the name was so easy...but no...

Mittens Romney! I know I talk about him all the time. Know why? HIS NAME IS MITTENS! That's why!

I STILL have no idea what he stands for politically. But you already know what I WANT him to stand for. KITTENS!

And I think that is why there is a "Dogs Against Romney" group. Yes, there really is a "Dogs Against Romney" group.

What amazes me is that they had the PERFECT name for this group and they didn't use it! It's like somebody just handed them the master sword and they pushed it away for the wooden one!

"Mutts Against Mitt!"

It's so simple! How could they have missed this?!

I guess dogs don't like catchy names. Or Mittens. Or kittens.

OH! Today is Ferris Wheel Day!

I don't know if dogs like ferris wheels. But if they don't, they SHOULD call themselves "Fidos Against Ferris Wheels." But they'll probably call themselves "Dogs Against Large Circular Things At Amusement Parks."

Because, you know, they don't like to make it easy.

I'm off to start a group against badly named groups.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

gulf of whatever i want

Mississippi Representative Steve Holland is hilarious! I've never heard of him before. Mostly because I didn't even know Mississippi really existed. But it does! And this guy made a law-bill-thing saying he wants to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America!

He was trying to make point. Something about immigration and how extreme some people are about it. I didn't actually read the whole article. I got too excited about changing names!

THIS is just another reason why I want to be world president! I can change the names of EVERYTHING!

Sure, "Gulf of Mexico" isn't a bad name for a gulf. BUT! Imagine this: The Gulf Of AWESOMENESS!

Not bad, right?!

Oh, don't worry, Mexico. The gulf will still be named after you because your NEW name will be AWESOMENESS!

Pacific Ocean? BLAH! Now it's called Ninja Water!

United States of America? NOPE! Spectacular States of Fabulousness!

Russia? Forget it! Sparklussia!

So, vote for me for president of the universe. And beyond. I swear I will give everything better names.

I will also rule good. From the capitol of Starfire D.C.

I'm off to pass a bill.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

buh buh buh buuuuh buuuuuuh!

If you didn't know, THAT is from Star Wars! NOW IN 3D! That's right! It starts today! Well...tonight...well...officially TOMORROW at exactly 12:01am.

IN 3D!

I know people don't care about Episode One. It's not the greatest, but I'm pretty sure it's better than any other movie coming out this weekend.

Yes. Even better than "The Vow." I know that has Channing Tatum, but he's not in 3D, so it's not worth it.

I'm so excited to see light sabers in 3D! That will be EPIC!

I saw somebody throwing out a light saber the other day! It was sitting on the top of their trash can! Who does that?!

That is super dangerous. What if a raccoon, untrained in the Jedi arts, goes through that trash? Can you imagine what kind of destruction that will cause?!?!

I guess light sabers aren't recyclable. That's a shame. You would think they could have figured that out.

Granted, I can't even get rid of my recycling. My town needs money and many documents that I cannot supply to. You would THINK they'd WANT me to save the earth. Like a recycling Jedi Knight. I guess not...

But if anybody knows where I can get rid of my recycling, no questions asked, please contact me discreetly.

I'm off to show a raccoon the force.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that isn't very relaxing

I'm the kind of guy who loves to relax. If I could afford a day at the spa, you KNOW I would be there ready to be sootherated.

Since I cannot afford anything that fancy, I do listen to relaxing sounds online.

It's nice! They'll have birds chirping. Water babbling. Sometimes they have, like, wind chimes and stuff. Maybe a pan flute. I don't know if Zamfir is involved, but I secretly hope he is.

I was relaxing to some birds the other day and a lawnmower goes by! Two times!

How is that calming?!

Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have Zamfir drop that flute and chop it up with a lawnmower, but not while I'm sipping tea and eating crumpets!

I don't even know what a crumpet is! But I secretly hope that it is a cookie shaped like a trumpet.

Maybe my next relaxing night will go better. But I wouldn't be surprised if I'm listening to the sounds of the forest and a chainsaw goes by.

Because that's relaxing. Like an arrow to the knee.

I'm off to play my crumpet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

meat doesn't go there

I don't know what's going on in Detroit, but bacon is not an adhesive bandage. I mean, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I guess I could be wrong.

It turns out doctors have, in fact, used bacon to stop massive nose bleeding. YUP! You have to stick bacon up your nose!

Now, kids...don't stick stuff up your nose. Not bacon or marbles or anything deep fried, without your parents permission.

Parents, if you permit your kids to stick bacon and marbles and anything deep fried up their nose...I'm not sure if you're the greatest or the worst parents ever.

So if you're looking for some sort of bleeding-stopper at the store and you find "nose bacon" on the shelf, you may want to try it.

If you find some "ear sausages" on the shelf, you...wait...where are you?!

What are these stores you go to?!

That's just weird stuff. If you EVER need me to buy stuff for you, I'm not going to your freaky pig-body part stores.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

I don't want to know where a pork rind might go. I don't even know what a "rind" is. And I don't WANT to know.

I'm off to stop the bleeding.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

insider and outsider trading

So there's talk around Congress about insider trading. I don't know much about the law and the government and kangaroos, but I know that they all exist.

Okay, I'm not 100% on that, but I'm about 67% sure.

According the folks in Congress, they could get insider stock tips so they could make some big monies. But, insider trading is illegal. Except for them.

Since the law DIDN'T say they COULDN'T do it, they figured it was okay.

And THAT is my kinda logic!

Since there is no actual proof that unicorns don't exist, clearly they do! And since there is no actual law specifically telling me that I, personally, cannot take all the money from a bank, clearly I can.

OH! There is also no law that says all comic book companies are supposed to NOT give me comic books free for life, therefore they should be giving me comic books, for free, for life!

Because that's how the law works!

According to congress.

That is why I'm going to start my political career today.

Vote for me. I want to do everything you can't.

Thank you.

I'm off to start a PAC.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i like it when it glitters

Republican candidate Mittens Romney has been going around talking about stuff lately. Sadly, he is not talking about kittens. I truly think that should be his political stance. He should just talk about kittens at every rally!

"Hello, my name is Mittens. I like Kittens. Thank you."

"WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that's the crowd reaction)

Well! Somebody went one step further to make his campaign even better! GLITTER!

Mittens was glitter bombed! How wonderful is that!

I like it when bombs glitter. Not like those blow uppy ones that hurt. Glitter bombs are much nicer. AND they go great with kittens and Mittens!

I think we could win every war EVER if we just glitter bomb people! Imagine the love!

Other country: "We are going to war you!"

Our country "Ok!"

POOOOOOM! GLITTER BOMB!

Other country: "We love you! And glitter! And kittens!"

Our country: "YAY!"

World problems? Solved.

I'm off to glitter my kitten and glitten my kitter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj