banana still in the peel

Somebody has invented a banana corer. I guess they wanted to make bananas more interesting. By filling them with sweetness!

I’ll try to explain. You put the unpeeled banana in the holder. Then, you put this metal thing that looks like a giant needle through the banana. You then have a small hole at the top. Then you squeeze something in there like caramel or chocolate or whipped cream.

You eat it and find a tasty surprise!

This was created in Argentina. I’m guessing they want to sell more bananas and this will make bananas more fun.

I don’t think they need to sell me on this. I eat bananas like crazy. They are already sweet and so easy to eat! Just peel and eat! Done!

I might fill my banana with peanut butter. Because I eat that almost every day. I will put some peanut butter on bread and put a banana on it. It looks kinda like a hot dog. Well…if the bun was a piece of wheat bread and the ketchup was peanut butter and the hot dog was a banana.

Ok, so it’s almost nothing like a hot dog. But it’s good! I don’t even cut the banana. THAT is how lazy I am. And you know what? I don’t care! It’s So Good. It’s like a Banana in a Blanket.

I wonder if you can inject any other fruits with caramel? I mean, you could core an apple, but the caramel center would be too hard to get to.

On the other hand, I guess they already solved that by putting the caramel or chocolate on the outside.

Strawberries and blueberries are too small to really inject with anything.

OH! What about carrots! That’s a vegetable that you could inject something into! Maybe caramel? Like caramel carrots? I wonder if that’s any good. I’ll have to try that. Carrots deserve to get banana respect.

I’m off to inject fruits and vegetables.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

chocolate pudding fruit

That’s a thing. A real thing. It’s called a Black Sapote. BUT it is also known as Chocolate Pudding Fruit!

When I heard about this, I almost exploded from excitement. Literally. It’s happened before, so I know what it feels like when it almost happens.

Then I got skeptical. Because, you know, you would THINK a fruit that tastes like chocolate would SELL LIKE A FRUIT THAT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE.

It’s a decent fruit. Pretty high in fiber. Vitamin A and C. But does it taste like chocolate pudding?!

Well…maybe. Since I can’t really find this fruit anywhere, I looked it up online. Most people seem to say that it has a mild chocolate flavor. Though, somebody said it was like pear/banana combo. A pearana? Banear?

One person said it might be psychological because it LOOKS just like chocolate pudding. You can’t eat the skin, so you cut it open, and chocolate pudding is in there!

This is like peeling an orange and a finding whipped cream!

Or opening a watermelon and finding a puppy!

Or cutting open an apple to find out it’s filled with love and gummy bears!

So yes, this fruit does exist. But it’s not quite the miracle we thought. I would still like to try it.

Even if it doesn’t taste just like chocolate, it can’t be as bad as cutting a mango.

Yes. I’m still bitter. Like arugula.

I’m off to peel a banana to see what’s inside. I hope it's a rainbow.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

powder my beverage

Nestle has decided to make a machine that will give you all the nutrients you need with the push of a button. It’s being researched now at the NIHS. No, not the National Institute for Highway Safety. That’s just silly. It’s the Nestle Institute of Health Sciences. (Yes. They have an institute.)

I wonder if that was there when they invented Nesquik (previously known as Nestle Quik)?

Scientist 1: “Milk isn’t chocolaty enough.”

Scientist 2: “I agree. And it’s not pink enough. What could we do to make it pinker?”

Scientist 3: “Let’s make a chocolate powder to add to it! And a strawberry powder! And it will be healthier!”

Scientist 1: “That’s not a bad idea! Wait…who are you? You don’t work here! And why do you have a giant ‘N’ on your necklace?”

Scientist 2: (Grabbing his lab coat and hat) “It’s a bunny!

Quik Bunny: “You can’t catch me! I’m Quik!”

Then history was made with tastier milk and safer speeds on the highway.

This new product will, in theory, scan your body and let you know what nutrients you’re missing. Then it will make a powder of some sort, because that’s what Nestle does, that you add to your milk to give you a healthy day!

They call it “Iron Man.” I have no idea why. I mean, it’s slightly more like a Replicator from Star Trek. It doesn’t create a suit of armor to fight evil with, it creates a food to eat.

