gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

like it a latte

I have created a latte! My own version of a very cheap latte that I can make at home!

This is NOT fancy at all, but it is getting me very excited. I am feeling very proud of myself for making this.

I like to get iced lattes. They are good. If you don’t know, it’s a shot (I make it a double.) of espresso, milk (I get soy because I like how it sounds), and ice. That's it.

You can get it with flavors and stuff, but I like it naked. The way nature intended it to be!

I have been experimenting with coffee lately. I don’t have a coffee maker, so I was trying the instant stuff. I found one that is pretty good. It’s a French roast. Nice and dark. So that’s cool.

In my experiment, I decided to fake some espresso. I put 2 big spoonfuls of the instant coffee into 2 ounces of water. (A shot is an ounce.) Then microwave it for a minute. Stir that into a cup of milk (Any kind you have. I use almond milk.) and add ice! DONE! You can now call me Mister Barista!

In NO way is this like a real thing. But, it TASTES similar! That’s all that matters! I figured out that this probably costs me a dollar a latte. That is a great deal!

I have decided to open my own coffee shop. I’m going to call it “Poor Me Coffee.” Since this is basically a “poor-man’s” version of real coffee.

Also, I have decided to open more discount-themed businesses. I’ll have the “Slim Gym,” which will be an open room where you can do push-ups and sit-ups or just walk around in circles. No equipment needed!

There will also be a chain of movie theaters called “Blockbusted.” I’ll set up some folding chairs in front of a TV and get free movies from the library. You won’t see new movies, but you’ll be able to stay awake because you can buy cheap lattes. Only a dollar at the concession stand!

I’ll be rich! Well, I mean, I’ll make a few dollars. A poor-man’s rich. So, like, 20 bucks.

I’m off to make tens of dollars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

do you exist

I read a really interesting study about the likelihood of your existence. And mine, too. All of us!

This isn’t all existential. This is more like math. One guy said that the chances of you being born are about one in 400 trillion. That is, the odds of your parents meeting and then you being born at a particular time and all that stuff.

But! One scientist actually looked at it even FURTHER! He looked at MORE odds. Like the chances of your grandparents and great grandparents and every parent ever meeting! The fact that they met and then met again and got married and had children and so on and so on and so on!

He said, “The odds that you exist at all are basically zero.”

WHOA. Did your mind just get blown? It did.

So do we really exist?

Ha! I’m kidding. You do. I’m going to say that I actually exist because I’m here eating pistachios, getting salt on my keyboard, drinking coffee, pretending that my pet dragon is napping in the corner. That means I exist.

But the odds of me having this moment are so small that I should really treasure it! And so should you!

I know…this is getting very “uplifting.” But seriously! Think about it! You’re impossible! Yet, you’re here! Pretty cool, right?!

I promise I won’t try to be all positive for a long time. If you miss the craziness, just read the last post about being angry at mangos. It’s much more entertaining.

But, if you’re feeling a little grumbly, this might make you feel a little more giggly.

In a completely unrelated study that I made up, the odds of your Netflix freezing up during an important part of Breaking Bad are about 100% Totally Going To Happen.

You might be a miracle, but your internet speed is not.

I’m off to exist by not existing.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

coffee and aloe

Before I am gone from this Earth, I want to let everybody know something. Coffee and aloe are essential in life.

The other day I realized that I don’t have a lot of good advice handy in my mind. But, I do know TWO things. Coffee is good. And aloe is good.

Coffee is good because it has a lot of health benefits.

Also, it makes my brain tingle with smiles.

Aloe is also good. Especially on tissues! When you buy tissues, YOU NEED TO BUY TISSUES WITH ALOE.

Seriously, why would you not buy that?! I don’t even know WHY they make tissues without aloe!

Store clerk: Well, we have these tissues with aloe and these tissues without.

Me: What’s the difference?

Store clerk: The aloe will make your nose feel like it’s getting caressed by a cloud of love. Without aloe, you will get a red nose that will feel like it’s getting burned by hot knives.

Me: Hmmm…that’s a tough choice…I think I’ll go with the aloe.

Store clerk: Excellent choice. And can I offer you some coffee as well? It has many health benefits. And will make your brain giggle like a kitten.

Me: YES.

That is an actual conversation I had at the store the other day. I shop at very fancy stores. That only sell coffee and tissues.

I’m off to tingle my brain and pillow my nose.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

smell ya later

Let me get nasally nostalgic on you here. Nasalgic, I think, is the technical term.

Do you ever smell something and it reminds you of a moment from your childhood? That happened to me the other day. First, some backstory. Don’t worry, it’s really quick.

When I was a kid, Sunday morning was Donut Morning! Then we would visit my grandfather and uncles. It was awesome.

See? Super short story! But you needed to know it because that is what I thought about the other day!

I went to the gym, and when I got out of the car, the smell in the air reminded me of one of those mornings. I am not totally sure why.

Now, it’s possible that there was something in the air that smelled like my grandfather’s house. Also, there IS a Dunkin’ Donuts near my gym. So the smell of donuts COULD have been around. (Also, a great marketing move!)

Oddly enough, there is also a food processing plant next door. Which smells like ketchup most of the time. I don’t think they make catsup, but I don’t ask questions…not after what happened last year.

Anywhooooo, the air smelled like Donut Sunday.

I tell you all of this because a company in Paris has created an oPhone! For olfactory funness where you can text smells to people! Instead of just texting an emoji of a cup of coffee, the phone will emit a coffee smell!

So far, they’ve sent the smell of bread, flowers, and “the smell of Paris 300 years ago.”

I’m not sure if that’s something you want to send. People didn’t really shower much back then, so…you know...not flowery.

You know what’s a better smell? Donut Sunday! That’s what I would like you to text me. Actually, just bring me a donut. And a coffee. And a sundae. On a Sunday. Just text me that every day is Donut Sunday. I don’t care if it smells. In fact, please make it NOT smell.

I’m off to wax nostalgic. With scented candle wax.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

coffee in kandahar

Our troops need coffee! Well, not our troops, but Canada’s troops!

Wait…our troops need coffee too! I’m writing this in the United States, in case you didn’t know. Canada is north of me.

I don’t know much about the military. One of the military departments called me when I started looking into college. Maybe it was the Army? National Guard? I can’t remember. But they asked if I ever thought about joining. I told them that I probably wouldn’t be too good at it.

If you ever meet me, you’ll see why. I’m not very strong. I don’t even have the potential to be strong. I told them that.

They asked me what I liked to do, so I told them that I like to write. The guy on the phone said that they have a newspaper I could work on!

Can you imagine what our military would be like if I wrote for them?! Go ahead, read a few of these “articles” I write. Now, imagine these being written for our troops.

I’m pretty sure I’d be fired. Fast. That, or the world would think we’re fighting evil lightning wizards, laserbots, and diamond dragons every week on the Death Star. (Which we are, but they’re keeping it a secret.)

Untangently speaking, Canada has a coffee chain called “Tim Hortons.” That's Canadian for "Coffee." It’s pretty huge there. Turns out, they put some Tim Hortons with the Canadian troops in Kandahar! They were hoping to build more of them for future missions, but a spokesperson said they were “no longer required.”

WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense! Coffee and donuts “no longer required?” Sounds to me like the enemy has infiltrated from within!

Laserbots have taken over the Canadian military and plans on eating all the donuts and drinking all the coffee for themselves leaving the troops to be drowsy and unsugared!

Then evil will win the war! I should have done my civic duty and joined the Canadian’s military newspaper. Then this wouldn’t be happening. I’d be, like, the Lois Lane of the Canadian military. Wait…I meant to say Clark Kent. Not Lois. I really need to fix my “Backspace” button.

I’m off to enlist some coffee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tastes just like real water

I bought a bottle of water the other day. Don’t worry! I generally fill my metal water bottle up at home instead of using plastic bottles all the time. And I recycle, too.

But, if I DO buy the plastic bottles of water, I’m a Fiji guy. TOTALLY Fiji! It’s SO GOOD. I can’t explain it.

I was at facility that did not allow me to purchase Fiji water. I bought another brand. I will not say what kind, but I WILL tell you exactly what the bottle says.

“Enhanced with minerals for a pure, fresh taste.”

So the water wasn’t pure enough? It needed added "pure" flavoring? Shouldn’t water just taste like…um…water? And pure?

Though, I’m one to talk. My water always tastes like coffee. Mostly because I add coffee beans to my water. Partly because I never clean my coffee mug and even if I just fill it with water, it tastes like coffee.

I don’t think we use our sense of taste enough. We always use hearing to have conversations. Vision to see where we are going. Touch to hold things or find out if they are hot. Smell to check our armpits.

Shouldn’t we try tasting to do some of these things? You could lick your friends face to find out who it is! Or lick a bird to identify its birdie calls! Lick the stove to find out if it is hot! Even lick your armpits to check for freshness!

Editor’s Note: All of these are bad ideas and you should not do them. Some of them might actually cause pain or disease. Others are just dumb.

Writer’s Note: My editor is not adventurous at all.

In other news, I drank so much coffee today that I don’t know if any of my senses will work. So drinking water that only tastes like water will probably have the same effect as water that actually tastes like water.

I think I got that right. It might be the coffee talking, but I’m pretty sure I can identify water by licking it.

I’m off to check my armpits.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that was an odd day: part one

I don't usually notice too much in a day. Well, I suppose I notice a lot of things. But nothing that really stands out. Yesterday had quite a few...um...stand-outish things.

I was at the Super Market buying lots of YUMMY foods. I believe this market is super because it came from another planet and our sun gives it super powers. Even though the website doesn't say that, I'm sure it's true.

I was waiting to purchase my citrus and bread and coffee when a small child walked into my line. I'm not sure if the child had a parent, but if it did, the parent was not visible. This line had candy and toys in it. Nothing big, just little things. This young child took a bag of toys and began stuffing it down the back of his pants!

At first, I thought, "The back of the pants?! Really?! Is that where you want your stolen toys to be?" Then I remembered reading many stories of people getting taken to jail and doing the same thing. Mostly with illegal substances. And again, I generally ask, "Is that where you want your illegal substances to be?"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if he was planning on stealing these toys because he didn't actually stuff the whole thing down his pants. Just the top part. So when he walked away it was more like a "tail." Clearly visible to anybody behind him. Like a "toy tail."

He may or may not have known that I saw this whole thing. He was wearing sweat pants, so it could have just been an easy place to put them due to a lack of pockets. Sometimes when I wear sweat pants, I...okay, I don't own a pair of sweat pants, so I can't even seriously make a joke about them.

Then I thought that it might be okay to carry things that way! So I took my loaf of bread and stuffed part of it into the back of my pants. And let me tell you, having a "bread tail" is probably the most empowering thing you will ever do!

Except when hungry geese are nearby. Then...it's not so great.

This has already gone on too long and that was only PART of my day! I'm not sure if you want to know the rest of it, but it's coming anyway!

I'm off to buy some sweat pants.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

dunk your cookies

Do you eat cookies in milk?! COLD MILK?! What are you doing! How could you do that to that poor cookie?!

PUT THE COOKIE DOWN. I'm here to make your cookie experience better.

Well, not me, but Heston Blumenthal. He found that many people said cookies dipped in a hot beverage tasted better and he wanted to figure out why. So, he stuck this MS-Nose tube UP his nose to test it out. Really. That's what he did.

It measures the flavors going to your mouth from the aroma of what you are eating. He tried it with cookies and found out that when you dunk the cookie in a warm beverage, the methylbutanol levels went through the roof!

I guess methylbutanol is what makes cookies taste so cookie-y.

I don't know why, but I always trust a guy with a tube in his nose!

So next time you’re eating cookies, take a moment and heat up your beverage. Milk is good. He's British, so he uses tea. I have never done that, but might be worth a try! Hot chocolate is good too. I like cookies dipped in coffee! THAT is the best!

If you are not doing that, you are only hurting yourself and the cookie will not respect you. Ever.

Cookie Monster might drive by your house and give you nasty looks. (He really won't, he's too nice.)

I'll also dunk muffins and pie in my coffee. Just in case you were curious. Wanna know what happens to my methylbutanol levels when I do that? Look at the size of the universe. Then look bigger. THAT is what happens.

I'm off to dip my cookies and roll down your street with Cookie Monster. Don't make us give you the stink-eye.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

what's my age again

I wasn't sure how to react to a woman who asked me if her son would ever calm down. I was getting coffee at a wonderfully-named national chain. I say wonderfully-named because, even though the company was created in the magical realm of Seattle, the name came from a fictional character from New England!

