really real, eh!"
Botanist Cashier: "Get out of my store you Norwegian counterfeiter! Mounties! I need some Mounties! Royal Canadian Mounties! This person is Norwegian!"
That was the last time I did anything botanical. It was also the last time I rode a horse. But that's more hippological and less botanical.
I'm off to maple a tree.
Enjoy Everything, Eh.
-dj
Thursday, December 27, 2012
oceans of syrup 11
So earlier this year, Canada had some maple syrup missing. 3,000 tons of it. Luckily, the thieves have been caught! YES! 18 people were captured taking maple syrup out of the "Official Strategic Reserve of Maple Syrup" in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.
It's Canadian. What do you expect for a name?
How much syrup is that, you ask? Good enough for 180 million pancakes. Or, if you're like me, good for 10 pancakes. I like a LOT of maple syrup.
Now, in these United States of America, we have a Strategic Oil Reserve. Which kinda makes sense. You may not be a fan of the petrol, but we need it. A lot. It kinda runs EVERYTHING.
Would the world actually stop if maple syrup was gone? I mean...do you really need a STRATEGIC reserve of it?
Oh...did I mention they have 46 MILLION POUNDS OF IT ON RESERVE! STRATEGICALLY!
Now if we could only power cars on maple syrup! That would be something special! I would just go to the pump and chug it!
I don't do that now. Because gas does NOT taste good. And it might kill me. Which is bad. So don't do that.
Now we know why nobody attacks Canada. They have all the maple syrup. NOBODY wants to mess that up!
"Hello? Canada? We're going to attack you with big weapons and stuff."
"Oh, hi. Yeah, we have all your maple syrup, you know, eh. If you ever want to eat a pancake again, you might want to rethink this decision. Eh?"
"Oh...um...does the United States have anything cool?"
"Nope."
"Ok. We'll call them. Thanks for the syrup!"
That conversation happens every day. It might be time to move to Canada.
I'm off to maple my syrup.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, October 19, 2012
the final say on candy corn
There is no guarantee that this is actually the last time I will write about candy corn.
But it could be.
I tried all the new candies and cookies that have been created to TASTE like candy corn.
And they were good.
I decided to give candy corn another chance. I never used to like it. It was always...not right.
I have changed my mind. I now like it! It's good! I don't know if they changed anything, but the bag does say that it is made with "real honey." And, well, you know how passionate I am about honey!
I have a theory about the "bad" candy corn. People put it in a dish and it sits out and gets dry and nasty. THAT is when it is gross! And THAT might be why I never liked it!
So keep it fresh in the bag so kids don't get scarred like I did!
AND NOW they make different flavors! They have original, which I guess is honey-flavor, caramel, AND caramel apple! They also have a nondescript-flavor pumpkin!
Apparently, Canada is rumoured to have a Blueberry Cobbler Candy Corn. I have NO idea what compelled the Canadians to make that, but I love them for it. And if you know any Canadian candy smugglers, I am willing to pay top dollar for a bag of that.
Legally speaking, I didn't just ask that. (Even though I really did. Shhhh...)
Candy corn, I apologize for treating you so badly for so long. I hope we can get along now. And by get along, I mean I will buy many bags of you and eat like crazy.
I'm off to visit a...friend...at the border.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, August 24, 2012
waffles within the border
It's National Waffle Day! It is NOT, I repeat NOT, INTERNATIONAL Waffle Day!
And that is just the start of the confusion!
Being excited about Waffle Day, you probably want to go eat waffles. But to celebrate properly, you don't want to eat any waffles that are outside national jurisdiction. Since it is not International Waffle Day.
But is Belgian Waffle really from Belgia? According to my team of researchers (wikipedia), the Belgian waffle was invented in the North America Nation (where we are)! So go for it!
Of course, if you want a Stroopwafel or a Pandan waffle, you are out of luck. I know. You're upset. But it can't be helped. If you even TRY to sneak a Gaufres a la Flamande onto your plate, the waffle police will arrest you and put you in a vat of syrup.
Which actually sounds fantastic.
It's hard to get it out of your hair, but it feels so good to soak in it.
Do they have a syrup soak? I know they do it with seaweed and chocolate, but I have never heard of syrup.
Maybe in Canada. Canadians do that sort of thing. Because it rains syrup there. Luckily, they can catch it on their waffle umbrellas.
And then eat the umbrellas.
That sounds good...is Canada in my nation?
Who cares! Spread the waffle love!
I'm off to check Canadian real estate.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
canada's current currency
I know a lot of people make jokes about Canada. I may have done it in the past. BUT! I also praise Canada for their amazing candy and snack foods! They have all sorts of stuff up there that you just can't get in our boring country.
Money is something else that Canada decided to make funner. It's awesome! It's all different colors and stuff. How fun is that?!
Not fun enough for the Royal Canadian Mint! They said that it needs be even funnerer!
They have just created the glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter!!!!!!!!!
I am NOT kidding!
On one side is a pachyrhinosaurus lakustai. It looks like what most dinosaurs look like. But turn the lights off, and you see the glowing skeleton of the dinosaur!
Why isn't all American money like that! I WANT GLOWY MONEY!
On the other side is Queen Elizabeth.
Her skull does not glow. But that would have been awesome.
I have a lot of big change transactions happening in dark places at night and if I could see the glowing skull of George Washington when I made these...transactions...I wouldn't have to worry so much about dropping my quarters!
I'm sure you have the same problem. Though, I don't know if you do what I do at night.
I'm not allowed to talk about it, but let's say that if I didn't do what I do, Mars and Venus might not be so friendly.
Maybe I can transfer to Canada so I can use dinosaur money.
Or maybe you can write to your state representative and let them know you want glow-in-the-dark money.
Because Canada has it. And we don't want to look uncool to Canada.
I'm off to the border.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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