Well, not food. Powder. Because the Quik Bunny is now in charge of Nestle and EVERY idea has to involve powder.

His new jingle is, “If you can’t add it to milk, and you can’t make it Quik, YOU’RE FIRED because you make me sick!”

He’s pretty ruthless. Seriously, you can't powder ruth, so it's just completely gone.

I’m off to milk my powder.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

foresight activation

Hershey’s is looking to hire a Senior Manager in “Foresight Activation.” Somebody who can see what trends will be happening in the future and make sure that Hershey acts on those trends.

They should hire me. President Hershey, this is my resume.

I see people eating chocolate bars. That is the trend. I will act on that trend by eating a chocolate bar.

The end.

Hire me.

Still not convinced?! Looking for something a little more radical? Okay, Hershey, try THIS on!

Think about how you get a TV show. It’s just info over the air. The same with Wi-Fi at home. Data just going through you.

Well! How about doing the same thing with chocolate bars! I was thinking of calling it Wonkavision. Or Wo-Fi.

That might not be legal. So, how about Hershyvision! And He-Fi!

If that’s not enough to convince you, here’s my last idea.

Put stuff in chocolate bars. Not just peanuts and caramel. Do a full-on nut bar! With peanuts, cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, and walnuts! Make it BIG.

Or do a seed bar with pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds!

Put in caramel and chocolate goo and gummy bears and popcorn and waffles and honey and maple syrup! You can even do it with the Kisses. Put a gummy bear in each one!

This is what the people want!

Now hire me.

I’m off work my activision.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bigger candy wins again

I’ve said this for years. When you make candy and want to sell more of it, just MAKE IT BIGGER.

Finally, m&m’s are joining the party! This year, they are adding new MEGA-style candy-coated chocolate.

THREE TIMES the amount of chocolate getting coated with candy! That will also require some extra candy coating! I don’t know the coating-to-chocolate ratio, so I cannot tell you exactly how much more coating will be needed, but I’m fairly confident it will be LOTS more!

I have also tried some new flavors of m&m’s. Generally, I’m not a fan of possessive candy, but having done my research on them, I feel like it’s acceptable to try new varieties. But I will NOT let them own me!

There is a white chocolate peppermint flavor and a holiday mint flavor.

Both tasted minty. And were good. You can probably get them cheaper now. I did.

Though, I am not quite sure what flavor “holiday” is. I did not know that was, in fact, a flavor. Or that it was even a variety of mint!

I mean, there’s wintergreen mint, pepper mint, and spear mint, but what is "holiday?" And how do you make it minty?!

Doing intense research online came up with nothing. So, I cannot officially tell you what "holiday" is or how it became a flavor.

Maybe it's more like saying, "That's cool." Or, "That's awesome." When I was younger, I used to say, "That's totally mint!" I should say that more often.

I DID enjoy green flavor recently. NOT wintergreen. Unspecified-season green. It was in the form of yoghurt that was frozen. I would say it tasted "mint," but that might be confusing. Since the flavor was not mint. It was just "green." Green tastes good.

Green Tastes Good would also be a good name for a band.

I’m off to lick a holiday.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

yeah yeah yeah

Yeah!

That’s all you needed to hear isn’t it? Now you will believe EVERYTHING I SAY.

According to MIT you will! They found out that “yeah” is the “most persuasive word” in business. It will help you get your way and make people trust you.

Other strong words are “meeting” and “start.”

Trusting me so far? I bet you are! Yeah! Trust me!

I am going to start putting “yeah” into everything I say. I might just put it in random spots. You know, to instill even MORE trustiness!

I think I’ll gather everybody I know and tell them this:

Let’s START the MEETING about why I need more money and candy and a pet porcupine. YEAH! MEETING time! I would like to START by saying that building me a candy castle is the best idea ever. We should START making this castle immediately. We can have a MEETING about this building soon. YEAH, building this castle is a great idea. Also, the moat should be filled with chocolate. YEAH, chocolate. Let’s START the MEETING about the chocolate moat tomorrow. YEAH!

How about that?! Don’t you trust me now?! You find my words VERY PERSUASIVE! Do my bidding!

YEAH! You will! Because I used the MOST POWERFUL WORD IN BUSINESS! I used it excessively, which means, you will trust me excessively.

Do you want stuff to? Us it yourself!

Do you want a robot to hang your laundry? YEAH!

Do you want a cake made out of cookies? YEAH!

Do you want a stick of artificially-flavored, minty gum?! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

All these things and so much more can be yours! Yeah!

I’m off to START a MEETING. YEAH.

Enjoy Everything. Yeah.

-dj

that's a good snack

I was thinking about going to the movies. I don't actually go very often, but I THINK about it LOTS.

Did you know that you can buy popcorn at the movies? It's a pretty popular choice for a movie-snack. Candy is also very popular.

And, if the movie theater is awesome, pizza, nachos, and pretzels are also popular. Actually, they pretty much have anything you could ever want there. It's really just a food court...with movies.

Do you think they'd let me make my own snack? I kinda want to try something. I'll buy a medium popcorn, but ask if they can put it in the large bucket. THEN! I'll buy a bunch of candy. Like gummy bears and Skittles and M&M's and Twizzlers and put them all in the bucket and shake it around so I have a candy/popcorn Bucket Of Fun!

Wait...why are M&M's possessive? What do they own? I always thought one candy-coated chocolate was a single M&M and that many of them were M&Ms. But NO. They are officially M&M's!

After hours of research, I found out for you! They are named after the guys who invented them. Mars and Murrie. So, do Mars and Murrie still claim ownership to every candy-coated chocolate in every bag we buy?

They do! The bag says "M&M's Chocolate Candies!" I've been wrong all these years! I call them M&Ms, but that's not what they are! They're just officially Chocolate Candies!

I can't believe I never knew this. Luckily, everybody knows what I'm looking for when I say M&M's. If they made frozen fish or glass cleaner, it might have caused some problems in my life.

Me: "I'm in the mood for M&M's."

You: "To clean your mirrors? Or did you want M&M's Fish Sticks and Custard?"

Me: "Not those! The Chocolate Candies!"

You: "Oh! Well, you should be more specific since M&M's owns multiple items."

Me: "I really should be. But since this conversation is imaginary, it's not really a problem."

Correct! It is not a problem! But, it could have been if Mars and Murrie didn't get lazy and stop at chocolate candies.

I'm off to get a bucket of fun.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

jelly bean season is here

And the hunt is on! I love jelly beans. Easter is the BEST time for jelly beans.

Also, a bonus is Cadbury Mini Eggs. Which have some sort of magical candy frosting around delicious chocolate. I say "magical" because I've never tasted anything quite like it in my ENTIRE LIFE. That's right. The wholeness of my life encompasses my attempts to find a similar taste and all attempts have FAILED.

But let us get back to jelly beans. Which I may or may not have talked about a million times before. But who cares! It's worth talking about them again! Because they're so good. And so jelly. And so beany.

I found Glitter Jelly Beans at the store! GLITTER! If I could legally change my name to Gary Glitter and NOT have people ask me to Rock and Roll all the time, I totally would.

ALSO! Swedish Fish Jelly Beans! They're, like, the caviar of Swedish Fish!

So far they only come in Red flavor. Yes, that IS the official flavor. According to the website, which you should totally check out, the flavors are Red, Assorted, and Swedish Fish Aqua Life.

I would probably eat more fish if they tasted Red. I love Red flavor so much. There is a possibility that I would become a Swedish fisherman if I could catch Swedish Fish! I would use hooks and nets to catch fish and maybe those lobster trap things to get some jelly beans!

I would totally become a pescatarian! A Swedish Pescatarian!

I hope the Easter Fishy comes by this year and brings me Swedish Fish Jelly Beans. That would be totally Red.

I'm off to get my Swedish fishing license. (Say that 100 times fast!)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all aboard the chocolate train

Well, it's Thanksgiving Eve! The night we put out gourds for Gobble Claus to snack on while he delivers giblets and pies to all the good children.

AND, it looks like Gobble got my Thanksgiving letter this year! I asked for a train made of chocolate and it's here!

I don't know why he delivered it to Brussels. I guess it ran out of chocolate steam. Had to stop there. I'm sure it will be delivered to my house soon. To pick me up. So I can go on a trip around the world.

Then, after that, I can eat it. It's 2,755 pounds. 112 feet long. And ONLY has 6.5 MILLION calories!

That is the kind of train I can get aboard! I think I will travel on it all day on Thanksgiving and toss out pies to everybody I see.

I'll be like a pie fairy.

Then I'll eat it. I don't want to eat it until after I ride it. I suppose I could snack a little while locomoting, but not the wheels. I'll just have pieces of roof in the warmer climates. Because I'm going around the world. In a chocolate train.

OH! I just thought of something! Instead of "locomotion," I'll be traveling in "chocomotion!" That's the best word ever!

My life is amazing!

I'm off to chocomote.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

no taxation on chocolatification

I was such a huge fan of France. I mean, for almost a whole week I couldn't stop writing about them! For me to be excited about something for a WHOLE WEEK is pretty impressive!

With all their gastronomy fairs and towers and chocolate-marshmallow bears and dijon! Who couldn't love France?!

Turns out I can't. Because of the "Nutella Tax."

Go ahead. I'll wait for the GASP...GASP!

France is worried about the obesity problem. YES! The place where there is a WHOLE FAIR DEDICATED to EATING FOOD.

The place where they celebrate marshmallow bears COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.

The place where people CHUG MUSTARD because it's all dijony!

Ok...that last one might not be true. But it SOUNDS true.

They want to put taxes on taxes on taxes for palm oil. An ingredient in Nutella.

If that's the way France wants to play, then I don't want any part of it. I do know that if this DOES happen, we'll probably have thousands of French people coming to America where the Nutella flows like the mighty Mississippi.

Well, at MY house it does. Because I built a mountain out of chocolate and I pour Nutella down it every day to make Nutella rivers. Sometimes I put little candy boats on it. If the sun is out, you might even get a chocolate rainbow.

I love chocolate rainbows.

I'm off to chug mustard.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fifty years of oursons guimauve

Chocolate-covered marshmallow teddy bears have just turned 50. The French LOVE them. I know that because I saw the headline that said "Why the French Love Chocolate Bears."

When I saw that headline, I got very excited. In my head, this was a full-size bear made of chocolate. That told me stories at night. And didn't mind when I would eat its giant chocolate arm.

These little oursons guimauveses might be fantastic. The French think they are BEYOND fantastic. Actually saying it "is like Marcel Proust's madeleine cake that launched his voyage into the remembrance of things past."

From what I gather, Proust had some sort of magic cake that would cause him to remember things when he was a child.

Like if your grandmother always had a milano cookie ready for you after dinner, you might remember those dinners as soon as you bite into a milano cookie.

Or if you walk into a house that smells like the cottage you went to when you were younger, you immediately feel like you're back there.

THAT is the Marcelian Proustian reference. Which isn't great. Because that means if you DO eat an oursons guimauve, you are going to write 3,200 pages of memories about 2,000 people and die before you finish your edits.

Is that really the reference the French should use? Really? How about, "It's like the Eiffel Tower in your mouth!"

Or, "Tastes better than the Louvre on a Sunday!"

NOPE! Those French have to go and make a literary reference!

There's always so much ado about nothing in France. Whatever...all's well that ends well, right?

Wanna hear my literary reference? Oursons guimauve are like the Guardians of the Galaxy teaming up with the Avengers to stop the Skrulls from taking over the Earth.

THAT is how you get literary!

I'm off to oursons guimauve.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

waffles within the border

It's National Waffle Day! It is NOT, I repeat NOT, INTERNATIONAL Waffle Day!

And that is just the start of the confusion!

Being excited about Waffle Day, you probably want to go eat waffles. But to celebrate properly, you don't want to eat any waffles that are outside national jurisdiction. Since it is not International Waffle Day.

But is Belgian Waffle really from Belgia? According to my team of researchers (wikipedia), the Belgian waffle was invented in the North America Nation (where we are)! So go for it!

Of course, if you want a Stroopwafel or a Pandan waffle, you are out of luck. I know. You're upset. But it can't be helped. If you even TRY to sneak a Gaufres a la Flamande onto your plate, the waffle police will arrest you and put you in a vat of syrup.

Which actually sounds fantastic.

It's hard to get it out of your hair, but it feels so good to soak in it.

Do they have a syrup soak? I know they do it with seaweed and chocolate, but I have never heard of syrup.

Maybe in Canada. Canadians do that sort of thing. Because it rains syrup there. Luckily, they can catch it on their waffle umbrellas.

And then eat the umbrellas.

That sounds good...is Canada in my nation?

Who cares! Spread the waffle love!

I'm off to check Canadian real estate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

magic with sprinkles

People in 1936 were very spoiled. And I'm SO glad they were!

Toast was not good enough for them. Toast is one of the most magical foods EVER. It's not just "cooked bread." Nope, bread goes through a complete genetic change and becomes toast in a magical machine called a "toaster."

It's the only food I eat that changes its name when heated.

Well...magic wasn't enough for people in 1936. NOPE! They said, "Wow...this toast is pretty magical, but wouldn't it be more magical with sprinkles?"

And the world said YES!

They created chocolate sprinkles to put on toast. You got it! THAT is the reason we have chocolate sprinkles today.

So the next time you get some ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, stare deeply at the sprinkles settling on that mound of ice cream and say, "Thank you toast. Without you, these scoops of ice cream would be less sprinkly and more melty."

Say it really loudly, too. It will be funny. And educational to all the people who do not know the history of the chocolate sprinkle.

I think if I were a pony, I would like to change my name to Chocolate Sprinkle. Or Toast.

Both are pretty awesome.

I'm off to sprinkle my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sail away, sail away, sail away

Some people believe the world is going to end soon. BUT! They have figured out how to be saved!

Pretty sweet, right? And they're just telling us how we can be saved too! Pic de Bugarach is an "upside down" mountain. It's pretty cool, actually. It's in France. So it's French.

This mountain is kinda sweet because, geologically speaking, it is upside down! Newer rocks are on the bottom. "Scientists" say that when the mountain erupted, the peak shot up into the air and flipped over and landed back inside itself.

Like a mountain pancake.

The rest of us know that aliens picked up the mountain and flipped it over so they would have a good place to land their large space boats.

You know what I love about space boats? Their music. They listen to a lot of Enya. They have the Orinoco Flow. That's a space sailor term meaning "we're a totally awesome boat that won't hit anything like icebergs."

I also love origami on Tuesdays.

“Origami On Tuesdays” is a good name for a band.

So is “Mountain Pancake.”

I would like a mountain of pancakes. Covered with peanut butter. And chocolate. And syrup. And strawberry Quick. The powder kind, not the goo. It's more fun to eat it that way.

I hope they serve that on my space boat cruise.

I'm off to book a space ticket.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

little bittle skittle

Have you seen the Skittles Riddles? They are Skittles flavors, BUT the color doesn't match the flavor inside!

So, if you get a purple Skittle, you don't know if it's cherry or banana or table or rubber or chocolate or what!

But I would like to ask a question...Does it matter?

I have, at times, taken every color of Skittle and put them with their own colors for various reasons. Twice for eating.

I have found that a handful of Skittles of ANY color tastes good. Sugary fruit! That's it!

So do I care what color the Skittle is on the outside? NO! They all taste like sugar! Because that's all they are! And that is all I want them to be!

It's not like yellow Skittles are yellow because they use lemons to make them. I know that and I'm okay with it.

So who are they really fooling with these?

Your children. Someday, if you buy these, your child will have NO idea what color goes with what fruit. They'll see a Lime and call it a Strawberry. You can tell them otherwise, but they'll just say, "Strawberries taste green, lady!" They will say that to you whether you are the mother or the father.

And whose fault is that? Skittles.

Do you know what they should do? They should combine Skittles and M&M's. YES! Why have a peanut or a pretzel in your M&M's when you could have a Skittle in there?!

How awesome would that be?! WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THIS!

It's a conspiracy! It's a fruit-color-chocolate-coated conspiracy! I'm going to go buy a bag of Skittles and a bag of M&M's right now. JUST to prove how good it is. Not the little bags, either. I'm going LARGE BAG!

I'm off to get a tummy ache.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj