boffin is a real word

I’m not kidding. I never heard this before, but I guess it’s British slang for a scientist! Because that helps people take science seriously.

Oh! But guess what! You don’t have to take science seriously in Britain! Because boffins spend time studying the best biscuits (what they call cookies in England) for dunking in tea (what they call tea in England, because they dunk cookies in tea, not milk). (Oh, I’m in the United States. That’s why I’m translating. Just in case you didn’t know.)

THIS IS A REAL STUDY. Done by real scientists. With deadly serious consequences.

They tested different biscuits in tea. Timed how long they took to fall apart. And decided that Rich Tea biscuits are the sturdiest because they stayed together for 20 seconds.

Hobnobs only lasted 4 seconds. Pfffft! No Hobnobbin' for me!

Boffins also checked different dunking angles to determine the best way to approach the tea cup.

I am NOT making this up.

This real boffin, Dr. Farrimond, is worried that weaker cookies could cause problems. If you dunk a Hobnob quickly and go to eat it, it could fall apart on your shirt.

Since this is a horrible problem in society, he suggests having a “dunk-o-meter” traffic light system on every biscuit package. If they crumble under 5 seconds, there would be a red light; 5-10 seconds would get a yellow light; over 10 seconds gets a green light.

I remind you, this is real.

Now I think we know the reason scientists are called “boffins” in England.

I’ve never actually tried biscuits in tea. It sounds pretty good. First I have to check the dunk-o-meter. Because, you know, I value my LIFE.

I’m off to science...er...boffin.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter 2013

This year did NOT start calm and collected like previous years! Which is odd, because starting off normal is a GREAT way to begin a story before things get Completely Out Of Hand!

As soon as we thought Atnas (Santa’s evil doppelganger) was lost in time and/or space, he showed up! Being able to show up anywhen and anywhere gave Atnas ample time to show up exactly where and when he needed to! Before the psychic goose was even able to warn us what was coming!

Also, it gave him ampler time to assemble cyborg elves! With adorable hats that were full of evil and expired pudding!

Luckily, Atnas appeared as I was having tea with Santa, Cupid, and Liliane Lafleur. Liliane is a tenth level tea maker and banned in three solar systems for her knowledge of herbs AND spices. She also makes a mean gingerbread house.

The battle lasted four months! This is why Valentine’s Day was so “meh” this year.

Cupid made a call out to Cherub Force Six to help out with the cyborg elves. Santa and I used Sassy Kung-Fu to hold Atnas at bay. Liliane sat calmly. Partly because she’s a mellow tea drinker. Mostly because she was mixing herbs and spices into a GIANT SWORD OF TEA.

Using this sword, she was able to put Atnas and the cyborgs into a deep state of relaxation. (Yes, cyborgs can relax.) We trapped Atnas in a mean gingerbread house with no doors. In Africa. When I said “mean” earlier, I literally meant that it was not nice.

Then the middle of the year got dark. Like, REALLY dark. Very black and gloomy. Like a set of black dinnerware. The less said about the dark times, the better.

Then holiday spices started coming out in October. And for someone like Atnas, those are like smelling salts. He woke up and made a phone call.

Yeah, the gingerbread house was mean, but not SO mean that we didn’t put a phone in it. Next time we won’t be so communicatively kind.

Atnas burst out of the gingerbread house after calling Dipuc for help! (Dipuc is Cupid’s evil doppelganger.)

I didn’t even notice right away because it was during the solar eclipse and they knew that would hide the escape. But soon molasses started raining from the sky and I could sense something was wrong.

I FaceTimed Santa to let him know that we needed to save Christmas again! We sent a courier pigeon to get Cupid. Then, got on our transdimensional giraffe and landed in Africa to meet Atnas.

I don’t know if you met Imani. He’s a great giraffe. He was a normal giraffe once, but he accidentally walked into a multidimensional tree and got a splinter. Which stings on so many levels. But it gave him transdimensional travelling powers...and the ability to talk to trees. I understand half of it. The other half boggles me.

On our way, we picked up Liliane, who just got married to Pierre. You can read about the marriage in their Christmas letter.

Pierre is an expert harksman. Like a marksman, but with Harks. Like what the Herald Angels sing.

Unfortunately, harking is hard with molasses everywhere. It totally sticks to the Herald Angels’ wings.

Imani had an umbrella, because you should always carry an umbrella. He held it up very high using his tall neck and kept us dry from the raining molasses!

Pierre harked all over Atnas and Dipuc totally knocking them out.

During the fight, the rest of us created a mean gingerbread house with NO phone, doors, or windows. The frosting sealing the sides was made of a salty sugar. And the gumdrop bushes created a force field of love around the house.

Since Atnas and Dipuc hate love, it keeps them trapped.

Now it is almost Christmas and we are safe. Valentine’s Day should be good next year, too.

That was my year. Barely had time to breathe. I did enjoy a lot of veggies and hummus, though. So it wasn’t all bad.

I’m off to get a lighter set of dinnerware.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tell earth we're busy tonight

I was doing research on very important things when I came across an article about aliens. 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I was looking up stories about aliens when I came across an article about aliens. But I DO that so I can share important news with you! 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I do that because I like to read about aliens. 

Anyway! Back to the story! I came across a theory as to why we haven’t met any aliens yet because it's unlikely that humans are the only creatures in the entire universe. 

Now, it could be pretty tough for any of those other beings to actually travel to Earth. But, if they did, they probably have the ability to NOT be seen. 

So, what if they did come here, observed, and kinda said, “Meh…let’s go to another planet.”

I know! I read that theory and was ALSO offended! How could these aliens NOT want to hang out with us?! 

If there are any aliens flying by Earth and reading this, let me show you that we’re worth a visit! 

I will show you a good time! Here’s our day. We’ll go to Panera and get some food. Then get some frozen yoghurt (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose). Then we’ll go to the comic book store and buy lots and lots of comics. Read lots and lots of comics. Then we’ll find a fair and get some cotton candy and ride the carousel! 

Then, for day 2, we’ll have a Doctor Who marathon and eat tons of candy! 

Day 3 will consist of tea and crumpets. I don't know what a crumpet is, but we'll buy some and eat them and then run through the sprinkler. 

If that doesn’t entice you, well I’m pretty much out of ideas. I mean, that would probably be the best three days ever. I don’t know anybody who would disagree. 

Granted, I don’t know a lot of people. But if I DID, they WOULD agree. 

I’m off to crumpet. 

Enjoy Everything. 

-dj

dunk your cookies

Do you eat cookies in milk?! COLD MILK?! What are you doing! How could you do that to that poor cookie?!

PUT THE COOKIE DOWN. I'm here to make your cookie experience better.

Well, not me, but Heston Blumenthal. He found that many people said cookies dipped in a hot beverage tasted better and he wanted to figure out why. So, he stuck this MS-Nose tube UP his nose to test it out. Really. That's what he did.

It measures the flavors going to your mouth from the aroma of what you are eating. He tried it with cookies and found out that when you dunk the cookie in a warm beverage, the methylbutanol levels went through the roof!

I guess methylbutanol is what makes cookies taste so cookie-y.

I don't know why, but I always trust a guy with a tube in his nose!

So next time you’re eating cookies, take a moment and heat up your beverage. Milk is good. He's British, so he uses tea. I have never done that, but might be worth a try! Hot chocolate is good too. I like cookies dipped in coffee! THAT is the best!

If you are not doing that, you are only hurting yourself and the cookie will not respect you. Ever.

Cookie Monster might drive by your house and give you nasty looks. (He really won't, he's too nice.)

I'll also dunk muffins and pie in my coffee. Just in case you were curious. Wanna know what happens to my methylbutanol levels when I do that? Look at the size of the universe. Then look bigger. THAT is what happens.

I'm off to dip my cookies and roll down your street with Cookie Monster. Don't make us give you the stink-eye.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space is so sweet

I love space. I love sugar. I LOVE SPACE SUGAR!

There is sugar in space! How did I not hear about this before?! I mean, seriously, what would be better than space sugar?!

Imagine putting sugar FROM SPACE in your coffee! It would taste like SPACE COFFEE!

Or maybe getting it in your cookies for SPACE COOKIES!

Sweet tea? TRY SPACE TEA!

That's not awesome enough for you? How about adding this fruit to your info salad! The sugar (IN SPACE) is swirling around a star. A sun-like star. This means the sugar could start the building blocks FOR LIFE!

A whole planet MADE OF SUGAR! Walk up to a tree. Try eating it. Not easy, right? How about a TREE MADE FROM SPACE SUGAR!

Let us recap. Space. Sugar. Everything tastes sweet.

Goals in life: Speed up creation of sugar planet. Build space rocket. Drink space coffee. Eat space cookie. (Repeat cookie goal regularly.) Move to sugar planet. Live awesome life of sugar and spaceness.

I think it's going to be a good day.

I'm off to sweeten the space.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

drive up and down in a rickshaw

Chen is a rickshaw kind of guy. Because he owns one and drives it around. From China to London! He started his trip in 2010, traveled for two years and finally got to London for the 2012 Olympics.

Next stop? Rio. For the 2016 Olympics.

So, why travel in a rickshaw through war zones, floods, and mountains you ask? Chen said it was all he could afford.

Also, even though Chen didn't say this, I'm pretty sure it's because CHEN IS CRAZY AWESOME!

86,000 miles! In two years! In a rickshaw! If I could actually use a rickshaw every day of my life, I would. I mean, they're probably the 4th coolest form of transportation. Maybe tied at 4th. Giant snails are really cool, too.

I have no idea what Chen had to go through, but I can only imagine how hard it was to travel through dragon-infested mountains and megagator-infested swamps! And rain! I would not be able to deal with that. I hate wet socks.

OH! I should change my name to Rick Shaw. Private Eye. I could solve mysteries while driving around on an old WWII motorcycle. (To throw people off. Because they would EXPECT a rickshaw.)

And I'd carry a nunchucks. WHAM! Didn't see THAT coming, did ya!

Chen and I would solve mysteries and save the world once a week. Then enjoy a laugh over tea after our adventures were over.

In fact, in my head, this has already been going on for a few years. It's been awesome. Thanks for the good times, Chen.

I'm off to change my name.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj