hello kitty

So there was a lot of news recently about Hello Kitty. It’s coming up on the 40th anniversary of Hello Kitty and during some research, one reporter found out that Kitty is NOT a cat!

This shocked every human on the planet.

Kitty White is the character that you see with Hello Kitty. They don’t really say what species she is. Just that she is a “happy little girl.” She only resembles a cat. She actually has a cat, so she can’t be a cat. That would be weird.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have always thought Hello Kitty products were cute. I mean look at that bow! It’s adorable! How can you not love it?!

On their website you can find all sorts of wonderful information about Kitty and her friends and family. Did you know she enjoys collecting stars, making pancakes, and eating cookies?

Did you know that I enjoy the same things! Also! Bonus Fact! We are both Scorpios!

I bet we would be best friends if I wasn’t human or cat and just a gender. Which is still possibly true. I don’t really know.

She also has a twin sister. That has to be hard on Mimmy. I mean, her sister is an international sensation. I’m sure Mimmy is happy for her, but still, LOTS of pressure.

Also, she has a seal living in her backyard. Mori the seal just sunbathes there. I don't know if that's legal. Mori IS a seal, too. She doesn’t just look like one.

See, some of her friends ARE animals. Others are just assigned a gender. I can understand why people would be confused.

I hope your life isn’t too shaken by the “not-a-cat” news. I’m sorry if I shocked you. But you deserved to know.

I’m off to make pancakes and collect stars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sense of smell-touch

Apparently there are olfactory sensors on your skin. So when you stink after a vigorous workout at the gym, your whole body smells how funky you are!

If you are interested in smelling the pineapple at the store, just start rubbing it on your arm.

Or if you smell some cookies and want to get a good whiff, just go to the counter of the bakery and start rubbing the cookies on your stomach.

It’s not weird at all if you do that because that’s how it works.

Maybe not EXACTLY like that, but you get the idea. I guess a scientist in Germany decided to look at what your skin’s sense of smell could actually do, so he got some skin cells and some different scents and got to smelling!

Turns out sandalwood worked wonders! The scent helped the skin to heal!

Well, not sandalwood exactly, but Sandalore, which is used in sandalwood candles.

Sandalore! That’s fun to say. It sounds like a mythical city off the coast of a warm island where everybody wears sandals.

Mythical Leader: “Welcome to Sandalore, my friend! You found our hidden city in the sea! Here is your strappy, breathable footwear!”

Me: “I much prefer sneakers.”

Mythical Leader: “YOU ARE BANISHED FOREVER! Go find Shangri-La!”

I guess getting a sandalwood candle won’t heal all your wounds, though. They used concentrations about 1,000 times stronger than your average candle.

But maybe next time I’m sick, I’ll buy 1,000 sandalwood candles and light them all in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll be healthy in minutes!

Unless the smoke causes an issue. They didn’t do a study on that.

I’m off to buy out Yankee Candle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

drink and drone

Casa Madrona is a fancy hotel in California.

Fancy can't even describe the place. It's beyond gorgeous. And SO EXPENSIVE.

The Alexandrite Suite costs $10,000. FOR ONE NIGHT. Would you like to spend two nights there? Because if you can afford that, I would like you to bring me!

They decided that they needed a gimmick to get people to stay there, (I have a gimmick idea, MAKE IT CHEAPER.) so they started a drone delivery service.

If you stay in the Alexandrite Suite, you can have a drone deliver champagne to your room. You don't even have to tip it! Just get your bottles and send it away!

Are you like me and don't care about drone champagne? They understand that. So they will also deliver cookies! Drone cookies! Drookies!

Imagine sitting out on a beautiful deck all day while robots just keep delivering cookies and snacks to you. I would feel like an evil mastermind in a movie!

Me: "Drones! Bring me more cookies!"

Drones: "Yes master." (My evil drones talk.)

Me: "And 3.8 bags of Swedish Fish!"

Drones: "Yes master."

Me: "And this time don't go to Sweden and get fish from the water! I want the red chewy ones! And make sure every chewy fish looks like a fish! I don't want any mooshed-up ones"

It's stressful being an evil mastermind. You have to be so specific with robots. But they're easier to replace than human minions. Those were messy days.

I'm off to plot my world domination...after I raise $10,000. Do they have an evil kickstarter?

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

boffin is a real word

I’m not kidding. I never heard this before, but I guess it’s British slang for a scientist! Because that helps people take science seriously.

Oh! But guess what! You don’t have to take science seriously in Britain! Because boffins spend time studying the best biscuits (what they call cookies in England) for dunking in tea (what they call tea in England, because they dunk cookies in tea, not milk). (Oh, I’m in the United States. That’s why I’m translating. Just in case you didn’t know.)

THIS IS A REAL STUDY. Done by real scientists. With deadly serious consequences.

They tested different biscuits in tea. Timed how long they took to fall apart. And decided that Rich Tea biscuits are the sturdiest because they stayed together for 20 seconds.

Hobnobs only lasted 4 seconds. Pfffft! No Hobnobbin' for me!

Boffins also checked different dunking angles to determine the best way to approach the tea cup.

I am NOT making this up.

This real boffin, Dr. Farrimond, is worried that weaker cookies could cause problems. If you dunk a Hobnob quickly and go to eat it, it could fall apart on your shirt.

Since this is a horrible problem in society, he suggests having a “dunk-o-meter” traffic light system on every biscuit package. If they crumble under 5 seconds, there would be a red light; 5-10 seconds would get a yellow light; over 10 seconds gets a green light.

I remind you, this is real.

Now I think we know the reason scientists are called “boffins” in England.

I’ve never actually tried biscuits in tea. It sounds pretty good. First I have to check the dunk-o-meter. Because, you know, I value my LIFE.

I’m off to science...er...boffin.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cake and vegetables

Happy National Carrot Cake Day! I am eating carrot cake right now. It is so good. Do you like carrot cake? Are you sure about that?

I was convinced that I did NOT like it. If you ever asked me to have a slice of carrot cake, I would have yelled, “Cake from a carrot?! Are you kidding?! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

And out loud, I would have said, “No thanks. I don’t like carrot cake.”

Well guess what! Both the loud voice inside my head and the voice that actually makes noises from my mouth would have been incorrect!

If you know me, you might have noticed that I’ve become a fan of pumpkin-related items lately. Like pie, muffins, cookies, and seeds. I distinctly remember not liking pumpkin pie as a kid. I can’t remember if I actually tried it, but I’m pretty sure I did. I’m also pretty sure I did not enjoy it.

Well, one day, my friend gave me a pumpkin cookie and I LOVED IT! So, I decided to retry some foods.

Because, as Shakespeare said, “doth not the appetite alter?” Apparently it doth! It dothed all over the place!

Feeling love for the pumpkins, I decided to try carrot cake again. Thank the good bard I did! It’s fantastic!

I mean, I love carrots. I literally eat them every day. And that’s not a “literally” that really means “figuratively.” It’s a very literal literally. Literally.

So why aren’t there other vegetable cakes? I love broccoli and peppers. Where are they?

OH! Just looked online and found that there is a beetroot cake AND a parsnip cake!

Parsnip is a fun word. Give me a minute. I’m going to say it a bunch of times.

…

Ok, back. And ready to get my cakes from vegetables! You should too! If you haven’t tried a food for a while, give it a shot. When I said I would die before eating carrot cake, I did not think I should live till I were caked with carrots!

I’m off to butcher more Shakespeare.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

my dishwashing oven

Using the dishwasher to cook food is a thing. A real thing that people actually do. Look it up. I wish I could say it’s one of the random ideas I had that nobody should take seriously! But it’s not! It’s a real idea that people take for seriously reals!

They will actually use the dishwasher to cook food!

There are many recipes online for this! The most popular one seems to be salmon. Which, according to smart people, it basically poaches the salmon.

If you don’t know what poaching is, it’s what happens when you use hot water, steam, and dish detergent to cook food. People used to do it in 1887. Then they realized that it was gross and stopped in 1888.

There ARE other things you can cook in the dishwasher. Like lasagna! Just wrap it in tin foil and you have an authentic Italian dinner!

I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t this a waste of energy? YES! It is! UNLESS you fill the dishwasher with dishes first. Which you can do, as long as your food is in airtight containers.

That is how you cook in a dishwasher.

I would like to bake a cake and some cookies in the dishwasher. Because I want them to come out creamy and soft. Like the salmon. But tasting less like salmon and more like cookie-cake.

