vampires know science

A recent study on mice found that putting the blood of younger mice into older mice reversed their aging.

Yes! This might be the plot to a bad horror movie.

It is also real science! These scientists found that the blood of the younger mice gave the older mice stronger muscles and brains. The research is very interesting even though it’s mildly (very) creepy.

Now we know why vampires live so long! I mean, everybody is basically younger than a vampire!

You know what would be a great movie? The Umpire Vampire.

Scene: Late at night after a baseball game. It’s dark and the last person to leave the locker room is one of the players.

Umpire: Hello pitcher.

Player: I’m not the pitcher. I’m the shortstop.

Umpire: Oh, I didn’t mean your position. I meant that we will fill this pitcher…WITH YOUR BLOOD.

Player: NOOOOOOOO!

Sounds of blood being drained.

Umpire: (standing over lifeless body) You’re out…OF BLOOD!

Those are the only two jokes I have relating to baseball and vampires. So that’s pretty much the whole movie.

Also, the umpire stays young. Because science.

My next movie idea is about a unicorn that is also a vampire. It’ll be part of a trilogy. And the last movie will be two movies. Because everybody does a 4-part trilogy now.

I’m off to cast the vampicorn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

boffin is a real word

I’m not kidding. I never heard this before, but I guess it’s British slang for a scientist! Because that helps people take science seriously.

Oh! But guess what! You don’t have to take science seriously in Britain! Because boffins spend time studying the best biscuits (what they call cookies in England) for dunking in tea (what they call tea in England, because they dunk cookies in tea, not milk). (Oh, I’m in the United States. That’s why I’m translating. Just in case you didn’t know.)

THIS IS A REAL STUDY. Done by real scientists. With deadly serious consequences.

They tested different biscuits in tea. Timed how long they took to fall apart. And decided that Rich Tea biscuits are the sturdiest because they stayed together for 20 seconds.

Hobnobs only lasted 4 seconds. Pfffft! No Hobnobbin' for me!

Boffins also checked different dunking angles to determine the best way to approach the tea cup.

I am NOT making this up.

This real boffin, Dr. Farrimond, is worried that weaker cookies could cause problems. If you dunk a Hobnob quickly and go to eat it, it could fall apart on your shirt.

Since this is a horrible problem in society, he suggests having a “dunk-o-meter” traffic light system on every biscuit package. If they crumble under 5 seconds, there would be a red light; 5-10 seconds would get a yellow light; over 10 seconds gets a green light.

I remind you, this is real.

Now I think we know the reason scientists are called “boffins” in England.

I’ve never actually tried biscuits in tea. It sounds pretty good. First I have to check the dunk-o-meter. Because, you know, I value my LIFE.

I’m off to science...er...boffin.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

go home text, you’re drunk

Scientists in Canada have successfully sent a text message...using vodka! This is totally true!

Now you don’t even have to drink to send a drunken text message! “Science: Making texts from last night more efficient!”

They texted “O Canada” across a room. 4 meters in fact! If you don’t know what a meter is, it’s like a Canadian yardstick.

They entered the letters. Then used a spray bottle full of vodka to spray the text in binary code. Then a little fan got the vodka across the room to the receiver.

I never said it was high tech. They only had $100 and a bottle of vodka. It’s not like anybody was going to fund this project.

Though, I know people who would have a VERY different night if they only had $100 and a bottle of vodka.

At least with the Canadian scientists, I don’t have to pick them up from the carousel at the county fair at 3AM.

This all leads me to believe that Canada needs better mobile phone service. I don’t know what Verizon or ATT are doing, but they clearly aren’t putting up enough towers there.

But if Absolut needs a business partner, I’m pretty sure that we’d do pretty well setting up a bunch of cell towers that sprayed vodka.

I’m off to pick up my friend. He’s stuck in a trunk. An elephant’s trunk. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

goldfish in d minor

Fish are musical geniuses! Science has proven it!

Researchers in Japan wanted to see if goldfish could figure out different musical compositions. So, they trained goldfish to tug on a string when Bach was playing.

If Stravinsky was playing, they weren’t supposed to do anything.

Being a Bach fan, I would pretty much do the same thing. Clearly these Goldfish have good taste. Except the one that tugged the string for Stravinsky. That goldfish and I don’t get along. You NEVER tug for Stravinsky.

There were over 100 training sessions to get the goldfish to learn that you tug on Bach. But it worked!

They can now distinguish The Rite of Spring from Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

And when they were listening to Robin Thicke, the fish would start twerking. Which is awesome and weird at the same time.

I had a fish once. Sammie. She was the best fish EVER. And after a few training sessions, she knew when it was feeding time! As soon as I picked up the food container, she would swim to the top. If I didn’t pick up the container, Sammie knew that nothing was happening.

Well, not exactly nothing. She knew it was time for me to talk about comic books for a few hours. I don’t think she liked that because she would keep tugging on the string.

I still don’t know why I had that string in there. Or why it was connected to my patent pending Bach Musical Machine. But, it was fun talking comics in G Major and listening to a Fugue in A Minor.

Then Sammie and I would talk medical advancements from 1734-1786.

Sammie also wrote a lot of classical music. They were mostly existential pieces about a plastic scuba diver. Sometimes they were about bubbles.

I’m off tug on Bach.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

rabbits at night

Science has done it once again! We now have rabbits that glow!

By injecting luminescent proteins from a jellyfish into a rabbit, these bunnies can glow green!

Sadly, the name Bluebell isn’t too great when they glow green, but it’s still a funny joke. Well, it’s a kinda funny joke to anybody who gets it. Which might be one other person...maybe? No?

Ahem...Scientists are hoping that these glowing bunnies will help them find cures for diseases like hemophilia, Alzheimer’s, and HIV.

I have NO idea how, but I guess when you have a glowing bunny, they are pretty good at doing research. And not just research during the day, but at night, too! Because they can still see their work by glowlight!

It’s like breeding super-science bunnies! I don’t know why they don't do this to humans!

They’ve apparently done it to pigs, sheep, monkeys, puppies, and kittens. Oh, and bunnies, duh. Why not just glow some humans?

You know what would be cool? Kittens that glitter-in-the-dark. Like, you turn out the lights and they sparkle. Then, every night you could have a disco party! Or, anything smaller than the cat could have a little disco party. (Glitter Kitten would be a great name for a band.)

Wait...vampires glitter-in-the-light, don’t they? At least that one from that movie did. I don’t know how true that was. I think it was based on a true story, but sometimes those movies aren’t 100% true.

Or so I’m told.

But during the day is lame! Who can disco in the day? Disco happens at night. THE END.

Maybe in 14 billion years when the sun blacks out on us, everybody will glitter and every day can be a disco day/night!

That’s the future I see. And I’m pretty good at predicting stuff. I mean, I did predict the alien invasion last year. You might not remember that because you were hit with a forgetting ray. But it happened. And I predicted it. Totally true. Well…based on a true story.

I’m off to glitter. In the dark.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

not bear or bull

But monkey! It's a monkey market!

I don't know much (I know nothing) about stocks. I DO know that there are bears and bulls. Similar to my party last night (from what I remember).

Well, science and monkeys have given us more information about stocks! Actually, science and monkeys are pretty good at figuring out everything in the world.

Some researchers asked monkeys to pick their stocks. They also had fund managers pick some stocks. Guess who’s living in a tree made of gold now?

Yep! The monkeys! They picked the better stocks and used their billions to buy a gold and diamond forest filled with figs and bananas.

A very healthy diet. If you like potassium and fiber. And who doesn't?!

I think there should be a movie about bears and bulls and monkeys. Like Kung Fu Panda meets Wall Street. OH!  And there would be a Gecko! Because that's already kinda there!

Why isn't Disney/Pixar making more movies about stock trading? Seems like a silly decision to ignore the millions they could make in merchandising.

Like a bull in a suit. Or a monkey with an oak desk. A gecko in a jail cell.

ALL of them with Kung Fu action! Because, in my head, most stocks are traded after a Kung Fu fight.

Beware of my High Yield Attack! Finish him with the Capital Gains of Doom!

I'm off to diversify.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's a lot of limbs

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the heads of animals used for research. Because sometimes Science does really cool stuff!

Have you ever heard of the coelacanth? It's a pretty famous fish. They THOUGHT it died with the dinosaurs, but it totally didn't! It was just relaxing in the Comoros Islands in the Indian Ocean!

And who can blame them?! I mean, if everybody I knew was going to go and extinct themselves, I would probably go and relax on some island somewhere and not be bothered by an extincting.

Once scientists found these fish, experiments HAD to happen! They found that some DNA in the fish "doesn't code for proteins, but somehow turns genes on and off."

I have no idea what that means, but when you put that DNA into mice, it can turn ON the genes that make limbs!

The article is strangely silent on whether the limbs were actually needed or not. I don't know if these were mice that lost a limb and had it grown back OR if there are now mice with 7 legs and 4 tails.

Possibly a bread tail. (That is funny if you read what I wrote earlier this week. Well, maybe not FUNNY funny, but kinda funny.)

As exciting as this is, it's also VERY scary. This is how Dr. Curt Connors became the Lizard. Well, with lizard DNA, not coelacanth.

Maybe if he did that, he'd become the Coelacanth. Not as easy to say. And maybe not as scary. Since he would be a fish and have to live underwater. I suppose he could attack people on the beach, but I think he would probably go relax at the Comoros Islands.

It's too bad his research was so lizardy.

I'm off to grow some limbs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the seas they are a-changin'

There's some issue with carbon dioxide. Like, we have lot of it. And it's causing all sorts of crazy changes in the ocean.

Science is always wondering, "Will changes in the atmosphere create giant sea creatures that will attack the humans and take over the world? And will they be led by Aquaman or Namor? Or Poseidon?"

At least, that's what I hear Science asking all the time. You might not, but you would if you hung out with Science like I do! We went to the park the other day and that was the question Science asked all day! That and, "How come you're so awesome?"

Science can't answer that question, but they CAN answer the first one! By testing things! FOR SCIENCE!

It turns out crabs will evolve into GIANT CRABS because of the increased carbon dioxide! Being giants, they will be hungry and eat all the oysters.

Then they'll probably eat people. Because peoples are kinda like oysters. Especially the peoples who wear pearls (ladies)!

ALSO! After watching the purple (one of my favoritest colors and the color of my new belt...but don't get me started on belts) sea urchin eat more carbon dioxide, Science found out it can totally mutate into...a purple sea urchin THAT COULD TOLERATE HIGHER CARBON DIOXIDE LEVELS.

How scary is that?!

Not scared yet? Try THIS nugget of facting on for size: purple sea urchins hang out with sea otters a lot. Can you imagine a group of angry purple sea urchins getting mad and asking their sea otter friends to attack all the humans left without pearls?!

It would be the cutest attack in history!

Then the sea otters and crabs would fight for world domination!

I hope the sea otters win. And that the purple sea urchins like me. Because I like purple. So don't eat me.

I'm off to check my carbon dioxide.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fields of gold

Want to grow some gold? You can! Science has created plants that will give you gold!

Okay, it's not like you're planting a gold ring and then a gold tree will bloom. Well, it might. I don't know for sure. You should try it just in case!

Plants are pretty amazing. They do this thing called phytomining. When they do that, they pull up metal from the soil into the plant when they're growing. So, when they're sucking up nutrients, cadmium might come up as well!

Plants that do this are (awesomely) called hyperaccumulators. I want that hyperaccumulators!

Me: "How can I run even faster than fast? My new shoes make me run really, really fast. But I want even faster!"

Merchant: "What you need is a hyperaccumulator! I have three in stock! It will cost you 20 Rupees."

Me: "Deal!"

Dah dah dah daaaaaaaah! (Somebody might get that joke.)

Scientists are hard at work to make a mustard plant that will phytomine gold. Then, you won't have to go into caves for gold. You just go to your mustard plant and eat the gold!

On a side note, I do tons of research for every article I write.  (That's not entirely true.) I looked up Sting's "Fields of Gold" song online and found the CD insert for the single. So...why is Sting holding a lightsaber in the picture?

Is Sting a Jedi?! That would totally make sense! I can't believe I never guessed that before!

With songs like "Message in a Bantha" and "Every Little Thing She Does Is the Force," how could he NOT be a Jedi!

My mind may or may not have just blown.

I'm off to hyperaccumulate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fairy circles

I love the name Fairy Circles! It makes me think of the "circle of friends" we might have.

You: "Do you know Demeter?"

Me: "Yeah! She's pretty well known in baking circles. I never hang out with her though."

You: "Why not?"

Me: "I usually hang in fairy circles. I'm also well known in rainbow circles, unicorn circles, and pi circles."

You: "That's awesome."

Me: "I know."

Fairy Circles are in Africa. They are circles in the desert where grass grows around a dead patch of dirt.  Researchers have found that it's probably termites who do this. I'm pretty sure that it's fairies, though.

Because it's in the name. And why would you name something that it isn't? That would be like calling a piano "Frank." It's just silly and doesn't make any sense.

Luckily, you have me to make sense of things.

Unless termites are fairies! Oh my stars and garters! Could it be?!

Both termites and fairies fly, can survive anything, grant wishes, and live in circles!

I think I just made a scientific discovery today. Quite possibly changing the world forever.

You’re welcome.

I'm off to make more science.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

don't put your eyes there

Science be crazy! I love science. All kinds of science. Science is totally on my list of "28 Things Of My Favoritest Things Ever."

It might actually be on the list multiple times. I can't remember more than 11 things at a time, so 12-28 are kinda hazy right now.

I should really write things down.

Tufts University is trying to treat blindness. I know! It sounds super innocent when I say that! But then I find out how! They got some tadpoles. Grafted eyes to their torsos and tails. Then removed the original eyes. Then wanted to see who could see!

Turns out, eyeballs on your tails can work! The brain is amazing. It figured out that there was vision stuff coming from a different spot. And now these tadpoles see. From their tails.

Granted, this shows how incredible our brains and bodies are. But I don't think the tadpoles are as excited about it.

Actually, the four-headed worms and six-legged frogs might not be too happy, either.

Ok...the six-legged frogs are totally cool with it. Think of the jumping height they could get! Frogs love jumpings!

What if these tadpoles decide to fight back! One day, giant tadpoles could invade the planet and see what we've been doing to their tiny tadpole cousins. Do you know what they'll do?! Do you know where they're going to graft your eyes?!

Think about that, Tufts! Next time you feel like getting all mad scientisty, remember what happens when giant tadpoles from another dimension come by for a visit! You won't be able to sit down to watch TV anymore!

I'm off to treat tadpoles with love and respect. Just in case.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

use the force to petition

Did you know that you can make a petition for ANYTHING?! Seriously! The government just lets you post it online and if you get 25,000 signatures, they have to respond to you!

Is it just me, or is this a great waste of the government's time? I mean, there have to be THOUSANDS of ridiculous petitions on there. And with people able to share things to millions of other people instantly, you can probably get 25,000 signatures before lunch time.

YES! Lunch time! Maybe not my lunch time because I eat lunch early. But normal people lunch. Like, 12pm EST. I generally eat lunch around 12pm EDT. No...wait...reverse that...I think.

I eat lunch early because I wake up early. Yeah. That's a simpler way to put it.

One person petitioned the government to make a Death Star. Just like the one from Star Wars. It got over 35,000 signatures. Therefore, we have to build one.

No...wait...I have that wrong. That means they have to RESPOND to it! And I encourage you to find the response because it's amazing. It's from Paul Shawcross. The (get ready, it's a long title) Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget.

Turns out it would cost $850 quadrillion. YEP! Quadrillion!

According to Paul, we have "a President who knows his way around a light saber." I mean, I saw pictures of Obama wielding a light saber, but I thought they were fake! Now I know they are real! And since he was riding a unicorn in one of those pictures, I also now know that unicorns are real and the President has a whole stable of them!

Sadly, there will be no Death Star. Paul says that we already have an International Space Station. Which doesn't blow up planets, but does allow us to float. Eh...I guess that's pretty cool.

I'm off to write a few (hundred) petitions.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

you never think they'll eat you

Crazy scientists always trying to create something that should NEVER exist. And they are doing it again. They have created a "jellyrat." 

Taking the heart of a rat and bio-engineering (I don't know what that word really means, but it sounds "evil scientisty") it to a thin layer of silicone, they have created a jellyfish-like creature.

Wanna know how I found a jellyfish-like creature? I SAW A JELLYFISH AT THE AQUARIUM. We don't need a cyborg rat-heart jellyfish! They already exist!

If these things learns how to jump out of the water and breathe air (Which it will, you know. These things always learn how to evolve.), it looks like it will jump onto your face and SUCK YOUR BRAIN!

I don't know about you, but I need my brain for simple AND complicated tasks. Like walking or holding a fork OR STAYING ALIVE.

So if you feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', then you know that the jellyrats have started their attack.

Luckily, I know a few beavers from the future who have laser eyes and metal hands and stuff.

They are here to protect the future from a jellyrat invasion. So we're good.

Well, I hope we are. Unless my brain has already been sucked out and I'm just telling you what they tell me to tell you.

Then hope is already lost.

I'm off to check my brain before I wreck my brain.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

speaking of science...

I miss old science. I always hear stories about scientists just "trying" things to see how it works. Seriously. Scientists be crazy! 

This guy, William Mitchell, was a chemist in 1956. He wanted to make "instant carbonated soda" by just adding water. Because, you know, when you're stranded in a desert and you need to stay alive, it would be lovely if you could find an oasis to enjoy a cool, crisp, bubbly beverage.

William, Dr. Mitchell if you're nasty, set a trap. Carbon dioxide is elusive, but a sucker for a good plant. Willy put a bunch of plants under a net. The carbon dioxide couldn't resist the lure of photosynthesis. When it came in the room...BAM! He dropped the net and got some carbon dioxide!

Once it was trapped, he put it in some hard candy tablets.

One afternoon he was experimenting with these tablets. During this time, he decided to experiment with them BY PUTTING THEM IN HIS MOUTH!

Because, you know, it's not weird or dangerous to do that with stuff you're experimenting with.

And by "not weird or dangerous" I mean TOTALLY INSANE!

Do you remember what happened to Dr. Filisper during the Manhattan Project? Probably not, because they don't like to talk about it. He was another "test it by tasting" kinda guy.

He didn't last too long.

So what have we learned today? You can trap carbon dioxide with a net!

Frankie's known that for years. (REALLY, REALLY dated joke! Ask your grandparents. They'll think it's funny.)

Dr. Mitchell was okay, though. He invented Pop Rocks instead of "instant soda."

I'm off to taste test.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i shoot lightning from my hands

Well...maybe I don't. I'm not, like, a Sith Lord or anything. THEY do that all evilly. I would NEVER shoot lightning for evil. Only at evil.

The U.S. Army has a lab. A lab where they are creating a Lightning Laser! Like Thor's Hammer! Or a Sith's hands! But in laser form!

How cool would it be to just shoot lightning out of a gun?! Scientists have figured out how to create an energized plasma channel in the air! And SHAZAM! (Comic book lightning reference. Look it up and you'll laugh) You're hit by lightning!

According to the scientists, "We never get tired of the lightning bolts zapping our simulated (targets)."

Now THAT is what I call science!

Scientist One: "What should we do today?"

Scientist Two: "How about we shoot lightning at stuffs?"

Scientist One: "Didn't we do that yesterday? Aren't you bored of that?"

Scientist Two: (Puzzled look) "???"

Scientist One: "GAH! Got ya! I'm just messin' with ya! OF COURSE we'll shoot lightning! That's what scientists do! HAHA! You should have seen the look on your face!"

Scientist Two: "HA! You totally got me! I thought we were going to have to shoot lightning at you after that comment! HA HA!"

Scientist One: "...wait...what?"

Scientist Two: "...nothing...let's go shoot lightning at stuff..."

And THAT is how science works. So kids, you should grow up to be a scientist. It's awesome. And full of lightning.

I'm off to make a plasma channel.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj