great deals in emails

I get a LOT of spam. The email, not the meatish stuff. Most of them are generic spammy things. But there are some I don’t quite understand.

Like keychains. I regularly get emails with the headline “Cheap Keychains!”

Really?! That’s what you’re going to sell me? Is there a huge market for keychains I don't know about?

Do you often think, “I wish I could order tons of keychains at a low price! I have so many keys! Each key DESERVES its own personal chain! Because keys always get jealous!”

If you do often think that, I have a spam folder full of emails just for you!

Also, I get a lot of emails trying to sell me ladies' watches. I’m not sure if I should be offended. I do have petite wrists, but I wouldn’t call them feminine.

They’re actually, in my opinion, the manliest wrists I’ve ever seen. They can life my hands without any effort.

Also, I can use a slap bracelet, like, 10 times before it hurts. That’s pretty manly!

Who needs a watch, anyway? Isn’t that what my phone is for? People haven’t worn watches since the fall of Rome! I think they found one on Romulus Augustulus! And we all know how good THAT worked out for him!

Odoacer: “Hey Romulus! What time is it?”

Romulus: “Looks like it’s 2:40.”

Odoacer: “WRONG! It’s time for Rome to fall! Loser!”

Romulus: “I don’t know. My watch still says 2:40.”

Odoacer: “And people wonder why Rome is falling.”

My old Latin teacher will find that hilarious. Or maybe not. I don’t think he ever found my humor funny. At least, my grades weren’t funny. (I didn’t do well in the Latins.)

I’m off to semper ubi sub ubi. (That’s all I remember from Latin.)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

dinosaur meat

When dinosaurs return to the living, (That's right. WHEN. Because they will be back. IF they aren't back already???) which one would you eat?

That's what somebody tried to figure out. I found this article and it's awful! Dinosaurs should NEVER be eaten! They should be treated as equals!

IF you are curious, they say we would probably want herbivores. Because most of the meat we eat now comes from herbivores. And they make for a better meat.

Want good white meat? Try some armored dinosaurs.

Hadrosaurs would be good for red meat since they were on the move a lot.

But again, don't eat dinosaurs! If any dinosaur is reading this, I fully support your return to the world and would never eat you so you should make me a king of people-dinosaur relations.

Now, if dinosaurs return and are not intelligent enough to run governments (even though I'm hopeful they will be), then we should treat them like beloved pets.

Every day I would play fetch with my T-Rex. I would take my Apatosaurus for the best walks ever!

And I would ride my Triceratops all over town! Because Triceratopses LOVE going for a daily ride. They're like horses. Or unicorns. But with three horns. A tricorn.

I love this world of dinosaurs.

I bet they like getted petted and not eated. So we shouldn't eat dinosaurs. Ever.

I'm off to be a dinosaur king.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

putting the ants in plants

Here's the headline I saw: "Carnivorous Plants Employ Bodyguard Ants."

WHAT?! If you weren't scared about the end of the world before, you should be now!

These plants (THAT EAT MEAT, BY THE WAY) pay ants with nectar to protect them from enemies on the ground so they can catch MEAT ANIMALS from above.

Not scared?

How about this: Plants can use their roots to walk. I've seen it. On TV. In cartoons. And once they get as big as houses, THEY MOVE PRETTY FAST.

Imagine giant plants coming to town to EAT MEAT with an army of bodyguard ants in front of them. What chance do we have?!

Oh, in case you forgot, YOU ARE MEAT. Again...these plants EAT MEAT.

Are you getting it now?! Are you scared?!

You should be. This is doomsday scenario #962.

I have 8,487 scenarios. 7,034 of them involve dinosaurs.

Sometimes they help the humans fight robots. Sometimes they eat first and ask questions later.

I like the times when I ride them like horsies. Those are the fun scenarios.

Maybe I should start a list of "Fun Riding Dinosaurs" scenarios instead of "Doomsday" scenarios.

I'm off work on my lists.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj