chocolate syrup existence

The universe is chocolate syrup. That is all you really need to know, because everything else is NOT IMPORTANT.

Physicists wanted to look at the viscosity of the universe.

No. Not Disco City. That’s to the east of Funky Town. But I can understand why you would think that. I thought the same thing. Maybe it’s just because I used to think the universe was a giant disco ball.

Now I know better. The universe has the same viscosity of chocolate syrup!

They sent sound waves through the universe to get more details on how it began. They found out that it is 20 pascal-seconds.

Exactly the same as chocolate syrup! Because everybody knows that chocolate syrup is 20 pascal-seconds?

Seriously, which physicist knew the viscosity of chocolate syrup?

Physicist A: “Looks like the universe is 20 pascal-seconds.”

Physicist B: “Wow! That’s the same as chocolate syrup!”

Physicist A: “How do you even know that?! Wait…have you been using our very expensive viscosity machine to see pascal-seconds of stuff from the fridge?”

Physicist B: “…maybe…”

Physicist A: “That’s awesome! Let’s go see if there’s anything new in there! Maybe somebody brought in hummus and matzo crackers!”

(For scientific accuracy, I tried looking up the viscosity of hummus and matzo crackers. I could not find them. Proving again that Wikipedia doesn’t know everything. I’m also banned from using the library computers.)

In my head, that’s the sort of thing physicists do all the time but never tell you. My brother keeps telling me he’s just working on boring computer chips or something. I know he’s really having dinosaur jousting tournaments in Funky Town.

I’m off to put some universe on my sundae.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

law & order: sgu - special geese unit

China is using geese to fight crime. I’m not kidding. The police are totally for it. I guess it saves them money from actually…um…having to go out and do policey stuff?

They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”

Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”

The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”

I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.

Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.

I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.

Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.

It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.

So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.

Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.

I’m off to join the geese police.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the royal society of chemistry

Sounds like an official place, right?! Like, the King and Queen of the Periodic Table! (Written Ki and Qu.) Making decrees and such about chemicals!

“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”

Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!

Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.

I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.

The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.

I am NOT making this up.

I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.

I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.

Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?

I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.

Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.

Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)

I’m off to cheese my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

in the mood for food that's good

Make sure you say "good" like "food" and "mood." It's funner that way.

I sometimes think that I should start my own food blog. Not that anyone reads my non-food blog. And not that anyone likes any of the food choices I make. But, I do often write about my adventures in fooding because every new food experience is an adventure!

Sometimes it ends with a new favorite food. Other times...well...my tummy doesn't like me so much and questions my decisions.

I DID try some new things recently that I encourage you all to do. Today. And again tomorrow.

Apples and hummus! Not just ANY hummus. SUPER HUMMUS! I found this stuff the other day because I was looking to get into hummus. I know I've had it before and I've always liked it, but I never really kept up with it. We casually hung out, but I wanted to make us a little more BFFy. Luckily, I found Super Hummus.

I like to think that if Superman or The Hulk or Wolverine had a hankerin' for hummus, they would eat Super Hummus. Therefore, since I'm part super, I had to buy Super Hummus.

Now that I AM a regular hummuser, I decided to go off the vegetable path and try it with an apple. Bear with me, it gets a little complicated here. It tasted good...after the first few slices. See, the apple had to dry a little before it was good. It started too juicy and that didn't work well with the hummus.

As you may or may not know, I've been experimenting with peanut butter and honey. I love the combination of the two. I also love cinnamon. The word and the spice. One of my favorite things to say is "cinnamon in it."

Go ahead. Say it really fast. Fun, isn't it! I can't stop saying it! Cinnamoninit!

Now I CAN say it all the time! My mom suggested some honey AND cinnamon AND peanut butter on toast. Four of my favorite things combined! My mom is a genius. It is amazing!

And now, if I ever have company that wants a snack, I will make this for them. Wanna know why? I'll show you...

You/Guest: "This is great! How did you get toast to taste so fun?"

Me: "It has cinnamon in it!"

You/Guest: "CINNAMONINIT!"

As a bonus, I just found out that "Toast To Taste" is also really fun to say.

I'm off to toast to taste cinnamon in it.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj