gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sugar power

Virginia Tech has the smartest people ever. They have created a sugar battery. Did you hear me? A SUGAR BATTERY.

I mean, it’s so obvious! I’ve been powered by sugar since I was a toddler! Why didn’t I think of using it to keep my computer working?

Not only that, but it’s rechargeable! Guess what you have to do to make it work again.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

GIVE IT MORE SUGAR!

That’s exactly how I work every day! This is so simple that it’s genius.

It’s not ready yet, though. I tried pouring sugar on my computer. Now I need a new computer.

Once it IS ready, there is one possible problem. I might eat my batteries. I have been told that batteries we use now are NOT edible. Like, so not edible that you could die if you eat them.

This is a problem for me. I like to just eat things. Because, you know, it’s there. You never know what could taste good!

Sugar batteries would be such a nice change. I could open up your phone and start licking the battery and it would be totally NOT weird!

When I did that yesterday at the store, the person in front of me totally freaked out. I have no idea why. It’s not like I was going to steal their phone. Just taste it a little.

I have been told many times that I need to work on my boundaries. And multiple other issues.

Sugar batteries could solve world energy problems and some socially awkward moments for me.

I’m off to recharge my batteries.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

going bananas for bananas

Did you know bananas are bad for monkeys? Would you ever have guessed that?!

A zoo in England is saying that bananas have too much sugar for monkeys. And the calorie count is too high. Because they eat human bananas.

I honestly had no idea that bananas were grown to please humans. We decided to breed them to be sweeter. I guess they started growing bananas and sugar cane in the same field and made the yummy treat we have today.

Editor’s Note: The science of that statement may or may not be true. Since it was completely made up.

Now that they are off the bananas, they are less aggressive. They also have “thicker and better” fur.

Should I stop eating bananas? I would LOVE thicker and better fur! Who doesn’t want that?!

I like bananas. I also like the word banana. I think it is one of the few fruits that can be used to describe something not fruit-related.

How did it happen that saying something is “bananas” meant that it’s crazy or wild? I’ve never seen a banana do anything crazy.

Maybe I’m just hanging out with the wrong bananas. (Get it? That’s funny because bananas are a hanging fruit!)

More fruits should mean other things. Peachy is a nice one. Why doesn’t apple mean anything?

Like, “No way! You beat Metroid?! That’s so apple!”

I’m going to start using that.

I’m off to have an apple day.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pecan do it

That headline is funny if you pronounce “pecan” as “pee-can.” If you say “pih-kahn” or “pee-kahn,” then I’m not very clever. Let’s pretend I am very clever.

I just saw a shocking story. SHOCKING! The price of pecans is going up! Demand, bad weather, and pecan-stealing fairies have created the perfect economic storm!

I love pecan pie. It’s so good! If you’ve never had it, go buy one. Now. Get a real one, though. Like, REAL. It should taste like sugar and maple and pecan having a party in your mouth.

I was surprised how much I love pecan pie. Well, not TOO surprised. It is mostly sugar and if you put enough sugar on anything, it’s a good pie. Like sugar pie. You wouldn’t think that sugar alone would make a good pie, but put even MORE sugar on sugar, and you have a GREAT pie!

Why did the pecan get a pie? I love almonds and cashews. But they don’t have any pies, do they?

Oh! OH! OHHHHH! Wait! They do! After a quick search on the internet, I found a chocolate cashew and triple-almond pie WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!

Other nut-themed pies do NOT get the attention that pecan pie gets, but it sounds like they should! These sound fantastic!

I think I’m going to have a nut-themed pie party. Everybody will pick a nut. Then make a pie based on that nut. Then I will make t-shirts for everybody that says “I’m nuts about pies!” Or maybe "I'm pies about nuts!" Or both.

I’m going to have this celebration on Thanksgiving. Because that’s my favorite pie-based holiday. I know some people have turkey and stuff. I don’t know why. My family definitely celebrates it with pie. Lots and lots of pie.

Hopefully you don’t have a nut allergy. If you do…I’m so, so, so sorry. I will hold a moment of silence for you during my party. A moment to remember all the people who can’t have nuts without going on anaphylactic shock.

OR! I could serve EpiPens for dessert! So please come to the party anyway!

On a side note, ice cream pie also exists. Just thought you should know.

I’m off to nut some pies.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

veggies and cereal

I love experimenting with food. Some people think I’m picky. I’m not really. I test a lot of stuff out, then find one thing I REALLY like, then only eat that forever.

That’s not weird or anything.

I love to keep food simple! I don’t like spending a lot of time on it. I’ll often microwave frozen veggies, put some spices on them (I have a big collection of spices), and enjoy a flavorful feast!

My latest experiment involved cereal! I have no idea HOW I thought of this, but I did.

Actually, here’s what probably happened. I got excited about a new food and couldn’t wait to try it. I made the decision to eat it after something else was already made. Thus, veggies and cereal was born!

I bought a box of Mallow Oats. I know, you have NO idea what that is. I shop in the “Natural and Organic” section of the supermarket. There’s a company called “Mom’s Best.” Mallow Oats are basically Lucky Charms. But made using wind energy or something.

I was very excited to try my sugared-by-nature cereal, but already put some veggies in the microwave. Then, the wind energy powered light bulb went off over my head!

Put the cereal in the veggies! I mean, adding sweetness to veggies can’t be a bad idea, right?

Turns out, I WAS right! It’s really good! I know you think it’s gross, but it’s really not! Trust me! I tried it more than once just to be sure. I have confirmed its super-tastiness.

I also tried it with Mom’s Best version of Frosted Mini-Wheats. It wasn’t bad, but not as fun. That is all I have done at this point, but I have a feeling that some sort of Cinnamon cereal or Frosted Flakey cereal would also taste good.

OH! Maybe even some sort of Coco cereal!

Know why? The sugar! Natural or unnatural! You should try it! DO IT!

If you DO try it, let me know what’s good!

I’m off to cereal my veggies.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

honey laundering

As much as I wish I thought of that term, I did not. But it IS real!

I love honey. I may have said that before, but I would like to say it again. I LOVE HONEY! I use it for pretty much everything in my life. EVERYTHING.

Okay, I have never used honey to do my laundry, but that's not what this article is about. Now that I think about it, though, I feel like adding honey to the washing machine might be a great idea. Kids, try that at home. Let me know what happens. Don't tell your parents who told you to do it. Pretend it was totally your idea. Because you're super smart.

Turns out honey is big business. Big enough to have "counterfeit" honey come into the country! YES! Some unsavory companies have been selling honey that is not actually honey at all! Just corn syrup and sugar!

Now, I would never complain about chugging a jug (a jug chug) of corn syrup and sugar, but not when I want pure, unadulterated honey!

Luckily, astronomy has found a way to save you from funny honey. A laser isotope ratio-meter can analyze your honey to tell you exactly where it came from! Right down to the longitude and latitude of the flower petals!

What? You don't have a laser isotope ratio-meter? Why not?! Don't you search for methane gas on Mars a few times a week?

You should be! It's fun! I do it almost every day! While sipping a jug of honey!

I'm like Neil deGrasse Tyson. If Neil deGrasse Tyson were Winnie the Pooh.

Can we actually make that happen for a children's book series? That would combine my two idols and my love of honey. Thanks.

I'm off to Hayden Planetarium at Pooh Corner.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's no maple leaf

Canada is in a fiscal crisis! You could say (and this will be funny later when you know the story) that they are on a fiscal limb! (It's a tree joke...wait for it...)

Canada has brand new $20 bills. As always, they look like colorful  candy. (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, everything in Canada is sugary and edible.) But, there is a BIG botanical brouhaha over the dollar design. More specifically, the maple leaf. (See? The tree joke is making sense now!)

The leaf on the new bill has FIVE lobes! Five you say? Five I say!

You know from your years of botanical studies that the 5-lobed maple leaf is from the invasive Norway maple tree. NOT the beautiful 3-lobed sugar maple that proudly sits on the Canadian flag.

Now the banks and botanists are fighting. It WILL go down in history as the Bank/Botanical Battle Boogaloo.

The bank said it's a mish-mash of ALL maple trees. Because they accept all maple currency in Canada. Botanists aren't buying it...and are afraid it won't buy them anything.

You: "Here's your payment for all these plants and tree-things I'm buying at this wonderful botany store."

Botanist Cashier: "What's this? This isn't money! And trust me, I know from silly looking money, eh! I'm full-on Canadian and KNOW what a sugar maple leaf looks like and this, my friend, is Norwegian money!"

You: "I swear this is real money! Even though it looks totally fake like all Canadian money even though it's really real, eh!"

Botanist Cashier: "Get out of my store you Norwegian counterfeiter! Mounties! I need some Mounties! Royal Canadian Mounties! This person is Norwegian!"

That was the last time I did anything botanical. It was also the last time I rode a horse. But that's more hippological and less botanical.

I'm off to maple a tree.

Enjoy Everything, Eh.

-dj

crazy maizey candy corn

Candy corn is back on my  mind!

It's Candy Corn Day! That means you get to celebrate everything candy corn!

All flavors! Well...all the good ones, at least.

Turns out, when they first made candy corn in the 1890s, they thought making other vegetables into candy would be a good idea.

And let me tell you. IT IS!

They made candy turnips. They did not sell. I don't know why. Turnips are actually kinda pretty. That purple/white thing they got going on? It's tasty looking! Just imagine it as a candy!

What about a candy radish?! Or a candy cauliflower?!

Ingredients: Sugar. Shape: Vegetable.

If every vegetable was a sugar, I would eat a lot more vegetables and a lot less candy.

So really, this would be healthy for me. And you. And for America!

Let's get these other candy vegetables back!

I would eat so many vegetables that I might die. From being so healthy.

And death by turnip is NOT a bad way to go. (Somebody might get that.)

I'm off to buy more candy corn. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

one cereal isn't enough

I've become crazy with the cereal mixing. CRAZY!

It's odd, but I LOVE all the Kashi cereals. They are all SO GOOD! I know they're less funner than the sugar cereals, but I'm not allowed to buy the super sugar cereals anymore.

So, I got addicted to Kashi. BUT! Since I like so many Kashi flavors, I don't want to eat just one at a time! But I can't really eat FIVE bowls of cereal at a time!

Well...I can...but I shouldn't.

Now I put a little bit of each into the bowl so I have one BIG bowl of multi-cereal! Trust me, you need a BIG bowl because there are more cereals in there than dimensions in your string theory. I'm talking bosonic string, not just superstring!

You should really try this. It's pretty epic. And by "pretty epic" I mean it's TOTALLY EPIC-LICOUS!

Sometimes...when I'm feeling a little wilder...I'll put some dried fruit in there! Like blueberries or currants.

Currants (also known as Corinthian raisins and Zante currants) are a totally underrated dried fruit!

On OTHER times of sometimes...you're not going to believe this one...I'll use Frappuccino as the liquid cereal softener!

WHOA! Did that just happen?

You're darn tootin' it did!

I lead an exciting life. It's ok to be jealous. You can lead this life, too. Just get some big bowls and come over for a cereal extravaganza.

I'm off to dry some fruit.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space is so sweet

I love space. I love sugar. I LOVE SPACE SUGAR!

There is sugar in space! How did I not hear about this before?! I mean, seriously, what would be better than space sugar?!

Imagine putting sugar FROM SPACE in your coffee! It would taste like SPACE COFFEE!

Or maybe getting it in your cookies for SPACE COOKIES!

Sweet tea? TRY SPACE TEA!

That's not awesome enough for you? How about adding this fruit to your info salad! The sugar (IN SPACE) is swirling around a star. A sun-like star. This means the sugar could start the building blocks FOR LIFE!

A whole planet MADE OF SUGAR! Walk up to a tree. Try eating it. Not easy, right? How about a TREE MADE FROM SPACE SUGAR!

Let us recap. Space. Sugar. Everything tastes sweet.

Goals in life: Speed up creation of sugar planet. Build space rocket. Drink space coffee. Eat space cookie. (Repeat cookie goal regularly.) Move to sugar planet. Live awesome life of sugar and spaceness.

I think it's going to be a good day.

I'm off to sweeten the space.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

my teeth feel soft

Do you sometimes notice your teeth feeling different? Like, one day they're all hard and ready to chomp. Then the next day they feel soft and all you want to do is bite your lip a little because it's squishy. 

Teeth are cool. I have a bunch of them. I love my calcified, whitish structures. (Thanks wikipedia!) Without these incisors and molars and amalgam fillings I would have to swallow candy whole!

Thank goodness for my teeth! And fake teeth inserts. Most of my teeth innards are gone because of cavities. That's not my fault, though. I blame sugar. If it didn't love my teeth so much, they wouldn't get all holey.

I sometimes wish sugar was spelled "shugar." Or "shuga." That's funner to say. Or shay. Nah...we'll keep it as "say."

"SH" words are fun to say. Whether you have soft teeth or not. I wonder why teeth feel different sometimes? Or is that just my teeth?

Don't you hate it when you bite your lip! That kills me! Then you have this bump of skin in your mouth and you HAVE to keep biting at it even though you know it's just going to make it worse!

Then one day, it's gone.

Then another day, your teeth feel soft again.

Should I go to the dentist? I just went, like, two weeks ago! I like the dentist. They always make my teeth feel good.

Candy makes my teeth feel good. Well, it makes me feel good. When I feel good, my teeth feel good. Going to the dentist is like candy for my teeth.

I should become a dentist and have that be my motto.

"Dr. Awesome DMD: Like candy for your teeth."

I'm off to gnaw my lip.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj