scare your kids

I just read a story about some parents who move their children’s toys around every night so the kids think that they are alive.

Apparently the kids love it! I would have been so scared if I saw this every morning! Maybe I’m a little more skittish than other children, but if my dinosaurs were in different places every morning, my first thought would be, “when are they finally coming for me?!”

This is also a great time for me to thank my parents for not getting an elf that resides on a shelf...and moves while I sleep. That freaks me out!

What if you woke up one morning and the elf was in your bed. JUST STARING AT YOU.

My bed-wetting days would start all over again!

Speaking of that elf, turns out, through extensive DNA testing, the elf has a Jewish cousin. The Mensch on the Bench. This mensch has the same quirk of going out in the middle of the night and then finding himself somewhere else the next morning.

I don’t know if Elf and Mensch need help, but I’ve had friends who have had this problem of waking up in strange places every morning. Some counseling took care of (most of) their problems.

Now that I think about it, The Elf and the Mensch would be a great premise for a cop show.

But I digress. I think. I’m not sure if I really digress or if I actually intend on going where I go. It’s a mystery that only Detectives Elf and Mensch can solve!

Oh great, now I have the Law & Order theme song stuck in my head.

I’m off to make sure my toys aren’t plotting against me.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more canadian currency

Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.

A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!

Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”

Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!

The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.

The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.

These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!

It will be so much fun!

Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”

Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”

Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”

Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”

Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.

I’m off to syrup my maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that's a lot of limbs

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the heads of animals used for research. Because sometimes Science does really cool stuff!

Have you ever heard of the coelacanth? It's a pretty famous fish. They THOUGHT it died with the dinosaurs, but it totally didn't! It was just relaxing in the Comoros Islands in the Indian Ocean!

And who can blame them?! I mean, if everybody I knew was going to go and extinct themselves, I would probably go and relax on some island somewhere and not be bothered by an extincting.

Once scientists found these fish, experiments HAD to happen! They found that some DNA in the fish "doesn't code for proteins, but somehow turns genes on and off."

I have no idea what that means, but when you put that DNA into mice, it can turn ON the genes that make limbs!

The article is strangely silent on whether the limbs were actually needed or not. I don't know if these were mice that lost a limb and had it grown back OR if there are now mice with 7 legs and 4 tails.

Possibly a bread tail. (That is funny if you read what I wrote earlier this week. Well, maybe not FUNNY funny, but kinda funny.)

As exciting as this is, it's also VERY scary. This is how Dr. Curt Connors became the Lizard. Well, with lizard DNA, not coelacanth.

Maybe if he did that, he'd become the Coelacanth. Not as easy to say. And maybe not as scary. Since he would be a fish and have to live underwater. I suppose he could attack people on the beach, but I think he would probably go relax at the Comoros Islands.

It's too bad his research was so lizardy.

I'm off to grow some limbs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

dinosaur meat

When dinosaurs return to the living, (That's right. WHEN. Because they will be back. IF they aren't back already???) which one would you eat?

That's what somebody tried to figure out. I found this article and it's awful! Dinosaurs should NEVER be eaten! They should be treated as equals!

IF you are curious, they say we would probably want herbivores. Because most of the meat we eat now comes from herbivores. And they make for a better meat.

Want good white meat? Try some armored dinosaurs.

Hadrosaurs would be good for red meat since they were on the move a lot.

But again, don't eat dinosaurs! If any dinosaur is reading this, I fully support your return to the world and would never eat you so you should make me a king of people-dinosaur relations.

Now, if dinosaurs return and are not intelligent enough to run governments (even though I'm hopeful they will be), then we should treat them like beloved pets.

Every day I would play fetch with my T-Rex. I would take my Apatosaurus for the best walks ever!

And I would ride my Triceratops all over town! Because Triceratopses LOVE going for a daily ride. They're like horses. Or unicorns. But with three horns. A tricorn.

I love this world of dinosaurs.

I bet they like getted petted and not eated. So we shouldn't eat dinosaurs. Ever.

I'm off to be a dinosaur king.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

car tails

I saw a car with the sweeeeetest car tail ever! I guess they are technically called "spoilers" when it's on a car. But really, it's a tail.

This was NOT a sporty car at all. It was a regular sedan. And it had a tail that looked like it was from a whale. It was HUGE! And curved up on the sides!

It was the coolest thing I've ever seen! I have always been a fan of the car tail. But they are usually very subtle. And subtle is fine. But if you're going to put a tail (spoiler) on your car, why not make it a tail that says something!

I want a tail that tells the world "I'm not afraid of breaching if I want to!"

I have never had a car with a tail. I suppose I could purchase a tail separately, but I don't think I can afford the kind of tail that would really show off my desired statements.

I want it to say, "I'm a kinkajou and I can hold onto trees if I want!"

OH! OR one that would say, "I'm a dinosaur! Rawr!"

yeah...I like that...

Speaking of dinosaurs, Haribo (kids and grown-ups love it so!) gummi candy company has put out DINOSAURS!

It is probably the best gummi candy ever. It's gummisaurus rex.

Bonus fact: You can buy 5-pound bags of Haribo gummi candy on Amazon. My mind is officially blown. I think I can die happy now. Thank you, world. And thank you Haribo.

I'm off to put a dinosaur tail on my car.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

don't complain, it's natural

Gassy dinosaurs caused global warming! YEP! All that methane from giant dinos made for a "hot, wet Mesozoic era." Can you IMAGINE what that smelled like?!

Stinky!

Unlike me. I'm never stinky.

And you, too. You are never stinky.

Aren't we lucky to never be stinky like that? We are.

So these dinosaurs were tootin' up a storm keeping the planet nice and warm for all their dinosaur games when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant rock from the planet Krypton crashes into Earth and blocks out the sun!

No more sun meant no more plants. And no more plants meant no more food. No more food meant no more methane keeping us all snuggly warm.

That's when the Ice Cream Age started! That's my favorite. It was all vanilla and yummy.

Dinosaurs ate all the ice cream. But ice cream didn't make them gassy, so it stayed cold and they didn't have wool socks to keep them warm because sheep hadn't been invented yet.

So they froze and only came back recently like Captain America.

Luckily, now we can enjoy ice cream with Captain America on hot, wet Mesozoic days.

I'm off to produce some methane.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

canada's current currency

I know a lot of people make jokes about Canada. I may have done it in the past. BUT! I also praise Canada for their amazing candy and snack foods! They have all sorts of stuff up there that you just can't get in our boring country.

Money is something else that Canada decided to make funner. It's awesome! It's all different colors and stuff. How fun is that?!

Not fun enough for the Royal Canadian Mint! They said that it needs be even funnerer!

They have just created the glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter!!!!!!!!!

I am NOT kidding!

On one side is a pachyrhinosaurus lakustai. It looks like what most dinosaurs look like. But turn the lights off, and you see the glowing skeleton of the dinosaur!

Why isn't all American money like that! I WANT GLOWY MONEY!

On the other side is Queen Elizabeth.

Her skull does not glow. But that would have been awesome.

I have a lot of big change transactions happening in dark places at night and if I could see the glowing skull of George Washington when I made these...transactions...I wouldn't have to worry so much about dropping my quarters!

I'm sure you have the same problem. Though, I don't know if you do what I do at night.

I'm not allowed to talk about it, but let's say that if I didn't do what I do, Mars and Venus might not be so friendly.

Maybe I can transfer to Canada so I can use dinosaur money.

Or maybe you can write to your state representative and let them know you want glow-in-the-dark money.

Because Canada has it. And we don't want to look uncool to Canada.

I'm off to the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cuddly little tyrannosaurus

Scientists have found that the T. Rex may have been the cuddliest of all the dinosaurs!

I always KNEW they were fuzzy little love-snugglers!

They found some tyrannosaur fossils that show "fluffy down" remains on its skin! One scientist even says that it would be like "long, thick fur."

So having a pet tyrannosaurus is almost, kinda just like having a fluffy dog! Or a baby chick! Probably just like a fuzzy, cutie baby chick!

Or a bunny! A swumbly, cuddly-wuddly bunny! Like a baby easter bunny! Even a funzy, bubbly-tubbly wester bunny!

OH! I saw the Easter Bunny. Or, one of the bunny helpers. It was hopping along the road. I guess it was delivering goodies to children.

That, or running to cuddle with a tyrannosaurus! Because, you know, they're super fuzzy!

So the next time you are looking for a pet at the shelter, look in the tyrannosaur section first. They might be big, but that's just more to snuggle with!

And the more you snuggle, the more fun you have!

At least that's why my tyrannosaurus told me. And I believe everything he says. Because he has huge teeth.

And a huuuuuuge heart of fuzzy warmth!

I'm off to hug a dino.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

everything I know about sports i learned from women

That's true. A few years ago I found out there is a football team called the Tennessee Titans. At first, I did not believe this to be true. She then showed me actual proof that they exist.

That is now my favorite football team. Mostly because "The Titans" is a superhero team. Partly because "The Titans" is a superhero team. And it's REALLY fun to say, "GO TITANS!" (that's their battle cry).

This past weekend, I found out that there is a college basketball team named after a fruit! Not just a fruit, but a fruit/color combination! The Syracuse Orange!

The mascot is, in fact, an orange! Sure, an orange has never grown in upstate New York, but that didn't stop Syracuse! They could have gone with a fighting dinosaur, which can grow in upstate New York, but they decided the orange was scarier.

And they were right. If you play "Rock, Paper, Scissor, Dinosaur, Orange," then you know that the only thing that beats orange is paper.

Luckily, there is no team called "The Papers" in NCAA basketball.

The Oranges regularly beat other teams with their Vitamin C-ness. C stands for "C? We will beat you and win when we play basketball!"

That's the original definition of Vitamin C. From dinosaur days. When dinosaurs roamed upstate New York. They wouldn't go any more souther than that for fear of a rogue orange rolling up from Florida.

Rogue Orange would be a cool band name.

I'm off to throw paper.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

liquid gold

Tide. The detergent. It's called "liquid gold" on the black market. Because people are stealing it and selling it.

On the black market.

Detergent. For clothes.

It's not illegal or anything. You can still buy it in the store. Of ALL the stuff you COULD sell on the black market, you chose Tide?!

What is going on in America?! Why not sell something illegal? Like lasers or cloned dinosaurs? At least those are cool!

You: "Oh fuzzles...I ran out of detergent. What will I ever do."

Me: "I might know a guy who could help you out."

You: "What? Really? How?"

Me: "He may or may not be in a back alley and he may or may not have Tide."

You: "You mean the stuff I can buy in any store anywhere?"

Me: "Yes."

You: "Okay. Yeah. That's helpful. Because IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T GET THAT EVERYWHERE! You know what would be really useful? A LASER OR A DINOSAUR! DO YOU KNOW A GUY WHO CAN GET ME ONE OF THOSE?!

Me: "...no..."

You: "Then let me do my big laundry!"

Wow...you didn't have to yell at me in that scenario. And it wasn't that big. I've seen bigger laundry.

I'm off to find a dinosaur guy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

ps. I know it's Pi day for 3/14 (3.14). But I JUST talked about Pi a few days ago. So go back to the Feb. 28 post. It'll be funny again. Pi promise.