I don’t actually have a dishwasher. I just have a small oven. I DO have a sink AND a bottle of dish soap. So, I’m going to cook salmon in the sink tonight.

You should come over and try it. I’m sure it will be poach-a-licous.

After that, I’ll throw some cookie dough in the sink for a while for dessert.

My sink-dinner will blow you away! And by “blow you away,” I mean “make you sick and send you to the hospital.”

Practically the same thing.

I’m off to poach a dishwasher.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

a study in pink planets

There is a pink planet! YES! The planet is totally pink!

Finally! A world that will match all of my outfits!

Not only is it pink, it's GLOWING PINK! Because it's still hot from its formation. So, yes, it is literally a hot pink planet.

I can't describe how excited this makes me. But I will try. Think of the most exciting thing ever. Then add frosting and sprinkles. Then another layer of frosting. Then cookies. A third layer of frosting and more sprinkles. THAT is how excited I am. (Maybe some gummy worms on top, too!)

It's actually a pretty incredible find. The planet is about as big a Jupiter, four times as massive, and about nine times farther away from its central star (like our sun) than our Jupiter is from ours!

This is literally blowing the minds of pink planet researchers (also known as "NASA") because it seems impossible!

And yet, having a hot pink planet with candy clouds also seemed impossible. Until now!

I'm going to climb into my glitter-ship and fly over to Pinkopia. (That's what I named it.) I have a glitter-ship because I also fight evil space creatures all the time. It's a thing I do.

I'll probably live in Pinkopolis because the sugar-pink beaches are nice there. And when it snows pink in the winter, the mountains look beautiful.

I will also have a pet pegasus, also pink, because cars are lame...when you own a pegasus.

And if any evil monsters try to attack my planet, I will call upon the power of Pinkskull and save the day.

Because, you know, it's a thing I do.

I'm off to glow pink.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

dunk your cookies

Do you eat cookies in milk?! COLD MILK?! What are you doing! How could you do that to that poor cookie?!

PUT THE COOKIE DOWN. I'm here to make your cookie experience better.

Well, not me, but Heston Blumenthal. He found that many people said cookies dipped in a hot beverage tasted better and he wanted to figure out why. So, he stuck this MS-Nose tube UP his nose to test it out. Really. That's what he did.

It measures the flavors going to your mouth from the aroma of what you are eating. He tried it with cookies and found out that when you dunk the cookie in a warm beverage, the methylbutanol levels went through the roof!

I guess methylbutanol is what makes cookies taste so cookie-y.

I don't know why, but I always trust a guy with a tube in his nose!

So next time you’re eating cookies, take a moment and heat up your beverage. Milk is good. He's British, so he uses tea. I have never done that, but might be worth a try! Hot chocolate is good too. I like cookies dipped in coffee! THAT is the best!

If you are not doing that, you are only hurting yourself and the cookie will not respect you. Ever.

Cookie Monster might drive by your house and give you nasty looks. (He really won't, he's too nice.)

I'll also dunk muffins and pie in my coffee. Just in case you were curious. Wanna know what happens to my methylbutanol levels when I do that? Look at the size of the universe. Then look bigger. THAT is what happens.

I'm off to dip my cookies and roll down your street with Cookie Monster. Don't make us give you the stink-eye.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter 2012

I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)

This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.

My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"

My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.

Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.

After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!

I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.

Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!

He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.

The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.

Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.

The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.

Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.

I'm off to serve 67-93 people.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the final say on candy corn

There is no guarantee that this is actually the last time I will write about candy corn.

But it could be.

I tried all the new candies and cookies that have been created to TASTE like candy corn.

And they were good.

I decided to give candy corn another chance. I never used to like it. It was always...not right.

I have changed my mind. I now like it! It's good! I don't know if they changed anything, but the bag does say that it is made with "real honey." And, well, you know how passionate I am about honey!

I have a theory about the "bad" candy corn. People put it in a dish and it sits out and gets dry and nasty. THAT is when it is gross! And THAT might be why I never liked it!

So keep it fresh in the bag so kids don't get scarred like I did!

AND NOW they make different flavors! They have original, which I guess is honey-flavor, caramel, AND caramel apple! They also have a nondescript-flavor pumpkin!

Apparently, Canada is rumoured to have a Blueberry Cobbler Candy Corn. I have NO idea what compelled the Canadians to make that, but I love them for it. And if you know any Canadian candy smugglers, I am willing to pay top dollar for a bag of that.

Legally speaking, I didn't just ask that. (Even though I really did. Shhhh...)

Candy corn, I apologize for treating you so badly for so long. I hope we can get along now. And by get along, I mean I will buy many bags of you and eat like crazy.

I'm off to visit a...friend...at the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cows love candy and corn

I've been talking about candy corn a lot lately. This isn't actually about that, but it's about BOTH of those things. Together. But not together in the way you are thinking!

Hooked yet? Good! Because this is fun!

There was a pretty bad drought this year. That was bad for corn. Without corn, it's tough to get corn FEED. Without corn feed, it's tough to feed cows. Without cows, it's tough to get milk and hamburgers and butter and yogurt (or yoghurt) and that "moo" sound they make.

Farmers needed to fill the corn gap. So they decided to use candy! See, there's an excess of cookies and gummy worms and marshmallows and fruit loops and more that can be added to their corn feed to get the cows nice and plump!

Sounds good, right?! I mean, that's probably the perfect meal!

I kinda wish I could be a cow for a little while. Just to try it.

I bet those cows taste SO good! I'm not much of a steak-eater, but if my steak tasted like gummy worms! How could I NOT order it?! That and some marshmallow milk! O! M! G!

Guess what?! I can almost kinda be like a cow! A very wise woman recently told me she loves to eat popcorn with candy in it! I love popcorn and candy! Why not combine them?! How did I not think of this?!

Instead of corn feed, just use some popped corn and throw candy and gummy worms and fruit loops and cookies and ANYTHING in there! That HAS to be the perfect food!

We live in an amazing world full of candy steak and candy popcorn. If you ever need to practice cow farming, let me know. I'm more than happy to help out.

I'm off to be a cow and pop my corn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space is so sweet

I love space. I love sugar. I LOVE SPACE SUGAR!

There is sugar in space! How did I not hear about this before?! I mean, seriously, what would be better than space sugar?!

Imagine putting sugar FROM SPACE in your coffee! It would taste like SPACE COFFEE!

Or maybe getting it in your cookies for SPACE COOKIES!

Sweet tea? TRY SPACE TEA!

That's not awesome enough for you? How about adding this fruit to your info salad! The sugar (IN SPACE) is swirling around a star. A sun-like star. This means the sugar could start the building blocks FOR LIFE!

A whole planet MADE OF SUGAR! Walk up to a tree. Try eating it. Not easy, right? How about a TREE MADE FROM SPACE SUGAR!

Let us recap. Space. Sugar. Everything tastes sweet.

Goals in life: Speed up creation of sugar planet. Build space rocket. Drink space coffee. Eat space cookie. (Repeat cookie goal regularly.) Move to sugar planet. Live awesome life of sugar and spaceness.

I think it's going to be a good day.

I'm off to sweeten the space.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

7,000 amphibians and counting

Bactrachologists are having a party! 7,000 amphibians have been named!

Centrolene sabini. That's the 7,000th amphibian found. It has pretty common glassfrog features. You know, nuptial pads, tetralobed liver, translucent hepatic peritoneum, green bones, the usual. (Thank you amphibiaweb)

Amphibians are pretty cool. That's not even meant to be a pun! I mean, if you think it's a funny pun, then by all means laugh at my hilarious punting, but if you think it is an unfunny pun, then it was not meant to be a pun but rather just a common saying referring to the hipness of an amphibian and not the fact that their blood runs cold.

Frogs...newts...salamanders...all wonderful little critters that love to breathe with their skin. How weird would that be? It would be like sniffing with your fingers!

You could wave your hand near a freshly baked cookie and smell it! (That may or may not be scientifically accurate.)

If an amphibian sneezes, does that mean snot just comes out of every pore of their body? Or are they insecure about that because they just secrete mucus all the time?

I won't bring that up at the amphibian shindig celebration for number 7,000. Or, as we bactrachologists like to say, the  "A7K Par-tay."

I hope to see you at there! I'll be bringing some good snacks. I make a creamed beetle dip that is to die for. I walk into a party and the tongues start flying.

Because, you know, they're sticky and catch their food that way.

My tongue is sticky, too. But that's because I put glue on it so I can fit in with the amphibians.

I'm off to catch some bugs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj