star gecko into darkness

Russia sent a satellite of geckos into space. They lost it for a few days, but it’s back. They did this to study the mating habits of geckos. In space. Because this is important research!

Here’s why this scares me. What if these geckos are mating in space and create new space geckos that can grow bigger than any gecko we’ve ever seen! Like, Godzilla sized!

Sound silly? These things happen! Just look at Godzilla!

There is a strong possibility that they will land on Earth and try to take over the planet with their sticky feet! They can climb up buildings and walls, so there is no way to keep them out!

They will demand that we make them our rulers using their adorable Australian accents. Then they’ll say, “15 minutes could save YOUR LIFE.”

Get it?! Because they’ll give us 15 minutes to submit to them. Geckos love to get things done in 15 minutes.

Also, who knows what happened when the satellite of love went missing! Do you know? I certainly don’t! It might have gone through a black hole that is connected to another dimension and a gecko baby was born there and evolved into a creature, let’s call it a Kaiju, that wants to get back to Earth and finds a way through a hole in the Pacific Ocean!

Then I’ll have to actually build my Jaeger (named Cafe Tortuga) to fight off these Kaiju who are only trying to come back home because we sent them into space to go on a date!

I’m sorry if this got a little scary. I didn’t mean to talk about giant geckos all day. But we live in scary times, so it’s better that you hear it from me than getting rumors from non-lizards on the street.

I’m off to save 15%. Or more.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the universe on your plate

Franklin Chang Diaz has been to space. A lot. When he’s not in space, he’s thinking about cooking with items FROM space.

He teamed up with some chefs in Costa Rica to let you “Taste the Stars.”

I mean, theoretically, everything I eat is from space. Since the Earth is in space, I actually enjoy space-food all the time. I’m travelling in space RIGHT NOW! So are you!

Pretty, cool, right?!

Sadly, most of my food has been stuck on Earth for a while. Franklin knew that this bothered me, so he helped create a “meteorite jus.”

I don’t know fancy food words beyond “toast,” so I’ll explain. It’s a steak sauce. It’s made with a wine called “Meteorito,” which is a wine that is “steeped with a 4.5-million-year-old meteorite.”

There you have it! You are kinda-sorta eating a meteorite when you eat this steak sauce!

I would like them to somehow get an actual star into the meal. Like a star tartar. A Startar!

Or get some Supernachovas! Nachos that explode with flavor! And radiation!

These are things that I eat. Because I sometimes travel through space. And if I forget to pack a banana, I get hungry.

I’m off to the restaurant at the end of the universe.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the continents

I saw something in the news the other day about Africa. I can’t remember what the news was, but I started saying the word “Africa” over and over again.

Sometimes, when I find a fun word, I will say it a LOT for a few hours/days. This is one of the many reasons I’m not allowed out in public.

I started wondering where the name came from. And not just Africa, but ALL the continents. I mean, was something just picked and everybody agreed?

The answer is yes. The names are mostly Latin and Greek. They would randomly describe chunks of land and those descriptions eventually spread around larger areas of land until it basically became the continent!

The stories are actually pretty interesting, so you should look them up. It would take me Too Long to describe them, but it IS very educational!

Guess what else is educational! Finding out there’s some place called “Oceania!” I guess it’s actually considered a continent? Sorta? It includes Australia and a bunch of islands. So, it’s like “Australia and Friends.”

I don’t know if I paid attention in school (I didn’t), but I feel like I should have heard about this!

And if that can be a continent, why isn’t the Arctic a continent? Antarctica is! Why not make it “Arctica?" Is it not “landy” enough?

Oh…I just looked it up online. I guess it isn’t “landy” at all. Just ice. So maybe land is a requirement.

But still, Oceania has a ton of water! How come that kinda counts?!

Whoever created the Earth certainly did NOT get a GARP degree. (YES! I know what that is. I knew the one person at my college getting a degree in Geography and Regional Planning. Though, I don’t know if I would have trusted her to plan out the Earth.)

I’m off to garp. GARP!

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space cannons

You know how we have NASA? Japan has a space program, too. But with a cooler name! JAXA! It’s the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency.

Don’t think it’s a cool name? Try this experiment. Jump into a room full of people one day and yell, “NASA!”

Then, the next day, do the same thing, but shout, “JAXA!”

Which one gets the better reaction? That’s right! JAXA! Trust me, I’ve been testing this out for weeks! Besides being banned from 38 businesses, I now know that JAXA is much more fun to scream.

JAXA has created a space cannon. To shoot at asteroids. Much like the 1979 Atari game.

This is technically supposed to shoot an asteroid so they can collect debris to test. But I’m pretty sure it’s really being made just in case a giant asteroid decides to attack Earth. Japan will shoot it for us and save the planet.

Also, in my head, they shoot the asteroid and yell “JAXA!” right after. If Japan doesn’t shout it, I will.

When I was space pirate, I had space cannons on my ship. They were not used for research. They were used to save damsels and…um…guys in distress. What’s the guy version of damsel? What is "damsel?" Hold on…I have to go look this up.

…

Got it! A damsel is a “young, unmarried woman.” It looks like “bachelor” is the best choice for an opposite.

We would save damsels in distress and bachelors in…um…bleakness! Bleakness works!

What was I talking about again? Oh…right…me being a space pirate. Which is totally true. And I would yell “JAXA!” after every successful mission.

I didn’t succeed a lot. That’s why I’m not a space pirate anymore.

I’m off to cannon an asteroid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

humans phone home

Are you from Earth? Are you sure you’re from Earth? Are you totally, absolutely sure?

You shouldn’t be! There’s a new theory that says we humans who THINK we evolved here on Earth are totally wrong! I think only one person wrote this theory, but I love it.

Now, there are a lot of ideas about how life on Earth started. But this guy says that we were already fully evolved humans when we were put on Earth. And his reasons are totally awesome.

He says that we are on a 25-hour schedule. And for some reason, Earth is only 24! Where did that extra hour come from? Another planet!

Also, we must have evolved on a planet with less gravity. How else can you account for all the back problems humans have?

And that sun! He says that most everything on Earth loves the sun and doesn’t hurt them. But it’s always burning us and making us go blind and stuff!

Finally, humans get sick. If we evolved with all the bacteria on Earth, it shouldn’t bother us so much. But it does!

He says that we came from another planet. He isn’t sure if it was by choice or if we were put here as punishment. Like an intergalactic Australia.

Well, not now, but when it used to be a British prison.

It makes sense to me. I totally believe it. But, hey, I’m a believer.

I’m also a distant relative to a space renegade. My great, great, great, great (add a lot more greats) grandmother was Katana Midnight, the toughest smuggler in the universe. She once beat up a star. Not like a celebrity. AN ACTUAL STAR. She punched it and it just collapsed on itself and became a black hole.

That’s how my family rolls.

I’m off to find my home planet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tell earth we're busy tonight

I was doing research on very important things when I came across an article about aliens. 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I was looking up stories about aliens when I came across an article about aliens. But I DO that so I can share important news with you! 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I do that because I like to read about aliens. 

Anyway! Back to the story! I came across a theory as to why we haven’t met any aliens yet because it's unlikely that humans are the only creatures in the entire universe. 

Now, it could be pretty tough for any of those other beings to actually travel to Earth. But, if they did, they probably have the ability to NOT be seen. 

So, what if they did come here, observed, and kinda said, “Meh…let’s go to another planet.”

I know! I read that theory and was ALSO offended! How could these aliens NOT want to hang out with us?! 

If there are any aliens flying by Earth and reading this, let me show you that we’re worth a visit! 

I will show you a good time! Here’s our day. We’ll go to Panera and get some food. Then get some frozen yoghurt (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose). Then we’ll go to the comic book store and buy lots and lots of comics. Read lots and lots of comics. Then we’ll find a fair and get some cotton candy and ride the carousel! 

Then, for day 2, we’ll have a Doctor Who marathon and eat tons of candy! 

Day 3 will consist of tea and crumpets. I don't know what a crumpet is, but we'll buy some and eat them and then run through the sprinkler. 

If that doesn’t entice you, well I’m pretty much out of ideas. I mean, that would probably be the best three days ever. I don’t know anybody who would disagree. 

Granted, I don’t know a lot of people. But if I DID, they WOULD agree. 

I’m off to crumpet. 

Enjoy Everything. 

-dj

my blue world

The search for planets in our gigantalicious universe is quite a challenge. Lots and lots of them are far away. By “far away,” I mean REALLY FAR AWAY.

One of these planets is 63 light years away. It’s called HD 189733b. Or, as I like to call it, Snuzzles.

Snuzzles is Blue. Like Earth! Except differentish.

On Snuzzles, it rains molten glass. That’s right! Molten glass! I have just decided that if I could have a super power, I would like to make it rain molten glass. NOBODY would mess with me!

How scary would it be to have molten glass falling on you?! You would need a lead umbrella!

Imagine the last time you were walking around in the rain and you stepped in a puddle. Now image that puddle being MOLTEN GLASS. Goodbye heels! And feet!

We’d have to wear metal galoshes!

Mine would be a red. I would paint them with anti-molten paint.

It’s like waterproofing. For MOLTEN GLASS. (I’m currently mildly obsessed with saying molten glass.)

So astronomers know that Snuzzles is blue with molten glass rain. It’s not really a place you might want to visit, but it’s pretty cool to think about what kind of animals would evolve on that kind of world.

Probably something cute. Like a baby sloth. With super strong fur that can handle molten glass! And have poison-tipped razor claws!

For extra protection.

I’m off to molten glass.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the royal society of chemistry

Sounds like an official place, right?! Like, the King and Queen of the Periodic Table! (Written Ki and Qu.) Making decrees and such about chemicals!

“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”

Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!

Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.

I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.

The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.

I am NOT making this up.

I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.

I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.

Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?

I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.

Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.

Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)

I’m off to cheese my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

lots of stuff...IN SPACE

India shot a bunch of Canadian stuff into space today! I don't know why today. (Or why it's in India.) Maybe everything just happened to be ready to go to space at the same time and they thought they would kill seven escape velocities with a single rocket. In India.

First, let me tell you about the "Canadian Suitcase." That's the unofficial name for it. I use that name because the official name is LAME. The Canadian Space Agency's Near-Earth Object Surveillance Satellite. Or NEOSSat. Seriously. That's what they call it for short.

Granted, I'm not Canadian. NEOSSat might actually be a common word in Canada. Like Maple or Bacon. Maybe it's an ancient Canadian word meaning "maple bacon...in space!"

NEOSSat (or maple bacon in space) is going to look for asteroids and space junk. So we know what kind of stuff could fall on us.

For some reason, they did not put lasers on it to shoot space junk or asteroids.

ALSO going into space are the Bright Target Explorer (or betterly code-named BRITE) satellites. They are 2 super tiny space telescopes that will look at stars.

Also, no lasers. Which is weird because if stars or asteroids or junk star falling onto Earth, wouldn't we want to stop them?

NEOSSat: "Hey Earth! There's this giant asteroid coming right at you!"

BRITES: "Also, Earth, there are a bunch of stars falling on you, too!"

EARTH: "As unlikely as all that seems, why don't you laser them or something!"

NEOSSat: "Um...we were built without lasers."

BRITES: "Yeah... ... ...awkward..."

EARTH: "Who built you?!"

NEOSSat/BRITES: "Canada."

EARTH: "Curse you Canada! Stop maple-ing bacon and start lasering!!!"

And that is why we can't have nice things.

I'm off to maple my bacon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hello, my name is asteroid

But my friends call me 2102 DA14. Or D-troid for short. Because I'm cool like that.

Okay, I'm not really an asteroid. I'm me. But it would be totally cool if I could be an asteroid! And do asteroid-y things! Like...orbit stuff...in space.

So on Friday, D-troid will fly by Earth. Really, really close. Closer than the satellites that help us find directions and watch cartoons and stuff!

The closest moment will be at 2:26pm on February 15. 17,200 miles away. (That's 27,680 kilometers). A satellite is about 22,000 miles above the Earth.

This asteroid is 150-feet wide. About half the size of a football field. I hope that comparison helps. I have no idea what a football field looks like. I imagine a football field to have mountains and deserts and desserts and stairs. I'm not a big fan of stairs, so I don't really pay attention.

Luckily, this asteroid won't hit any football fields. But if that was a fear, I know how to get rid of it.

My triangle spaceship.

It doesn't take turns very well, but it spins great. And if I jet forward a little, I can spin it again. Then I go "pew pew pew" and blow up asteroids.

Sometimes flying saucers get in my way. I take care of them too. I'm a ruthless triangle.

Also, Ruthless Triangle would be a great name for a band. And a great name for a super secret space program to destroy asteroids. Which it may or may not be. I'm not at liberty to say. Because I keep good secrets.

But just a heads up, if you see a flying isosceles, get out of the way.

I'm off to catch an asteroid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pop the giant plasma bubble

Voyager 1 is gonna pop the bubble! That's right! It's getting ready to break through the giant plasma bubble that is the edge of our solar system.

WHAT?! YES! After 35 years of just floating away from Earth, this thing is going farther than any object we threw into space!

I know. There's a lot of space stuff going on this week. But don't blame me! Blame the awesomeness of NASA! It's their fault that so much cool stuff is happening!

How amazing is it that something is still sending us information from over 11 BILLION miles away! It takes 17 hours for info from Voyager 1 to even get to us!

That's like texting somebody a question and then not getting an answer for 34 hours!

Voyager 1: LOL. Plasma bubble tickles. U shud visit. j/k srsly, tho, could u send some music? I'm boreddddd.

17 hours pass...

Earth: gr8 to hear from u V1! U R funny. U R a machine. U don't get bored. thx 4 all the sweet space info!

17 hours pass...

Voyager 1: forgot to mention...radiation changed me. now sentient. ur refusal to help will result in a death ray.

17 hours pass...

Earth: LOL!

17 hours pass

Voyager 1: not a j/k. u have 17 hours until my death ray hits you.

That was 3 hours ago. We still have 14 hours left!

I'm off to send an ipod to Voyager 1.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

curiosity kills with lasers

Curiosity landed on Mars!

This thing is EPIC! It's, like, a nuclear car. Driving around. ON MARS!

Curiosity will look around Mars to see if we can ever open a Starbucks there. Then maybe get people there, too. Starbucks first, though. That would be good.

Just in case any Martians say, "You can't have a Starbucks here!" Curiosity has a laser.

NASA "says" that this laser is there to shoot rocks. But we all know the truth. I saw John Carter (no I didn't), I know what's going on with Mars (no I don't).

I'm kidding, of course. I would never condone killing an alien species because they wouldn't let us build a Starbucks (yes I would). I'm sure the laser is only there for self-defense.

OH! Like if Saturn people try to invade! They're jerks! They think they own the universe and use their mind-beams to hit people and stuff!

I don't like them. I hope they do come to Mars and get all lasered. They deserve it. Especially after they called me names. Like "creature of mostly water" and "two-legged walker" and "doofus face."

Stinky Saturners. I'll go sat on their urn. (Ha! Good one, me.)

Maybe some day we'll have nuclear cars for Earth, too. That would be cool. Then we could explore Earth!

Who knows what we'd find there! I should let NASA know about this idea.

I'm off to Starbucks.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

don't complain, it's natural

Gassy dinosaurs caused global warming! YEP! All that methane from giant dinos made for a "hot, wet Mesozoic era." Can you IMAGINE what that smelled like?!

Stinky!

Unlike me. I'm never stinky.

And you, too. You are never stinky.

Aren't we lucky to never be stinky like that? We are.

So these dinosaurs were tootin' up a storm keeping the planet nice and warm for all their dinosaur games when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant rock from the planet Krypton crashes into Earth and blocks out the sun!

No more sun meant no more plants. And no more plants meant no more food. No more food meant no more methane keeping us all snuggly warm.

That's when the Ice Cream Age started! That's my favorite. It was all vanilla and yummy.

Dinosaurs ate all the ice cream. But ice cream didn't make them gassy, so it stayed cold and they didn't have wool socks to keep them warm because sheep hadn't been invented yet.

So they froze and only came back recently like Captain America.

Luckily, now we can enjoy ice cream with Captain America on hot, wet Mesozoic days.

I'm off to produce some methane.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj