christmas letter 2013

This year did NOT start calm and collected like previous years! Which is odd, because starting off normal is a GREAT way to begin a story before things get Completely Out Of Hand!

As soon as we thought Atnas (Santa’s evil doppelganger) was lost in time and/or space, he showed up! Being able to show up anywhen and anywhere gave Atnas ample time to show up exactly where and when he needed to! Before the psychic goose was even able to warn us what was coming!

Also, it gave him ampler time to assemble cyborg elves! With adorable hats that were full of evil and expired pudding!

Luckily, Atnas appeared as I was having tea with Santa, Cupid, and Liliane Lafleur. Liliane is a tenth level tea maker and banned in three solar systems for her knowledge of herbs AND spices. She also makes a mean gingerbread house.

The battle lasted four months! This is why Valentine’s Day was so “meh” this year.

Cupid made a call out to Cherub Force Six to help out with the cyborg elves. Santa and I used Sassy Kung-Fu to hold Atnas at bay. Liliane sat calmly. Partly because she’s a mellow tea drinker. Mostly because she was mixing herbs and spices into a GIANT SWORD OF TEA.

Using this sword, she was able to put Atnas and the cyborgs into a deep state of relaxation. (Yes, cyborgs can relax.) We trapped Atnas in a mean gingerbread house with no doors. In Africa. When I said “mean” earlier, I literally meant that it was not nice.

Then the middle of the year got dark. Like, REALLY dark. Very black and gloomy. Like a set of black dinnerware. The less said about the dark times, the better.

Then holiday spices started coming out in October. And for someone like Atnas, those are like smelling salts. He woke up and made a phone call.

Yeah, the gingerbread house was mean, but not SO mean that we didn’t put a phone in it. Next time we won’t be so communicatively kind.

Atnas burst out of the gingerbread house after calling Dipuc for help! (Dipuc is Cupid’s evil doppelganger.)

I didn’t even notice right away because it was during the solar eclipse and they knew that would hide the escape. But soon molasses started raining from the sky and I could sense something was wrong.

I FaceTimed Santa to let him know that we needed to save Christmas again! We sent a courier pigeon to get Cupid. Then, got on our transdimensional giraffe and landed in Africa to meet Atnas.

I don’t know if you met Imani. He’s a great giraffe. He was a normal giraffe once, but he accidentally walked into a multidimensional tree and got a splinter. Which stings on so many levels. But it gave him transdimensional travelling powers...and the ability to talk to trees. I understand half of it. The other half boggles me.

On our way, we picked up Liliane, who just got married to Pierre. You can read about the marriage in their Christmas letter.

Pierre is an expert harksman. Like a marksman, but with Harks. Like what the Herald Angels sing.

Unfortunately, harking is hard with molasses everywhere. It totally sticks to the Herald Angels’ wings.

Imani had an umbrella, because you should always carry an umbrella. He held it up very high using his tall neck and kept us dry from the raining molasses!

Pierre harked all over Atnas and Dipuc totally knocking them out.

During the fight, the rest of us created a mean gingerbread house with NO phone, doors, or windows. The frosting sealing the sides was made of a salty sugar. And the gumdrop bushes created a force field of love around the house.

Since Atnas and Dipuc hate love, it keeps them trapped.

Now it is almost Christmas and we are safe. Valentine’s Day should be good next year, too.

That was my year. Barely had time to breathe. I did enjoy a lot of veggies and hummus, though. So it wasn’t all bad.

I’m off to get a lighter set of dinnerware.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

goose your tree

Did you know that Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees? It's true! They said, "Do you know how cold it is?! Ach! I am not going out there!"

I'm pretty sure "Ach" is a common German saying. I don't know anybody who IS German. But I did play a German woman once in a play. So, technically, I'm an expert in Germanology.

Due to this lack of desire to freeze their spritzes off, they made some fake trees. Out of goose feathers. 

I don't know much about geese. They may or may not enjoy a defeathering. I never have a problem when I get MY defeathering done, but I'm not a goose. 

They took these goose feathers and dyed them. I'm guessing green, but that isn't in the story. I actually kinda hope that they dyed them all sorts of different colors. Because that would be so pretty! 

Imagine having a soft and fluffy rainbow Christmas tree! THAT is what I call a Christmas miracle! 

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, your rainbow feathers amaze me. 

It's ok for you to sing that. It's a new holiday classic. 

If you don't have a goose, you might as well just make a tree out of cotton candy. Any color would work. I like pink. Then you can eat the tree. And build a new one. Then eat that one, too. 

Or, if you're in Germany, Das Butterbrot might be a good alternative. 

I'm off to dampfnudel. Ach.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

you too can be a heart surgeon

Ummm...is this a good idea? A company made a game where you have to perform heart surgery. Like, real heart surgery.

This isn't Operation. The nose doesn't light up. There is no buzz. Just blood. Lots of blood. If you mess up, Bob doesn't make it.

Luckily, Bob isn't an actual person.

The Surgeon Simulator is the next game you give your kids for Christmas! They plan on adding brain surgery and common dentistry, as well!

Kid One: "Hey Billy! Wanna come over and play Brain Surgeon?"

Kid Two: "Whoa! You have a brain that needs surgeoning? I am SO there!

Kid One: "Sweet tooth!

Kid Two: "Speaking of a sweet tooth, any chance we can do some common dentistry, too?"

Kid One: "Does a rib have a cage?! Of course we can you silly willy!"

Kid Two: "Surgical!"

Hopefully this will get kids interested in the medical sciences. Because, as you may or may not know, I love medical science. Since I hope one day they will be able to make me into Astro Boy.

Yeah, I know how he jets around. And I'm totally cool with it.

So bring on the science! And the internal jet packs!

I'm off to surgeon a heart.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter 2012

I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)

This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.

My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"

My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.

Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.

After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!

I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.

Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!

He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.

The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.

Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.

The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.

Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.

I'm off to serve 67-93 people.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter review

Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year. I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! Tomorrow you will see my year of 2012, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last two years. Because my life continues FOREVER! It's, like, a Never Ending Story! So below, I put 2010 and 2011 with hopes that it will help you understand 2012. So curl up with your Luck Dragon and enjoy!

christmas letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

____________

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj