stay out of the water

This is crazy. The Ukrainian Navy trains dolphins to detect mines, plant explosives and (according to reports) attack enemy divers using "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols."

You read that right. These dolphins wear knife-hats and know how to use them.

Unfortunately, the Ukrainians lost their killer dolphins. YEP! LOST THEM. They are now roaming the seven seas detecting mines, planting explosives and looking for enemy divers to attack WITH KNIFE-HATS!

I totally believe this. Have you ever had dinner with some narwhals and have a dolphin show up? It's awkward.

Narwhals can be snooty and dolphins sometimes feel insecure that they don't also have a unicorn horn. I know many dolphins who would jump through hoops for the chance to wear a knife attachment!

Who knows where they could be or what they're doing. They could be plotting a plot that involves world domination!

Or they could just be poking around looking for fish.

But most likely world domination!

Hence the need for a unicorn army to defend the world! And if we can't find unicorns, we will train horses to wear "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols" to protect us. I'm pretty sure that's what the Royal Canadian Mounted Police ride on.

Unless they lost them. Which would be bad. Because if the horses and the dolphins have gone rogue, all we have left to rely on is ourselves and we can't be trusted.

Or can we...DUN DUN DUNNNNN! (I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I'm off to specially adapt a head mount.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's no maple leaf

Canada is in a fiscal crisis! You could say (and this will be funny later when you know the story) that they are on a fiscal limb! (It's a tree joke...wait for it...)

Canada has brand new $20 bills. As always, they look like colorful  candy. (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, everything in Canada is sugary and edible.) But, there is a BIG botanical brouhaha over the dollar design. More specifically, the maple leaf. (See? The tree joke is making sense now!)

The leaf on the new bill has FIVE lobes! Five you say? Five I say!

You know from your years of botanical studies that the 5-lobed maple leaf is from the invasive Norway maple tree. NOT the beautiful 3-lobed sugar maple that proudly sits on the Canadian flag.

Now the banks and botanists are fighting. It WILL go down in history as the Bank/Botanical Battle Boogaloo.

The bank said it's a mish-mash of ALL maple trees. Because they accept all maple currency in Canada. Botanists aren't buying it...and are afraid it won't buy them anything.

You: "Here's your payment for all these plants and tree-things I'm buying at this wonderful botany store."

Botanist Cashier: "What's this? This isn't money! And trust me, I know from silly looking money, eh! I'm full-on Canadian and KNOW what a sugar maple leaf looks like and this, my friend, is Norwegian money!"

You: "I swear this is real money! Even though it looks totally fake like all Canadian money even though it's really real, eh!"

Botanist Cashier: "Get out of my store you Norwegian counterfeiter! Mounties! I need some Mounties! Royal Canadian Mounties! This person is Norwegian!"

That was the last time I did anything botanical. It was also the last time I rode a horse. But that's more hippological and less botanical.

I'm off to maple a tree.

Enjoy Everything, Eh.

-dj