I also like to think that if I ever roamed the universe, I would use Star Bucks to pay for everything.

So it's kinda perfect. They also make my favorite sugar-filled coffee perfect every time.

Anywheezee, this lovely lady said that I reminded her of her 5-year-old son. He apparently gets very excited about a lot of things.

She asked me if that ever changes.

I said, "Nothing changes, fellow coffee-gettin-lady! You're in for a world of fun!"

Then I told her to read my blog. And put a little salt in her coffee. And watch as I ride the escalator like a whale!

(That's funny because of the Moby Dick reference!) (Look it up, it's hilarious!)

Then I ran back to her and said, "Nothing changes because I AM YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE! And all of this is just a dream!"

(Don't worry real mom in the current timeline, I was just kidding with her. You are, in fact, my mother. From the present.)

I gave her a big hug and ran off with my coffee yummery and eluded security for a good fourteen minutes. They eventually caught me buying a  pretzel hugging a hot dog.

I told them that in the future these don't exist, so I would like one before I return.

They told me to leave and never return.

Which I did. With my pretzel/hot dog companion.

I'm off to find a Star ATM for some Star Bucks.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more candy corn goo

I did it. I bought the Oreo cookies that have a candy corn creme filling. I bet you didn't know that you could actually make a creme that tasted like candy corns. Well Oreo did it!

After only 100 years of research, the Oreo creme chefs have figured out the proper combination of sugar and artificial flavor to make a cookie with an orange and yellow filling that tastes like candy corn!

And again, as stated in an earlier entry, I don't really like candy corn. But I must say, again, that making a good food taste LIKE candy corn makes it taste good!

I don't understand HOW this happens, but it does. Consistently. I think the candy corn company should just stop making little hard nubbies of yuckiness and sell their flavor to every other food product.

Like a candy corn Hot Pocket!

Maybe you could make a candy corn flavor for Lysol spray! You can't eat it, though. You can only kill germs with it. Candy cornish germs.

Do they make a candy corn coffee???  If not, they should! Forget that pumpkin spice! That's so last Halloween!

What about a candy corn vegetable dip?! What's better with celery than a glob of candy corn goo hanging off the end!

NOTHING. That's what.

I know what you're thinking. "Why don't you go into the food making business and make millions of dollars with your brilliant candy corn ideas?"

I will answer that question with a holiday: Bastille Day.

I'm off to flavor my coffee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space is so sweet

I love space. I love sugar. I LOVE SPACE SUGAR!

There is sugar in space! How did I not hear about this before?! I mean, seriously, what would be better than space sugar?!

Imagine putting sugar FROM SPACE in your coffee! It would taste like SPACE COFFEE!

Or maybe getting it in your cookies for SPACE COOKIES!

Sweet tea? TRY SPACE TEA!

That's not awesome enough for you? How about adding this fruit to your info salad! The sugar (IN SPACE) is swirling around a star. A sun-like star. This means the sugar could start the building blocks FOR LIFE!

A whole planet MADE OF SUGAR! Walk up to a tree. Try eating it. Not easy, right? How about a TREE MADE FROM SPACE SUGAR!

Let us recap. Space. Sugar. Everything tastes sweet.

Goals in life: Speed up creation of sugar planet. Build space rocket. Drink space coffee. Eat space cookie. (Repeat cookie goal regularly.) Move to sugar planet. Live awesome life of sugar and spaceness.

I think it's going to be a good day.

I'm off to sweeten the space.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

paging dr. agon

OH MY DRAGON! This is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life!

I got a text from my lovely co-worker Dina. She was looking for toys.

As you may or may not know, texts are only 160 characters. When you send something that is OVER 160 character, you get TWO text messages!

How fun is that?! If it goes over 320 characters, YOU GET THREE TEXTS! YAY!

So I got a two-part text from Dina. The first text ended with "red or blue or whatever dr"

The next text message said "agon. he is paying..."

I thought she was looking for a Dr. Agon toy.

NOPE! She was looking for a DRAGON!

How awesome would it be to have a dragon that is also a doctor named Dr. Agon!

I'm going to go to medical school and change my name to Agon.

Then I will be able to fly and shoot fire out of my mouth.

Because that's what happens.

It would be better than choking on my coffee.

Because that's what actually happened this morning. Twice.

I'm off to text a hospital.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj