optimus prime press pass

The Associated Press is a large news company. Whenever you see “AP” at the beginning of an article, you know that the Associated Press wrote it.

They do stories about everything and everywhere. Then other news people can print them for a fee. So they can PAY the reporters doing the news about everything and everywhere! At least, I have heard that OTHER people who write stuff get paid monies. I get paid in occasional compliments from my mother. The only person who reads this. Hi mom.

Well! They are going to start letting robots do some of the work! That’s right! They’ve hired robots to take care of reporting the news.

So instead of “Human Interest” stories, we’ll see “Robot Interest” stories. Like stories about how child star Johnny 5 managed his life so well that he now runs most of the Segway tours across America.

What they are actually doing is letting the robots just get data from very things like business numbers and baseball scores and report it immediately so humans can spend more time doing the in-depth reporting about business numbers and baseball scores.

Now this might sound all fine and spiffy-dandy, but not if you listen to Louis Del Monte! Who, sadly, has nothing to do with fruit.

He says that robots will take over the Earth by 2045! (Surely due to excellent reporting.) Machines will become smarter than humans and realize that humans are getting in the way of building more robots (to write the news), so they’ll make us into subservient cyborgs!

Why? They’ll see us as a threat because we can create computer viruses. Though, couldn’t an evil robot just make a computer virus as well? So…aren’t they a threat to themselves?

Yes. So they’ll have these giant robot wars! The world will become a Michael Bay movie! Michael Bay will become a cyborg that can keep making movies with no plot and lots of explosions! And robots will see them because of robot nostalgia! Michael Bay will rule the world until a small group of independent film-makers/computer virus-writers make a movie that touches the human heart and destroys the robot’s mainframe! They’ll call it The Humanator! It will be rated PG-13! For strong language and some violence!

I’m off to take a Segway tour of the AP.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

robot hunting

Police in Florida have created robot deer! See, there's a problem with people hunting out of season and this is their plan to solve it. The robots just sit there looking all deery and when a hunter (not following the hunting season laws) shoots it, the deer will transform into a police officer and arrest the hunter! (Transformation may not actually be true.)

The deer actually just sit there and cops jump out from trees and stuff to catch the hunters. Maybe the cops can transform into shrubbery.

Animals should really evolve into robots. I wonder why that hasn't happened yet? I mean, being a transforming robot is WAY better camouflage than being brown or having spots or having great hair.

Have you ever tried to hunt a brown animal in a forest of green trees? It's so easy!

Trust me, I should know. I was a robot hunter for years in the Andes. Don't worry, I only hunted evil robots during the appropriate evil robot hunting season.

But it was hard! These huge monster-bots could transform into adorable creatures like baby penguins and corgis!

Luckily, being the keen hunter that I am, I knew that corgis and baby penguins didn't hang out in the Andes. Inside sinister buildings. With mutant crocodiles and chainsaw fences. And hostages.

I was once tricked by a baby seal that could transform into a death trap. But that's the sort of risk I take. You don't accept this job thinking it will be a cakewalk.

Though, the ad DID say "Cakewalkers Needed." And with my years of experience as a cakewalker, I totally thought I was qualified.

Now I can walk on a cake and take out an evil chinchilla-bot from 5,000 meters on a Sunday afternoon with a 50% chance of rain.

I'm dangerous like that.

I'm off to transform into a deer.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more canadian currency

Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.

A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!

Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”

Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!

The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.

The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.

These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!

It will be so much fun!

Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”

Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”

Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”

Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”

Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.

I’m off to syrup my maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

robot revolution

Experts are pretty sure humans are done for. They say that robots will overtake us by 2100.

I don’t know if you think this is totally awesome or totally scary. I’m going to go with TOTALLY AWESOME!

Who cares if robots take over?! The world was getting so “human.” I mean, we all do these human things. Like work and move and stuff. What’s the point?

Once robots take over the world and start building new robots to replace old robots, we’ll be able to just sit and do NOTHING. How amazing will that be?!

We could be, like, pets to the robots! Do you ever look at your dog or your cat and think, “How loverly and lazily your life must be...ily! I wish that could be me...ily!”

Once robots take over, it CAN be you! We’ll play with balls of yarn and have automatic feeders and go for walks!

Instead of cat videos online, robots will post human videos of us doing crazy things! And do silly visual effects like adding lightsabers and stuff!

Okay…humans already do that without the aid of robots. I don’t know what that says about us…

Maybe they’ll build robot dragons and let me have one! That would be the coolest thing ever!

Now are you convinced to let the robots take over? I thought so. It’s going to be a good life.

I’m off to play with a ball of yarn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

oh my wow of wowness!

I can't even describe how crazy-awesome this is! Go Science! Go Medical Science! Go Human Bodayyyyy!

Have you heard about this guy who got the double-arm transplant? If not, Brendan Marrocco lost all four limbs during the Iraq War in 2009. About a month ago, they put some new arms on him. THAT HE CAN MOVE.

Yes, they attached human arms to him! He had a press conference and used his NEW arms to get himself into the room on a wheelchair.

Remember! These were arms he did NOT have a month ago! And he's using them now. HUMAN ARMS!

How is this not the most amazing thing ever?!

If it were me, I would have asked for one arm to be from a polar bear and the other to be a super-strong "transform-into-anything" robot arm.

Luckily, I don't have to think about anything like that. Mostly because the most dangerous thing I do is read comic books. Which could give me a paper cut, but not fancy robot arms.

I don't have much else to say about this. I just had to share, because, you know, HE HAS NEW HUMAN ARMS. The fact that we can actually do this literally blows my mind.

And no, you don't have to define literally and figuratively to me. I know what I said and I said what I meant and I meant what I said what I know. My mind has officially blown out. Possibly needing a robotic replacement. If one's available.

This is an amazing world we live in. For reals this time. Not like when I talk about the amazing softness from pillow technology. Which is cool, but boiling hot compared to the coolness of new human arm transplantationing.

I'm off to sit in awe of science.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter review

Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year. I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! Tomorrow you will see my year of 2012, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last two years. Because my life continues FOREVER! It's, like, a Never Ending Story! So below, I put 2010 and 2011 with hopes that it will help you understand 2012. So curl up with your Luck Dragon and enjoy!

christmas letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

____________

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

surgery and football

Scientists in Great Britain have created the future for you! TODAY!

They are working on robots that can speak 20 languages, play football, AND perform surgery! (Since it is in Great Britain, I imagine that they mean international football/american soccer. But as far as I know, they're basically the same thing with different scoring rules.)

Soon, you'll be able to watch them play football/soccer while replacing a heart and ALSO take customer service calls from one of twenty different languaged locations!

Luckily, they haven't created robots that know how to ninja or wizard you. But we should be careful JUST IN CASE.

See, soccer/football is a gateway sport. It often leads to ninja.

Also, little known fact, surgerying is a gateway activity to wizarding/witchcrafting!

And an even lesser known fact, knowing how to speak 20 languages is a gateway skill to learning 21 languages!

If you have a robot that knows ninja and wizard and 21 languages, you have a recipe for disaster!

Or tim tams. I can never remember which.

I hope it's the tim tams. Otherwise, we're doomed.

I could go for a tim tam right now.

If I could only make it past the ninja/witch/robot yelling at me in another language.

I'm off to find a gateway robot.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

lean back for health

I recently saw an article that said sitting is bad for you. I'm cool with that. I like to stand most of the time. It's more fun. It's easier to dance when you're standing. 

BUT! They said that if you are sitting it is best to recline and NOT sit straight up!

Since I do a lot of driving, I wanted to test this out. So far...not great.

I have to put the seat REALLY close to the pedals so I can recline and still reach the steering wheel.

I know some people do that because it's really cool to look "relaxed" behind the wheel. But what people DON'T see is my knees squished against the dashboard.

So what do I do? It's better for my body to be reclined. But it's so uncomfortable for my legs! If my legs were 30 cm shorter, this would be perfect.

Why did I have to be cursed/blessed with beautiful, long legs?! They're amazing when I have to go ninja-kick evil robot otters, but such a pain when I have to drive to the locations that said evil resides.

And since I do a lot of driving to evil locations, my legs are unhappy. And unhappy legs means less amazing ninja skills.

Less amazing ninja skills means evil could win. But is sitting straight up also a form of evil? Is evil out to get me from every direction?

I smell an evil conspiracy.

I also smell burning rubber. I don't know why. I should probably worry about that because it's making me a little light-headed.

I'm off to adjust my seat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

putting the ants in plants

Here's the headline I saw: "Carnivorous Plants Employ Bodyguard Ants."

WHAT?! If you weren't scared about the end of the world before, you should be now!

These plants (THAT EAT MEAT, BY THE WAY) pay ants with nectar to protect them from enemies on the ground so they can catch MEAT ANIMALS from above.

Not scared?

How about this: Plants can use their roots to walk. I've seen it. On TV. In cartoons. And once they get as big as houses, THEY MOVE PRETTY FAST.

Imagine giant plants coming to town to EAT MEAT with an army of bodyguard ants in front of them. What chance do we have?!

Oh, in case you forgot, YOU ARE MEAT. Again...these plants EAT MEAT.

Are you getting it now?! Are you scared?!

You should be. This is doomsday scenario #962.

I have 8,487 scenarios. 7,034 of them involve dinosaurs.

Sometimes they help the humans fight robots. Sometimes they eat first and ask questions later.

I like the times when I ride them like horsies. Those are the fun scenarios.

Maybe I should start a list of "Fun Riding Dinosaurs" scenarios instead of "Doomsday" scenarios.

I'm off work on my lists.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

singapore loves hugs

Coca-Cola wants to share the love with free soda! That's right! They have created a vending machine in Singapore that will pop out a can of Coke if you hug the machine!

That's all you have to do! Just hug it! And it's free!

Now, I've been hugging vending machines for years. I would press G-7 for a bag of pretzels, the bag would fall down, I would take it out, then I would hug the machine and say, "Thank you for your service and love...and salty, pretzel goodness."

"Salty, pretzel goodness" can be replaced with whatever I buy. I don't always buy pretzels. Sometimes I buy Pop-Tarts. When I buy those, I say "sugary, fruit-filled yummness."

There's a lot of hyphenating today! Coca-Cola, Pop-Tarts, fruit-filled, hug-love, car-stick, fun-dug, hoop-star, etc-etc...

Well...some of those I just made up right now and they have nothing to do with hugging a vending-machine, but it's so fun to hyphenate! Even when you don't need-them!

I hope you hug machines that give you stuff. The gas pump, ATM, CoinStar, whatever. They deserve to be loved for their hard work.

Just in case they decide to take over the world, they will remember that you loved them. And they will love you back and maybe NOT make you slaves in their robot world.

That's my hope.

I'm off to hug a hyphen.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

abs of steel is not real steel

Some guy in Russia works out a lot. So much, in fact, that he thought his abs were made of REAL STEEL!

SO! He told his friend to stab him. With a knife. Because, you know, they're steel abs.

That guy is now in the hospital. With a stab wound to the abs.

Don't do that. Your abs will not become steel unless you actually see steel being put into your ab area.

I do not have abs of steel, but I DO have an almost ab of numbness.

For unknown medical reasons, I have numbness happening all over my body. So far I can function pretty normally. Well, not mentally, but I can walk and type, so that's good.

If, for some reason, I DO come across somebody who truly believes I am made of steel and they stab me, I WILL get a stab wound.

But! If they stab me in my numb spot, I won't feel it!

There's a good chance I'll die, but either way, I won't feel it.

Still, please don't stab me. Wait...don't stab anybody. Except actual robots made of steel. STEEL YOU CAN SEE! And ONLY if these robots are attacking you! Robots are generally friendly unless provoked by CONSTANT STABBINGS!

Again. No stabbies. It's illegal.

Thank you.

I'm off to work on my ab.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj