putting the ants in plants

Here's the headline I saw: "Carnivorous Plants Employ Bodyguard Ants."

WHAT?! If you weren't scared about the end of the world before, you should be now!

These plants (THAT EAT MEAT, BY THE WAY) pay ants with nectar to protect them from enemies on the ground so they can catch MEAT ANIMALS from above.

Not scared?

How about this: Plants can use their roots to walk. I've seen it. On TV. In cartoons. And once they get as big as houses, THEY MOVE PRETTY FAST.

Imagine giant plants coming to town to EAT MEAT with an army of bodyguard ants in front of them. What chance do we have?!

Oh, in case you forgot, YOU ARE MEAT. Again...these plants EAT MEAT.

Are you getting it now?! Are you scared?!

You should be. This is doomsday scenario #962.

I have 8,487 scenarios. 7,034 of them involve dinosaurs.

Sometimes they help the humans fight robots. Sometimes they eat first and ask questions later.

I like the times when I ride them like horsies. Those are the fun scenarios.

Maybe I should start a list of "Fun Riding Dinosaurs" scenarios instead of "Doomsday" scenarios.

I'm off work on my lists.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

always make it bigger

If I've said it once, I've said it 3.141592653589793... times! If candy is good, BIGGER candy is better!

It's simple math. If Domingo has a Twix bar and Sunshine has a BIGGER Twix bar, how much more awesomer is Sunshine?

Answer: WAY MORE AWESOMER!

I bring this up because Williams-Sonoma has something amazing. I don't know who Williams-Sonoma is, but he or she must be some kind of Willy-Wonka-style wizard or witch who can make candy bigger.

There is a giant peanut butter cup on their website! It's, like, the size of a big pie! (get it? pie/pi? from earlier?) How cool is that?! It's two layers of chocolate cake with peanut butter in the middle of them. THEN it is covered with a chocolate shell!

Not hard like a turtle shell. Hard enough to hold in cake, but soft enough to eat.

And you can buy it!

The website SAYS that it serves 10. But I'm pretty sure that means 1. Or maybe, on a good day, 3.14 people.

I would love to have a giant DOT. Like, big enough for me to eat into and live inside. That would be cool.

I bet ants feel like that. Not bear ants, but regular ants.

I wish I could be an ant. Not a bear ant, a regular ant.

I'm off to make it bigger.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

science should know by now that this is a bad idea

What are they thinking?! Scientists have created "supersoldier" ants with HUGE HEADS! They figured out what genes to "mess around" with to give ants GIANT MANDIBLES!

REALLY?! Haven't these people watched ANY science FACT movies from the 50's! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

I once saw a movie with giant grasshoppers. Do you know what happened. PEOPLE GOT HURT! They climbed buildings!

Do we REALLY want giant ants?! They lift 50 times their own weight. Do you know how much that is when an ant is bigger than you? I can tell you. IT'S A LOT!

Luckily, I have a backup plan. It involves gophers, hedgehogs and clip-on ties.

But we can avoid all this with one simple idea: Stop making giant ants.

INSTEAD! Let's make giant Hershey Kisses. I know what you're thinking, "They already make giant Hershey Kisses."

No. They don't. Those are kinda big Hershey Kisses. Bigger than the ones in the bag. But not GIANT. When I say giant, I MEAN GIANT! Like, as big as Australia! THAT is giant!

This way, we won't get eaten by giant ants. And we get chocolate.

I say that's a win-win. And two wins are better than a mandible crushing your head. Trust me, I know.

I'm off to talk with the hedgehogs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj